Title: Lonely at the Top Ch 4/?

Author: Kate, k4writer02@yahoo.com

Disclaimer: I do not own Kalasin, Lianne, Buri, Kaddar, Carthak, Tortall or any of the people/places named in this story. I am not making a profit and no infringement is intended.

Rating: PG

Authors Note: Thanks for reading! I appreciate it.

Ch 4

As Kalasin had predicted, the banquet had lasted for hours, the room had been stifling, and the nobles had been in fine form for criticizing the foreign dignitaries under their breath. But she had been pleasantly surprised that the comparisons between the guests and the empress were entirely favorable to herself! After four years of living among them, the nobles had adopted her into their hearts. She was the jewel of their Court, placed on display to symbolize their nation's superiority over all the Southern lands. They had accepted her.

The crown rested lightly on the dressing table. Kalasin sighed in relief. She had released her hair from the dramatic coiled arrangement that made her neck ache. Ordinarily, a maid would help her, but tonight Kalasin needed to be alone. She had learned to love her new home, but there were nights when the accented voices and the scents of hot food on warm breath and the touch of a maid's skin on her hair was too foreign.

Tonight was on of those nights. Kalasin had washed her own hair, and was now attempting to brush it. It was long, the ends falling past her waist. In the lamplight her hair took on a glossy sheen. As she studied her reflection in the mirror, Kalasin admitted that it was her primary source of vanity. She loved the light, soft weight of it as it tumbled all around her shoulders and rested on her back. She liked the way it rubbed against her arms. When her hair was tumbling down her back like this, she felt closer to the little girl she had been in Tortall.

Kalasin sighed and picked up her comb. She loved her hair, and so she usually didn't resent maintaining it. But tonight, she wanted to simply fall into bed and sleep. Unfortunately, if she did so, she would wake to a matted and tangled mane. As she began, the door to her boudoir swung open. She turned rapidly. This room was her private place. No one, not even Kaddar, entered without knocking. She was ready to rake someone across the coals when she recognized Buri. Her mother's best friend was dressed in a simple white cotton nightgown. Her hair was freshly washed and plaited.

"I thought you could use a hand with that mop." Buri told her lightly. "Here, give me the comb."

Obediently, Kalasin relinquished the instrument of hair care, as she had always done at home.

"Relax." Buri ordered the tense young woman. "I'm not going to ask you any questions tonight. I'll wait till you're ready to tell me."

"You already know?" Kalasin asked dully.

"Not specifics, really. But I read your letters and I knew you weren't happy. Now I see you and you're like a mare that's run too far too fast without stopping for breath or drink."

Kalasin smiled a little. "You're so honest." She murmured. "I miss that."

Buri combed the hair gently. Kalasin made a mumble that sounded like a pleased cat's purr. Buri grinned. "When you were a little girl you loved it when anyone fussed with your hair. You didn't always like to be still, but if I started to brush your hair you would freeze in place till I was done. Your mother used to laugh about it."

"She said that it proved I was part K'mir. I must have horse blood in me, because I was vain enough to stay still to be groomed."

Buri nodded affectionately. "You were such a good girl."

"I liked being the center of attention." Kally yawned, then apologized hastily.

The older woman laughed. "You forget, I survived all six of your mother's pregnancies. I know the stages as well as your father."

Kalasin made a face. "This is normal, then? Being tired all the time?"

"Oh my, yes. If you're anything like Thayet you're probably craving food from home the way a girl whose sweetheart is at war craves news that he's safe."

"That's an interesting metaphor." Kalasin said sleepily. "It's a good one, too."

"I thought so." Buri said. "I've brought potatoes, wild turkey, ingredients for sticky buns, candies and various other little things."

Kalasin sighed in contentment, imagining the meal. "Is Lia settled, then?" She asked.

"She fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow." Buri told the younger woman.

"Please give me the news from home." Kalasin asked. "How is Raoul? And my family?"

