Title: Lover Before Him
Author: Nemesis
Feedback: Not mine, never will be, just playing with them for a while.
Pairing: HP/SS, slight HP/HG
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Harry's with Hermione, but he doesn't feel the relationship is working. To whose arms does he fly after they break up? Prequel to "Lover After Me" (Dawn-to-Dusk Wave VIII).
A/N: First line challenge taken from Dawn-to-Dusk Wave IV, with a slight alteration to suit my style.
Beta: The wonderful and amazing Chrysos.
"I love you, Harry," Hermione declared, and Harry's heart froze.
Hermione handed Harry a teacup, frowning at Harry's shock. "I know it was really sudden of me to spring this on you, but, well, I was trying to find a good way to say it, and… I couldn't, and I've been trying for so long to find a good way to tell you, but you were busy with being an Auror and now that you're back at Hogwarts, I thought I could find a good time, and this probably isn't it, but I know I've felt this way for a long time." Harry was glad Hermione ended that sentence there, wondering when she would run out of breath and whether she would keep going when she had.
Harry nodded and accepted the teacup from Hermione. "It was sudden. How long have you felt this way about me?"
"Six years," Hermione answered. Harry's jaw dropped in shock again.
That's how their relationship had started, nothing more than a quick tea up in Hermione's rooms. Harry couldn't remember exactly how they had gone from Hermione's declaration to her kissing him. He wasn't sure why he had entered the relationship, nor was he sure about whether he was happy with her. They had been together for eight months, and Harry simply couldn't say he was happy with her.
He just didn't want to end the relationship. Not yet, anyway. He didn't know if there were better things out there, didn't know why he wasn't happy, didn't understand why he thought it wasn't working. All he knew was that he wasn't happy, that it just wasn't working.
"Harry?" Hermione asked tentatively. She was thrilled with their relationship. There were times when she felt as though Harry wasn't completely committed to her, but overall, she was glowing with love and happiness.
Harry looked up from the papers he was grading in her quarters. They hadn't moved in with each other yet, for reasons Hermione couldn't fathom. She wanted to live with Harry, marry him, have kids with him, die with him, and be buried side by side with him. She wanted the fairy tale life her parents had.
"Harry, I'm ready to go," she said. Harry smiled and stood up. The Ministry had invited them to attend a function. Hermione was used to attending these functions; the Ministry had one every other week, it seemed, and they had kept Harry on their invitation list even after he switched careers.
"You look beautiful," he said sincerely. Hermione smiled widely. Harry held out his arm, and Hermione looped hers through his.
Throughout dinner, she could feel a pair of eyes fixed upon her, boring into her, but every time she looked around to see who it was, there was no one staring at her. The feeling made her fairly nervous, but she shrugged it off, telling herself she was just paranoid.
"Dance with me?" she asked Harry after the dinner.
Harry nodded and led her to the dance floor, maneuvering around other couples with the same idea. Hermione still felt the stare upon her. Finally taking a break, Hermione sat down while Harry went to get some fresh air.
A figure, draped in black, joined Harry at the balcony. Harry looked over and smiled. "Hullo, Severus," he greeted the other man pleasantly.
"Good evening, Mr. Potter," he answered.
"What are you doing out here?" Harry asked, looking back out at the landscape. It wasn't beautiful, certainly not as beautiful as Hogwarts, but it was very pleasant. He knew most people would consider Hogwarts' surroundings bleak and dull, but he loved dark settings and high mountains.
"I found the atmosphere a bit too heavy for my liking and decided to get a bit of fresh air. And you?"
"The same. I needed to think, I guess."
"A rarity, I'm sure," Severus answered. Harry looked at him and saw a small smile gracing his features. Harry shrugged.
"Do you need someone to talk to?" Severus asked. They had become friends after the war, having been forced to work together on the war effort. They had quickly become best friends, trusting each other with many secrets. Harry shrugged again.
Severus decided to change the topic. "How are things going with Professor Granger? Or is it Professor Potter now?"
Harry laughed. "It's still Professor Granger."
Severus raised an eyebrow. "Really? I must say, that's a surprise. Why don't you give in to the inevitable and marry her?"
Harry shrugged for the third time. "That's what I'm thinking about. While I was at school, everyone was asking me when I would start to go out with Ginny Weasley. She got married after the war, and everyone asked me why I didn't snatch her up before, telling me that I would've been very happy with her and telling me I was stupid for not asking her out. Now people are starting to ask me when I'm going to marry Hermione. It's just such a huge step. We still live in different quarters. I know Hermione wants to marry, but… I'm just not sure."
