Disclaimer: It's Saban's sandbox. I just play here because it's fun.
Author's Note: Here we go the third section of Aftershocks. As I had said before this part has been divided because of its size. This section stems directly from the last one.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Midnight Obsidian for his support, company and suggestions.
**Denotes Thoughts**
- + - + - + - + - + -
Billy stared blankly down at the project notes Kat had brought him just before teleporting off to school. Thinking back to her last words just before leaving, he shook his head in mild amusement. Leave it to her to bring him his notes, and then have the audacity to tell him not to work too hard. It was like telling a child they could only have one piece of candy on Halloween, and damn her if she didn't know that. Briefly it occurred to him that he should probably talk to her about the fact that she felt free to blithely teleport in and out of his apartment, but he couldn't decide whether he really cared.
Realizing that his thoughts had wandered away from the work in front of him, he struggled in vain to refocus. He wasn't getting anywhere. Calculations that should have been easy felt arduous and all the theory was locked up in some portion of his mind that he couldn't quite access yet. In the end, the only thing he was really accomplishing was staving off the sleep his body so desperately wanted, but at the moment that was enough.
It was ironic really. Next to Tommy, Jason had been at the bottom of his list of people that he wanted to talk to, but the moment the new Gold Ranger had walked through the door the last thing Billy wanted was to escape into sleep. He just couldn't shake the feeling that this was their now or never moment, and that if they didn't take the chance today it would all slip away from them.
Of course, that didn't mean he had the slightest clue how to begin or what he wanted to say. So at the moment he was settling for doing his damndest to stay awake, in hopes that eventually Jason would go first.
Not that his old friend looked likely to do that any time soon. Billy surreptitiously let his gaze follow the Gold Ranger on what must have been his tenth circuit around the infirmary. Ostensibly, he was familiarizing himself with the layout and whereabouts of supplies, but it didn't take Billy long to recognize the pattern in his friend's movements --- computer console, supply cabinets, diagnostic equipment, triage kits, and back. Jason was pacing.
Strangely that gave the ex-Ranger a sense of comfort. Neither he nor Jason had ever been very good around sick people or any place that even remotely resembled a hospital --- unpleasant memories and too many people they couldn't help. It felt good to know that at least one thing hadn't changed. It was enough to give him hope that they could break down the barriers. Assuming of course that the endless opening and closing of cabinets didn't drive him insane first.
"Jase!" Billy cringed as the name came out far harsher than he intended, and his friend tensed.
"Sorry."
"No, it's just . . ." He sighed and dropped his pencil. Running a hand through his hair, he tried to find the right words, the right opening. He didn't want this --- didn't want his old friend to be walking on eggshells around him, didn't want to look at the guy who had been like his brother and feel resentment, didn't want to be in the same room with him and feel so far away. More than anything he wanted to put the past forty-eight hours far behind him, and figure out a way to forge ahead. The only problem was he couldn't figure out how to move beyond this moment.
"Billy --" "Jase --"
They stopped awkwardly, each finding something more interesting in the room than the man across from him.
"I'll go first." Jason offered after a moment, and the teen-genius was briefly reminded of the way he and Kimberly would always volunteer just to show their shy young friend that there was nothing to be afraid of.
**Why break with tradition?** Nodding his acceptance, Billy added, "But could you sit down? What did Zack do to you over in Geneva? I'm getting tired just watching you."
The memory of their perpetual-motion friend broke the ice a little, and the two managed to share their first companionable grin, since the former Red Ranger's return.
Trying to keep the moment alive, Jason sat and said, "He's actually mellowed you know. He and Trini really got caught up in the Peace Conference. Both of them are heading councils for this year. Trini's working on conservation, which is no surprise, but get this, Zack has third-world health."
Billy let out a low whistle, "There's one I didn't see coming."