"Raoul is very well." Buri said. A wistful, loving expression crossed her face. "We're apart too much, with the war and the usual crises like immortals and bandits and raiders, but we're well."

Kalasin's face relaxed into a warm, easy smile. "I love that you're so happy. I still don't believe that you gave up the Riders to Evin Larse, but I'm happy it gave you time to visit."

Buri tugged at a knot in Kally's hair as her answer. "Your father is fine. Strained from the war, pleased that it's ending, but he misses you. Neither of your sisters has been able to fill the spot in his heart that he saves just for you. Your mother stays busy, but she thinks of you very often. She wishes you were nearer, you know."

"I know." Kalasin said, as a lump in her throat choked her.

"Roald and his wife are very happy. They're two of a kind, you know. Quiet and idealistic. Strong, under a soft surface."

"He'll be a very different sort of a king than Father is." Kalasin said. "But I don't think anyone will challenge him."

Buri made no comment. "Liam is well. He won his shield, as you've heard. There're plans for him to go to Galla soon. The king has daughters, as you know. They were affronted when Kaddar chose you instead of one of them. Maybe we can mend things somewhat."

"Daine would be delighted." Kalasin relaxed as Buri competently smoothed the tangles.

"Of course, he could always go to the Copper Isles to meet one of Aly's dear friends, the half-raka half-luarin queen and her sister." Buri smiled a little. "But perhaps we'll save that for Jasson."

Kalasin scrupulously avoided comment. "How is Jasson?"

"Jasson is fine as well." Buri commented. "He keeps your parents guessing. He's lively, but you probably remember that."

"He never would stay still for a minute all together." Kalasin remembered fondly. "I know all about Lia. Tell me about Nora."

Buri's lips thinned. "You know I love all of you."

"Yes." Kalasin woke up a little. "There's a but there, isn't there?"

"Yes. I love Nora, but she's gone wild. Lianne probably told you she's at Naxen visiting the Duke."

"She did."

"Did she tell you why?"

"Nora played pranks?"

"She ruined negotiations for a marriage treaty between Tortall and Tyra. Years of work, undone in a single day." Buri sighed. "I know why she didn't want to marry the lad. He is a pompous ass."

Kalasin muffled a laugh.

"But she should've trusted your parents and Gary to redirect the offer politely." Buri reached for a towel and absorbed some of the moisture from Kalasin's hair. She ran the comb through again, then divided the hair and began to competently plait the hair. "None of them would ever send you to a place where they know you have no chance at happiness."

Kalasin observed, "The problem with Nora being brilliant is that she assumes everyone else is stupid."

Buri pressed her lips into a thin line. "I love the girl, but she's well and truly messed that treaty up for us."

"Lia thinks that Nora will choose her own husband from Tortall's nobles and settle at court to do the duties of prime minister for Roald." Kalasin confided, rolling her shoulders to ease some of the tension from her stiff muscles.

Buri shook her head. "Perhaps that is where Nora's hopes lie. But your parents have plans for her. It's not good policy to have two siblings so close to the throne with so much knowledge. Gives even the best of them ideas."

Kalasin shivered. "Nora would never try to usurp the throne from Roald."

"Are you so sure?" Buri asked cynically. Kalasin bit her lip in dismay. Buri saw how much her words had distressed Kalasin. "Shh, little one, I speak as a warrior used to looking for the worst from powerful nobles. Your sister is a good girl, who loves her home. The only thing that could ever happen would be if she started thinking she knew best. But she won't do that while Gary and his father and your parents are around, so you can calm yourself. I'm just angry that so much work was ruined so quickly." Buri smiled. "You spoiled us you know. You went so quietly. Not a protest, not a tear."

"I froze." Kally confessed. "I turned into a block of ice, when I heard the news."

Buri caressed the younger woman's scalp. "Were you frightened?" She inquired.

