Blood On My Hands
By Flying Star
Disclaimer: Trying to find the rights is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. In other words I don't own Code Lyoko. Antefilms and Moonscoop do.
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Italics: Emphasis
Bold: Big emphasis
" " : Talking
' ' : Thoughts
1 : Section Breaks
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So, here's the second part, which is the conclusion of my story. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.
A very strange continuation, but he kept prodding me, telling me he wanted his say in the matter. After much ribbing, I finally gave in.
In this second part, months have passed since a XANA possessed Jeremie killed Odd. And as Jeremie sits in his room, which he frequents often since that horrible day, he receives a visitor.
One he never expected to see...
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Part two: Forgiveness
I must be going mad.
That's the only logical explanation for how he could be standing over me, grinning at me like some crazed cheshire cat.
Odd, my friend.
My deceased friend.
I stared back for a moment, before looking away, running every possible explanation through my head. Only to reach the proverbial mental block as I drew my eyes back up.
Yes, he was still there, staring at me, like he expected me to say something. His silence was disturbing and strange, especially considering his exuberent personality.
Gah! What am I thinking! He's dead! He can't be standing in this room when he's dead! I decided to corrected this visual oversight.
I sat up, giving him a look of pure skepticism. " You're dead."
" Of course I am." He said it so simply, so matter-of-factly. As if he was surprised that I didn't notice.
" You can't be here."
He took a step back, if one such as he could, and smirked. " It wasn't easy finding you, you know?"
" What?" This conversation was growing more and more confusing by the second.
" Finding you." he repeated. " You're a pretty tough guy to find."
I glanced over toward the door, absentmindedly replying. " I haven't left this room in awhile." Then mentally shook myself. I'm arguing with a hallucination, great. Funny farm, here I come.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw his head tilt to the side as he answered. " Not physically, mentally. You had to want me to come. Otherwise, I couldn't penetrate the veil seperating the living from the dead." He smiled as I turned back to face him. " And I don't mean want as in you just wanted to see me, I mean as in you needed me to be here for a reason."
" You're not real."
" Oh, I'm real." Odd bent down, then reached out, his hand flowing through my arm as if it wasn't there. He then withdrew the appendage, standing up slowly as I held the spot on my arm. " Not in a metaphysical sense, mind you. You can best describe me as a spirit, a ghost if you will. The essence of Odd."
I rubbed the area, his touch leaving no sensation at the point of contact. " All the more reason for me to believe you're not real."
Odd shook his head, sighing. " Stubborn, as always. Well if you really don't want to talk, I'll just enjoy the little bit of time I can have here, before I have to return." He suddenly turned away from me, walking toward the door as he said. " I should check up on the others actually."
" I killed you." I wasn't in the mood for games, no matter how twisted the hallucination was.
Apparently, neither was Odd.
He stopped in his tracks, turning around to face me, his gaze serious. " Jeremie, stop it."
His tone of voice was so unlike him, so demanding and serious that it took me by surprise.
He continued. " You can't keep blaming yourself for something you didn't do."
" But I did!" I couldn't help blurting out, watching him shake his head in agitation.
" You didn't kill me, XANA did."
" Using my body!" I protested,
" Your body, Yumi's body, Sissi's body, it doesn't matter whose body it used. The end result would've been the same, believe me I know. The bottom line is you didn't kill me."
" I can't atone for what I did." I responded quietly.
" Ah, now we're getting somewhere." Odd walked over to the edge of my bed. " Makes it easier, doesn't it?" he said quietly. " To pretend, believe there's nothing you can do. Our friends..."
" My friends hate me!" I snapped back angrily, resting my head on my hands. " They can't stand being around me!"
" That's your excuse!"
My head shot up in surprise. " But..."
" No buts..." Odd stressed. " You're lying to me, and to yourself. You're the one who keeps pushing them away, forcing Aelita away."
" And how do you know that!" I snarled. How dare he accuse me! I would never push Aelita away!
