She did it again, she realises, as she awakes, blinking her dewy eyes, her breathing slowly being calmed into short, shallow breaths, sucking in air through the hurt, even if it did only belong to the realm of the imaginary.
She shakes off the images, the half-lived horrors of night, it's not as if she's not used to it. She's a Colonel in the godamn airforce. She was special ops, she's been through more than the whole ofSG 5,6 and 9.
She's a one-woman rescue at times, others she's just the brilliant scientist who has all the answers.
Sometimes she's convinced she's not special, that anyone could do what she does, it's just that none of them ask the right questions.
And other times he looks at her, not quite smiling in a sort of awe, a way that tells her "You're brilliant, you will always be needed here" and simultaneously wishing that she wasn't.
She removes herself from her lover's arms, the term still foreign in her mind. "Fiancee". Thanking whatever deity that he slept through the reactment of whatever horror her dreams decided to replay that night. That he didn't feel her thrash, or hear her call out. She felt the taste of the word on her lips. One that was so unfamiliar in the day, but she suspected it was frequently occuring in her dreams these days more than ever.
She runs the tap before she gets a glass out, making sure she puts her training to good use; there isn't a sound. Somtimes she feels like she's so empty that she can't hear herself breathe in a silent room, that she doesn't exist. That Big Bad Colonel Sam is out on p2x 776 or Tollana, or some unexplored, unimaginable place. And whilst Colonel Carter is off killing other people's demons, And Dr Carter is off exmining them, and finding the answers, Sam is left all alone, with a past full of demons that wont die, and too many questions.
She slips her boots over her socks, leaving the glass on the counter, disregarded because of it's clarity, it's pure see-through obviousness, in search of something else that doesn't make sense, something she can relate to.
She didn't mean to go there of course. She wasn't following her heart, she was following her feet to a likeminded soul, one who knew the horrors that plagued her. It was only when she reached his door that she remembered the last time she'd driven here, and sat in the car for ten minutes, trying to work up the nerve. This time there was only hesitation because she feared she may once again run into the woman who had what she could not, and didn't want to intrude if he had finally found a way to release his demons through her.
So, once again, as she always seemed to do in close proximity to him outside their jobs, she pondered, and wondered, and went against everything she had learned about being a soldier; make a decision, make it fast and stick with it. She thought maybe that's why the scientist versions of her always seemed to do so well, they must have at some point thought it through and decided to take the risk...but that may have cost them the planet, and she wasn't willing to do that. Although much more dawdling on his front porch and she was seriously considering it.
But luckily, that decision was taken out of her hands. he opens the door wordlessly, and envelopes her in his arms, if only briefly.
"I'm sorry...i should-" She says into his neck.
"Have called first?" he smiles tiredly, "We've been through this before. I'm glad you came."
She blinks in something, not surprise, she knows he's caring, and she knew she could come here. What pains him the most is the confusion in her eyes. It's not that radiant spark of confusion when she knows she can almost taste the understanding, reaching out it's tendrils and tempting her to find the answer. No, it's a defeated, cold confusion. She knows they lose people, she knows people don't live forever, she knows her dad loved his life, and that she gave it to him...But she doesn't know why everthing has to hurt so much all the time.
They just sit on the couch in silence, comfortable, until he decides they should try something neither of them are accustomed to or comfortable with.
"Talk to me." he says, leaving no room for questioning, but for once, through sheer exhaustion, she smiles tiredly and raises an eyebrow.
"Sometimes it works better if it's not an order." She suggests wryly.
He creases his brow in a kind of amused beffudlement, "Okay, talk to me please...if you want?"
She nods in acceptance, enjoying the brief moments she can treat him like a friend.
"It was no biggie, just another nightmare. And i didn't really know where to go, i didn't mean to come here...i just ended up here..."
He smiles at that, a sweet small smile that she generally doesn't get from him, no one gets from him.
"And why do you think that is?" He jokes, playing the part of the shrink this time.
"I just wanted...to feel safe for a little while i guess." She cleared her throat in embarssment, "You make me feel safe."
"Well i should hope so, after seven years on my team."
"No..." She tries to explain what she can't even understand herself. "I don't mean Colonel Carter, i mean you make Sam feel safe."
She watches as the cogs turn,as he sees what she's doing.
"Well, tell Sam she's welcome here anytime." He nods, playing the game that allows them to feel without it being against the rules, and then reverting to the one they play better, denial. "Anyway it's nice to have you come by, not because someone's dying for once."
She can tell he purposefully ignored the reason she came here last time. her cheeks redden at the thought.
"I didn't want to interrupt, in case... incase you had company." She says wit slight embarassment.
"Oh, well that probably wont be very likely anymore." He shrugs, gauging her reaction.
She nods, and says nothing, her face unreadable. He trained her well.
There is silence for a few minutes more until she suddenly bursts out with it. The reason she got her bike and roared throught the streets at 3am to her CO's house.
"I just keep thinking about my Dad. How he insists that he wants me to be happy, that i can have everything i want...i mean isn't that selfish? We work hard, and we do what we can. No one can have everything can they? You make sacrifices, you enojoy life and that's it. You settle, and you move on and...get a life. Right?"
He just looks at her. He sees this beautiful accomplished woman, truly believing that she doesn't deserve to be happy.
"I'm not going to pretend to know exactly what you mean. But i know that you deserve a good life, deserve to do what you want, deserve to have a life...but only if that's what you want, not just because everyone says you should."
"That was profound."
"I have my moments, you know?"
"I do." She stretches and yawns, "I better get back to...well. I think maybe it's time i readjusted my priorities." She says cryptically.
"What, you mean focus on your work for a change?" He laughs. She smiles. It's a regular occurence that gives her comfort.
"Thank you." She says meaningfully.
"For what?" He shrugs, not really asking, but happy with the answer anyway.
"For being you."
"Well i tried being other people, but it just felt so wrong, ya know?" He quips, she rolls her eyes. He always knew how to ruin a perfectly nice moment. She walks over to her bike.
"Oh, and Carter? Tell Sam that when she's done rearranging her priorities, she should come to mine tommorow...movie night."
"What movie?" She called back.
"Singing in the rain...it's a classic ya know!"
She grinned and waved as she mounted her Indian Bike and sped off into the night, and her General went back to bed, lying awake, pursuing not-so awful ideas of retirment, or going to the Pentagon...a certain colonel's old stomping ground.
Sam returned to her bed, feeling slightly guilty when her ex-fiancee's arms wrapped around her in a loving embrace that had suffocated her from the beginning, but she hadn't acknowledged it. If she had, no one would be getting hurt tommorow morning. And she wouldn't have to shrug when her fiancee says he knew it all along, and if she wants to pretend it's because of her father, he'll let her, because that's the kind of sweet person he is. At least he's not dead, she thought wryly.
She snuggled into her pillow, and through the silence she heard something for once. She heard her heart beating, and she heard it this time, the conciousness of the forbidden word she knew always woke up crying. The name she could taste on her lips when she woke up at 3am every night.
Because maybe when the General was off fighting bad guys, Jack was off somewhere, in a dreamworld, letting Sam know that she didn't have to be alone.
It was a stupid silly thing, to believe, to want something more. But for now she was happy, she had work, and friends, and someone who would hug her at 3am when she arrived on his front door in her pyjamas.
Yes, Sam Carter's life was truly special, and not because she was a superhero, or a genius or a good person, but because she didn't have all the answers. And she didn't want them.