AUTHOR'S NOTES: Evuljenius, this one's for you. I tell you, it wasn't easy trying to fit in all those quotes!
REVIEWS REPLY DEPT.:
Kurushimeru: You don't know who Freddy Krueger is? How do you get through Halloween?
Cascading Fates: The "Z word" is "zombie." It's a quote from Shaun of the Dead, where they parody George Romero never referring to the undead as zombies in his "Dead" films. (Maybe I'll throw in Shaun of the Dead in here somewhere...anybody want to see Kagura hit by a cricket bat?)
KhaosFire-Katana: Yes, I'm reposting the three little ficlette parodies I wrote last year, including the first one ("Death Takes a Rain Check") and the third one ("The Z Word"). There's only one more left from last year (the parody of The Ring/Ringu), and I'm saving that for a rainy day when I don't feel like writing. The other ten I've written or will write to complete the 13 Days will be brand spankin' new. Not too many people got to see the parodies last year, and they fit in well with the concept of this fanfic collection.
Hawker-748: As always, nice to hear from you. No, no girl comes out of my monitor if I miss an update. Unless it's Faye Valentine. Then she can stay. No plans to do anything from Alien (fitting the Inu-tachi to Army of Darkness was tough enough; I'm not putting them on a spaceship!), but The Exorcist? Yeah, probably. Though in Inuyasha's world, demon possession usually means some wolf youkai claiming you as his own and carting you back to his cave.
And thanks to everybody else who reads and reviews my stuff. You make my day. Enjoy!
EVIL DEAD/ARMY OF DARKNESS
Inuyasha had had enough.
He was tired of the villagers trying to shoot him every time he came close to the Shikon no Tama's shrine. He was tired of having to listen to their insults of "foul hanyou." He was tired of the little kids, like Kikyo's little sister Kaede, throwing vegetables at him when all he wanted was to visit her sister or get something to eat. He was tired of hearing the mothers of the village talk about "Inuyasha's Forest" and how he would eat the misbehaving children of the village. He didn't like kids, boiled or otherwise.
But most of all, Inuyasha was tired of Kikyo. The shrine maiden was jaw-dropping gorgeous, and seemed so full of life. When she wanted to be, she could be sweet, loving, and gentle–just the thing to drive young hanyou like himself up a wall. However, when the mood was on her, Kikyo could be mean, vindictive, and just plain onery. Pinning him to trees with arrows through his hakama was bad enough, but trying to shoot him in the heart, just because he put his arm around her? That was too much. By all the kami of Japan, Inuyasha thought, he could only take so much crap before he lost it. He had done this before–tore through Kikyo's village bent on wreaking havoc–but usually he was driven off by farmers with various rice threshers and tools, or worse, by Kikyo and her arrows. This time was going to be different.
Inuyasha stomped towards the village, not caring that it had just rained and that the mud was squishing between his toes. The more he thought about Kikyo, the angrier he got. How about that time he had written her a poem, only to have her criticize it for its bad diction? He was a half-demon, in the name of Buddha! It wasn't like he could go to school like other children. Or that time that he had just been minding his own business, and just accidentally happened to see Kikyo naked while she bathed in the hot spring? He could understand her being upset and calling him a pervert, but her attempts to castrate him with arrow fire was going a little far.
Well, he wouldn't have to worry about that anymore, because Inuyasha had finally learned an important lesson: there were other fish in the sea, and if the miko tease was going to play hard-to-get, then that was her problem. Inuyasha stormed into the village. As he had expected, the villagers reacted to his appearance first with shock, then with anger. He heard the epithets, the name-calling, and even had to dodge the odd turnip. He didn't let it bother him. He had bigger miko to fry.
Sure enough, as he neared the shrine of the Shikon no Tama, she was there, waiting for him in the small clearing before the shrine's entrance. Kikyo stood tall in all her pure glory, her bow raised, arrow nocked and pointed right between his eyes. "Leave, Inuyasha!" she commanded in her haughty voice. "You are not welcome here!" The villagers surrounded the clearing and added their murmurs and insults.