Severus looked at him, dumbfounded. "You aren't sure?"
Harry nodded and looked dejectedly at the landscape. "I just have this feeling that there's something wrong about it. Don't get me wrong, Hermione's a wonderful person. She's caring, sensitive, and loving, and I feel like dirt for not loving her as much as she loves me. All I know is that I'm not exuberant. I look at my friends who've gotten married, and all of them are so exuberant about their partners. And here I am, with a wonderful girlfriend, and I feel like there's something missing, and I don't know what's wrong with me!"
Tears started to roll down his face. Going on impulse, Severus pulled his younger friend into a comforting hug, letting him cry.
"Harry, there's nothing wrong with you. You can't choose who you love. But I do suggest if you don't love her, don't stay with her. The longer you keep up this façade, the more hurt Professor Granger will be after you do break up with her. A bit of introspection will help you, I think."
Harry smiled tentatively and sighed.
"If you do break up with her and you need someone to talk to for moral support, I'll be here for you."
Harry looked up at him. "How is it that you know exactly what to say to make me feel better but you can terrify everyone else with the exact same precision?"
Severus' eyes twinkled. "That's my little secret, Potter. And I'm not done talking to you yet, so you might want to hold off on that comment."
Harry raised an eyebrow.
"If you break up with her, all of your mutual friends and all of her friends are going to think that you are a cruel, heartless bastard. They're going to make you think that you are lower than dirt and that you aren't suffering at all from the break-up. They're going to make you feel like you have just ruined her whole life. Any sorrow you're feeling will not be acknowledged. You should know now, Harry, that it is perfectly natural for you to feel sad, too."
Harry nodded gratefully. "I'll keep that in mind, Severus. Thanks."
Severus allowed the smallest smile to grace his face. Harry smiled back, happy in the knowledge that he was the only person Severus felt relaxed enough to smile around.
Meanwhile, Hermione was talking to Ron inside.
"How are things going with Harry?" Ron asked.
Hermione smiled widely. "I love him. He's great, y'know, very caring and sensitive."
"I know you love him," Ron answered, smiling. "Is there going to be a ring on your finger any time soon?" he asked. He had settled down with Draco Malfoy, a move that had startled everyone except for Harry, who had only smiled broadly and wished them both the best.
Hermione' smile fell. "I don't know. He won't even move in with me, nor has he invited me to move in with him."
Ron nodded slowly. "You know what I've been telling you," he started. "I don't think Harry's ever going to ask."
Hermione snarled.
"You know I think he's gay and still dealing with it," Ron continued slowly, trying to be sensitive and careful.
Hermione frowned deeply. "I don't believe you. Just because you're gay doesn't mean he is." Ron sighed and decided not to push too hard.
"All I'm saying, Hermione, is be prepared for him leaving you."
Hermione sneered and turned away from her friend.
"Where is Harry, anyway?" Ron asked.
"He went out to get some fresh air," she answered tersely.
"Hermione, don't be angry at me. It's all speculation. Maybe I'm misreading the signs and he really is sincere."
Hermione sniffed slightly. Ron gave up and left, joining his lover immediately.
Two days later, Harry visited Severus down in the dungeons.
"Severus," Harry began tentatively.
"Yes, Harry?" Severus asked, motioning for Harry to sit down in one of the seats. Harry sat down immediately and thought about what he wanted to say.
"I've really thought about it, everything you said, and I realized that I don't love her. And I know what was missing."
"Oh?" Severus asked.
"I've kept pushing that part of myself away. I dunno why… Now it's come back to haunt me with a vengeance."
"What has, Harry?" Severus asked very gently.
Harry started to cry again, feeling terrible about himself. Severus took Harry's emotions into stride, realizing that Harry was going through a very tough time.
"I realized some time fourth year that I'm gay," Harry admitted softly. "I never, ever, ever told anyone. I just shoved it away and told myself I'm not. And now, those feelings have come back stronger than they've ever been, and I dunno what to do! Hermione and I haven't had sex for five weeks now, just because I keep feeling that it's wrong to me somehow, and I realize that I wish that I were doing it with a man… And now I feel even worse, feel like I'm a disgusting freak…"
"Oh, Harry, you're not a freak!" Severus cried. "Plenty of people are gay, and the Wizarding World knows that. Being gay isn't wrong in this society. Look at Lupin and Black, Draco and Ron, and Finnegan and Thomas. They're all gay, and they haven't suffered any because of it. Look at me! I'm gay, and nothing's happened to me because of it."