"Tell me about it. We took this two-week tour of Western Africa, visiting the hospitals, seeing how the people there lived. It affected everyone, but it really hit Zack hard. I think it was the kids. When he got back, the man was unstoppable. I don't know which one I think is more likely to be nominated for chair next year, he or Trini."
"I always knew that once all of that famous unending energy had a focus, he'd do amazing things. But he still dances, right?" Somehow the world just wouldn't be the same if Zack didn't dance.
Jason laughed, "Up and down the halls . . . if Zack wins a resolution the entire floor knows it. One time he and Trini pushed through this joint proposal, and he waltzed her through the corridor. Craziest thing you ever saw."
Billy laughed at the mental image of a completely poised Trini waltzing with an ebullient Zack. She had probably just smiled and gone along as though it were the most natural thing in the world.
Still as he listened to his friend's story, a realization crept in. There was just something about the way the Jason spoke about his friend's exploits that the young engineer identified with --- as though the former Red Ranger was somehow removed from it all. Quietly he asked, "And you?"
Jason sat back, and for a moment Billy thought he would pretend not to understand the question. Finally he answered, "I think the best thing I got out of the Peace Conference was the knowledge that that is not what I want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, it was a great experience, but it wasn't for me."
"Why not?"
His friend sighed, "I don't know. They're doing great work, but . . . it's just so removed. I couldn't get into it the way Trini and Zack did. Teaching the kids at the Youth Center and watching them improve that got me more excited than anything I did over in Geneva. Over there, you're working on something that might not change anything for another thirty years. At least battling Rita and Zedd, we always knew that at the end of the day what we did changed something for the better. I missed that."
"And now you have it again."
As soon as he said the words Billy wished he hadn't. They had come unbidden, a half-formed thought. He wanted to claw the air and pull them back, but he couldn't. Couldn't do anything other than curse himself for ruining what had been a good moment.
In the silence that followed, the words hung in the air between the two friends like an executioner's blade --- this impossible truth that both had wanted something so desperately and only one could have it.
Taking a deep breath, Jason met Billy's eyes and responded, "I'm happy to be back, but I'm sorry it had to be this way."
At that moment, the teen genius was reminded exactly why Jason had been the original leader and his best friend. There was such complete honesty in the teen's gaze --- this unique openness that conveyed strength and surety, but at the same time compassion. He had grown older, more mature somehow, perhaps they all had. The change only added to the absolute sincerity of the remark.
Billy felt the bitterness that he had held so close rush out of him, leaving him slightly disoriented. Once again he spoke without thinking. "I'm not"
He cringed. Next to Jason's complete and utter sincerity, the remark sounded flippant and empty. It wasn't, at least not the way he meant it, but he could see from the way Jason tensed just slightly that it had come across that way. God, he was making a hash of this. Fumbling forward, desperate not to leave this at some meaningless exchange of words that did nothing, he tried to salvage things.
"That didn't come out quite right. I'm sorry Jase. Please let me explain."
The Gold Ranger relaxed just a little, but otherwise said nothing.
Still, it was enough. Billy forged ahead letting his heart speak for him since his mind seemed to be out of commission. "I don't think that I'm in full possession of my faculties, so bear with me. What I meant was I'm not sorry it was you. Yes, I wish that I could have taken the powers. Half an hour ago I would have said that you had no idea how much I wish that, but I'm starting to think that you might. Still, that's irrelevant. The point is of all the people that it could have been I can't think of anyone else I would rather have them."
The speech was draining, and Billy had to fight the urge to stop there. In opening his heart he had made a very important discovery --- a hidden hurt that had been covered under the pain of rejecting the Gold Ranger powers. A smaller wound but one that cut far deeper, and unless he aired it now it would only fester. Taking a deep breath, he gathered up what little energy he had left and continued.
"In fact I would have gone with Tommy to fetch you . . . if I had known you were back." He paused letting the full import of his words sink in and then continued, "I think that's what hurt more than anything --- having to be surprised that the guy who has been my best friend for half my life wasn't just in town, but back permanently and had been for weeks. It was just too much for one day."
