Disclaimer: C.S.I. is a trademarked product. Am borrowing for non-profit making fun.
Author: Hazeleyes57
Title: Last Chance (chapter 12)
Summary: Suprise!
Rating: PG for this chapter
Last Chance
"Yes."
Sara's simple answer floored Grissom.
Although he had demanded a straight answer he had not expected to get one. He thought that there would be more prevarication and avoidance.
Sara just stood in front of Grissom, calmly waiting for his next move.
Her calmness was an illusion. She felt anything but calm, it was more the resigned acceptance of her fate, whatever it was likely to be.
Grissom was still struggling to take in the suddenly very real fact that he was the genetic donor of Sara Sidle's baby. Its father. He had figured it out intellectually, now he had to accept it emotionally.
He didn't know what to say. His head was full of questions, all clamouring to get out. Why had she done this? Why had HE done this?
One of the questions finally made it to the outside world.
"Why didn't you tell me? You've known for weeks about it. Why didn't you tell me?"
Sara moved back to the row of handbasins. She needed something to lean on or against, some kind of physical support. She turned back to face Grissom, looking for something that she knew was not there yet.
"You already knew that you would be the father if we succeeded. You have known for months. You just can't remember. The doctor in the hospital told me that I wasn't to mention anything to you that I thought might be your trigger event, or anything that was especially important in your memory."
Grissom bit back a frustrated sigh.
"I just told you I don't care what they think. What else are you keeping from me?"
Sara looked stricken.
"Nothing."
Grissom looked as cynical as he felt.
"I don't believe you."
"Gil, please don't. The doctor said -"
Grissom pounced.
"That's the second time that you've called me 'Gil' and you just never do that."
Sara closed her eyes, shutting out his features in self-defence, but finding them indelibly printed in her mind anyway. She gathered herself together and summoned up a glare.
"Under the circumstances, you can forgive me for the lapse in courtesy."
"What?"
"Given your contribution to my 'condition' and the circumstances surrounding it, it shouldn't surprise you that I occasionally forget myself and call you 'Gil'."
It was obvious to Sara that Grissom thought that he had merely donated the 'necessary' for her. He still had no clue about their lovemaking.
She thought about all the information he had been given about cases by the staff at work on the shift. None of that had caused a relapse or difficulty as far as she could determine. Maybe it was about time to add a little more to the mixture after all. She straightened up ready to confront Grissom.
The door to the washroom opened suddenly, making both Sara and Grissom start.
Obviously Catherine hadn't remained outside to prevent anyone entering.
The astonished face of one of the clerical staff from upstairs reminded Grissom that he was on strange turf.
The woman rapidly backed out again, obviously deciding to go elsewhere.
Grissom had briefly glanced at the woman, but now his focus was back with Sara.
"We can't talk here."
There was no confusing his statement for a question.
"But make no mistake, we will talk. When the shift is over, come to the townhouse and I'll get you some breakfast, if you're up to it."
Sara felt seriously conflicted. She desperately wanted to say 'yes'.
"Sara?"
Sara walked past Grissom to get to the washroom door.
He beat her to it and stood in the way of it opening.
Sara sighed in frustrated annoyance.
"Okay, okay. I'll come over for breakfast."
Grissom looked over her face.
"And we'll 'talk'."
Sara flicked a quick glance at him, then looked at his hand on the door.
"Maybe."
She tugged on the door handle and as Grissom stepped aside he said,
"It wasn't a question."
"Yeah, I know.
Sara looked back at him again. Gil Grissom in the Ladies washroom f'crissake. She tutted.
"Let me check the coast is clear. Y'know, you could have called me on your cell."
Grissom just looked at her.
Some things were just too important.
As if he had spoken, Sara muttered.
"Right."
She opened the door and stuck her head out into the corridor. There was no one about. She opened the door wider.
"Go."
Grissom slipped past her, close enough to smell the faint trace of shampoo in her freshly washed hair.
He walked away without a backward glance but Sara lingered to watch him go.
Damn but he looked fine in those jeans.
It was going to be a long shift until breakfast.
Grissom almost made it to the exit without getting stopped until Greg came bounding up the corridor, his excessive energy almost a palpable thing.
"Oh! Hi Grissom, didn't know you were in tonight."
"I'm not."
Grissom carried on walking without a pause.
Greg looked after him with a puzzled frown and muttered under his breath.
"Ohhhkay. So, 'not in' then. Thanks for clearing that up."
Warrick glanced over at Sara as he drove out to their assignment. She was looking out of the side window but he didn't think that she was looking at the scenery.
"You're quiet tonight."
Sara turned back to face Warrick and gave him a smile of polite enquiry.
"Umm?"
He repeated the gist.
"Quiet?"
"Oh, sorry. Miles away. I'm fine thanks."
"Sure?"
"Yeah, fine. Just tired I guess."
And thinking about the fact that I am two months pregnant, suffering from crazy mood swings and that I have to go and have breakfast with the baby's father in less than six hours time, and I don't know what I can tell him or not about how we were together and yada yada yada. I am just freaking out. No problem.
"Well, this is an easy fix trip, you can rest for a half hour while I do the driving."
"No, no I'm okay. Really."
When Warrick looked at her again five minutes later she was out for the count.
He let her sleep.
Catherine Willows was deep in thought. To an outsider she was reading a glossy and eating her 'lunch' if one could call it that at three in the morning.
But inside her head she was working.
Grissom's appearance in the washroom had solidified her suspicions about the exact nature of the relationship between him and Sara. She did not know what Sara's problem was, but the holiday, their proximity plus opportunity equalled 'something' happening between them prior to the accident and Grissom's memory loss.
For 'something' read 'sex'.
Grissom may often have turned up for work on his days off before now, but he had never done it looking like he had just got out of bed and thrown on the first clothes that had come to hand.
It was certainly the first time that she had seen him in the Ladies.
Catherine shook her head over the vagaries of life. Grissom had finally put his pecker first and now he didn't even remember it.
Poor bastard.
It was almost funny.
She wondered how they had left it before the accident. Had it been a 'one of' experience that they were going to pretend had never happened? Or would it have continued, discrete but acknowledged by the inner circle?
They couldn't possibly have hoped to get it by the entire shift and keep it totally secret. They were trained investigators for heaven's sake.