"Huh. Because I'm not pure enough for you, Kikyo, is that it?" he shouted.
"Think what you will, but you will leave or die!" she yelled back.
He stopped well within arrow range and put his hands on his hips. "Take your best shot, wench!"
Her lips curling in a snarl of rage, Kikyo did so, letting fly with an arrow aimed right for his heart, the barb humming and glowing with miko magic. Inuyasha waited a half-second, then reached down to the sword at his waist. He drew it: the sword was a rusty antique for a moment, then exploded into its true form, a giant blade nearly as big as he was. In one smooth motion, Inuyasha cut her arrow in half with a thunderous crack. The pieces of the arrow rained harmlessly to the ground.
Kikyo took a step backwards. "What–what–" she stammered. He spun the sword one-handed, smirking at her, daring her to shoot again with his eyes. In pure shock, Kikyo dropped to her knees. "Where did you—how did you–"
Inuyasha grinned wickedly, exposing his fangs. He spun around, leveling the sword at the villagers, who fell back. "All right. Who wants to be next, huh? Who wants some?" He saw Kaede, clutching at the skirt of one of the village elders. "You want some more? HUH!" She shook her head rapidly and hid behind the elder. Inuyasha snorted. That was one person who would never smash a tomato on his head again. He waved the sword around more. "All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up. You see this? This...is my BOOMSTICK!" He shook the sword at the crowd, as if he was about to wade into them and start chopping. 'Boomstick' wasn't an exact translation of Tetsusaiga, but it worked for him, and Inuyasha was pretty sure that the villagers were too dumb to realize it. They were probably born in barns, too.
He decided to explain it to them. "It's real name is Tetsusaiga, the sword of my father, the great Inutaisho. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Totosai's Cave. It goes for about forty thousand koban, I guess." The villagers pressed closer, curious now, looking at their reflections in the sword. "You can't find a sword like this anywhere. Even if you shop smart and shop Sesshoumaru's Mart. You GOT THAT!" He shook Tetsusaiga at them again, and they drew back, all of them nodding in panicked agreement. Clearly, they had no idea what he was talking about, but they weren't about to disagree with him either. Inuyasha grinned wider. Yeah. This was more like it. He was right, too: not even his half-brother Sesshoumaru had a sword like Tetsusaiga.
"Now I swear...the next one of you primates...even touches me..." Inuyasha suddenly whirled around, the sword coming within a hairsbreadth of decapitating Kikyo, who had been walking towards him. "Yo, she-bitch. Let's go."
"I'm sorry, Inuyasha," she said. Her bow was on the ground behind her. She bowed to him deeply. "I'm just a foolish woman...I didn't realize where my loyalties should lie. I was confused by my love."
Inuyasha snorted. "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me." He contemptously didn't return the bow. He spit to one side contemptously. "Blow."
"You found me beautiful once," Kikyo persisted.
"Honey, you got real ugly. That's what we call pillow talk, baby. That's all." He turned his back on Kikyo, sheathed Tetsusaiga, and walked out of the village, the peasants bowing to him. As he reached the far side of the village, a girl who looked very much like Kikyo ran up to him. Unlike Kikyo, she was dressed in a strange uniform of the future, with a green neckerchief and white blouse that ended above her navel. Her green skirt was short. Very very short. Groovy, Inuyasha thought.
"Oh, Inuyasha," Kagome gushed, her eyes starry.
Inuyasha took her in his arms and bent over her, staring down at her lovely face. "Gimme some sugar, baby." And she did.
Sango looked down at Inuyasha's sleeping form. The hanyou was smiling and occasionally chortling like a hyena youkai. A sadistic hyena youkai. "I don't know, Miroku. I know he's supposed to go fetch Kagome from her time, but he looks so happy. I don't want to disturb him."
"Nor do I," Miroku replied. Inuyasha murmured something in his sleep, causing Miroku to raise an eyebrow. "What do you suppose he means by 'hail to the king'?"