AN: I originaly wrote this piece in French, but due to the sickening number of Mary Sue polluting the Naruto fandom, I thought it my duty to translate it and let a wider variety of readers enjoy some Mary Sue bashing.
What is a Mary Sue? Mary Sue are females inserted in a fandom so that the author (generaly female) can relate to said character and better imagine herself being a kickass ninja and conquering the heart of every male character. She is usually so beautiful it hurts the eye, more powerful than any god that exists, shy and gentle and cute with everyone, makes the evil, twisted and psychopath characters become nice little lambs that only want to be forgiven, etc. Usually, people don't really like reading about someone else's sick dream or fantasy, which are Mary Sues. Keep it in your head folks, and everybody will be happier!
Summary: Naruto, like every great anime and manga, sees itself invaded with Mary Sues. Fortunately, a town of ninjas has its ways to deal with them.
Kakashi being my favorite bishonen from Naruto, he's going to be the one targeted by the evil Mary Sue! Will he resist or succomb? Read and find out!
Warnings: Yaoi. If you don't know what it is, go back. Light lemon for implied and blatant contents. Utter silliness. Don't come whinning to me about it later, you've been warned. If you dislike that stuff, there's the door. Oh, and expect major inaccuracies with the anime, such as a local motel. But hey, it's a Mary Sue, everything's possible, right?
For plot reasons, this piece will take place when Orochimaru's arms are still injured.
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A Mary Sue! Run!
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The young woman stopped at the forest's edge, leaning lazily against a humongous tree trunk and admiring the hidden village displayed at her feet. Konoha, famous for its strong, mysterious and, more importantly, amazingly beautiful ninjas that no other from any village could compare with. It would be the perfect place to start her manhunt. Chuckling to herself, she disappeared, not even leaving a puff of smoke behind her. Ninjas of her quality did not do such things.
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Kakashi stretched languorously against the sun-baked roof tiles and leaned back, propping an arm behind his head as a pillow and basking in the sun like a cat taking a nap on a windowsill. Flipping Icha Icha Paradise before his eyes, he prepared himself for a much deserved reading session, peaceful and, thankfully, Genin-free. Unfortunately, he hadn't even read one page that he noticed someone's presence intruding on his personal space. Lowering his book, he looked at the girl that had disturbed him and frowned almost instantly.
The girl's face was innocence and cuteness become human; a newborn would have seemed a monster compared to her, yet her posture cried of arrogance, clashing with her facial expression, and she seemed utterly satisfied with herself, whatever the reason. Her, -was that purple?- eyes looked slightly startled but her generous lips were pursed with impatience. All in all, Kakashi had rarely seen such conflictual body language.
"Hello," she ushered shyly and kneeled beside Kakashi, playing with a lock of her shocking red hair. The color contrasted horribly with her eyes and only accentuated the false highlights of her clearly dyed hair. What's more, she was much too tanned for a redhead, even one who had spent weeks in the sun.
"Hey," politely answered Kakashi, forcing himself up on his elbows. What had he gotten himself into this time? The girl bit on her lips as if embarassed and lowered her eyes.
"I've just arrived, and I don't really know where to go…," she muttered, blushing slightly.
Kakashi sighed heavily and tried not to look too exasperated. If he didn't where all this was leading him, he was Hokage.
"The guards didn't take you to the Hokage?" he asked wearily and stood up.
A sort of victorious glimmer shone momentarily in her eyes before being snuffed out by excessive innocence.
"Guards? What guards? I haven't seen any," she said innocently, batting her eyelashes confusedly at him. Kakashi sweatdropped generously.
"I'll take you to her then," he declared with profound annoyance at putting his book away. Such a nice day, his first and only vacation for months, and it had to be ruined by…that thing.
"The Hokage is a woman!" The girl suddenly cried out, any trace of innocence gone and replaced by suspicion. Kakashi stared at her intently, hiding his surprise. The girl blushed under the scrutiny and munched at her lips again.
"Well, no, it's only that, the last I heard, the Hokage was an old man," she explained quickly but in no convincing manner.
"Things change," Kakashi replied blankly with a resigned shrug. "Come on, I have other things to do."
The girl nodded enthusiasticaly and fell in step behind the jounin, shooting a victorious grin at his back.