Catherine was pleased for Grissom though. She had been aware for a long time of his pained interest in Sara and his inability to do anything about it. She wondered what had happened to finally allow him to get past his very real fear.
Perhaps it was for the best that he could not remember. The status quo had been restored and in six months it would all be history and no real harm done.
Still, Catherine mused; it would have been fun to watch.
From a safe distance, of course.
Sara closed her locker and looked at her watch as she turned to leave.
"You in a hurry?"
Nick's voice came from behind Sara and sounded amused.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I am."
The Texan smiled widely.
"Meeting someone?"
Sara smirked, unable to hide her amusement at the idea of Grissom standing under a clock somewhere with a bunch of flowers and some chocolates.
"Yeah. Father Christmas came early and I've been real good."
Nick took the rebuff in good spirit.
"Translate: mind my own b. Well, you have a good time, Sar. Don't forget to get some rest now, you've been lookin' a little peaky lately."
"Gee thanks Nick. Always appreciate your support."
Nick put his hand on his chest and tried to look bashful.
"Aw, shucks, now she's flirtin' with me."
Sara good-naturedly slapped him on the arm. It was like hitting a tree.
"Get lost frat boy."
"After you, babe."
They walked out to their vehicles together, joshing like siblings.
It helped to take Sara's mind off her meeting with Grissom for a few minutes and she felt her mood lift again.
Sara drove home, had a quick shower and changed her clothes. She wore a skirt and a fitted shirt. She took time out to apply minimal make up and a small spritz of perfume. She smiled a little mistily at the perfume bottle. It was a sensual blend of ylang ylang and patchouli and Grissom had bought it for her while they were away. She felt better able to face whatever was going to happen during breakfast.
She felt her determination to tell Grissom the truth about the two of them grow as she neared the townhouse. She knew that Gil was committed to sharing that life with her, but would Grissom want the same thing even if he knew the whole truth? Knowing it wouldn't necessarily make him feel it. Could he fall in love again? Would he even want to try?
Grissom looked up from the dining table at the sound of someone at the front door.
Sara.
At last. Maybe now he would get some answers.
Sara looked up as the door opened in front of her. Her fledgling smile died as she took in Grissom's countenance. He was positively stone faced.
He stepped back without a word and she brushed past him to enter. She did not see him frown as he caught her fragrance.
Grissom followed Sara into the main room and crossed past her to go to the dining table.
The table was set and Grissom pulled out one of the chairs.
Sara was thoroughly unnerved by now, but took her seat as indicated and watched warily as Grissom went to the bar of the kitchen and picked up a bowl with a fork in it. He whisked efficiently for a few moments.
"I was going to do omelettes until I realised that you shouldn't have raw egg, so they're going to be scrambled, okay?"
Sara looked startled that he had actually spoken.
"Sure. Fine."
Grissom put a frying pan on the stove and waited for it to heat up. He had his back to Sara while he worked and she took the opportunity to wonder what had happened to promote the change in his attitude.
Guessing doesn't always work and Sara decided that she wouldn't even try.
"What's the matter, Grissom?"
"Nothing. The eggs will only be a moment."
"That's not what I mean and you know it."
Grissom finished what he was doing, served up the eggs on to warmed plates and brought them to the table.
"It's all I'm prepared to discuss at this moment, so eat up. You need to look after yourself now."
Exasperated, Sara picked up her fork.
"I have been looking after myself."
Grissom seated himself and picked up his own fork.
"It's not just you any more."
Sara tightened her grip on the fork and wondered what the penalty for stabbing your Supervisor with aforementioned fork would be.
She was pregnant. She could plead insanity.
Sara suddenly saw the funny side and loosened her grip on the fork. She took a mouthful of the fluffy light eggs, chewed briefly and swallowed.
"Yeah, I know Grissom, I know. I'm hitting the books. Doing the homework."
They ate in silence for a few minutes.
Sara looked at her plate and gestured with the fork.
"These are delicious, almost as good as the ones you did -."
Sara broke off, suddenly aware of what she had been about to reveal. She chided herself about making a better effort to check her speech before it left her mouth.
Grissom's own fork paused on its laden way to his mouth.
" I haven't prepared you eggs before."
Sara looked at him.
"As far as you can remember."
Grissom put his fork back down, his appetite gone. As usual, they were back to the amnesia.
"This has to stop. Either tell me or don't, but stop this...this...half-ness! I'm not stupid, I know that there is something that you are not telling me and it is driving me insane. It's time to fish or cut bait, so make up your mind!"
Grissom stood up, pushing back his chair angrily. Sara looked up at him as he went over to the kitchen counter. He picked up a piece of paper and came back to the table.
"And while you're at it, you might like to explain what happened here too."
He handed her the paper, which Sara could now see was a letter from a prominent Vegas firm of lawyers.
As Sara read through the letter she realised why he his attitude had changed since earlier in the shift.
It was notification that the revisions to his Will had been completed and that the new copies were ready for his signature.
"Oh."
Sara's voice was flat, in direct contrast to Grissom's.
" 'Oh'? Can't you come up with anything better than 'Oh'? What revisions have I made? Do you know?"
Sara handed him back the letter and pushed away her now cold eggs. She had no appetite either.
" Only the gist, you did it on your own. When we were discussing the procedure you said that, as the baby would be your only one, and, as your mother would still be taken care of, you wanted to leave your remaining estate to the child..."
Sara hesitated, not sure how far to go.
"And?"
Grissom's arms were folded, his blue eyes hard.
"And you wanted me to alter my Will so that you would be named as the child's father and custodial parent if anything happened to me."
"Have you done that?"
Sara avoided his gaze, looking down at the letter still in his hand.
"You are now my next of kin, yes. As such, you will be the baby's next of kin above my parents or family."
Grissom turned away from Sara without saying anything and walked to the window wall. He stared unseeingly out of the room.
Sara desperately wanted to go and hold him, to give him the comfort of her arms, but knew that he needed to process this new information by himself.
"If it's any help, this was your idea and you insisted on it. I tried to talk you out of it, but you refused."
Grissom had already suspected as much. It was the kind of thing that he could imagine himself doing if he had found himself in that situation, for whatever reason. Contrary to how it may appear to Sara, he was angry with himself, not her. Angry with his blasted mind taking a time out, angry about the missing three months that frustrated the hell out of him.
