I leaned the back of my head against the wall and lifted my eyes to the ceiling. I wished I knew how the socs had caught Ponyboy. Why hadn't he been able to run away? What was he thinking as those bastards trapped him underneath the chilly water. Why didn't he come home when he knew he and Johnny were in a heap of trouble? Pony knew Darry was the smartest one in the gang. Why did they have to go to Dallas Winston?
I turned down the hallway in dismay and wandered out the back door in my jeans and t-shirt. My stocking feet were cold as I passed through the cool grass and left out the back gate. On my way up the street I stared at Casey's old house. I remembered every moment of that nightmare as if it were happening in the present. I shook my head to change my thoughts and headed through the vacant lot. In the muddled confusion in my mind I had hoped to find my brother there, but he wasn't because he had chosen to listen to the advice of a convicted juvenile felon.
Many blocks later I arrived at the park where my brothers and I used to come and play when we were kids. As I walked toward the fountain I cracked a smile. I recalled how, on more than one occasion, Darry had picked Sodapop up and threw him into the fountain to the constant amusement of everyone in the gang. It always amused Sodapop too.
I stopped at the edge of the fountain. I could tell by the faint smell of bleach the fountain had been scrubbed clean and just recently refilled. I held my breath and peered into the fresh clear water fearing I would find Ponyboy's body sunk to the bottom, eyes open and glassy just as Bob's had been. Reality peered back at me and all that appeared was the crystal clear water. Slowly I reached my hand in to touch the liquid, it was cold, like death.
I stood in the park a long time. I wasn't mentally aware enough to feel the cold breeze passing across my skin as I recalled the memories I had. When we were younger my parents would go with us to play on the park equipment. My mom was always gentle and cautious but not dad. When it came to playing at the park he was constantly reckless and wild, like Sodapop.
One memory stood clear - when dad would spin the merry-go-round. Before the ride began he would make a park wide announcement and kids would flock to the metal toy to claim a spot. I always sat near the edge with my arms and legs wrapped around a bar for security. Dad would look down at Ponyboy and I to say "Scout and Pony, you two little ones be sure to hold on tight". With excited grins plastered to out faces we would increase our grip on the bars as the ride slowly began to spin. My dad would grab those bars in his strong hands and push them away again and again increasing the speed with every turn. I remembered how the force of the spin used to pull me to the edge of the metal platform and my hair and smile stretched away from my face. Life was simpler then when I lived for the spinning and self induced dizziness of the merry-go-round, but that was then – I didn't like spinning anymore.
I briefly sat on the edge of the metal merry-go-round then looked up to notice the sky had grown dark and not an ounce of light was left in the sky. The temperature was dropping quickly and I wanted to get home quickly. I pitter pattered down the dark streets and spooked myself when my mind heard the sound of the Pontiac GTO carrying a carload of socs. I looked behind me and nothing was there. I picked up the pace and could hear the sound of Duke Dobbin's voice begin to echo in my head. The torturing thoughts scared me so bad I took off in a fast run. My feet pounded on the pavement until I past through the front gate to my yard.
In the safety of my own yard I took a few moments to catch my breath and calm down. I knew it was late and against Darry's rules to miss dinner, but I didn't fear his anger as I past through the front door. Somehow I was able to suppress all emotions not directly connected with the extreme loss I felt without my favorite brother.
I walked in and eyed Darry and Soda who were sitting at the table getting ready to eat dinner. Soda grabbed a hold of Darry's arm to remind him to keep quiet. I didn't say anything as I walked through the living room and I sat to join them. I wasn't hungry at all but I figured Darry would only preach if I didn't eat something. I reached over and scooped up about a dozen peas for my plate. I noticed Darry and Sodapop exchange glances then Soda cleared his throat.
"Where'd ya head off to Scout?" Sodapop offered up a grin trying to pretend he was just wanting to start a friendly conversation. I scooped up a tablespoon of mashed potatoes and plopped the tiny portion on my plate. I didn't answer Soda's question so he continued. "Darry and I were worried about you."
I kept my focus on the food and away from the eyes of my brothers. Somewhere in the haze of my mind I did hear Soda's words, but I had no desire to speak, not to anyone, accept Ponyboy.
Soda persevered and drawled out another question. "I heard about your fight at school… Guess that soc had it comin', huh?"
I stabbed one pea with the prong of my fork and slipped it into my mouth. Gingerly I rolled it between my tongue and the roof of my mouth. After a few more seconds I placed it between my molars and squashed it flat. Instantly the taste of the vegetable filled my mouth and I found it hard to swallow, which was weird, because I liked peas.
"Oh come on Scout!" Soda whimpered from across the table. "What's the matter with you any how? Why won't you tell us about what happened today? Why aren't you speaking?" Sodapop leaned forward and looked at me. I didn't look back.
Darry looked over at Sodapop, who had failed to help, then Darry looked my way as a frown crowded his face and he pleaded. "Listen up Scout. We can't afford to be falling apart as a family! Not now. I know you are mad at me for yelling at Pony and all, hell I am mad at me too, but we gotta let it go. It was a mistake and if Ponyboy were here I'd tell him so." Darry looked over and saw me still staring at my plate, contemplating a small bite of mashed potatoes. "Scout you gotta snap out of this!"
In my mind there was nothing to snap out of, Ponyboy was gone and all I wanted was to disappear too. I wanted to be somewhere things didn't always hurt so much, somewhere safe and I remembered where that was. In my room, locked away from the harsh reality of the real world.
I wasn't hungry so I didn't see any need to stay at the table. I picked my plate up and took it to the kitchen. I scrapped the food from my plate into the garbage and began to run a sink full of dishwater. Although I wanted to get away I still realized it was my chore to do the dishes. I threw all of the pots and pans hastily into the hot soapy water. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Darry lean through the kitchen door. This time I looked at him as he pleaded with me, his eyes full of tears.
"Please Scout, you can't just shut us out! I know this is hard but you're tougher than this. All your life you've been a tough little kid." Darry wiped the first batch of tears from his eyes. "Please… listen I'm sorry I yelled at you about the fight at school. I know you wouldn't have done anything unless that boy did something first. All right? Will you please just tell me you're all right?"
I looked down at the soapy water and began to scrub the dishes. I don't think I consciously wanted to ignore my brother, but I did. I would have told him I was all right, if I had been.
Darry stood in the doorway and eyed me ignoring him for a few seconds and then his emotions let loose. The strong powerful man knocked the back of his head against the door jam, clenched his fists then slid his back down the wooden frame and bawled. "Oh God! What have I done… what have I done. I don't want Pony to be gone or dead. I can't lose him too. God please bring him home safe, please…."
Immediately Soda dove to the floor and comforted our brother. "Awe Darry… don't worry, everything's gonna be ok." Soda lied and he knew it because he began to bawl just as hard as Darry.
Darry cried out. "Soda I am so sorry about everything, about Ponyboy, Sandy and Scout…"
Hearing my name made me look down at my miserable siblings. I wondered why I was on Darry's sorry list. What had he done to me? Silently I watched the two of them holding each other and crying. Then as if I was pushed into it I felt the need to let them know somehow that I loved them and I didn't feel this way because of anything they had done. It was society I wanted to get away from, not them. Slowly I moved across the kitchen floor and knelt down. I threw my right arm around Sodapop's neck, my left arm around Darry's neck and gave a slight squeeze. Both of the boys grabbed me back and cried long and hard. I didn't cry I just held them and when they were done I finished my chore and headed off to bed, without a word.