Sinking back against the reclining bed table, Billy sighed. There he had said it, all of it. **You should be proud of me, Kat** It had taken just about everything in him, and he would probably sleep for the rest of the day, but it had been worth it. Or at least he hoped it would be.
At his obvious exhaustion, Jason asked, "Is there anything you want?"
Hearing the concern in his friend's voice, and recognizing a stall tactic when he heard one, Billy responded as lightly as possible, "I want one of Ernie's smoothies and a hamburger, but I know you won't let me have any, so I'll settle for a glass of water, please."
Closing his eyes, the ex-Ranger listened to the sounds of his old friend moving about the infirmary, until he realized what Jason was looking for, "Glasses are in the break room."
The Gold Ranger turned, "When did we get a break room, and where is it?"
"I asked Zordon to convert one of the storage rooms. I spend too much time here not to have a place to keep food. Down the hall and on your right."
With a painfully familiar swish the doors slid open, telling him Jason had left. Billy was beginning to wonder whether saying what he said had been monumentally stupid.
After a few moments, Jason returned with a glass of ice water. "Here."
"Thanks." Sitting back up, he took the proffered glass and began to sip slowly.
"I don't know what to say."
And they were back to the topic at hand. Lowering his glass, the ex-Ranger looked over at his friend, who really did appear as though he had no idea how to proceed. Jason was always so sure and so strong. Seeing a crack in his armor, no matter how small, was a little disturbing.
Billy wasn't sure he knew how to be the confidant one, but for his friend he would try. "Just tell me why, Jase. I just want to understand why."
The Gold Ranger leaned forward in his chair, and stared down at the ground. "I don't know if I can make you understand. I'm not sure I understand."
"It would mean a lot to me if you would try."
"Okay," Jason nodded and laced his fingers behind his head, keeping his gaze on the floor. "You have to believe that I meant to contact you guys as soon as I got home. I thought about emailing all of you before I left, but everything was so hectic with the goodbye parties and getting all of my course work lined up here . . . I guess it just slipped away from me."
"And once you got back?"
He was silent for what seemed like hours, but couldn't have been more than a few moments. Finally he continued, "Second day back, I was watching the news and there you all were fighting the Mondo's latest attack."
"Not all of us."
Jason's head snapped up, and his eyes flashed. "Yes all of you. I've seen those Zords, Billy. I know your touch when I see it, and if I know you, you take every hit to every Zord personally. There's as much of your blood, sweat and tears in every battle as anyone else's."
He didn't have a response to that.
The Gold Ranger ran a hand over his face and leaned back in his chair. "But seeing *all* of you out there, I just felt so useless. In Geneva I had something I was a part of plus Trini and Zack so it wasn't so bad, but now I was back and . . . I don't know . . . it just all seemed different. I guess I'm not making much sense am I?"
"Actually you're making quite a bit of it." Billy fought the insane urge to laugh. It was just too ridiculous. Here was Jason --- strong, confidant, warrior Jason --- saying all these things that were such a perfect mirror of his own feelings. When did they both get to be such idiots?
Suddenly something occurred to him, and all the laughter faded, "But Tommy? Why did you contact Tommy?"
Jason shook his head, "Didn't. I ran into him at the dojo when I was signing up to teach again. I wasn't really planning on hiding out forever, Angel Grove's too small for that."
"And me?" Billy tried to keep his voice neutral.
"Frankly after talking to Tommy, I was even less certain what to say. He said you'd changed a lot, and he didn't really sound that comfortable with it. I didn't know what to think."
"What do you mean?"
Jason shrugged, "Your emails sort of dropped off in the middle of the fall. I thought maybe you were traveling in different circles."