They reached Tsunade's office quickly and Kakashi did not waste his time with formalities as he burst in her office. Good thing Tsunade didn't bother with having Anbu guards all the time, he wouldn't have liked forcing them out of his way. The Hokage jumped, startled at his desperate expression.
"Delivery, Hokage-sama," he said, stepping aside to allow the girl in. The redhead looked alternatively from Kakashi to Tsunade, her expression changing with each look. She finally settled for looking shy and intimidated, beating even Hinata in top shape.
"My name is Midori, nice to meet you," she introduced herself with a small bow.
Tsunade returned her greeting with a dismissive wave of her hand.
"I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got more important things to do. I'll arrange for you to have a place at the local motel."
Midori jumped as if receiving an electric shock and launched herself at Kakashi, glomping his arm against her generous bosom.
"Oh no! I'm much too shy, the people would scare me! Could I stay with Kakashi please? I feel safe with him," she pleaded with a ridiculously small voice, blushing brightly.
Tsunade smirked suddenly and her eyes bore into Midori's, who somehow managed to stare back without looking like it.
"You are pretty shy for a ninja who managed to pass the guards undetected," she pointed out and loomed over Midori with a predatory look.
The girl shrugged in what would be a modest manner. "Oh, that's nothing. I'm sure every ninja can do as much," she said with a wave of the hand, copying Tsunade's dismissive manners.
"Sure. Kakashi? You're babysitting. Now, you take good care of her!" Tsunade declared, barely stiffling a laugh at Kakashi's murdering expression. Turning her back on the two, she allowed herself a toothy, maniacal grin.
"Hokage-samaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa," he pleaded pitifully. "Please don't leave me with her," he whined. An exuberant Midori was already tugging him outside the room.
"Have fun!" Tsunade called back without turning to look.
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Midori hummed contently under the steamy shower water. Her plan was working perfectly. She had found the ideal man and it was only a manner of moments before he fell to her legendary charm. All thoughts of taking some time to evaluate the different preys of Konoha had fled from her mind the moment she had seen Kakashi stretch on the roof. She had found herself shifting to 'seducing mode' before she knew it. She had feared the Hokage would be a problem, but it had been clear after but a few minutes that she would not be able to do a thing against her.
Adjusting her dyed bangs so that they fell in a cute disheveled mass, she made sure that her towel was tightly molding her still humid body before stepping outside.
She stopped at Kakashi's doorstep and took a few moments to collect herself, constructing a mask of ultimate cuteness and innocence, before knocking.
She did not even wait for his answer before thrusting his door wide open. Light pooled from behind her, revealing her curvacious body and surrounding it like a halo.
"I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, but I forgot my pyjamas. Could I please borrow one?" she asked softly, knowing full well that the man would not resist more than a few seconds. She was aware of the effect that rosy cheeks and humid and hot skin had on men.
"Second drawer from the top," Kakashi answered, not even rising his eye from his Icha Icha Paradise.
Midori frowned not-so-prettily. Something was wrong. He should not have remained so unaffected! Not one to give up so easily, she headed for the dresser with her most seducing walk and leaned forward so that the towel just barely covered her and pretended to search for a pyjama. There was the sound of rustled sheets and she yelled victory inwardly.
"I'm going to sleep on the sofa. Good night," Kakashi deadpanned before closing the door to his room.
Midori was frozen with shock. That guy was not normal! No man had ever resisted her for so long! Blushing with rage, she threw herself on the bed with an angry groan, not even caring to put on some clothes and swearing to herself to make him crack before the end of the week.
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"Gimme 'nother one…"
"Kakashi! That's your tenth, you're going to kill yourself!" cried Iruka as he watched his friend swallow the Dragon Blood (1) in one shot.
"I wouldn' 'bject. I can' take it 'nymore, 'Ruka. She's drivin' me nuts. You don' know what she's doin' t'me," the jounin slurred, smacking the glass back on the counter with more force than was strictly necessary.
"If it's worse than last time, I don't want to know," Iruka replied, taking the glass away from Kakashi before he could do it any more damage and to distract him from ordering another one.
