Was it Such a Crime?
By: LadyKaryfly
Was it such a crime? Was it a crime to leave me locked up in my silent kennel? Couldn't they have just left me be? Couldn't they see I had no wish to be here or part of their foolish White Tower?
"Sernlenne?" I start when I remember that that's my name. My sul'dam had always called me Lenne. But they never would refer to me as such. They thought it was a name used to disgrace me. They would never understand the calm that the nickname brought me. It allowed me to separate myself from the memories of my before life. I didn't wish to travel the roads of poverty and abuse again. I was never one of the homesick ones.
"Sernlenne?" the voice was stern this time. I looked up to face her, with a twinge. I winced, forgetting that I was freed, and no longer wore the a'dam. She couldn't punish me like that. I cleared my throat.
"Yes?" I asked. My voice was still rusty. It sounded weird to me. I rarely spoke to my sul'dam; she always seemed to know what I thought or what I wanted. Maybe that's why I was loyal to her, even though I had seen her slaughtered before my eyes.
"You seem to have troubles fitting with the other Novices, is there something wrong?" the woman tried to smile at me, but we both knew it was fake. She wanted to know why I hadn't embraced their way with joy and bliss, happy to be free from my collar. That's what they'd expected wasn't it? I hated them.
"They don't like me." I didn't mention that the feeling was mutual. They asked me about the abuse I had suffered. They asked about the neglect, the evil of the a'dam. How could I explain to them that I wasn't punished unless I deserved it? That the a'dam was comforting force that allowed me to keep my sanity and life. I had seen the ones that hadn't been found in time, unleashing the power to bring about their death and millions around them. I didn't want to be like them, who did?
"Maybe you aren't trying enough to get them to like you? They're very nice girls, Sernlenne. But that's not why I brought you here. The Amyrlin wants to meet you. She wants to talk to you about freeing other damane."
I nodded and allowed myself to be lead away to the Hall. There, seated in chairs made of their own arrogance, were the shawled Aes Sedai. And sitting at the front, their leader, the most hated of them all in my mind. I walked slowly to the front, and dropped into a curtsey. Before I would have fallen to the ground and hid my face. Before I would have waited for the flick of the leash to move me.
"You may rise, Sernlenne." I waited for a moment, for my sul'dam to raise me, and then remembered she was dead. I forgot this frequently, often not doing anything until it was called to my memory I was no longer a damane.
"We'd like to talk to you about the possibility of freeing more damane from the Seanchan camps. They're well trained in the way of the One Power and would be welcome additions to our ranks. Do you have any advice." For the first time I looked up at her. I allowed the venom to drop in my voice.
"Take only your kind, Aes Sedai. You could never understand what you do to those native Seanchan whom you free." I hissed at her. Without a word, for once relishing my freedom of movement and speech I stalked out of the room. Now I sat in the library, the only quiet room in the White Tower. I almost wished my beloved sul'dam was here. She would protect me, clasp the familiar a'dam around my neck, save me from myself and these hated Aes Sedai.
Was it such a crime to leave me there that night they fled? I wouldn't have told anyone they left, or even where they had gone. Just, please, leave me there. Couldn't they see the unhappiness that radiated off of me? I didn't belong here, not with all these free Channelers walking around. Maybe it was good for them, but not for me. I was a damane.
"Sernlenne?" I looked up at the Accepted with her banded skirt. Even though she ranked higher then me, she skirted around me like all but the oldest Sisters did. I met eyes with her, silently telling her to continue or get out.
"They want you to take the test to become Accepted." She blabbered. I stared blankly at her. I knew this would come. I just hadn't expected it to be so soon after my disgraceful display two months ago. I followed the Accepted down to where I would be tested. She stopped and pushed open the door for me. Then she grabbed my arm.
"They won't be mad if you don't want to take it right now." She said, as if offering my last tip before venturing into the Pits of Doom. Maybe that was what it was. I didn't know, nor did I care.
I didn't hear a thing that the told me, only wordlessly following what they told me. The sisters were wary around me, as if I would attack them at the slightest thing. I was too well trained for that. Maybe they resented me for my rude treatment to the Amyrlin. I did notice my point got across. No more damane had been freed, at least no more by the Aes Sedai. Many of them would sooner die then be exposed to life again without the collar.
I cannot recall the tests, only that soon I was surrounded by the glowing light of the Aes Sedai as they dressed me in the Accepted dress. I think they thought I was truly there's now. That I had accepted the crime that they committed by freeing me as a good thing. I hadn't though. My fury was only out measured by my emptiness.
I have made up my mind. I will show them the crime they have committed. I will flee form this hell. I will flee never to return. But they won't repent. They will never see what they did to me as a crime. Perhaps it will give them pause before freeing the others though.
Aklane peeked into the room. She was checking in on the Seanchan Accepted. It was common fact through the Ajahs that the poor thing was unhappy. To her own Ajah, the White, it was obvious why. The girl didn't belong. She had never accepted the freedom given to her.
Aklane opened the door when she didn't see the girl through the crack. Aklane's eyes didn't open with shock. She didn't scream, or panic or anything of the sort. She felt the pulse on the child's neck. It was faint. She sat down beside the girl.
"The right thing would be to get you to a healer," she said, "But would that be what you wanted. You are so obviously unhappy that you tried to take your own life. Poor lost child. You know, if I weren't for me, you'd never have been freed. You would have been safe from the hard cold world. I'm sorry. I should have known you'd never survive out here." Aklane stood up and left the room. As she closed the door behind her she felt at her neck. She could still feel the cold imprisonment that the collar had represented. Yet, she could also remember the happy ones. The ones that loved the collar. She had thought them alien. They thought the same of her, didn't they. She knew that the poor thing should never have been taken away, even as she did it. At least the child had found a way to take her life peacefully.
Sernlenne waited quietly. The a'dam rested gently around her neck, its silver leash coiling up somewhere behind her. She didn't need to question where. She felt the overpowering emotions of her sul'dam. She felt under control. She felt safe. How could such a feeling be a crime?
A/N: I don't own the Wheel of Time, I do own the characters and the plot line. I remembered how many thought that the treatment of the damane was inhuman, but no one cared to ask the damane themselves. How many of them came form bad backgrounds where this life of consistancy and order was a relief? I only offer what might be.