And suddenly he was on his knees, glaring in my face before I could even react. The fury on his face only rivaled by the fear I felt at that moment.
" Because I was there! I've watched them struggled just to survive! I've watched them nearly sacrifice their lives to protect Aelita from XANA numerous times since that day! I've watched Aelita nearly lose her memories and her life more than once!" His eyes seemed to glow with an inner light, adding emphasis to his words. " And all the while you've sat and moped, hiding from them, not lifting a finger to help! You're the worst kind of coward!" By now Odd was 'breathing' heavily, literally shaking with anger.
I, for my part, was too stunned to even utter a reply.
After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, Odd stood up, pacing the room. And though visibly calmer, his eyes still glowed softly as he continued. " I'm surprised at you, Jeremie. You've become so cold, distant. Continually shunning your friends to live in your self-imposed pity. So hard-hearted that you've buried your kind nature beneath a wall of loathing."
" I'm sorry." For some reason the thought of apologizing to a figment of my imagination didn't seem as crazy as it had five minutes ago.
" I know, and that's why I'm here."
" I- I didn't mean to, I..."
" It's okay."
" No!" I glared at him in frustration. " It's not okay! I just, don't know how to feel anymore." My last words were spoken in a whisper as I clenched my fists. How could something that wasn't even real, be able to make me feel this way?
" You're angry at youself. You hate yourself for letting XANA take you over. You hate that you let your guard down." Odd walked closer, leaning over. " You feel like you let me down. But in truth the situation was out of your hands from the very beginning."
' Hands.' I looked down, staring at my palms. The burns from months prior had not healed well, leaving nasty scars crisscrossing the still tender flesh.
" I'm sorry." I drew my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on them as I stared sullenly at the 'person' before me.
Odd smirked again, his transparent form undisturbing the bedspread as he sat down next to me.
" You seem to be implying that alot." His gaze went to my hands. " Scars that run deep, are harder to heal." His eyes returned to mine. " You still don't believe I'm really here, do you?" He didn't look particulary sad, just disappointed.
" I base my observations on reason, logic. You're dead, so logically you can't be here."
" Is XANA's existence based entirely on logic, " His voice grew slightly pained. " is Aelita's?"
I opened my mouth to protest, and shut it with an audible snap.
He was right. If over a year ago someone had told me they'd managed to make a girl of pixels and data, into a being of flesh and blood, I would've scoffed in their face.
But, having accomplished the task myself, I had no room to argue.
" Not everything can be explained through logic, Jeremie." Odd remarked quietly, staring into my eyes. It almost felt like he was looking directly into my soul. " You want me to be a product of your mind, but I'm not, I'm your friend. And as your friend, I want you to peel away the crimson stained shades covering your eyes, and see that it's NOT your fault."
And as he finished, backing away enough for me to see his entire profile, for some odd, inexplicable reason, I knew what he said was true. That somehow, someway, he had come back to see me, just for a little while, to help me. I couldn't explain, didn't want to explain it. And as the realization hit me, I felt a long forgotten emotion well up, overwhelming me.
And I finally did something I hadn't done since he'd passed on.
I cried.
And as I did so I felt something wrap around me, both comforting and soothing, prompting me to look up.
Odd was hugging me, his form just solid enough to allow him to make actual contact with my skin.
I didn't question it, didn't try to reason how someone without a corporal form could actually be able touch me, let alone hug me. I didn't care about logic at the moment, or sanity, or anything else.
I just cried.
All the pain, guilt, anger, and hurt, pouring out as I wept for my lost friend. Months of bottled up emotions finally breaking free, mixing with the tears falling down my face.
" It's okay, Jeremie, it's okay." I heard Odd say soothingly as I held onto his shoulders, crying softly. " Just let it all out. You've held your emotions in for far too long. And that's why I'm here, to help you let you." After a few moments, he drew back, looking me in the face again. " Promise me you'll help your friends. They need you more than you think."