For a moment Billy just stared at his friend, trying to remember what exactly had happened, and then it came to him . . . Aquitar --- Aquitar, followed by Kim's letter, followed by his period of methodically shutting himself off from everyone, but Kat. Damn. Closing his eyes, Billy sighed and made a mental note to write one massive apology email to Zack and Trini as soon as he was better. "I have built myself a completely glass house regarding communication, haven't I?"
"We could have written you, too. We've all been busy."
It would have been so easy to leave it there, but his friend deserved to know the truth, to know that he wasn't alone in his mistakes. "It wasn't about being busy for me. I was pulling away, trying to make the being without powers easier. Of course it didn't work, but I guess you all got caught in the effort."
"You're not going to do that again are you?"
He shook his head, "Don't worry. Kat sees the slightest indication that I'm doing that, and I'm sure I'll be in for an earful." **Not to mention I won't be able to find my tools for a week**
Jason chuckled, "She's something. Tommy is a lucky guy."
"Oh yeah."
"I don't think she likes me much though."
"Kat likes everyone, well perhaps with the exception of Jacob." Billy reassured him.
"You didn't see the looks she gave me this morning."
"The ones where you swear you can hear the cursing?" At Jason's nod, he laughed, "I've gotten them before. She was just angry on my behalf. Give her a day or two, and you'll wonder how you ever got such a close friend."
"She's really protective of you."
"She's protective of all her teammates. I just happened to be the unconscious one."
"Yeah, she reminded me a little of Trini that way."
Billy stilled and his voice dropped several degrees, "Don't *ever* say that in front of her."
Jason looked stunned, "Why not?"
"Kat has enough replacement issues that she's worked hard to get through. I won't let you dredge up another set."
"Replacement issues . . ." The light came on in Jason's head, "Oh from Kim."
"Yeah."
"You don't think Tommy's . . . ?" The Gold Ranger shook his head, finding the idea too inconceivable, "That's just not like him."
"No, I know Tommy isn't replacing Kim. It's not his way. I know it. You know it. I just like to make sure Kat doesn't doubt it."
"You're pretty protective of her too."
After an almost imperceptible pause, Billy replied, "I'm protective of all my teammates"
For a second, Jason looked as though he wanted to say something more, but then thought better of it.
"Tell you what bro, as soon as you're better, let me take you out for that burger and smoothie. My treat. I can fill you in on all the crazy things we did over in Geneva."
"I'd like that."
*****
Tommy sat back in his chair and looked up at the clock, not sure whether he wanted it to move faster or slower. Normally he enjoyed his history class, especially since Coach Jay was a bit of a war buff and really got into the nitty-gritty details of the causes and importance of each battle, rather than just asking for dates and names. Today however he just let the lecture wash over him as his thoughts traveled along the same path they'd been going down all day.
So much had happened in the past forty-eight hours that it was hard to sort it all out. He had been on an emotional roller coaster --- painful sympathy for Billy, then excitement at finding a way to bring Jason back into the fold, followed by terror at Kat's frantic call, then elation at knowing their friend would be all right. Up and down and up and down.
In a way Tommy felt as though he were still on it. He had spent the entire day flipping back and forth between two very contradictory sets of emotions. One moment he berated himself at not seeing how deeply his friend had been affected by his body's rejection of the powers, and the next . . . the next moment the memory of the way Kat had been so focused and protective of Billy would spring to mind replacing all his guilt with surprise, confusion, and the tiniest feeling of betrayal. Then that would make him think how Billy must have felt when he brought Jason back to the Power Chamber unannounced and the mental reprimands would start anew. Round and round and round he went.
Glancing over at Kat's hunched form, he noted that she didn't seem to be doing any better than he was, although she at least hadn't given up the appearance of taking notes. Apparently feeling his gaze, his girlfriend glanced up and gave him a small smile that didn't really reach her eyes. Tommy tried to return it with about the same success.
