Picking up the Pieces

Chapter Six

September 11th, 2002

Meg sat at the bar. She'd had several drinks and it was only 1100 hours. She was depressed – her memory was still bung and it was the one year anniversary of 9/11 – the images she had seen in person splashed across the television screens. Every time she finished a drink she'd told herself I must go to work now, but hadn't made it, another drink came her way each time.

'Meg,' she heard a voice behind her.

'Leave me alone,' Meg replied, her voice slurring slightly. Mac got on the stool beside Meg and pushed the drink away.

'Meg, this is not the solution to your problems, and I know what you must be feeling, but drowning your depression in alcohol is not the answer.'

'The hell you would know,'

Mac felt stung by the words but didn't let it show.

'Actually, you'd be surprised how often I have turned to alcohol Meg. You might say I became an alcoholic, and I don't want that to happen to you. Harm, the Admiral and I would never forgive ourselves if anything happened to you and like I said before – alcohol doesn't solve anything.'

Meg looked at Mac; her eyes were bloodshot and puffy from crying.

'Meg, my father abused me and he was an alcoholic, so that made me turn to alcohol. I must have spent twelve years sober before I derailed again, after my ex was killed. Harm helped me then, and for the past five or six years I haven't looked back to alcohol. Meg, it will only cause you more pain,'

'Can you take me home? I feel…' Meg slumped to the floor. Mac shook her awake.

'Sure, come on,'

Meg's apartment

Mac rubbed Meg's back while she threw up yet again later that afternoon. Mac had called Harm and AJ to tell them and they'd said they were coming over later, or as soon as they could.

'I'm so stupid,' Meg said as she sat back on the tiles, with Mac's arm around her.

'No, you're not. Come and lie down,'

'My head hurts,'

'I know Meg, I've had many hangovers.' Mac laughed gently, easing Meg onto the couch and bringing her water and Panadol. She knelt beside Meg.

'Are you up to eating something?'

Meg buried her face and groaned.

'Let me sleep…' She pushed Mac away weakly. Mac got up and answered the door.

'Harm,'

'Is she okay?'

Mac looked over at Meg.

'Does she look okay, Harm?' Mac admonished him. The blinds were shut, Meg's eyes being sensitive to the light, her head sore.

'Well Mac, I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop her, but…'

'So it worked on me not with her?' Mac said hysterically. Harm pushed past her and knelt beside Meg. He stroked her face as she slept.

'Meg, I should have been there, I'm sorry.'

'Gee smooth Harm, real smooth.' Mac said icily. 'You let me bring her home and then you…'

Harm glared at Mac. 'Pipe down would you? She's sleeping,'

'Then I guess she doesn't need me.'

Harm went after Mac as she left.

'Are we going to fight over who cares about Meg the most, Mac?'

'Well you've made it pretty clear that…'

'Mac!' Meg's small, scared voice called as she woke up to find no-one with her. Mac ran to her side.

'It's okay Meg,' she said, stroking her hair. 'Calm down, I'm here,'

'I heard you and Harm yelling…'

'How's your head?' Harm asked.

'Oh how do you think?' Meg snapped at him, burying her head in Mac's arms. Mac glared at Harm.

'I think you better go,'

Harm left, slamming the door loudly. Meg felt it echo in her head and cringed.

'He's so stubborn!' Mac said frustratedly. She hit her hand on the table. 'Ow!'

'Mac, are you okay?' Meg asked, ignoring her hang-over from that morning.

'I'm fine; you're the one who needs rest,'

Meg paled instantly and ran for the bathroom, Mac following her.

'Meg, I hope you weren't mixing drinks,'

'I'm not that stupid.' Meg answered between throwing up and coughing. Mac rubbed Meg's back gently and thought.

'Meg, was someone with you?'

'Only the bartender,' Meg threw up again. Mac stopped rubbing and scowled.

'Some-one was spiking your drinks,'

'No I just had too many and I never want to see alcohol again.'

Mac smiled to herself. 'You'll be fine Meg,'

Another knock at the door made Mac leave Meg's side. She rolled her eyes.

'Harm if that's you again, then you had better come back to grovel…Admiral!' Mac said, embarrassed.

'The Commander giving you two trouble?'