Fuck, he was just angry, period.
Grissom's head started to pound with another headache. He ran a hand through his hair and down around his neck in an effort to release the tension in his shoulders.
He spoke at last, his back still to Sara.
"I believe you. It was just such a shock opening that letter and finding out that I'd done this and had no idea at all about it. It represented a loss of control over part of my life and makes me wonder what else I might have done."
Sara felt her eyes fill and she blinked rapidly to dispel the extra moisture. Guilt rose in her and she knew that she had the power to end all this. Control over his own life was a paramount issue for him and she had to give him a measure of it back.
She had to tell him, even if she lost him for good.
"Grissom, I can tell you what happened. I can't make you feel what you felt, but - against hospital advice - I can tell you what really happened. If that is what you want."
Grissom spun around and stalked across the room to her. He grabbed the upper part of both of her arms and held her stationary.
"IF that is what I want?! Haven't you been listening?"
Grissom abruptly took in her full eyes and her defeated posture. Whatever she was going to tell him was going to cost her dearly.
Suddenly he was not sure that he wanted to know what had happened if it was going to make Sara this unhappy just at the thought of it.
To Grissom it seemed the most natural thing in the world to slip his arms around Sara and pull her to his chest. She was stiff and unyielding for a moment, but then relaxed with a shaky sigh against him.
His primary response was surprise at his own actions but it was closely followed by an acute sense of déjà vu.
For Sara it was bliss to be in his arms once more. She had missed this so acutely that she thought that she would never feel completely whole again.
Neither of them had the chance to find out what would have happened next if left to their own devices.
The wholly unpleasant and unwanted sound of Grissom's beeper intruded into their moment.
Grissom felt Sara's instinctive withdrawal and tightened his arms.
"Ignore it."
Sara started with surprise. Grissom ignoring a call?
"You can't do that, it's probably important."
"So is this."
He looked down onto the top of Sara's bowed head.
"I want -"
Grissom's beeper went again.
"Fuck!"
He pulled his beeper off his belt and read the number.
"It's Catherine."
Grissom dialled the number on his cell and Catherine picked up on the first ring.
"Grissom. Problem?"
He listened to the woman on the other end of the line for a several moments. He turned and looked at Sara.
"She's probably sleeping and has her cell off. I'll swing by her place and pick her up on the way in. Are the others on their way? Okay, that's good. What do we know so far?"
Grissom listened for a few more moments.
"We'll be there as soon as possible."
He snapped shut the cell and pocketed it.
Sara was already collecting her purse and heading for the door.
"What's is it?"
Grissom checked the time as he collected his jacket and keys.
"Drug bust gone wrong. Apparently a second gang went in to rip off the first gang, unaware of the bust in progress. Twenty-seven bodies so far, including three of LVPD's finest. Eckle wants everyone in."
Grissom paused and looked at Sara.
"We'd better drive in separately. I'll say that I called you and you had just been in the shower and were checking your cell when I rang. Okay?"
Sara nodded as she turned for the door.
"Shower. Got it."
Grissom made a snap decision.
"Sara. The other matter."
He saw her shoulders stiffen before she turned back to him and waited in silence.
"Leave it for now. It can wait a little longer. I'll come to you when the time is right."
"But -"
"Leave it, Sara." . . . . . . . . . . .
Catherine stood in the doorway of Grissom's office and looked at him seated at the desk.
It had been a gruelling week for all of them. The body count from the drug bust had risen to twenty-nine and the police count had changed to four when it had been discovered that one of the drug 'gang' had been an undercover cop. The tenor of the whole building had been subdued but determined to uncover the truth.
Grissom did not look up until he had signed the report that he was checking.
"Catherine."
She walked further into the office and took a chair. She had her jacket and purse with her and had been on her way home when she realised that Grissom was still in the building.
"We've broken the back of this, why don't you go home on time today and get some rest."
Grissom had the refusal ready on his lips but didn't use it. He suddenly realised just how tired he was. He leaned back in his chair and looked at the woman across the desk.
"Okay."
Catherine smiled in surprise at his sudden compliance.
"Wow, that's a first. I expected more of a fight."
Grissom locked away the report in front of him, then ran both hands over his short beard.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but occasionally you do make sense."
"And a compliment! What have you done with the real Gil Grissom?"
Grissom just tipped his head, raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips in an expression that said 'damned if I know'.
They both stood at the same time, left the office and the building to go to their respective vehicles.
Despite his respect for her ability to take care of herself, Grissom still walked Catherine to her car. She looked up at him from the driver's seat after she had started the engine. He looked more than tired. He looked weary.
"You still not sleeping well?"
Grissom looked across the car lot rather than at Catherine. He wished he'd never mentioned his restless and unsatisfying sleep of late.
"I'm fine, thanks. Much better."
Catherine gave him a look that said she was not convinced, but let it go. At least he was on his way home now.
"See you tonight."
Grissom nodded and she pulled away.
He walked back to his Denali and got in, but didn't start the engine immediately.
This last week he had been sleeping heavily and several times had woken up feeling drugged and lethargic. He had been having vivid dreams, mostly about Sara.
Some of them had her trying to talk to him across a crowded room. He could see her lips moving but not in a way that he could lip-read the words. He would try to get to her, but she would always be on the other side of the room to him.
Other dreams were far more erotic in nature and more than once he had woken up aching with arousal and on the point of climax. While he had had these types of dreams before that featured Sara, these ones seemed far more...detailed...more knowledgeable somehow.
Grissom sighed heavily as he started the Denali. First he needed sleep, then perhaps it was time to talk to Sara.
Grissom frowned as he hung up his house phone. It was the second time that he had tried to call Sara this afternoon and this time he had inadvertently left it ringing long enough for her answering machine to pick up. He had left a brief message so that it didn't appear to be a 'hang-up' caller.
Where was she?
He trooped the well-worn route to the bathroom cabinet and pushed out a couple of painkillers from the blister pack. As he filled a glass with water he noted that there were not many tablets left; he would have to get some more soon.
Preoccupied with Sara's whereabouts, he misjudged the placement of the glass back onto the shelf above the sink. The glass started to teeter and Grissom grabbed for it but his hand was wet. The glass slipped out of his fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into several pieces.