Harry calmed down slightly at that. "You mean it's completely natural?" he asked.
Severus rolled his eyes. "Sometimes you are the thickest person I know, Potter. Of course it's natural. If you had only looked around, you would've seen it yourself."
Harry sighed slightly, suddenly very relieved. "Now I just have to break up with Hermione," he muttered.
"Now, that one I can't predict the outcome to," Severus answered. "But remember, I'm here for any moral support you need."
Harry nodded gratefully and headed up to Hermione's rooms.
Hermione opened the door, surprised to see Harry there. "Come in!"
Harry entered hesitantly. "There's something I have to tell you," he began nervously.
Hermione smiled suddenly, positive he was finally asking her to move in with him, maybe even asking him to marry her.
"I… This isn't working. I'm just not… I dunno, I just don't feel comfortable. It's… Maybe it's best if I just get out with it. I love you very much, Hermione, I really do," he took a deep breath.
Hermione beamed, certain the last part was a prelude to a proposition.
"But I'm not in love with you. I… I can't be a part of this relationship anymore. It isn't working for me. I… oh, God, this isn't easy, I still want to be friends with you, but I can't love you the way you love me. And if I do take this to the next level – moving in, or marriage, or whatever – I wouldn't be a good mate for you, Hermione, I just can't be."
"Oh, you silly goose, of course you're a good mate. You're the best mate a woman could want," Hermione answered, thinking all her boyfriend needed was a bit of reassurance.
"No, Hermione, I'm not. I can't be, because I'm not what you want me to be. I'm not looking for reassurance, or more love, or any conditions or anything, just… I want this to go amicably. I don't want to hurt you very badly, although I know you're going to be just by the nature of this conversation… I don't love you the way I should if I'm going to marry you, and I'm just tying you down from finding happiness from someone who does love you that way. You deserve someone better."
He turned to leave. Hermione's hand shot out and grabbed his arm. "You're perfect," she said.
"Hermione, I don't know how to say this… I'm leaving you. I have to."
Her eyes turned dark suddenly. "You're what!" she screamed, slapping him across the face. "You're leaving me, you, you…." she turned away, disgusted. She whirled around again, her face twisted in a murderous rage. "I've kept myself pure for you, I've pined after you for six years, unsure how to approach you, I've been loving and caring and this is my reward!"
Harry decided he had been very right in not telling her he was gay. It would have only incensed her further.
"So what? You found someone else?"
Harry shook his head. "There's been no one but you, Hermione."
"Then why are you leaving me?"
"Because I don't love you. I feel like there's something missing, and I'm not willing to drag both of us through problems later in life because I'm not happy."
"Get out of here! I never want to see you again in my life!" She slapped him again.
Harry bowed his head and left, heading straight to the dungeons.
Severus opened the door immediately, taking in the red hand-prints on Harry's face and the tears sliding down his damp cheeks slowly.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Harry," he murmured softly. "I'm so, so sorry." He pulled the man into a hug and shut the door behind them, comforting his friend to the best of his ability.
"Can you tell me what happened?" he asked.
Harry nodded and told Severus the entire story, sobbing harder by the end. Severus stroked Harry's back gently and stood there, letting the man cry as much as he wanted. He finally sat down on the couch, Harry still hugging him and crying, and began to rock back and forth, singing softly. Harry fell asleep in his arms, the occasional tremor still working its way through his body. Severus shifted Harry in his arms and carried him to Severus' bed. He put Harry down and tucked him in, smiling slightly at the sleeping man.
Severus returned to his sitting room and pulled out a stack of papers to grade. He stood up when a person insistently knocked on his door. He would have ignored it but he didn't want Harry to wake up.
"Yes, Professor Granger? What can I do for you?" he asked quietly.
"Is that bastard here?" she hissed. "Is he with you?"
Severus raised an eyebrow. "Is who here?"
"You know perfectly well what I'm talking about!" she snapped. "Harry. Is he here?"
"Why would you think he is in here?" he asked calmly, stepping out of his rooms and shutting the door.
"Because he isn't in his rooms," she answered.
Severus raised the other eyebrow as well.
"And I know he's good friends with you!" Hermione added.
"Why are you looking for him?" Severus asked serenely.
Hermione glared at him. Severus merely shrugged.
"That, Professor Snape, is none of your damned business!" she snapped.
"Then, no, I haven't seen him. I'm sure Potter has better things to do than visit me."
Hermione snarled. "Don't lie to me, Professor Snape! I know he's in there. I know you told him to do it! I know it was all your fault! You just want him for yourself, you want to corrupt him like the Death Eater you are!"