'Yes sir,'

'How's Meg?'

Mac saw Meg come out and shakily come over to her.

'Admiral,'

'How are you doing Meg?'

'I'm okay…'

'Meg, if you need help, if you need to talk…'

'Thank you sir…'

'Meg, I'd suggest a therapist but…'

Meg froze. 'Sir, I'd rather talk with people I know,'

'All right, when you're ready.' AJ said, as Meg and Mac stood aside for him to come in. As Mac got them coffee, AJ tried to talk to Meg.

'Meg, I know it's been a year since…well…'

Meg looked at him, her eyes told him to continue.

'Meg, I don't like to see you hurting like this…ahhh…what I'm trying to say is…God I was never good at this with Harm and Mac either…'

Meg laughed gently, a smile tugging at her lips. AJ saw her amusement and laughed at himself.

'You always have a way of making us smile again, and God knows we need to. It's been an awful year at JAG. Part of me wishes I had made you wait till now to come back to work…'

'Permission to speak freely sir?' Meg asked shakily. AJ nodded and tears filled Meg's eyes.

'I miss them Admiral, I thought I was getting better but I miss them terribly. I just wish…'

'No Meg, I know what you're about to say, don't say it.' AJ came over to her and put his arms around her as she cried. 'I know you have no biological family, but Harm, Mac, me, everyone at JAG…we're your family now. Don't push us away.'

'Sir, why did this happen to me?'

'Meg, I don't know…sometimes bad things happen to good people…I don't understand why and when I saw you hurt…on life support…' AJ couldn't tell her he thought he was going to lose her.

'Sir, when I saw the planes hit, I felt like my life was going to end,'

AJ held her tightly. 'I cannot begin to imagine how you must have felt.'

'Everything okay sir?' Mac asked, bringing three mugs through.

'I think so; Meg's trying to talk about it,'

'That's good.' Mac said to them calmly. The phone rang and Meg answered it.

'Harm, don't start with me… she said to him. 'I'm not in the mood, you know that! Hung-over and depressed are not a good mix!' She slammed the phone down angrily and got up, storming out. Mac ran after her and caught her arm as she went to go and yell at Harm.

'Meg, don't do that.' Mac said to her.

'Why not?'

'You're emotional; you don't want to say something you'll regret.'

'Harm…'

'I know he was stupid. But don't go and yell at him, because it's only going to make things worse.'

Mac let Meg's arm drop but held her eyes for a lot longer. 'You're still upset. Come on, leave it for a few days, it will give you both a chance to cool down.'

Meg let Mac lead her back into her apartment – it had started raining.

Nice to know the weather can reflect my mood, Meg thought critically of herself. She was trying to build up a wall around her heart from the pain she'd suffered the past year, but not too much of a wall that she didn't let her closest friends in. She curled up in bed while Mac and AJ spoke in whispers about her.

'Sir, she's starting to open up about what happened, that's good…' Mac started to say. AJ looked at Meg, who was sleeping restlessly.

'She's getting there…'

Meg walked off the Seahawk, breathing a sigh of relief. She had averted a crisis, stopped a torpedo from destroying the carrier with its crew and her on board.

'Lieutenant,' someone called to her. Meg turned to face Commander Lindsey.

'Can I help you Commander?'

'You're going back to Washington…'

'Yes that's where I am working, and no I won't put in a good word for you with the promotions board because it's against regulations.'

'Come Meg, I know…'

'Get off me! What I will do is tell the Captain promotions board what you did to me!' Meg pushed him off her.

'That will cost you…'

'A promotion? I can wait,' Meg stormed off, the euphoria of saving over about four thousand people dissipating quickly. She wished Lindsey had been thrown over board. Every time he'd come near her on the TAD he had tried to feel her up. And she was not going to be hurt like that.

'Meg,'

'Leave me alone. Like you, I have a career and a job to do, so butt out!' Meg stalked off to her car and drove away.

'Leave me alone!' Meg said in her sleep, unaware that Mac and AJ were staying the night.

'Okay, fine,' AJ said, getting up as she woke up and blushed.

'More memories Lieutenant?'

'Yes sir and I am glad Commander Lindsey is in jail. It means he can't try to feel me up anymore,'

'He did that several times didn't he, Meg?'