They had been like this all day. Talking, smiling, holding hands, and basically going through the motions of everything being okay, until they could finally get the time to talk about why everything wasn't okay. **I just wish I knew exactly why that was**
Glancing back up at the clock, he realized that almost the entire period had passed without his noticing it. Watching the final minutes of the school day tick by, the Red Ranger started to fervently wish that Mondo would decide to attack.
*RING*
Luck just wasn't on his side today. Getting up from his chair, he began to pack up his things with excruciating slowness. A process made more difficult by the fact that he hadn't even bothered to get out his book for this class.
Kat was doing much the same thing, although she had actual things to put away. Finally Tommy was reduced to standing awkwardly at his desk in the empty classroom, waiting for her to look up.
"Kat, we need to talk."
Looking up, the Pink Ranger met his eyes and nodded slowly, "Yeah, we do."
"Not here."
"Your house?"
Tommy shook his head. "I have a class at four. Not enough time to go home and come back."
"The Juice Bar then."
"Yeah, okay. Give me ten minutes and I'll meet you there?" He wasn't really sure what he was going to do during that time, but the Red Ranger didn't think he could take walking over there with her in perfect silence.
"Sure." With that Kat finished gathering up her things, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and walked out the door.
Tommy resumed trying to make his communicator go off by sheer force of will.
----
By the time he arrived, Kat was already sitting down with two strawberry-banana smoothies --- their favorite. Tommy was grateful to see that she had chosen one of the more secluded tables over in the corner, rather than their usual one dead center. He didn't feel like sharing his private life with the rest of the Youth Center's patrons.
"Hey." He greeted her as he pulled out the chair across from her.
Kat managed a slightly less forced smile and pushed one of the smoothies over to him. "Hey."
"How was your day?" It was as good a question as any, since he didn't know the ones he wanted to ask.
"Long," She groaned, pressing the tips of her fingers against closed eyes. "I'm really glad it's Friday. I just might sleep all weekend."
Tommy swallowed hard at that. They were supposed to go dancing tomorrow night. She had been looking forward to it all week, and although most of him knew that she hadn't actually meant her comment, it still hurt. Crossing his arms, he leaned back in his chair, and grumbled, "You shouldn't have taken the first shift."
Kat sighed, "Please don't start, Tommy."
Well, this was off to a beautiful start. Feeling guilty at begrudging Billy some company after his collapse, he relented. "How is he?"
Kat put her hand over his and smiled, recognizing the question as the apology it was. "He's good. Really tired and still pretty weak, but he's good. By the time you visit him tonight, he'll probably be begging to get out of the infirmary. Don't you dare let him though."
"It's not your fault he collapsed, Kat."
"I know."
Her words were expected, but it was her eyes that brought Tommy up short. He had expected them to hold some sort of misguided guilt beneath false bravado, expected her eyes to look the same way they did whenever he offered reassurance that her actions under Rita's spell were not her own. They didn't look that way at all. There was pain and lots of false bravado, but no guilt. He sighed. This conversation would have been so much simpler if there was guilt.
"Then why --- ?" He broke off uncomfortably, not quite certain how to ask what he wanted to.
Kat's eyes narrowed just a fraction. "Why what?"
"Why --" Tommy broke off again, still unable to find the right words.
"Tommy . . ."
"Why are you taking his collapse so personally?" He wanted to sink into a hole. He still hadn't figured out what the right words were, but he knew the wrong ones. Those were definitely the wrong ones.
As though to reinforce how poorly phrased his question had been, she withdrew her hand. "He's my friend. That makes it personal."
"He's my friend too, Kat."
For some reason this just caused her to draw her lips into a thin line.
"What?"
"You have a really funny way of showing it."
Tommy tensed under the attack. He hadn't come here looking for a fight. All he wanted was to get a better understanding of everything that had happened this morning. He didn't deserve this, especially not from his girlfriend. "Just what is that supposed to mean?"
"You threw a party, Tommy. You threw a party celebrating the fact that his body rejected the Gold Ranger Powers." That wasn't fair, and she knew it.