Grissom cursed soundly and stepped carefully around the shards of glass. He returned to the bathroom with a dustpan and brush to clear up the debris.
As soon as he crouched down to sweep he suddenly had an image in his head of clearing up broken glass. In his mind he could see his own hands with an unfamiliar brush and pan.
Grissom tried to chase after the image but it faded away, leaving him with no clue as to where he had been at the time. Despite this he felt a surge of hope.
He was beginning to remember.
Sara had been to see her doctor. The OB/GYN had completed her 'booking bloods' so she was now officially pregnant. It had dawned on her whilst waiting for her blood to be taken for prenatal screening that at ten weeks, she was now a quarter of the way through the pregnancy.
It was a sobering thought. It was also a poignant one too. She had hoped to be sitting here with Gil at her side, sharing these unique and irreplaceable moments.
Sara let herself into her apartment, putting down her grocery shopping, her purse and the 'bumf' that the doctor had given her. She noticed immediately that her answering machine was blinking a message notification. She dropped her keys next to her purse on the kitchen counter and went over to the machine. She pushed the relevant button.
"You have one new message."
"We need to talk. Call me."
Sara half-grinned despite her stomach-churning swoop of excitement at unexpectedly hearing Grissom's voice.
He was still the master of brevity.
Sara quickly put away her shopping and then picked up the phone.
Only to put it down again. She would be seeing him in less than two hours at work.
Sara stared at her hand resting on the phone. She had made a decision a week ago that if and when the time came that Grissom decided that he was ready to hear the truth, she would tell him everything. All about the cabin, the hot tub, the 'out of this world' lovemaking and just exactly how much that she loved him. Not the kind of declaration to be made at work.
Now that the moment appeared to have arrived, she was suffering from excess cooling of the lower extremities.
Cold feet.
As she stood there, looking around her apartment, she reminded herself what was at stake here. The rest of her life to be faced without the love, support and comfort of the man she loved with all of her heart.
Who she knew loved her back with all that he was.
Her glance landed on the papers from the doctor's visit. It wasn't only her and Gill now. It was their family.
Courage is not freedom from fear, it's being afraid but still carrying on.
She picked up the phone.
Grissom opened his front door and bent down to pick up his other grocery sack. As he straightened up and stepped into the townhouse he realised that the phone was ringing.
Normally he didn't bother to hurry to answer telephones. If it were important the caller would ring back, if it were personal they would use his cell.
He quickened his pace when he realised that it could be Sara trying to contact him. His cell had been playing up recently and he hadn't got around to changing the battery yet.
With more haste than accuracy Grissom dropped the sacks on the table and reached for the phone.
It stopped ringing.
He snatched the phone up anyway, only to hear the dial tone.
He banged the phone handset back on the stand in frustration and one of the grocery sacks on the table toppled over. The eggs that he had carefully placed on the top of the sack contents for safekeeping fell out on to the table and the impact popped the lid. One egg rolled out and off the opposite side of the table before Grissom could catch it.
He walked around the dining table and looked at the smashed egg on the floor. It really was amazing how much mess one egg made.
A minute later he was on his knees scooping up raw egg with kitchen paper towel. Little fragments of eggshell had exploded everywhere and crunched under his knees.
He leaned forward to pick up some more of the spillage.
The phone rang.
The sound was so sudden and so close that Grissom jumped with surprise, banging his head on the underside of the table.
It wasn't a hard knock, but Grissom cursed anyway.
He got to his feet, wiping his hands on the paper towel, and reached for the phone.
"Grissom."
He tucked the phone under one ear while he continued to try to remove the sticky egg residue from his hands.
"Mrs. Weston? No, sorry I was expecting someone else. Is there a problem?"
Grissom moved to the sink and ran some water over his hands. Finally the last of the blasted stuff was off.
He quickly dried his hands and took proper hold of the phone handset.
"How much damage is there?"
He listened to Mrs. Weston's report about the bird that had managed to find its way down the chimney of his house in the mountains. Between the soot smuts and the bird mess there was some cleaning and decorating that needed doing.
"No that's fine, you go ahead. Repair to the original specs, and send me the bill. I'll try and come up next month and see if anything else needs doing before the winter. It's been some time since I've been up and checked the place over."
He listened as Mrs. Weston laughingly pointed out that just over two months was hardly 'some time'.
Grissom was frowning over what he had just heard while also trying to listen to was currently being said.
He had been at the cabin recently?
Grissom suddenly froze.
He reached blindly for one of the barstools near the kitchen bar and sat down.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Weston, could you repeat what you just said?"
Sara had been unable to contact Grissom. There had been no answer on his landline and his cell had given the 'I'm turned off so try later' message.
She had just finished rinsing her hair in the shower when she thought that she heard her doorbell. She turned off the shower and listened again. Crap. There was someone at the door.
She decided to ignore it. If it were important they'd wait. She wasn't going to answer the door in her bathrobe.
The person on the doorbell obviously thought that it was urgent. They hadn't stopped ringing the entire time Sara took to dry herself. In the end she covered up with a large cream coloured towelling robe - she saved the silk one for special occasions - and went to the door. She used the spy hole and saw a vastly distorted looking Grissom on the other side of the door.
Sara looked at her watch, convinced for an absurd moment that she was late for work.
'I guess you really do wanna talk.'
She opened the front door of her apartment and before she could utter the words 'come in', Grissom had already stepped past her into the room. If she thought that he had looked cold before, he looked positively glacial now.
She rushed into speech as she pushed the door shut.
"I tried to call you, but your phone -."
Grissom waited until she had closed the door before he interrupted her.
"I wanted to talk to you. But now Sara, I'd really like to listen to what you have to say."
Sara moved away from the door and headed for the couch. Grissom remained standing and she found his presence almost intimidating.
"Well, sure. Where would you like me to start?"
Sara did not sit down. She moved away from the couch to the kitchen area and she could feel Grissom's eyes on her the whole time.
"Why don't you skip all the small stuff..."
He moved to the kitchen bar and for the first time ever, Sara felt uneasy in his company.
"...and move straight on to the bit where you explain how it is that you and I..."
Sara went white when she looked into his eyes.
"...are married."
.TBC.
