Tuesday morning I woke up on my own and obediently readied myself for school. I wasn't very thankful to Darry for helping to remove my suspension, even though I should have been. I dressed in a skirt, sweater, bobby socks and my loafers which were now too small for my feet because I had grown over the summer. Quietly I wandered through the house and curled up in my mother's chair to wait for my ride to school.
"Hey Scout you're up early." Darry said as he noticed me from the kitchen doorway. He walked out to the living room and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Do you want something to eat?" Respectfully he waited for an answer, but didn't get one. "Still not talking?" I didn't look his way or say a thing so he wandered back to rouse Sodapop out of bed. I stayed in the chair and listened to my brother's work together in the kitchen making breakfast and getting dressed for work.
"Scout say anything to you this morning?" Soda asked as he peeked out the kitchen doorway at me.
"No." Darry frowned and pulled the carton of eggs out of the icebox, "did you get any sleep last night?"
"Yeah… well I mean a little, I was up thinking about everything most of the night." Soda spoke in a weary voice. "I've been thinking about writing a letter, well two letters actually."
"To who?" Darry asked as he pulled the hot pot of coffee off the stove and filled his cup.
"One to Sandy. I's kind of hoping maybe I could convince her to come back home. Then the other one to Ponyboy." Darry gave our brother a questioning glance. Soda quickly answered the look. "I thought maybe I could give it to Dally and he could take it to Pony next time he goes to see him." Soda pulled his white t-shirt over his head and put his DX shirt on over top. "I think we should keep a close eye on Dally. That way if he slips up and tells where Ponyboy and Johnny are we can go and get them."
"I think those are real good ideas." Darry smiled at his little buddy. "One of us oughtta be with him as often as possible."
The sound of the morning newspaper landing on the porch ended my brother's conversation and startled me from my stare. I stood up and walked out on the porch. Looking down I noticed two familiar yearbook photos, one of Jonathan Cade and the other of Ponyboy Curtis, right there on the front page.
I lifted the paper and unfolded it, holding on to it tightly so it didn't blow away in the strong breeze. While I read I heard Darry and Sodapop come up behind me. Darry read the article over my shoulder while Soda waited his turn. The paper said both boys were wanted for questioning in the murder case of Robert Sheldon. There was information about the Sheldon boy's funeral and that the two men who were in custody earlier had been released and were thought to have no connection to the murder. My thoughts drifted momentarily to Dallas. I couldn't believe how he was able to weasel out of the police station even though he knew all about the crime and it's suspects. When I finished reading the article I handed the paper to Darry and went back inside to grab my schoolbooks. I really didn't want to be in class and face the socs again. The paper all but said my brother was guilty. That's all the general public needed to convict.
Minutes later came back from my room empty handed. I had forgotten that I had left all my books at school when I walked out yesterday. I passed through the kitchen and the smell of Sodapop's ketchup, mustard and pickles on eggs made my stomach sick. Wanting to get far away from the smell I started for the living room but Darry grabbed my arm. Scout you're looking awfully pale this morning. I want you to sit and eat something."
To appease my brother's request I changed direction and sat at the kitchen table. I had no desire to actually eat. Sodapop sat next to me and forced a grin over his eggs. "Are ya gonna talk to me today?" I rested my head in my hand and didn't respond. Sodapop waited out the silence then smiled again. "Ok… maybe later than, huh?"
Darry put a plate of eggs in front of me and filled a small glass with milk. I lowered my head and looked at my breakfast. I let it sit there, untouched while the others ate. Darry looked over from the morning paper he was reading. "Sissy you aren't leaving this table until you've eaten those eggs." Darry eyed the dark circles under my eyes. I didn't lift my fork I was too depressed to eat. My brother put down his paper as his agitation grew. "Come on girl, there's not much there so eat up." I kept my head rested in my hand and ignored the direction. I didn't care if I left the table or not. It wouldn't matter to me if I had to sit in my chair for days.
"Scout! You have got to eat something! You haven't had a thing to eat since Saturday night." Darry took a long look at my unresponsive action then his agitation reached it's peak as and Darry lost his appetite out of frustration with me. "I am out of here." Darry stood up, grabbed his tool belt and rubbed his forehead hard with his right hand in dismay. "I'll see you all tonight for dinner." Then he glanced at me, I don't know what he was thinking. I kept my blue eyes to the floor as Darry stormed out the door for work earlier than usual.
Sodapop looked up from his empty plate. "Sissy why don't you take just one bite?" Soda waited in hope I would do as he suggested. When I failed to move he tried another proposal. "How'bout just a few drinks of milk. It aint gonna kill you…" His words trailed off as he kept from saying, 'not eating or drinking is what's gonna kill ya'.