Severus' eyes shot daggers at Hermione, and for a second, Hermione thought he was going to kill her. "Professor Granger, I have not seen Professor Potter. This conversation ends now." He turned sharply on his heel.
Hermione grabbed his arm and whirled him around, throwing him against the wall, her wand already in her hand and pointed at him. "You tell me where he is! Tell me why you had to talk him into doing it! He's in there, celebrating with you, isn't he? Isn't he?" She grew angrier and angrier with each passing word.
Severus' hand slipped surreptitiously to his wand. "I, quite frankly, have no idea what you're talking about, nor do I wish to. Wherever Potter is, I'm sure he will surface and you two can go back to happily existing together."
Hermione's eyes narrowed quickly. "You bastard, you know what happened and you're just rubbing it in!" she shrieked.
Severus shrugged. "I'm returning to my rooms now and will pass the night undisturbed by you. Find your boyfriend by yourself – I'm not his babysitter, after all."
He turned around and entered his rooms, shutting and locking the door behind him. He sighed. After showering and putting on his pajamas, he cleared off his sofa, stretched out and fell asleep immediately.
Harry woke up the next morning, noticing that he was in a strange bed in a strange room. Looking around blearily, he noticed his glasses had been taken off and gently placed on the nightstand, along with his wand, and his shoes and socks had been taken off and neatly placed next to the bed. He looked around and decided he was definitely in Severus' bedroom. He tiptoed into the sitting room and saw Severus stretched out on the couch, still sleeping.
"Oh," he breathed inaudibly, tears prickling his eyes. He knew Severus had difficulties sleeping and was usually poorly rested.
Severus stirred slightly and woke quickly, sitting up immediately. He looked around and took his surroundings in efficiently, wand hand ready to find his wand quickly and cast any necessary curses. He relaxed when he perceived no threat and stood up, stretching.
"Good morning, Harry. I hope you slept well," he greeted his friend pleasantly.
"Morning, Severus. Thank you."
Severus smiled slightly. "It was nothing. Would you like to freshen up before breakfast?"
"I would, but I don't exactly have a change of clothes with me."
Severus chuckled. "I took the liberty of asking a house-elf to get them. I hope you don't mind."
Harry smiled, exceedingly grateful. "Thank you."
Fifteen minutes later, they went breakfast, sitting down next to each other and eating in silence. Hermione glared daggers at both of them during breakfast, cornering Harry in the hallway after breakfast.
"So you stayed the night with him!" she shrieked.
"Professor Granger, you are setting a bad example for the few students who remained during Christmas break," Severus interceded.
"This is none of your damned business!" she snapped at him. She turned to Harry. "You leave me and go straight to him!"
Harry searched for a suitable response.
"Severus was simply giving me some moral support," he finally answered.
"You leave me, and you need the moral support!" she cried. "What about me!"
"It wasn't easy to leave you," he answered angrily. "Besides, you could go to anyone – they would sympathize. Severus made it very clear ever since we became friends that he would always be there for me if I needed support."
"If it wasn't easy to leave me, why did you? You didn't have to!"
"Because I couldn't stay with you any longer! It wasn't working!"
"You bastard!" she shrieked, slapping him across the face again. Within seconds, she found herself staring at a wand.
"Professor Granger, strike Professor Potter again and I will hex you. Make no mistake about that. As it were, I will content myself with reporting you to Professor Dumbledore for striking another member of the faculty, in a public place no less."
He wheeled around sharply and grabbed Harry by the arm. "Come on," he growled. Harry followed obediently, as shocked as Hermione.
"You didn't have to do that," Harry said softly once Severus let him go.
Severus smiled slightly. "I know. But, well, it was the third time she struck you. I guess I just got a little protective of you. You are my friend, you know, and I don't tolerate attacks upon the few friends I have."
Harry smiled widely.
Severus chuckled. "Now, come with me. I can heal this one quickly." Harry followed Severus to the dungeons and hopped up onto one of the lab tables. Severus grabbed a vial and uncorked it, rubbing the healing potion into Harry's cheek.
"There," he said finally. "All better."
"Thanks, Severus." Harry sighed dejectedly.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Severus asked immediately.
"I just feel kinda bad about leaving her and all. I mean, it wasn't easy."
Severus nodded. "I never said it would be. But if you don't love her, if you're gay, then it was the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been right of you to stay in that relationship if it wasn't working for either one of you. I'm sure Professor Granger would have done the same had she been in your shoes."