Author: Hazeleyes57
Title: Last Chance (chapter 12)
Summary: Suprise!
Rating: PG for this chapter
Last Chance
"Yes."
Sara's simple answer floored Grissom.
Although he had demanded a straight answer he had not expected to get one. He thought that there would be more prevarication and avoidance.
Sara just stood in front of Grissom, calmly waiting for his next move.
Her calmness was an illusion. She felt anything but calm, it was more the resigned acceptance of her fate, whatever it was likely to be.
Grissom was still struggling to take in the suddenly very real fact that he was the genetic donor of Sara Sidle's baby. Its father. He had figured it out intellectually, now he had to accept it emotionally.
He didn't know what to say. His head was full of questions, all clamouring to get out. Why had she done this? Why had HE done this?
One of the questions finally made it to the outside world.
"Why didn't you tell me? You've known for weeks about it. Why didn't you tell me?"
Sara moved back to the row of handbasins. She needed something to lean on or against, some kind of physical support. She turned back to face Grissom, looking for something that she knew was not there yet.
"You already knew that you would be the father if we succeeded. You have known for months. You just can't remember. The doctor in the hospital told me that I wasn't to mention anything to you that I thought might be your trigger event, or anything that was especially important in your memory."
Grissom bit back a frustrated sigh.
"I just told you I don't care what they think. What else are you keeping from me?"
Sara looked stricken.
"Nothing."
Grissom looked as cynical as he felt.
"I don't believe you."
"Gil, please don't. The doctor said -"
Grissom pounced.
"That's the second time that you've called me 'Gil' and you just never do that."
Sara closed her eyes, shutting out his features in self-defence, but finding them indelibly printed in her mind anyway. She gathered herself together and summoned up a glare.
"Under the circumstances, you can forgive me for the lapse in courtesy."
"What?"
"Given your contribution to my 'condition' and the circumstances surrounding it, it shouldn't surprise you that I occasionally forget myself and call you 'Gil'."
It was obvious to Sara that Grissom thought that he had merely donated the 'necessary' for her. He still had no clue about their lovemaking.
She thought about all the information he had been given about cases by the staff at work on the shift. None of that had caused a relapse or difficulty as far as she could determine. Maybe it was about time to add a little more to the mixture after all. She straightened up ready to confront Grissom.
The door to the washroom opened suddenly, making both Sara and Grissom start.
Obviously Catherine hadn't remained outside to prevent anyone entering.
The astonished face of one of the clerical staff from upstairs reminded Grissom that he was on strange turf.
The woman rapidly backed out again, obviously deciding to go elsewhere.
Grissom had briefly glanced at the woman, but now his focus was back with Sara.
"We can't talk here."
There was no confusing his statement for a question.
"But make no mistake, we will talk. When the shift is over, come to the townhouse and I'll get you some breakfast, if you're up to it."
Sara felt seriously conflicted. She desperately wanted to say 'yes'.
"Sara?"
Sara walked past Grissom to get to the washroom door.
He beat her to it and stood in the way of it opening.
Sara sighed in frustrated annoyance.
"Okay, okay. I'll come over for breakfast."
Grissom looked over her face.
"And we'll 'talk'."
Sara flicked a quick glance at him, then looked at his hand on the door.
"Maybe."
She tugged on the door handle and as Grissom stepped aside he said,
"It wasn't a question."
"Yeah, I know.
Sara looked back at him again. Gil Grissom in the Ladies washroom f'crissake. She tutted.
"Let me check the coast is clear. Y'know, you could have called me on your cell."
Grissom just looked at her.
Some things were just too important.
As if he had spoken, Sara muttered.
"Right."
She opened the door and stuck her head out into the corridor. There was no one about. She opened the door wider.
"Go."
Grissom slipped past her, close enough to smell the faint trace of shampoo in her freshly washed hair.
He walked away without a backward glance but Sara lingered to watch him go.
Damn but he looked fine in those jeans.
It was going to be a long shift until breakfast.
Grissom almost made it to the exit without getting stopped until Greg came bounding up the corridor, his excessive energy almost a palpable thing.
"Oh! Hi Grissom, didn't know you were in tonight."
"I'm not."
Grissom carried on walking without a pause.
Greg looked after him with a puzzled frown and muttered under his breath.
"Ohhhkay. So, 'not in' then. Thanks for clearing that up."
Warrick glanced over at Sara as he drove out to their assignment. She was looking out of the side window but he didn't think that she was looking at the scenery.
"You're quiet tonight."
Sara turned back to face Warrick and gave him a smile of polite enquiry.
"Umm?"
He repeated the gist.
"Quiet?"
"Oh, sorry. Miles away. I'm fine thanks."
"Sure?"
"Yeah, fine. Just tired I guess."
And thinking about the fact that I am two months pregnant, suffering from crazy mood swings and that I have to go and have breakfast with the baby's father in less than six hours time, and I don't know what I can tell him or not about how we were together and yada yada yada. I am just freaking out. No problem.
"Well, this is an easy fix trip, you can rest for a half hour while I do the driving."
"No, no I'm okay. Really."
When Warrick looked at her again five minutes later she was out for the count.
He let her sleep.
Catherine Willows was deep in thought. To an outsider she was reading a glossy and eating her 'lunch' if one could call it that at three in the morning.
But inside her head she was working.
Grissom's appearance in the washroom had solidified her suspicions about the exact nature of the relationship between him and Sara. She did not know what Sara's problem was, but the holiday, their proximity plus opportunity equalled 'something' happening between them prior to the accident and Grissom's memory loss.
For 'something' read 'sex'.
Grissom may often have turned up for work on his days off before now, but he had never done it looking like he had just got out of bed and thrown on the first clothes that had come to hand.
It was certainly the first time that she had seen him in the Ladies.
Catherine shook her head over the vagaries of life. Grissom had finally put his pecker first and now he didn't even remember it.
Poor bastard.
It was almost funny.
She wondered how they had left it before the accident. Had it been a 'one of' experience that they were going to pretend had never happened? Or would it have continued, discrete but acknowledged by the inner circle?
They couldn't possibly have hoped to get it by the entire shift and keep it totally secret. They were trained investigators for heaven's sake.