"I gotta get rid o' her. She's gonna kill me…"
Iruka stayed silent, thinking of how he was going to get that groupie off of Kakashi's back. Said jounin was very still as if in deep thought, but his breathing was too regular and measured for a man who was supposed to be knocked out by alcohol. Iruka knew it was because of the Dragon Blood; one shot of that drink could force the best drinker to sit still and concentrate everything he had on his breathing for a few minutes, less he vomit his guts out.
"I think I know how…" Kakashi suddenly stated, his voice hazy with alcohol. He turned his glazed eye on Iruka.
"Usualy, when you give me that look, I can expect the worse. And I don't think today's going to be an exception," Iruka mumbled.
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Midori stepped in Kakashi's place as if it were her own, aiming for the bedroom and whistling merrily. She had had a nice day, even if her prey had managed to escape her. And tonight would be a night to be remembered as The Night Kakashi Succumbed.
She stepped into the room full of determination and ready for drastic measures, but the scene displayed before her eyes froze her blood.
A man was sitting lovingly in Kakashi's lap and the two ninjas were kissing with overflowing passion. Kakashi had his hands in the chuunin's tunic and was working on removing it while the stranger played with his silver hair.
"Who, what, how, when…?" Midori managed to stutter, her face turning a beating red.
The two men graciously sacrificed a second of their time to explain themselves.
"This is Iruka," Kakashi introduced and resumed his kissing of Iruka's neck without another thought for the girl standing in the doorway. Having managed to rid the chuunin of his upper clothing despite their proximity, he hugged him fiercely, their body so tight together it would have been impossible to slip a piece of paper between them.
"Hi," Iruka slurred, his voice deep and rasping under Kakashi's caresses. Midori wisely spared herself the details and left the room in a flash, breathing heavily and her cheeks so hot they must be burning.
Oh my god he's gay I can't believe it I hadn't noticed I want to forget get this out of my head my-god-my-god-my-god!
A throaty moan followed by a stronger groan echoed past the door. Midori did not wait another second before fleeing the place altogether, even forgetting her things in her haste.
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"She's gone…" breathed Iruka. "Kakashi?" he added, noticing that the other was not stopping his caresses.
"There's no way I'm lettin' you go," the jounin mumbled. Having freed one hand, he was currently working at ridding Iruka of his pants.
"Kakashi! You're drunk! Stop it..." Iruka pleaded, his voice not too convincing. He had to admit that Kakashi's hands…He forced himself not to think any more on that line.
"No. And you're as wasted as I am," Kakashi answered and forced a not that unwilling Iruka to lie back.
"Kakashi…" Iruka moaned as a shudder ran up his spine. Kakashi's lips were just brushing on the sensible skin of his neck, tickling the flesh with his warm breath. His hands were running at his sides, moving slowly downwards on his hips. Iruka jumped, startled, when Kakashi bit him just between the neck and shoulder. That was one of his most sensible spot.
"So that's how it goes…" Iruka murmured threatheningly with a malicious smile. Grabbing at Kakashi's hair with one hand, he pushed him firmly on his back with the other.
"You've asked for it," he whispered huskily. That was Iruka's last coherent thought as he confortably straddled Kakashi's stomach.
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Iruka woke up the next morning with a formidable hangover. Blood played drums against his temples and his stomach was joining the beat with a sickening gurgle of protest. Iruka tried to sit up, moving slowly because of his headache doubling with every sudden movement, but was stopped by an arm slung over his chest.
He looked to the side and froze momentarily when he recognized Kakashi. The man was spread as wide as he could, his spread-eagled arms making the width of the bed. Iruka's fuzzy brain started working frantically despite its squeaky hinges. What was he doing at Kakashi's place, in his bed, naked! Well, he actually knew what he was doing, or what he had done, in Kakashi's bed, naked. The memories were foggy, but he could figure out enough of it. What he really wanted to know was how he had landed himself there.
Iruka started squirming, trying to move from under Kakashi's arm without waking him up.
"Stop your wriggling, I'm not contagious," Kakashi suddenly grumbled, sliding his arm off so bonelessly it looked like a squid slithering a tentacle away. Turning on his side, he shot Iruka a curious, lazy look. "It's not Midori? I thought she had given me another of her 'I made such a terrifying nightmare, do you mind if I sleep with you? I'd feel comforted.' Wearing a pyjama that doesn't deserve the name. What are you doing here?"
