I hate hospitals. Always have; too many bad memories. They remind me of the people I couldn't save, and of the times that people had to save me. I hate having to rely on anyone.

But, you know, I realize now that I had been relying on all of them. I don't think any of us had ever had a real family, but the five of us together somehow made one. Dysfunctional as hell, of course. But somehow, we all pushed every one else a little closer to being a normal, stable person. That's gone now. Our family has been smashed, and the pieces might be too small to put back together.

I told that hothead to forget that woman. She's bad news, she'll only screw you over. Man, she ripped your heart out once already, just get over her. Of course, he never listened. Found her trail again, and picked it up so fast I knew he was going to get hurt one way or another. And then he found her, or she found him, and the shit hit the fan. She pulled him back into that world he'd been trying to escape for God alone knows how long. And then she went and got herself killed.

I guess I knew what had happened as soon as he came back. I guess she did too. And we both knew that there was gonna be a bloodbath, and that he probably wasn't ever gonna come back through that door. In the end, she tried to stop him harder than I did; I knew he was a lost cause. I guess in some way, I feel sorry for her. Nothing ever seems to go right for that woman. It doesn't help that she's one of those people who never knows what she wants until she can't have it anymore.

She came with me, of course. Standing over there by the window, chain smoking. Finally stopped crying, so I guess that's something. I've been up here two or three times already, but this is the first time she felt up to coming. I was worried about her, for a while.

I hadn't wanted to tell her. But she'd seen him leave, and she'd heard me go after him a while later. And she saw me come back alone. I broke it to her as easy as I knew how. Bad, but not as bad as it could have been. He's still alive, at any rate, although the doctors ain't making guesses. Pretty much seems to be up to him. She just kinda stared at me, like it hadn't quite filtered through yet. Then she turned around and went to her room and locked herself in. Stayed there for four days.

I suppose she's gotten past the hurt and is just pissed. She handles pissed much better than she handles hurt. She's glaring at him. Talking, to herself or to him, I don't know. "You stupid asshole. Stupid, stupid asshole. All you had to do was ask, and we would have helped you. I know you single-handedly brought them down, but damn you. You know that we all worked better as a team. But you and your stupid thing about not asking for help…"

She's right, he never asked for help, in any situation. There was that time that psychopath was stalking him (not the psychopath that ultimately kicked his ass, the other psycho.) Went by himself like a fool, when he knew damn well that guy was too much to handle by himself. She went after him, tried to help, and did, a little, I guess. Then he got mad at her for interfering.

In the end, it's easier to be mad at him, I suppose. He did stupid shit and paid for it, and blaming him is easier than considering our own part in this. I shoulda gone with him, shoulda backed him up. We were partners, and had been for a long time. She feels like she shoulda made him stay, shoulda told him how she felt before she lost him. Maybe we are to blame, but maybe we aren't. Maybe there wasn't anything we could do.

He's still hanging on, barely. So there's still hope. He might pull through, but like I said, it pretty much seems up to him. Doctors did all they could, but if he doesn't want to go on living, well, I guess he won't. I mean, he lost the only girl he'd ever really given himself a chance to love, and now that his rival's dead, he might not feel he has much left to do.

I hope the silly bastard realizes we need him. Oh, sure, we can go on with out him. But it won't be the same. If he goes, it's going to take me a damned long time to put her back together. Take me a while to put myself back together, if it comes down to it. And I just know that screwy kid is gonna wander back into our lives someday, and I don't want to have to explain to her why he isn't here. And truth be told, nothing ever went as well, for any of us, as when we were all working together. That was the bright part of our lives, and if it's gone, it's not going to come back.

I've suddenly realized that he's a big piece of us, and if I'm going to be putting this puzzle back together again, it might just be too big of a piece to have missing. Damn you, Spike. If you don't pull through, I'm going to kill you.