I nodded, tears still sliding down my cheeks. " Odd, what's it like, up there?"
He looked thoughtful. " It's everything and more, impossible to explain, unimaginable to comprehend, infinite in it's complexity."
" Will I see you again?" I could see the answer on his face even before he said it.
He sighed. " I'm dead, nothing can change that." His form suddenly flickered. " Ah, it seems my time has run out. I have to leave."
" No, please." I pleaded, trying to grab his arm, but only hitting air as it passed through his fading form. " Do you really have to go?"
His face was silouetted against the darkening sky, his features becoming further transparent. " You don't need me anymore, Jeremie. My task is complete. I was sent here to help you get over your guilt, to release you from it. But don't worry, even though I won't be here, I'll still be watching over you, all of you." He smiled mischieviously. " Oh, and you better start getting those grades up, you don't want them to fall to my level."
"But..." I looked up into his fading profile. " I don't think I can let go."
" Some guilt will always remain, Jeremie. But it doesn't have to rule you. I've started you on the path toward healing, the rest is up to you." The smile faded away as his form became almost impossible to see. " I don't blame you for anything, Jeremie. It's the risks taken for protecting our friends, remember that. But I think now it's time you get some rest."
As the last traces of his body left my sight, I felt an overwhelming wave of exhaustion creep over me, darkness claiming me moments later.
1
" Jeremie?"
My head jerked up, banging into the wall behind me as I fumbled for my glasses.
When had I taken them off?
Putting them on, I recognized Aelita's worried face staring down at me.
" A-aelita?" I mumbled, still not completely in control of my facilities as I rubbed the back of my head.
" I was walking by your room, and I thought I heard crying. And your door was unlocked..." She trailed off, fumbling with the hem of her nightgown.
I reached up, feeling a little bit of moisture on my cheeks as I looked about the room. Besides Aelita and myself, there was no one else occupying my room.
" I'm really sorry for intruding, Jeremie..."
I grabbed her arm without thinking, turning my gaze to her. " No Aelita. I'm the one who should be apologizing, not you. I've been ignoring you, and my friends..." I sighed. There was no indication anywhere of his presence, maybe it was all just a dream.
And then, a bit of movement, just over Aelita's shoulder. I craned my neck, squinting to see what had caught my eye.
And there he was, his image faint but visible from my position.
Odd, waving at me from my computer screen.
As he saw me, he grinned, flashing a victory symbol with his other hand, before fading away completely.
So, it had been real.
" Jeremie?"
I turned back to Aelita. " It's okay." I stood up, grasping her hand lightly. " I think what I needed, was a wake up call to help me see that my friends need me, that you need me." I looked into her eyes hesitantly, asking quietly. " I know I have a lot of apologizing to do, but will you let me help?"
She nodded, looking relieved." We've been needing your help for quite some time."
" Then, if you could, could you let Ulrich and Yumi know that I'll meet all of you in the cafeteria tommorrow?"
Again she nodded. " Do you want me to tell them now?"
I shook my head. " No, it's late, and I think it's best we both get some sleep. I'll talk to you in the morning okay?"
" In the morning." She acknowledged, heading for the door. As the door began to shut she peeked her head back in, whispering, " It's good to have you back, Jeremie."
As the door finished closing, I let a small smile crease my face, something I hadn't done in so long. " It's good to be back." I whispered.
Yes, though the guilt will always linger, I feel like I can live again, taking my first steps toward recovery.
Thank you, Odd.
The End.
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Tragic to semi-angsty. At least Jeremie was mostly able to let go. Though I think the pain will still last for a long time. It was strange writing for Odd like that, but I certainly enjoyed writing his conversation with Jeremie. Odd never was one to just let things go, even in death it seems. Will Jeremie ever shake away all the guilt? Mostly likely not, but at least he's beginning to heal.
Anyway, as always, if you read, please review. I like people's thoughts.