Iruka granted him with a poisonous glare.
"I actually think it's because of you that I'm here with a hangover worth beating my head against the walls 'till I drop senseless, so I'd appreciate an explanation."
Kakashi blinked owlishly and sat up slowly, his hand scratching his nape pensively.
"All that I can remember is drinking myself into forgetting that thing that's stalking me. Ah, and getting you drunk," he added with a low snicker. A very, very silent snicker. "I won't forget that soon, it was fun."
"Figures," Iruka muttered darkly. He fell into a brooding silence as some of the previous night's happenings managed to step out of the fog covering his brain. A frown steadily deepened on his brow as he remembered more and more, sitting up beside a just as silent Kakashi.
"I remember finding a way to get rid of Midori," Kakashi suddenly interrupted. His eye curved up into the usual smile, although this time it was accompanied by the actual mouth gesture. His mask was off, and so was his headband, but the Sharingan eye was closed and unmoving. "Judging from her shining absence and the pleasure of finding you naked in my arms, I think it worked," he concluded. Iruka shot him an exasperated look and shook his head a fraction.
"Stupid plan if I ever saw one. No wonder you had to get me drunk," Iruka bit back without that much force to his voice.
Kakashi held back a laugh, fully aware of the effects that would have on his brain after his abuse of Dragon Blood. He was already growing a pounding migraine, probably worse than what Iruka was whining about seeing as how he had drunk a few more glasses than the chuunin. However, his smile was more than enough to convey his mood.
"But you liked it, otherwise you wouldn't be here. Pity I don't quite remember it, it must have been great."
Iruka faked to hit him and instead pushed him just enough so that Kakashi tilted backwards and fell off the bed. The jounin tried holding himself up with the sheets but only succeeded in tangling his long limbs in them. The little undignified squawk he let out when he crashed on the floor was highly gratifying.
"Idiot. Got get us some painkillers," Iruka ordered, holding back a snide remark to Kakashi's position.
Said jounin eventually untangled himself from the sheets and got up, ignoring his state of undress.
"Too painful to get up?" he asked with a full-toothed grin. Iruka had a few nice bite marks that would be easy to identify if he ever died within the day, and Kakashi knew he probably was sporting just as many. But that wasn't what he was referring to. He had noticed how Iruka was sitting slightly to the side.
This time, it was a pillow Kakashi saw thrown at his bemused face, along with a string of curses and insults that would make a normal person's ears curl up. Fortunately, Kakashi was not a normal person and endured it all, although he couldn't stop grimacing at the effect Iruka's level of voice had on his abused brain. Well, considering how Iruka stopped short, he also was affected.
Kakashi hurried in his own lazy manner to the bathroom connected to his bedroom, throwing on boxers along the way. He came back with two glasses of water and a pack of painkillers only to find Iruka almost completely dressed.
He put the glasses down on his bedside table carefully, mindful of the slightest 'thump', and took a devastated expression.
"Aren't you going to take your shower with me?" he asked as if he was heartbroken, swallowing three pills and drinking the rest of the water.
"Don't push your luck, wiseasss," Iruka growled while tying his ponytail. It was even bushier than normal. "I have a class in less than an hour and there's no way I'm showing up in an uniform that reeks alcohol and sweat."
It was surprising how Iruka's language loosened up when he was alone with Kakashi. True, the jounin had the habit of constantly making him go crazy and Iruka had thus developed the reflexive habit of swearing more than was necessary, even when he wasn't angry. Kakashi's presence was the only thing necessary to make him drop his politeness a notch.
Kakashi shrugged, barely twitching his shoulders up. His offer was a joke, through and through, and Iruka knew it as well as him. What had happened that night hadn't meant anything special; it had only been due to the alcohol and his desperation to get Midori off his back. Of course, that didn't mean he wouldn't like doing it again, if with a clearer head, but he didn't want to establish such a relationship with his friend just yet. Especially if it wasn't serious.
Iruka gobbled the painkillers in a flash, thanked Kakashi and hurried out of the apartment. The jounin scratched his head and watched the door blankly for a bit before shaking his head and moving away. He still had three kids waiting for him to teach them how to walk…Glancing at the clock, Kakashi was glad to see that he was already an hour late on their meeting time, meaning he could afford another hour or two of sleep before having to show up.
