Natsuki's face wore a distressed expression, eyes begging for me to stop with the soft Kyoto-ben. My teasing never got to her, my small touches never got to her, and the occasional hinted dreams never got to her. Only when I spoke in the delicate, slightly nervous voice that masked terror sneaking from my soul did Natsuki feel the need to make me stop. Once again it seemed I had crossed the line. I couldn't help but bite my lip, holding back so many thoughts that protested to be let loose. Those fiery thoughts ignored costs that would shoot all beautiful intentions behind them dead.
"I'm sorry, Natsuki. I've said too much again."
"No, it's alright. Don't be sorry. I'm more to blame than you."
Shaking my head lightly, I headed towards the window of the room.
It was pointless to argue, she would never allow herself to be the
victim. Unrequited feelings were her fault; it was easier to deal with
that way. Control was all hers then. It drove me crazy. Love is a
blameless two sided ballet, and Natsuki was trying to take all the
credit.
Moonlight spilled over me and onto the wide ledge below the bay
window, a perfect seat to view the night; perfect for getting lost in
thought. Tears nagged at my eyes, but I won't let them fall.
'Not in front of Natsuki.' More
guilt was the last thing I wished to force upon her. Loving someone and
having a sense of rejection was one thing, but being loved and loving
one back not quite enough must be murder. Especially to her. Despite
her cool exterior, I knew those she cared for in her own little ways
were locked tight to her heart, and her greatest aches came from
hurting them.
'Natsuki… you sweet girl… why do you let me tear you apart?' Times
before, she explained in her own subtle ways that she needed me, wanted
me around, only to turn around and say I shouldn't try so hard for her.
Those words haunted and hurt, almost as much as when she held me close,
a step from killing, explaining she loved me, but never like that. Not
because of another, not because we're girls, but because she doesn't
know how. My heart had snapped that moment in the ruined church, its
arrogant wall crumbling like the walls around us. Somewhere along the
line I had tricked myself into believing that I was special, I was
healing her. Teaching Natsuki. I still cling to hope that I've made a
little progress. Allowing myself to think otherwise makes me useless to
her, the one thing I can never stand to be.
'I want to be here with you Natsuki, always. Even though I know you don't feel like that for me.'
'Shizuru, I've told you before, it's not fair. Don't base your life on me. Don't deprive yourself for me. You deserve more.'
'I can't do that. I need you in-'
'Shizuru... stop… please?'
Who would've thought one four letter word would ask the impossible.
Dear Natsuki, if only you could realize, need is relative. I need
you, no matter how great I become, no matter how much better you'd like
to believe I am, I need you. The worst feeling in the world is to be
worthless.
I could be great. I could be loved by someone fully capable. I
could be the brightest star in the sky. But without your familiar face,
I would be worthless.
If a confused heart, lost in the dark, searching for how to love is
all that you can offer me for now, it's all I need. If that's all there
is to offer from now until your dying day, I'll gladly take it, and be
grateful for every smile, laugh and tear I'm allowed to share, even as
an awkward friend. A heart fully healed and loving is honestly a nice
dream, but something I can happily live without. Being the guide
through the dark was always my goal before, but truth is slowly sinking
in; there are journeys where all I can do is call out in the dark, and
hope my voice is followed.
Maybe someday, Natsuki, you'll find your way out of the shadows.
When you do I'd like to be there. Despite the years I may lose, and the
times I may lay in bed alone tearful, wondering why I keep trying, I
will be there. Even though sometimes it hurts, I am happy. All the
little injuries inflicted by life are healed with your laughs, gentle
words, and angry outcries dotted with blushes from my loving mockeries.
So sorry, my dear Natsuki, I will not stop.
I will not stop thinking about you, I will not stop being there, I
will not stop needing you, and I will not stop loving you.
This is excruciatingly hard, but what in life worth having isn't? I
could leave, but my heart would always linger in hurt. Part of me prays
yours would too, even though it's such a selfish thought. Someday, when
the line isn't already pressed, I'll tell you all of this. Somehow.
I'll beg you never to make me leave, never take away all you give me.
You'd never do it on purpose, Natsuki, your heart is much too warm for
that, no matter how much you disbelieve it. But sometimes I wonder how
far you'll go to numb yourself to choose your callous remedies.
"S…Shizuru?"
Your quiet voice is starling from beside me, jerking my brain from thought of all the most important words in my life. Eyes of green question me as you seat yourself closer than necessary on the window ledge. I know you're trying again. Searching in the dark for the glimpse of light. Sometimes your hope runs out and you sit there, accepting blindness as your fate. I hope it's my voice that you hear, that brings you to your feet.
"Yes, Natsuki?"
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean.. to sound so.. harsh."
"It's okay, Natsuki. You're quite alright."
I smile as her arms hesitantly reach around me; she's groping in
the dark, trying to find her way. She spoke no more, but there wasn't a
word she needed to say. I rested my head on her shoulder, exhausted and
weak myself, but that was something I wouldn't let her know. Not yet.
Every time she took her little steps forward, I became a little
stronger too.
For now, I was strong for Natsuki, and gladly
so. As long as I could be of use, she was more than I deserved in all
of life.