Catherine was pleased for Grissom though. She had been aware for a long time of his pained interest in Sara and his inability to do anything about it. She wondered what had happened to finally allow him to get past his very real fear.
Perhaps it was for the best that he could not remember. The status quo had been restored and in six months it would all be history and no real harm done.
Still, Catherine mused; it would have been fun to watch.
From a safe distance, of course.
Sara closed her locker and looked at her watch as she turned to leave.
"You in a hurry?"
Nick's voice came from behind Sara and sounded amused.
"Yes, as a matter of fact I am."
The Texan smiled widely.
"Meeting someone?"
Sara smirked, unable to hide her amusement at the idea of Grissom standing under a clock somewhere with a bunch of flowers and some chocolates.
"Yeah. Father Christmas came early and I've been real good."
Nick took the rebuff in good spirit.
"Translate: mind my own b. Well, you have a good time, Sar. Don't forget to get some rest now, you've been lookin' a little peaky lately."
"Gee thanks Nick. Always appreciate your support."
Nick put his hand on his chest and tried to look bashful.
"Aw, shucks, now she's flirtin' with me."
Sara good-naturedly slapped him on the arm. It was like hitting a tree.
"Get lost frat boy."
"After you, babe."
They walked out to their vehicles together, joshing like siblings.
It helped to take Sara's mind off her meeting with Grissom for a few minutes and she felt her mood lift again.
Sara drove home, had a quick shower and changed her clothes. She wore a skirt and a fitted shirt. She took time out to apply minimal make up and a small spritz of perfume. She smiled a little mistily at the perfume bottle. It was a sensual blend of ylang ylang and patchouli and Grissom had bought it for her while they were away. She felt better able to face whatever was going to happen during breakfast.
She felt her determination to tell Grissom the truth about the two of them grow as she neared the townhouse. She knew that Gil was committed to sharing that life with her, but would Grissom want the same thing even if he knew the whole truth? Knowing it wouldn't necessarily make him feel it. Could he fall in love again? Would he even want to try?
Grissom looked up from the dining table at the sound of someone at the front door.
Sara.
At last. Maybe now he would get some answers.
Sara looked up as the door opened in front of her. Her fledgling smile died as she took in Grissom's countenance. He was positively stone faced.
He stepped back without a word and she brushed past him to enter. She did not see him frown as he caught her fragrance.
Grissom followed Sara into the main room and crossed past her to go to the dining table.
The table was set and Grissom pulled out one of the chairs.
Sara was thoroughly unnerved by now, but took her seat as indicated and watched warily as Grissom went to the bar of the kitchen and picked up a bowl with a fork in it. He whisked efficiently for a few moments.
"I was going to do omelettes until I realised that you shouldn't have raw egg, so they're going to be scrambled, okay?"
Sara looked startled that he had actually spoken.
"Sure. Fine."
Grissom put a frying pan on the stove and waited for it to heat up. He had his back to Sara while he worked and she took the opportunity to wonder what had happened to promote the change in his attitude.
Guessing doesn't always work and Sara decided that she wouldn't even try.
"What's the matter, Grissom?"
"Nothing. The eggs will only be a moment."
"That's not what I mean and you know it."
Grissom finished what he was doing, served up the eggs on to warmed plates and brought them to the table.
"It's all I'm prepared to discuss at this moment, so eat up. You need to look after yourself now."
Exasperated, Sara picked up her fork.
"I have been looking after myself."
Grissom seated himself and picked up his own fork.
"It's not just you any more."
Sara tightened her grip on the fork and wondered what the penalty for stabbing your Supervisor with aforementioned fork would be.
She was pregnant. She could plead insanity.
Sara suddenly saw the funny side and loosened her grip on the fork. She took a mouthful of the fluffy light eggs, chewed briefly and swallowed.
"Yeah, I know Grissom, I know. I'm hitting the books. Doing the homework."
They ate in silence for a few minutes.
Sara looked at her plate and gestured with the fork.
"These are delicious, almost as good as the ones you did -."
Sara broke off, suddenly aware of what she had been about to reveal. She chided herself about making a better effort to check her speech before it left her mouth.
Grissom's own fork paused on its laden way to his mouth.
" I haven't prepared you eggs before."
Sara looked at him.
"As far as you can remember."
Grissom put his fork back down, his appetite gone. As usual, they were back to the amnesia.
"This has to stop. Either tell me or don't, but stop this...this...half-ness! I'm not stupid, I know that there is something that you are not telling me and it is driving me insane. It's time to fish or cut bait, so make up your mind!"
Grissom stood up, pushing back his chair angrily. Sara looked up at him as he went over to the kitchen counter. He picked up a piece of paper and came back to the table.
"And while you're at it, you might like to explain what happened here too."
He handed her the paper, which Sara could now see was a letter from a prominent Vegas firm of lawyers.
As Sara read through the letter she realised why he his attitude had changed since earlier in the shift.
It was notification that the revisions to his Will had been completed and that the new copies were ready for his signature.
"Oh."
Sara's voice was flat, in direct contrast to Grissom's.
" 'Oh'? Can't you come up with anything better than 'Oh'? What revisions have I made? Do you know?"
Sara handed him back the letter and pushed away her now cold eggs. She had no appetite either.
" Only the gist, you did it on your own. When we were discussing the procedure you said that, as the baby would be your only one, and, as your mother would still be taken care of, you wanted to leave your remaining estate to the child..."
Sara hesitated, not sure how far to go.
"And?"
Grissom's arms were folded, his blue eyes hard.
"And you wanted me to alter my Will so that you would be named as the child's father and custodial parent if anything happened to me."
"Have you done that?"
Sara avoided his gaze, looking down at the letter still in his hand.
"You are now my next of kin, yes. As such, you will be the baby's next of kin above my parents or family."
Grissom turned away from Sara without saying anything and walked to the window wall. He stared unseeingly out of the room.
Sara desperately wanted to go and hold him, to give him the comfort of her arms, but knew that he needed to process this new information by himself.
"If it's any help, this was your idea and you insisted on it. I tried to talk you out of it, but you refused."
Grissom had already suspected as much. It was the kind of thing that he could imagine himself doing if he had found himself in that situation, for whatever reason. Contrary to how it may appear to Sara, he was angry with himself, not her. Angry with his blasted mind taking a time out, angry about the missing three months that frustrated the hell out of him.