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Midori was jumping from roof to roof, her mind a big jumbled mess. For the first time in her life, she hadn't managed to seduce a man. She had already met homosexuals, of course, and had always managed to get them to switch orientation, but she usually avoided them. Too risky. Kakashi had been an utter failure, and her ego was not appreciating it.
The sight of the village spread before her suddenly forced an idea in her head. Looking at it with new determination, she stopped to ponder her plan. If she couldn't seduce Kakashi, then she'd leave her mark as the heroine who had saved Konoha! She'd arrive on the scene just when the situation seemed desperate, making a moving speech about not being to stand still and watch the enemy kill the people she had come to love as family, would kill him thanks to an unstoppable technique (after getting tragically wounded, of course) or would make him repent, thus assuring her a bright future as The Saviour! Midori chuckled and rubbed her hands together. To Hell with Kakashi, she'd have every other male grovelling for the honour of being her teammate! Now, she only needed that tragedy, and her perfect plan would be set into motion.
A cloud of dust and debris suddenly rose up from the west part of town, accompanied with a deafening explosion sound. Midori would have cried if she weren't afraid of showing her face with puffy red eyes. Everything was helping her! She bolted forward hurriedly, taking a few moments beforehand to make sure she had the look of the heroine.
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Every available jounin and higher-ranking ninja could be found at the site of destruction. Orochimaru was standing on one of his snake's head while two others were eyeing the humans hungrily. The missing-nin was smirking despite his horrible injuries, his expression holding all of the hate and contempt a man could.
"Stop!"
Predictably, all the heads turned toward the source of the voice. A woman was standing on a wooden beam slightly higher than everything else, her red hair flowing gracefully with the wind and reflecting the sun like a halo. The assembled shinobi sighed as one.
"Who's that?" Orochimaru sneered with a frown, clearly annoyed by the woman's sudden appearance.
"I am Midori, and I will not let you harm the people of Konoha! I..!" she had to stop her moving speech mid-sentence as she dodged an attack from Orochimaru's snake.
"If you're against me, then you'll die like all of the others. Maru!" Orochimaru ordered, nodding his head towards Midori even though the snake couldn't technically see him. Still, Maru lunged forward, gaping mouth aiming straight at the girl.
The girl, beat red and shaking with rage at seeing her speech interrupted, didn't even see the attack before it was too late; the gigantic mouth snapped closed on her body with a snap. It was the last time Midori was ever seen.
Sighs of relief could be heard everywhere. At one side, Asuma lit himself a cigarette and raised it to Orochimaru's health.
"Wasn't that the groupie that wouldn't leave Kakashi alone one second since she got here?" he asked Anko who was standing beside him.
"Kakashi's going to be happy, he was at the end of his rope," she replied.
Said jounin appeared beside them with a puff of smoke, his curving eye shining brightly at Midori's pathetic death.
"Still, it's awkward. I owe Orochimaru one. And it's a big debt, too," he muttered darkly, although his mood did not change one bit.
Asuma shrugged dismissively and took a drag on his cigarette.
"So long as he doesn't know you do, don't bother," he replied while exhaling the smoke. "Worse comes to worse, hand over Sasuke to him, even though it's not quite enough compared to what he did for the whole village."
"Not a bad idea, I'll think about it," agreed Kakashi with a nod and laugh.
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And that's how Midori's story finished and was quickly forgotten. In his beaten up state, Orochimaru was easily defeated with the help of Tsunade, Jiraiya and a Naruto in his 'I'm using Kyuubi's chakra so don't cross my path or I'll kill you!' mode. Luckily for Sasuke, being quite dead, Orochimaru couldn't claim his debt to Kakashi. Everything returned to normal, and the world's Mary Sues wisely decided to leave Konoha alone.
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The End
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(1) Dragon Blood: It's a drink that does exist. I've seen people drink it and witnessed the effects; I'm not inventing anything about that. And Kakashi drank ten of them. Alright, so maybe him still being to stand after that is exaggeration.
Applause Congratulations! If you're reading this, it means you've managed to read my few pages of nonsensical humour. I truly appreciate it, and hope you'll leave me some feedback!
A-chan