"I just think maybe I shouldn't've done it. Just kept… just stayed with it. Maybe I was just nervous about something."
Severus grabbed Harry's head gently and stared him in the eye. "Harry, if you didn't love her, and if you thought about having sex with a man instead of her, than leaving her was a good move for both of you. You're now free to do as you will, as is she."
Harry nodded, and Severus let go of him.
"Thanks, Severus," Harry sighed. "I don't know how I'd go through this without your help."
Severus smiled slightly. "I'm glad I could be of assistance," he answered smoothly.
Harry jumped off the table. "I'll be back fairly soon, I guess. I'm going to go for a walk and mull over some things."
Severus nodded. "I'll leave you to it then. Just visit your aging Potions Master sometime, will you?"
Harry smiled widely and nodded. "Of course. I'll probably be back today, after I've calmed down and thought over some things. If not today, then tomorrow." Severus nodded again.
Harry left, and Severus began making a potion. He smiled slightly himself. He would've been content if Harry and Hermione had stayed together, but he was joyful now that Harry was free. And the knowledge that Harry was also gay made Severus even happier. He was free to pursue Harry himself.
Harry returned much later that day and smiled at Severus immediately.
"How are you feeling?" Severus asked.
"Much happier," Harry answered. "I really thought about all of it, and I realized that I had done the right thing in leaving her."
"I'm content you've managed to come to terms with that unfortunate but necessary situation."
Harry laughed. "You have got the be the only person I know who can construct sentences like that so quickly."
"I merely deign to use the most precise terms of my diverse and pedagogical vocabulary."
"Pedagogical?" Harry asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Teaching," Severus supplied.
Harry laughed. "You really are the only person I know who can do that. And then there are times when you manage to sound human."
"I suppose being human helps," Severus deadpanned.
Harry laughed again. Severus chuckle himself, his small smile gracing his features.
"What do you think of my leaving Hermione?" Harry asked suddenly.
"I've told you what I think many times, Harry," Severus answered, confused.
"No, I mean what are your emotions regarding the subject?"
Severus shrugged. "A bit of sorrow for Professor Granger, anger at her as well, happiness for you… Why are you asking?"
Harry blushed faintly. "No reason," he murmured.
"You're a pathetic liar," Severus answered with a sigh.
Harry bit his lip. "You see, there was another thing kind of on my mind."
Severus raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
"Well… God, how do I get myself into these situations? The ones where I have no idea whatsoever what to say but I have to anyway?"
"You won't get out of it until you share what is on your mind," Severus pointed out.
"I realized why else it wasn't working, besides the fact that she's a woman."
Severus raised the other eyebrow.
"I'm in love with someone else…"
A cold fist crushed Severus' heart slowly and painfully. Talking around his constricted throat, he asked, "Whom?"
Harry blushed again. "I'm not sure you want to know."
The hand around Severus' heart tightened further, making it almost impossible to breathe from emotion.
"Of course I do," Severus answered, seemingly calm. "I'm your friend, after all."
Harry nodded. "Well… Promise you won't kill me?"
Severus nodded, terrified of what would come next.
Harry took a deep, steadying breath. "You," he whispered, hoping Severus wouldn't hear.
The hand around Severus' heart loosened slightly. "Are you serious?" Severus demanded.
Harry nodded, ashamed. "Now that I've managed to completely humiliate myself and anger you, I'm leaving."
"Oh, no, you're not!" Severus answered. "Stay."
"But…"
"No buts," Severus replied mock-strictly. "Stay. Please."
Harry nodded and sat down in one of the armchairs he liked.
"Now," Severus continued. "You say you're being absolutely serious?"
Harry nodded slowly.
"And you have no intention of doing to me what you did to poor Professor Granger?"
Harry shook his head. "No."
"Good," Severus answered, smiling slightly. "I do feel a bit sorry for Professor Granger, after all, but I wouldn't ever want to lose you in the same way."
Harry raised an eyebrow. "What!"
Severus chuckled. "Professor Potter, I must say, you are an idiot. Or imperceptive, at the very least."
Harry blushed deeply. "Oh."
"Yes, oh. I love you, too," Severus added.
Harry beamed.
Severus smiled his small smile, although Harry suspected it was wider than usual. Severus cleared his throat. "Harry, would you do me the honor of dating me?"
Harry swallowed around the emotions constricting his throat.
"Yes," he answered, tears prickling his eyes. "Very much yes."
Severus' eyes twinkled warmly as he pulled his boyfriend into a gentle hug, signaling the beginning of many such hugs and many more warm moments.
-- End