Fuck, he was just angry, period.
Grissom's head started to pound with another headache. He ran a hand through his hair and down around his neck in an effort to release the tension in his shoulders.
He spoke at last, his back still to Sara.
"I believe you. It was just such a shock opening that letter and finding out that I'd done this and had no idea at all about it. It represented a loss of control over part of my life and makes me wonder what else I might have done."
Sara felt her eyes fill and she blinked rapidly to dispel the extra moisture. Guilt rose in her and she knew that she had the power to end all this. Control over his own life was a paramount issue for him and she had to give him a measure of it back.
She had to tell him, even if she lost him for good.
"Grissom, I can tell you what happened. I can't make you feel what you felt, but - against hospital advice - I can tell you what really happened. If that is what you want."
Grissom spun around and stalked across the room to her. He grabbed the upper part of both of her arms and held her stationary.
"IF that is what I want?! Haven't you been listening?"
Grissom abruptly took in her full eyes and her defeated posture. Whatever she was going to tell him was going to cost her dearly.
Suddenly he was not sure that he wanted to know what had happened if it was going to make Sara this unhappy just at the thought of it.
To Grissom it seemed the most natural thing in the world to slip his arms around Sara and pull her to his chest. She was stiff and unyielding for a moment, but then relaxed with a shaky sigh against him.
His primary response was surprise at his own actions but it was closely followed by an acute sense of déjà vu.
For Sara it was bliss to be in his arms once more. She had missed this so acutely that she thought that she would never feel completely whole again.
Neither of them had the chance to find out what would have happened next if left to their own devices.
The wholly unpleasant and unwanted sound of Grissom's beeper intruded into their moment.
Grissom felt Sara's instinctive withdrawal and tightened his arms.
"Ignore it."
Sara started with surprise. Grissom ignoring a call?
"You can't do that, it's probably important."
"So is this."
He looked down onto the top of Sara's bowed head.
"I want -"
Grissom's beeper went again.
"Fuck!"
He pulled his beeper off his belt and read the number.
"It's Catherine."
Grissom dialled the number on his cell and Catherine picked up on the first ring.
"Grissom. Problem?"
He listened to the woman on the other end of the line for a several moments. He turned and looked at Sara.
"She's probably sleeping and has her cell off. I'll swing by her place and pick her up on the way in. Are the others on their way? Okay, that's good. What do we know so far?"
Grissom listened for a few more moments.
"We'll be there as soon as possible."
He snapped shut the cell and pocketed it.
Sara was already collecting her purse and heading for the door.
"What's is it?"
Grissom checked the time as he collected his jacket and keys.
"Drug bust gone wrong. Apparently a second gang went in to rip off the first gang, unaware of the bust in progress. Twenty-seven bodies so far, including three of LVPD's finest. Eckle wants everyone in."
Grissom paused and looked at Sara.
"We'd better drive in separately. I'll say that I called you and you had just been in the shower and were checking your cell when I rang. Okay?"
Sara nodded as she turned for the door.
"Shower. Got it."
Grissom made a snap decision.
"Sara. The other matter."
He saw her shoulders stiffen before she turned back to him and waited in silence.
"Leave it for now. It can wait a little longer. I'll come to you when the time is right."
"But -"
"Leave it, Sara." . . . . . . . . . . .
Catherine stood in the doorway of Grissom's office and looked at him seated at the desk.
It had been a gruelling week for all of them. The body count from the drug bust had risen to twenty-nine and the police count had changed to four when it had been discovered that one of the drug 'gang' had been an undercover cop. The tenor of the whole building had been subdued but determined to uncover the truth.
Grissom did not look up until he had signed the report that he was checking.
"Catherine."
She walked further into the office and took a chair. She had her jacket and purse with her and had been on her way home when she realised that Grissom was still in the building.
"We've broken the back of this, why don't you go home on time today and get some rest."
Grissom had the refusal ready on his lips but didn't use it. He suddenly realised just how tired he was. He leaned back in his chair and looked at the woman across the desk.
"Okay."
Catherine smiled in surprise at his sudden compliance.
"Wow, that's a first. I expected more of a fight."
Grissom locked away the report in front of him, then ran both hands over his short beard.
"Sorry to disappoint you, but occasionally you do make sense."
"And a compliment! What have you done with the real Gil Grissom?"
Grissom just tipped his head, raised an eyebrow and pursed his lips in an expression that said 'damned if I know'.
They both stood at the same time, left the office and the building to go to their respective vehicles.
Despite his respect for her ability to take care of herself, Grissom still walked Catherine to her car. She looked up at him from the driver's seat after she had started the engine. He looked more than tired. He looked weary.
"You still not sleeping well?"
Grissom looked across the car lot rather than at Catherine. He wished he'd never mentioned his restless and unsatisfying sleep of late.
"I'm fine, thanks. Much better."
Catherine gave him a look that said she was not convinced, but let it go. At least he was on his way home now.
"See you tonight."
Grissom nodded and she pulled away.
He walked back to his Denali and got in, but didn't start the engine immediately.
This last week he had been sleeping heavily and several times had woken up feeling drugged and lethargic. He had been having vivid dreams, mostly about Sara.
Some of them had her trying to talk to him across a crowded room. He could see her lips moving but not in a way that he could lip-read the words. He would try to get to her, but she would always be on the other side of the room to him.
Other dreams were far more erotic in nature and more than once he had woken up aching with arousal and on the point of climax. While he had had these types of dreams before that featured Sara, these ones seemed far more...detailed...more knowledgeable somehow.
Grissom sighed heavily as he started the Denali. First he needed sleep, then perhaps it was time to talk to Sara.
Grissom frowned as he hung up his house phone. It was the second time that he had tried to call Sara this afternoon and this time he had inadvertently left it ringing long enough for her answering machine to pick up. He had left a brief message so that it didn't appear to be a 'hang-up' caller.
Where was she?
He trooped the well-worn route to the bathroom cabinet and pushed out a couple of painkillers from the blister pack. As he filled a glass with water he noted that there were not many tablets left; he would have to get some more soon.
Preoccupied with Sara's whereabouts, he misjudged the placement of the glass back onto the shelf above the sink. The glass started to teeter and Grissom grabbed for it but his hand was wet. The glass slipped out of his fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into several pieces.