I looked at the milk and found myself privately debating the requested sip when Soda's voice cut in again. "Look here girl. Darry and I were talking last night and we just don't know what to do about you. We don't mind that you don't want to talk but you need to eat!" Soda paused waiting for a reaction that didn't come. "We're worried you aint gonna get any better and we are gonna have to take you in to see the doctor. Darry would have done so by now but he's scared of what the State would think." Soda leaned a little closer to me wishing I would give him my attention. Tears arrived in his eyes as he grabbed my hand and gently spoke. "Scout you gotta listen to me. Darry says if you don't eat by tomorrow he's gonna take you to the hospital. He's says it's tough love but we gotta do what's right for you. Even if it means losing you to the State." Sodapop wiped his eyes on the shoulder of his work shirt. "Besides, the other alternative is worse."
I sat still as his words began to sink in. Then, in a rare moment, Sodapop grew angry and cried out. "Scout! Do you hear what is happening? Do you know what we are going to have to do? You've gotta eat something!" Not one ounce of emotion or response left me body. Out of extreme frustration Soda huffed away from the table leaving his words to echo through my random thoughts.
Without fuss I rode to school with Steve and Two-Bit after we dropped Soda off at work. When we arrived my friends insisted on walking with me to my locker. Two-Bit put it this way, "if there's gonna need to be a fight, I'm gonna do the fighting." Today their protection wasn't needed. There wasn't a soc left in the building. All of them were gone for the day, gone to the funeral of their friend, the bully who tried to kill my brother.
I spent my class time daydreaming about things that had no relevance to what the teachers were saying. For lunch I hid out in the aisles of the library pretending to be checking out books, then at the end of the day I walked to the parking lot to find my ride home. In the back of Steve's car I wondered how many people would have gone to Ponyboy's funeral if Bob had drown him. I wondered who would have cared for Johnny knowing he had to pull his dead friend from the chilly water of the fountain. I concluded there weren't many people in that school would have cared if something bad had happened to 'my kind'.
In the afternoon Steve didn't drop me off at my house like he usually did. Instead I had to ride with to the DX station. Two-Bit went there to loiter and Steve to work his shift. The way Soda bounded out of the station and had a quick, private conversation with Steve I was sure my brother had given his friends strict orders not to leave me alone anywhere. I climbed out of the backseat of the car and started to walk home when Sodapop called me back.
"Uh uh Sissy! You aint going no where without me and I have a few hours left of work."
I thought about pretending I didn't hear him, but I knew he or Steve or Two-Bit would have just tracked me down and dragged me back. Without a fuss I swung my body back around and headed toward the station. Looking ahead I noticed my brother's gorgeous wide smile spread across his face. Just having me listen to him was so much more than I had done in the past day. Soda was so excited he jogged up to me, wrapped his arm around my shoulder and kissed me on the head. "That's my girl."
Usually if I had to be at the DX station after school I would have worked on my homework. Unfortunately in my absent minded state I didn't remember to bring home my knapsack. So I spent the time in the service station sitting on the counter and watching Sodapop and Steve work. They were a great team. One would fill gas while the other would wash the car windows and take the money. Often the two would flirt with the young ladies, they were both good at that. When Sodapop's shift ended, as if planned, Darry pulled up in his truck and took us home so we didn't need to walk.
On the ride home Darry and Soda talked about how work was. Following that conversation I noticed Darry motion towards me. Soda didn't speak discretely as he told our brother that I still hadn't spoken. "…but I told her not to walk off from the DX station and she listened!" Each of us were exhausted as we arrived home. Quietly Darry climbed out of the driver's side of the truck and Soda had to push me out the passenger's door. Fearing I would wander off he took a hold of my hand and pulled me along behind him. When we walk through the gate Darry looked up at the house to find Kathryn standing on the front porch. She looked worried as she jabbered. "Darry… hi…I had a friend drop me off after class, I hope you don't mind."
Darry looked at her soft face and a smile pierced his lips. "No, no problem…it's good to see you."
Kathryn looked at me and Soda. "Hi Sodapop, Scout, how are you two doing?"
"We're good." Soda casually answered for us both. He was still holding tightly to my hand, but his face had an ill look to it.
"That's good." Kathryn forced a smile and turned back to Darry. "I read about Ponyboy today in the paper, I…I don't know what I can do, but I wish I could help."
Darry looked down at the beautiful girl and smiled nervously because he knew how rapidly his emotions were welling up inside. "I'm glad you're here. I sure could use someone to talk to…" Darry's words trailed off as he sniffled and a tear rolled down his cheek.
Kathryn wiped the tear with her thumb and whispered. "Oh Darry. It's going to be ok… I'll take care of you." She lovingly held my brother's face in her delicate hands. "Why don't you sit down and we'll talk. I could make some coffee or something."