"Yes, and no. Mother and father gave me plenty to worry about with their discussions of duty and honor and the role of the nobility. Mother was honest about how hard it is to be perceived as a foreigner in the land you chose as your own." Kalasin lifted her fingers to rub over the plaited hair. "But mostly I was frightened about Kaddar."

"Because you didn't know him?"

"Because I didn't know him, and Daine was so fond of him, and he is so much older than me." Kalasin hesitated. "I came here an innocent."

Buri read between the lines and realized Kalasin meant she came to the empire a virgin.

"I knew he had experiences I did not. I was afraid that I might-," She hesitated, blushing badly "Disappoint him."

"But you learned love together?" Buri asked matter-of-factly, twisting some of Kalasin's hair.

"He was very kind to me. Very gentle." Kalasin reassured Buri with a blush and lowered eyes.

"What about administering to the nation?"

"I knew all the theory, but I had so little practice." Kalasin said ruefully. "I was with the Countess at King's Reach for years. I was so idealistic. I wanted to rush in and free every slave, teach every man woman and child to read and to write, teach women the basics of defending themselves against assailants. . ." Kalasin trailed off.

"You've started schools, the emperor tells me, and you've freed many slaves and prisoners."

"It was wrong that they were imprisoned because they could not pay their debts." Kalasin said simply. "And I've reminded the priestesses of the Great Mother to arm themselves. They teach classes, to those who are interested. I require it of all the maids."

"So enlightened." Buri clucked, remembering a talk she had with Kel a few years back about girl Riders who trained common women to defend themselves.

"I haven't started a version of the Riders yet, but I have no one to pawn off the work of training to. No Onua to find ponies, no Sarge to bellow, no Evin to laugh while he does everything else."

Buri laughed in delight. The young, sweet princess couldn't have said anything so close to bitter. "Soon enough, little one. You're making great strides here. Even the nobles look at you now and see one of their own."

Kalasin smiled wistfully. "I've worked so hard, and there's still so far to go." Her exhaustion wrenched the words from her. "It's hard to keep hoping, when no one even sees what I do or why I do it, and I can't tell if I'm getting anywhere or going in circles."

Buri sat beside Kally on the low bench that sat before the empress's vanity table. The older woman wrapped an arm around her surrogate daughter. Kalasin turned her face to rest against the stocky K'mir's shoulder. Tears leaked out of the tightly shut eyes.

Buri simply sat, and let the storm of emotions calm. Kalasin sniffled. "What else did Kaddar tell you?"

"That you've been very careful to send only reports of good news home."

Kalasin dried her eyes with a handkerchief. "Oh, well, that. Yes, maybe. But I didn't want Mother angry at Father when neither of them can change a thing now."

Buri shook her head. "He mentioned that Chavi's gone. If you'd told us, we would've sent you another one of Moonlight and Darkness's descendants."

Kalasin nodded, feeling safe. "It wasn't necessary. She left a lovely little filly. Dian." Kalasin reached for a dab of cream and rubbed it into her hands.

"The opposite happened to you, didn't it?" Buri asked, stabbing with a question. "Chavi left a foal. You lost the little one, and were left behind."

Kalasin pulled back angrily. She stood and backed away from the velvet covered bench and vanity where Buri sat. "Did he tell you that too?" Bitterness and betrayal filled every lines of her body. "He had no right. It was my secret to keep."

"We all knew something terrible had happened. We worried when your letters turned so dark and pained." Buri said. "Why didn't you tell us? Did you think we couldn't understand?"

"Some things live down so deep in the heart, that to share them is to blaspheme them." Kalasin fumbled under the familiar gaze. Buri's expression of sympathetic curiosity did not change. The younger woman turned away. "When a thing hurts that bad, there are no words." Kalasin finally said. The empress was standing alone, back to the person who had been the first to hold her after her birth. "No words to explain it, no words to comfort it, no words to fill it or fix it or make it hurt less. No words at all." She covered her face, and her shoulders began to shake.