Grissom cursed soundly and stepped carefully around the shards of glass. He returned to the bathroom with a dustpan and brush to clear up the debris.
As soon as he crouched down to sweep he suddenly had an image in his head of clearing up broken glass. In his mind he could see his own hands with an unfamiliar brush and pan.
Grissom tried to chase after the image but it faded away, leaving him with no clue as to where he had been at the time. Despite this he felt a surge of hope.
He was beginning to remember.
Sara had been to see her doctor. The OB/GYN had completed her 'booking bloods' so she was now officially pregnant. It had dawned on her whilst waiting for her blood to be taken for prenatal screening that at ten weeks, she was now a quarter of the way through the pregnancy.
It was a sobering thought. It was also a poignant one too. She had hoped to be sitting here with Gil at her side, sharing these unique and irreplaceable moments.
Sara let herself into her apartment, putting down her grocery shopping, her purse and the 'bumf' that the doctor had given her. She noticed immediately that her answering machine was blinking a message notification. She dropped her keys next to her purse on the kitchen counter and went over to the machine. She pushed the relevant button.
"You have one new message."
"We need to talk. Call me."
Sara half-grinned despite her stomach-churning swoop of excitement at unexpectedly hearing Grissom's voice.
He was still the master of brevity.
Sara quickly put away her shopping and then picked up the phone.
Only to put it down again. She would be seeing him in less than two hours at work.
Sara stared at her hand resting on the phone. She had made a decision a week ago that if and when the time came that Grissom decided that he was ready to hear the truth, she would tell him everything. All about the cabin, the hot tub, the 'out of this world' lovemaking and just exactly how much that she loved him. Not the kind of declaration to be made at work.
Now that the moment appeared to have arrived, she was suffering from excess cooling of the lower extremities.
Cold feet.
As she stood there, looking around her apartment, she reminded herself what was at stake here. The rest of her life to be faced without the love, support and comfort of the man she loved with all of her heart.
Who she knew loved her back with all that he was.
Her glance landed on the papers from the doctor's visit. It wasn't only her and Gill now. It was their family.
Courage is not freedom from fear, it's being afraid but still carrying on.
She picked up the phone.
Grissom opened his front door and bent down to pick up his other grocery sack. As he straightened up and stepped into the townhouse he realised that the phone was ringing.
Normally he didn't bother to hurry to answer telephones. If it were important the caller would ring back, if it were personal they would use his cell.
He quickened his pace when he realised that it could be Sara trying to contact him. His cell had been playing up recently and he hadn't got around to changing the battery yet.
With more haste than accuracy Grissom dropped the sacks on the table and reached for the phone.
It stopped ringing.
He snatched the phone up anyway, only to hear the dial tone.
He banged the phone handset back on the stand in frustration and one of the grocery sacks on the table toppled over. The eggs that he had carefully placed on the top of the sack contents for safekeeping fell out on to the table and the impact popped the lid. One egg rolled out and off the opposite side of the table before Grissom could catch it.
He walked around the dining table and looked at the smashed egg on the floor. It really was amazing how much mess one egg made.
A minute later he was on his knees scooping up raw egg with kitchen paper towel. Little fragments of eggshell had exploded everywhere and crunched under his knees.
He leaned forward to pick up some more of the spillage.
The phone rang.
The sound was so sudden and so close that Grissom jumped with surprise, banging his head on the underside of the table.
It wasn't a hard knock, but Grissom cursed anyway.
He got to his feet, wiping his hands on the paper towel, and reached for the phone.
"Grissom."
He tucked the phone under one ear while he continued to try to remove the sticky egg residue from his hands.
"Mrs. Weston? No, sorry I was expecting someone else. Is there a problem?"
Grissom moved to the sink and ran some water over his hands. Finally the last of the blasted stuff was off.
He quickly dried his hands and took proper hold of the phone handset.
"How much damage is there?"
He listened to Mrs. Weston's report about the bird that had managed to find its way down the chimney of his house in the mountains. Between the soot smuts and the bird mess there was some cleaning and decorating that needed doing.
"No that's fine, you go ahead. Repair to the original specs, and send me the bill. I'll try and come up next month and see if anything else needs doing before the winter. It's been some time since I've been up and checked the place over."
He listened as Mrs. Weston laughingly pointed out that just over two months was hardly 'some time'.
Grissom was frowning over what he had just heard while also trying to listen to was currently being said.
He had been at the cabin recently?
Grissom suddenly froze.
He reached blindly for one of the barstools near the kitchen bar and sat down.
"I'm sorry Mrs. Weston, could you repeat what you just said?"
Sara had been unable to contact Grissom. There had been no answer on his landline and his cell had given the 'I'm turned off so try later' message.
She had just finished rinsing her hair in the shower when she thought that she heard her doorbell. She turned off the shower and listened again. Crap. There was someone at the door.
She decided to ignore it. If it were important they'd wait. She wasn't going to answer the door in her bathrobe.
The person on the doorbell obviously thought that it was urgent. They hadn't stopped ringing the entire time Sara took to dry herself. In the end she covered up with a large cream coloured towelling robe - she saved the silk one for special occasions - and went to the door. She used the spy hole and saw a vastly distorted looking Grissom on the other side of the door.
Sara looked at her watch, convinced for an absurd moment that she was late for work.
'I guess you really do wanna talk.'
She opened the front door of her apartment and before she could utter the words 'come in', Grissom had already stepped past her into the room. If she thought that he had looked cold before, he looked positively glacial now.
She rushed into speech as she pushed the door shut.
"I tried to call you, but your phone -."
Grissom waited until she had closed the door before he interrupted her.
"I wanted to talk to you. But now Sara, I'd really like to listen to what you have to say."
Sara moved away from the door and headed for the couch. Grissom remained standing and she found his presence almost intimidating.
"Well, sure. Where would you like me to start?"
Sara did not sit down. She moved away from the couch to the kitchen area and she could feel Grissom's eyes on her the whole time.
"Why don't you skip all the small stuff..."
He moved to the kitchen bar and for the first time ever, Sara felt uneasy in his company.
"...and move straight on to the bit where you explain how it is that you and I..."
Sara went white when she looked into his eyes.
"...are married."
.TBC.