Darry shook his head no then wiped his eyes. "Why don't we go talk in my room." Kathryn easily agreed and she seemed to understand Darry's need to talk privately with another adult. She grabbed his hand and the two of them disappeared into the house and behind my parent's old bedroom door.
Sodapop pulled me along into the house then turned to shut the front door. Our eyes met and he began to cry. I could tell that seeing Kathryn and Darry together made him miss Sandy awfully bad. My memory recalled how he told her he loved her and now she was gone, right along with Ponyboy and I guess a little of me as well. I squeezed the hand that my brother was still holding onto. Immediately Soda tried to toughen up. He sniffled hard and wiped his eyes free of sorrow, "I guess I better go get dinner started." Instead of helping Sodapop cook I disappeared to my room in despair. I curled up in bed and from time to time I could hear Darry's sorrow as the sound of him crying in Kathryn's arms seeped through the walls.
In the darkness of my bedroom I heard a soft knock on the door. Without waiting to be allowed to enter the door pushed open and the light from the hallway flooded my refuge. Kathryn slowly entered my room and softly she tried to begin conversation. "They say when it rains it pours, huh Scout?" I didn't answer, but I don't think Kathryn really expected me to. "I am so sorry to hear about Ponyboy. Add that to poor Soda getting his heart broke and your horrible experience a few weeks ago and nothing seems worthwhile, does it?" Kathryn took a moment to look around my room and then she walked over to sit next to me on my bed. "I hear you're not talking anymore. Darry said something happened at school?" She paused for a so I could respond, which I didn't. "I wondering if maybe you would want to talk to me, you know, girl talk." I looked at her sweet smile and considered speaking and making things better, but I didn't. Kathryn sighed. "I guess it's ok if you don't want to talk, but you have to eat. Darry told me he didn't think you have had a meal since Saturday night." Kathryn reached up and pushed the hair back behind my ear like my mother used to. I remembered how she had done that the same way the first time she came to our house to help me with the custody judge. "Why don't you come out to dinner with us? I know it will mean a lot to your brothers." I took a hold of Kathryn's out stretched hand and walked with her to the dinning room.
Darry smiled and stood up as we sat down. "Well did you girls find anything to talk about?"
"Nope, but she did come out here with me without a fuss." Kathryn said as Darry filled her plate for her then filled mine with just a small amount of everything.
"Hey Sissy." Sodapop said with a smile as I sat down across from him.
I didn't answer back as I looked at my plate and realized everyone was watching me. Inside my stomach turned queasy and I felt guilty for thinking about eating, what about Ponyboy? Did he have anything to eat? I physically tried to shake the thought from my head then I pushed the plate away. Darry's impatience and concern turned to anger as he slammed his fists onto the table making the china and silverware jump. "What is wrong with you?"
Kathryn and Sodapop's eyes widened and Kathryn scolded my brother. "Darry, yelling is not going to help!"
My oldest brother ignored his friend's opinion and pleaded. "This is ridiculous! Do you want to end up in the hospital? Do you realize that may mean you could be taken away? Placed in a home for girls?" Darry stared at me with utter confusion and desperation. "You have got to tell someone what is wrong with you so we can help!"
"I don't remember …" My voice was barely audible.
Darry was taken back that his tantrum has broke me of my silence. "What?"
Everyone in the room held their breath to listen. "… I don't … I don't remember what her voice sounded like…." I sat in my chair and began to cry.
Kathryn leaned toward me. "Whose voice?"
"My mother's… I have photographs and can remember the way she looked and smiled but her voice is fading. I don't remember how she sounded when she laughed or called my name."
Soda looked across the table at me as tears streamed down his face. "She sounded like you Scout, real soft and sweet." Darry shook his head and agreed with him.
"I'm so scared that if we never see Pony again I'll forget him too." I cried harder. "…I… I can't be without him… I can't bear the thought of forgetting him too!"
Darry lunged toward me, swept me into his arms and cried. "We'll find him Scout. He's gonna come back." I cried even harder because I knew Darry's words were just wishful thinking. I also knew that I had to do my part to help the family. Darry couldn't bear to lose another sibling and I didn't want to be any more trouble. I had to eat even if I didn't want to. When I calmed down I pushed away from Darry and pulled my plate back in front of me.
Through tears I choked down the small amount of food in front of me while Darry, Kathryn and Sodapop dried their eyes and joined me. After I cleared my plate my stomach felt sick. I told Darry I wasn't feeling well, I excused myself from the table and crawled into bed for the night. Before Kathryn left she checked up on me, pushed my hair behind my ear again and told me how proud she and my brothers were of me. With a kiss to my forehead she left, pulling the door almost shut. I pulled out an item I had stashed underneath my pillow, Ponyboy's cut off sweatshirt. I bundled it up in my arms and held tightly to it in an attempt to be close to him. Then I cried myself to sleep, just like everyone else in the house