Existing Outside Myself
By: Shattered Hourglass
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh.
Have you even wondered about insanity? Like, what is it? What causes it? Why does it happen? How? What is it like? Are there different kinds of insanity?
What is insanity really? Is it having thoughts not expected or liked by the masses? Is it cruel gestures or wild laughter in which few find humor? Is it thinking differently or not having thought at all?
And, what causes this insanity? Is it a disease one catches, or something they are born with? Is it in one's mind… or maybe their blood? Can you go insane by being alone in the dark? Maybe by being hurt so many times you hide inside yourself to get away from the pain?
Why does it have to happen? Is it an escape? Is it something that will protect you for a little while, or never let you go? A dream where you are safe and happy? Or do you never go insane, but simply are insane?
How? How is someone insane? By the why they act? What they do? Because they do not meet what is expected of them? Are they insane because they scare you?
What is it like? To be insane I mean? What is it like to be so blissfully unaware of anything and just exist inside yourself? Your own little world where everything makes sense to you, but no one is allowed to enter? Is it nice, to be in a place where only you belong, when you don't belong anywhere else?
Is all this just one kind of insanity? Are there others? I think so. I think I'm in my own little insanity; one where everyone belongs except for me. My insanity is filled with people. There are so many different people. Some are loud, some are quiet, some happy, some sad, some do what is expected, some don't. But, I can't escape. No matter how hard or how long I try, I can't find a place just for me to be alone. Not even inside myself because even there, I am not alone! A place just for me can't be inside of me, because inside of me is the place for someone else. That someone else has to be inside of me, because he can not be outside of me. Sometimes though, he pushes me inside while he goes outside. So he exists on the outside and I exist on the inside for a little while. But most of the time, I exist on the outside.
No one notices me when I'm on the outside. They only notice me when he's on the outside. But then, I'm not me. He's me. So, they never notice me.
Some people might say that he's the insane one. That he exists in his own little world where hurting people and killing people and defeating people and destroying people isn't only allowed, it's expected! But he isn't in his own world. He is in their world where all these things are bad. He knows that they are bad but he doesn't care and does them anyway.
He tries to make me do bad things too. But I don't want to do bad things because that's not what is expected of me. I'm expected to be quiet and understanding and soft spoken and innocent and pretty and nice and not get in the way. I'm expected to do good things. He doesn't care what's expected of me; like how he doesn't care what's expected of him. He gets mad when I won't do bad things. He makes me go inside so he can do bad things on the outside.
Even though he does bad things that aren't expected of him, I think they like him better. I don't know why though. I do good things. I do what's expected of me. But they don't like me. They don't acknowledge me. They say hi, or smile, but nothing else. So even when I'm with them, I'm alone. Because if you don't talk to someone or acknowledge them, it's like they aren't there. And if they aren't there, they don't exist. But then I shouldn't exist because they don't talk to me, but I do exist because he talks to me, even when they don't, even though he says bad and mean things. But that doesn't matter because I'm not with them often. When we are together, he is with them and they talk to him so he exists. He doesn't need me to talk to him to prove he exists because they talk to him. And when he talks to them he doesn't talk to me so for a little while I stop existing.
So I wonder if I'm insane when I don't exist. When I don't exist, nothing is expected of me. And if nothing is expected of me I can't be good or bad. So I can't exist if I'm not good or bad because everything is good or bad, black or white, or hikari or yami. And there is no not good but not bad, gray, or shadow. They don't exist.
And if I'm not insane, is everyone else insane? Do they all have places where they exist alone inside themselves, where everything makes sense and nothing is expected and nothing is dangerous? When they exist inside themselves are they still there because nothing is expected?
So, if I'm insane, my insanity is different than others. It's different because they don't notice. They say you can't hide insanity and that people can tell if someone's insane or not by talking to them. And even though people don't talk to me often, they talk to me sometimes, only sometimes; they haven't noticed I'm insane if I am insane.
Am I insane then? Are they insane? Is he insane? I don't know. All I know is that if I'm insane then my insanity is different. It's different because everyone exists in my insanity, because I do what is expected of me in my insanity, because I am good in my insanity.
…
He wants me to do bad things again, but I don't want to. I don't want to do bad things, even if I exist when I do bad things because they notice me when I do bad things. But I am not expected to do bad things. I am expected to do good things so I will do good things because that is what I'm expected to do.
I'm tired now. I want to stop, but I don't know what I want to stop doing. I don't know if I want to stop being insane or existing or doing what's expected of me. I don't know if I want to stop hiding my insanity so others will notice, so they will notice, if I am insane? Am I insane? Because you exist inside yourself when you are insane and I exist outside myself. Maybe they are all insane and I exist inside them, in their world.
Oh! Here's come one of them now! I must do what's expected now. I must smile and be happy and be quiet and be good and be pretty and smile and sit there being good like they expect me to because if I don't then I will be bad and I'm not bad, he's bad. I'm good. If I'm not good and he's bad then I'm nothing and then I won't exist.
And the one of them comes closer! He smiles and acknowledges me! I exist! I'm being good and doing what is expected of me and I exist! Even if I exist on the outside and not the inside I exist with others and not by myself so I'm not insane because I exist on the outside!
:-:-:-:-:
"Hello Ryou."
"Hello Yami. How are you?"
"Fine. Is the tomb raider giving you any trouble?"
"No, he hasn't."
"That's good. I'll see you later Ryou."
"Bye Yami."
:-:-:-:-:
I'm by myself again and I'm not existing anymore because one of them leaves and I am alone, except for him but he never leaves unless he is on the outside and I am on the inside when I am alone but I am on the outside so I am not alone.
What is insanity? What causes it? Why does it happen? How does it happen? What is insanity like? How many kinds of insanity are there?
I think I am in another kind of insanity where I am alone except for him even when others are all around and I don't exist inside myself because I can't exist inside myself because I am acknowledged sometimes by them and then I exist so I can't be inside of me by myself so I am not insane because I am not alone.
So, even though it feels like I'm alone, I'm not because he is always with me and they are sometimes around me and if they aren't a lot of other people I don't know and do know are around me.
And I can't cry or be sad even though I want to because they don't acknowledge me because that is not what is expected of me and I need to do what is expected of me or I won't be acknowledged.
And I can't make myself stop existing because he will be mad and I can't make myself stop existing because I don't know how I exist except that I need to be acknowledged by others and if I don't know how I exist then I don't know how to stop my existence even though if I take one of the sharp, cold things that he has and make it so that my red, liquid existence leaves me many will think I will stop to exist.
And if I don't exist, how can I be insane?