'Yes. I reported it…'

'I know, I read his file, it was on there, one of the reasons I didn't pass him up. I was head of his promotions board,'

Meg hugged him. 'Thank you sir,'

AJ smiled, understanding her.

'Any time Meg,' He said, hugging her back. Mac stood watching them.

'I see she's opened up more, obviously remembering things,'

'Yes I am,' Meg replied.

'Harm called, wanting to patch things up.' Mac said uneasily. Meg rolled her eyes.

'Tell him I'll go to him when I am ready.' Meg's voice was cold.

'Too late,' Mac said as Harm entered.

'Meg, we need to…'

'We aren't together Harm!' Meg said angrily, sitting up higher. She felt fine now, maybe a little emotional but she had sense enough to yell at Harm.

'Meg, I told you…'

'Yes, I know you told me you love me, I know what happened between us Harm!'

'But…'

'We're not in a relationship beyond friends! Is that so hard to understand? Is it so hard to understand that you can't fix everything that happens to me, to the people you care about? Can't you deal with the fact that maybe I needed Mac this time?' Meg was yelling now, restrained by AJ.

'Easy there Meg,' He whispered to her. Harm glared at Meg.

'Are you saying you don't love me, Meg?'

'YES!' Meg threw a pillow at him angrily. 'Leave me alone,'

'Gee the last time I saw you anywhere near this angry was our first case together,' He left then and Meg let AJ and Mac calm her down.

'Why did you let him in, Mac?'

'Meg, I had no choice…he just…I'm sorry.'

'Cut the bull,' Meg replied as they left.

Mac followed Harm into his apartment.

'What is your problem, Harm?'

'What's her problem?'

Mac fumed at Harm's attitude. As if it wasn't obvious! Meg was still hurting; it was a year since the tragedy! How could he be so misunderstanding, so immature?

'You are her problem! You're pushing her into a relationship she is not ready for, she still has psychological scars, and seeing the images splashed across every television screen in Washington today has not helped her recovery.'

Harm glared at Mac.

'What makes you so sure about that?'

'I can just see it in her eyes, Harm! She's lucky I was here, because you don't know how to deal with someone when they are drunk. Your solution is to call them a cab!'

'Mac, you said yourself that I made the best choice in turning my back…'

'This is different! I am an alcoholic Harm; I knew what I was doing! Meg's confused!' Mac yelled at him.

Harm slammed his fist on the table.

'Damn it Mac! I know she is hurting but she needs…'

'She needs friends, not a romantic relationship!'

'Then why the hell did she…never mind.'

Mac glowered at Harm. 'Do not play that card. You know full well that the only reason she let you sleep in the bed was because she was scared. Maybe she was feeling something then but not right now Harm.'

Harm raised his fist to hit the table again but stopped.

'You're right – I have been pushing her. But…'

Mac looked at him calmly. 'Harm we all want her to get better, but forcing her into this…I mean, you keep telling her that you love her…its only making it worse!' Mac said to him. Harm looked at her carefully. She had a look in her eyes that she'd had before.

'Mac…we can't revisit that topic…'

'Why not? Harm, I love you, okay? Is that so hard to process?'

'No Mac and I love you too but…'

'Meg needs us, I know.'

Harm saw a tear slide down Mac's cheek and wiped it away.

'Marines don't cry,' He said to her gently, pulling her in for a hug.

'Mac, I'm sorry about the way I acted…'

Mac smiled. 'Apology accepted, but I'm not the one you need to make it up to.'

Harm went to go and see Meg but Mac pulled him back.

'Let her simmer, calm down. She's emotional; she'll probably regret most of what she said later. And don't play the love card. I know a while ago everything seemed okay with that, but she had her doubts, and she isn't ready Harm. It's easy to see that.'

'So…friends…'

'Yeah, us too. Let's wait a while Harm. Let's not confuse her, or hurt her even more with us getting together. I know you love her, and I know how you two had a slim time frame together, but I think she just…'

'Needs me to love her like a brother…she doesn't see it any other way.'

Mac shook her head. 'No, she doesn't Harm. She needs us to take the place of her family, though not completely.' Mac left then to go back to Meg and see if she was needed.

Harm watched as she left.

'Thank you Sarah,' he whispered.