Buri stood, and crossed the room in order to gather the tearful empress into her strong motherly embrace. She cuddled the girl and wished desperately that she could ease Kalasin's pain. Thayet would've known what to say to her daughter, but Buri did not. So she settled for actions that were louder than words, the strong familiar embrace and the dabbing of tears with a handkerchief. "I'm sorry." Buri finally said. "I should've waited to ask you about it."

"Are you going to tell Mother?" Kalasin squeaked.

"She would have words for you." Buri said. "She lost a baby too, you know." Kalasin made a disbelieving noise. Buri nodded in confirmation. "Between you and Liam."

Kalasin blinked. "I didn't know." She whispered.

"Thayet didn't want people to know." Buri explained gently. "The hurt went too deep for her to put it in words."

"After...you know, after it happened I didn't want to live. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't care about how I looked or the state of the nation. All I could think about was this huge empty place inside me." Kalasin was ashamed as she said it. "Kaddar was so good to me. He helped me to go on."

Buri nodded, tucking the information away for later.

Kalasin made a sigh that was actually a deep breath to control her turbulent emotion. "He showed me that he cared too, but he also made me see that the country still needed us." Convulsively, Kally touched her belly. "I thought I had learned how to live with the loss, but then I got pregnant again and I am so afraid. When I am a mother, will I be able to give my child any kind of life, any kind of love, or will I be too tangled up in being afraid for his life?"

"Your mother had the same fears, and all six of you turned out rather nicely." Buri sighed. "I guarded your body, and your brothers and sisters. I watched your minds and souls grow, but I don't have answers for you. Right now, you need a warm drink, and then you need your bed."

Kally made a hysterical sound and sat on the velvet vanity bench. "Good luck finding anything soothing around here. Everything's spiced so it's hotter than the marketplace at midday."

"Well, that we can fix." Buri said. "Lianne has a full skin of that juice you used to like."

"Don't wake her." Kalasin protested. "She's had a long day today and tomorrow's set to be a nightmare."

Buri looked exasperated. "You never think that sometimes people like to be troubled on your account? That it lets us show how we love you?"

Kalasin shook her head. "The baby just has me a little crazy. I feel everything so much, so strong, and all day I hold it in and I am regal and serene and I make choices and everyone knows that I'm right because I'm the empress, but in the darkest hour of the night I don't know if I'm right, I don't know if I'm making any difference at all and it's so hard to see. But it does help to have someone to talk to." She tried to temper the hopelessness of her words by gentling it.

Buri was not amused. "No one can answer those questions for you." She admitted. "But talk to your husband. Maybe he'd like to hear that you're not quite as perfect as you seem. Maybe he's not always as sure of himself as he likes to seem."

Kalasin nodded. "Thank you, Buri." She raised her eyes to meet Buri's steady gaze. "I know I seem like I'm a mess, but I am so happy to see you."

"And I you, little one." Buri came closer, and pressed a kiss to the top of Kalasin's head. "Sleep, and in the morning this may seem like a nasty dream."

The women left Kalasin's boudoir to enter the main room of her suite, where the empress had met with her sister earlier that day. "In the morning, then." Kalasin bid her surrogate mother farewell and sought the comfort of her bed.

Are there any suggestions for a name for the baby?

Lady Silveramord: Wow! Thank you for your generous and gracious reviews. I'm thrilled that you like my story so much, and that you're continuing to read it. Your suggestions have given me plenty of ideas for the rest of the story—never fear, I will continue, though it may take longer than I'd like. Real life unfortunately interferes with writing fan fiction, but I will try to update more frequently. Thanks for liking the characters and caring about their dilemmas, and thank you for reading!

Merit Somnia: Thanks for your feedback! I'm pleased that you think the story is realistic. Thank you for saying that it's different than other stories. I'm always thrilled to hear that I'm original. Thanks for reading.

Now, to anyone else: thanks for reading!