The Monster In My Mirror

by Lyda Mae (RavenDove) Huff

Chapter Three: The Beginning Of My World

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My first memories are not very clear. I'm not sure if the fog around them is caused merely by time, or the way my mind worked before the enhancements.

I know that for a time we lived in Sudan near my father's family. I remember my grandmother's house, and the smells of the traditional food she would make.

I remember Kukalaka, my teddy bear. He was abused and worn to thread by the time I was five. My mother helped me to sew him back together many times, and warned me to be more careful with him. The simple fact is that I didn't understand completely that it was my roughness that lead to the holes and the loss of stuffing.

There was a boy in my preschool class named Alai that was always on about my inability to grasp the concepts that the teacher was trying to explain to us. The things that other take for granted were so far beyond my reach.

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Julian reviewed the things in his journal. He had spent the better part of the day editing the pages of code, not that there were changes to be made to the text. He was just trying to bring out every detail in his mind. Every little thing he could remember could be significant. Every person he ever knew a suspect in some duplicity. It was no doubt to him that it was someone he knew that had sent him on the pathway here. Someone who had a reason to hate him.

Dr. Nurek entered the outer part of the isolation room with someone else behind him. Bashir did not bother to get up from his reclined position, though he did look over as Nurek introduced his companion.

"This is Dr. Sulniay, Julian." said Nurek. "She is in her last year of residency." Nurek sat down in his customary seat and pulled another on over from the wall for Sulniay. "It is necessary for her to sit in on patient sessions to gain her final certifications."

Julian took a good look at the new player in the game. Sulniay was a Betizoid, and from what Bashir could sense about her she was high esper rating. There was a way of dealing with this kind of situation. Most people tried to close off their minds to a telepath, but for a non-telepath that was hard. Though Betizoids tried not to delve deeper than the surface of the mind they could still see things you didn't want them to. The trick was to be open. To broadcast the things you wanted them to see.

Julian sat up and looked into Sulniay's eyes. He thought of the saddest memories he had. Of the patients that he wished with all his heart he could have saved. He thought of Jadzia's last moments and Worf's cry to Stovokor. He thought of Federation soldiers who's names he never knew. He thought of his fellow internment camp prisoners, and his lack of medical supplies. How the Vorta had tried to use their suffering to make him malleable, and his own refusal to break. He thought about how he had been unable to find a cure for white addiction before the rogue faction of Jem'hadar had run out. His regret at every time he had been forced to kill during the war. How much he wished he could have lived life without hiding behind the lie that he was normal. The fights he had with his father. The way he felt like he had betrayed Captain Sisko and Miles by not confiding in them. He thought of Ekoria and how she never got to hold her son...

Sulniay began to weep slowly. "What happened to Ekoria's son?"

Julian lowered his gaze. "Travian set up and orphanage in her village for all of the children born without the blight. They are raised by the community."

Sulniay stood and left the room. Nurek looked at Bashir with a puzzled expression. "What just happened?"

Julian laid back down. "Dr. Sulniay went to find some Somalin and Zeratriptophan."

"What did you do to her?"

"I just let her see me as I really am." It took effort not to cry. Julian closed his eyes and rolled to face the wall.

Nurek left to check on Sulniay.

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Sulniay pressed the hypospray to her neck then set it down on the counter and slumped into her chair as she covered her face with her hands.

"Are you alright Dr. Sulniay?" Nurek asked her with concern.

Sulniay dropped her hands and turned to face the Vulcan. "I don't think he killed commander Mainair."

"The court martial ruled that he did." said Nurek.

"Courts and Tribunals have been wrong before." Sulniay let out a deep yawn.

"How much Somalin did you take?"

"Only ten milligrams," she admitted, "it's the Zera that makes me tired."

"What did he let you see?"

"He broadcast every bit of remorse he could find in his heart."

"Will you be alright after so much emotion?"

"Give me about eight hours and I'll be fine."

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