(Chaos at the tournament…)
Oni Link: I thought I told you Bowser, only swords!
Bowser (holds up an energy sword stolen from the first Halo person): Raaaaawwwrrr!
Oni Link: Oh. Well, anyway, next is Cloud versus Marth!
Cloud: Finally! I take you out of the game, and then it's Sephy's turn!
Marth: In your dreams, blondie.
Cloud: You did not just insult my hair! DIE, EVIL BEING!
Marth: Whatever.
(Cloud charges at Marth in a blind rage, trying to get revenge for his hair, which has been deeply insulted.)
Marth: Note to self…never insult Cloud's hair. (faints)
Cloud: My hair has regained its integrity!
Oni Link: Alright, Ego Boy, out of the ring. Next round, please.
Cloud: Must the insults continue?
Oni Link: I said LEAVE. NOW.
Cloud (whimpering): Okay, master. (runs out of ring)
Oni Link: Next, it's fencergirl00 and…who is this weirdo…Raphael? Whatever, just go, I'm getting hungry! Roy, bring us some burgers!
Roy: Sure thing, pal!
fg00: Bring it!
Raphael: En guarde.
Oni Link: Sorry, I don't speak German. Well, go ahead and kill each other.
fg00: Wait! We need battle music! MC Link?
MC Link: Right on, yo! (presses play; American Idiot plays in Spanish)
fg00: That's not right! Next song.
MC Link: Right. Sorry, yo. (YMCA plays)
fg00: No, that's wrong. Keep going. (Come Clean from Hilary Duff) Gaaaahh! Change it, quick! (Hampsterdance)
C. Falcon: YAY!
fg00: Had enough of that. Keep trying. (Goofy Goober Rock; horsie890 sings along) NO! (Barney song plays) CHANGE IIIIIIIITT! (MC Link tries; track won't change) Evil possessed music player! (smashes it with her sword)
MC Link: No! My precious! How could you, you're such a monster! (cries for hours)
I raised from just a little iPod! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? HAVE YOU NO DECENCY, YO?
fg00: Guess not. Let's go! (Five minutes later…Raphael is unconscious on the ground.) Knew it. Me rocks.
Oni Link: Whatever. And now…
C. Falcon: The match…
Falco: …
C. Falcon (whispering to him): Say it!
Falco: …
C. Falcon: SAY IT!
Falco (grumbling): of the century! It's Cloud versus Sephiroth! (crowd gasps and cheers at the same time, causing several of members of it to faint from lack of oxygen)
Halo person: Hey!
fg00: What about the rest of us?
Oni Link: Yeah, seriously, what's going on up there?
Cloud (in announcer's box, handing Falco and C. Falcon large sums of money in personal checks): Uh, nothing! Just…delivering a pizza! With forks!
Sephiroth: I SURRENDER! To the forks, not you, Cloud. PICKLES!
Cloud: Must…resist…girly…scream…can't! EEEEEEEEKK! (screams into microphone, causing the rest of the crowd to faint/ go deaf/ -'s ears to bleed.)
Oni Link: Pleeease let's get this over with! And try not to spill too much blood. We just had the arena steam cleaned and detailed yesterday…
Sephiroth: We make no promises.
Cloud: That's the only thing we can agree on.
Falco: Ready…
C. Falcon: Set…
Both: GO!
(Cloud immediately flies into the sky using Omnislash, but Sephiroth uses awesome cow powers to try and freeze him in midair. Cloud knocks away the spell, back at Sephiroth, freezing him, then knocks him out of the arena. He lands on the ground to one person clapping: The Oni Link worshipping fanperson. His massive barrier of Oni Link stuff protected him from the other crowd-killing circumstances. He thinks Cloud is cool too, but that Oni Link is the best ever.)
Cloud: Well, it's better than nothing. What do I get?
Oni Link: Uhh…(clears throat) (professional voice) Allow me consult with my associates. (goes to Falco and Falcon)
What do we do! We never came up with a prize!
C. Falcon: Give him the entire Cloud action figure set.
Falco: He made them, you idiot!
C. Falcon: That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!
Falco (slaps himself in the face): WHY?
Oni Link: Why don't we give him toast? It goes great with coffee.
Falco: You don't really think he would go for that, do you?
Oni Link: It's the only way. (to Cloud) Just a minute while we get your prize.
Cloud: Take your time.
(Oni Link and Falco start cooking, then realize they're out of flour.)
Falco: Hey, Falcon, go get us some ground flour, okay?
C. Falcon (misinterprets): Your grammar is horrible, but okay.
(C. Falcon sneaks over to Sephiroth's house, where he keeps his prizewinning pretty pink and purple petunias.)
C. Falcon: (grabs flower) Um, flower, you are grounded until further notice. (…) Don't give me that attitude! (…) No, it wasn't my idea. Now stop complaining, I don't know what you did! (goes back to Oni and Falco)
Oni Link: Great, you're back. Now where's that flour?
C. Falcon: Here you go! (hands him flower)
Falco: No, you idiot! Not that kind of flower! Flour? Oh, I meant the white stuff you put in baked goods!
C. Falcon: Oooooohhh, why didn't you say so? (gives them radioactive flour)
Falco: Thanks (under his breath) I hate you.
Oni Link: (five minutes later) And now, we have toast!
(But the toast is glowing green. It grows black crusty arms and a pat of butter for a nose and menacing jelly eyes.)
Toast monster: It is I, the leader of the Evil Toast Monsters From Beyond the Coffeepot! Feel my wrath! (runs around in circles, then looks at Cloud. Its minions follow.) Long has our kind searched for the one with hair the color of the dairy product known as butter and harder than the crust on the most charred of toast.
Cloud: Uh, thanks. I use lots of hair gel. (to Oni Link) Hey, great prize, man!
Oni Link (to Cloud): You're welcome! (to Falcon) What have you done?
Falco: It…it…it was his fault! (points at the flower)
Cloud: Sure, I'll be your leader.
Toast monsters: Huzzah! (They all carry Cloud to their secret headquarters behind a coffeepot at his house.)
Sorry it took me so long. I hope you liked it!