"I threw a party welcoming Jason back, and Billy *said* he was okay with it. If he wasn't he should have said something." His last comment caused a momentary flash of pain across her face, and then she set her features into a cool mask. He had hit a sore spot, and he was about to pay.
"You should have *known*. Of all people, you should have known that he wasn't okay with it. You told me how much it hurt when you lost your powers. How you had to be alone and you almost couldn't bear to be around the team for weeks. You left, and then you got your powers back. He stayed, and you flaunted it in his face."
Kat's voice was harsh with anger, and she looked to be on the verge of tears. All he wanted to do was gather her in his arms and stop them from coming. But he couldn't because he was the source, and that just made everything hurt more. Quietly he tried to offer some form of an apology along with a defense of his actions. "You know it wasn't meant that way, Kat. If he had wanted to leave for awhile, everyone would have understood."
For a moment she just stared at him, then shook her head sadly, and whispered. "You really don't know him at all, do you?"
The sorrow in her voice gave new sharpness to her words, cutting him deeper than anything else she had said. Then just to rub a little salt into the wound there lay the implication that she knew the team's scientist far better than he did. "And I suppose you do?"
"I know him well enough to know that he would *never* abandon the team that way."
Tommy's entire body went still. His throat constricted. He couldn't breathe. How dare she?! No matter how wrong he was regarding Billy, she had absolutely no right to imply . . . "Is that what you think I did?"
Kat's eyes went wide as it sunk in with her the line that she had just crossed. "Tommy . . . that wasn't . . . I didn't mean it like that . . ."
He wanted to leave. Wanted to get up from this table, and walk away, but his body remained disobediently rooted in one spot. "So just what *did* you mean?"
She dropped her head in her hands. "I just meant that Billy deals with things differently."
"Well, I'm sorry I'm not him."
"I didn't mean it as a judgment call. I don't know what you went through because I wasn't there. I'm sorry, Tommy." Kat reached out to touch his hand, but he pulled away. She sighed. "All I know is what Billy is going through right now, and it's bad. I wouldn't blame him for wanting to leave for a while, just the same way I don't blame you for needing time alone. But that's not what he'll do. He'll just keep right on going as though everything were fine."
"You really think that's what he'll try to do?" He was still angry, but her words registered with the portion of him that was always the leader. It wasn't good for Billy to internalize things that way. It could all blow up in their faces later.
"I don't think. I know."
"How come you're so certain?"
"I talk to him."
It was said softly as a simple statement of fact, but combined with all his earlier guilt, the words landed against him like sharp slap across the face. "And I don't."
He had his answer in her silence.
"Okay." Tommy nodded curtly and stood. He needed time --- time to digest everything she had said; time to let go of some of the hurt her unthinking comment had caused him; time to decide exactly what he was going to do when one a.m. rolled around.
"Tommy . . ."
"I said okay, Kat." He didn't look at her, couldn't look at her. Part of him just wanted so badly to reach across the table and hold her close, to let her heal the wound she had caused, and if he looked at her he would do just that. But he couldn't let her think that she was already forgiven, he cared too much to offer her that false comfort.
Still he could offer reassurance. "I just need a little time. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay."
Pushing his chair under the table, he walked over to where his students had already started to warm up, silently thanking God today was an advanced class.
- + - + - + - + - + -
Thank you all for reading. And again Aftershocks has expanded. It looks like it's going to be a quartet.
This is my first time working with Tommy or Jason in any great detail, so I'm a little nervous, but please let me know what you think.
Panache (who's actually nervous as all get out but is putting on a brave face)
Author's Note: Here we go the third section of Aftershocks. As I had said before this part has been divided because of its size. This section stems directly from the last one.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Midnight Obsidian for his support, company and suggestions.
**Denotes Thoughts**
- + - + - + - + - + -
Billy stared blankly down at the project notes Kat had brought him just before teleporting off to school. Thinking back to her last words just before leaving, he shook his head in mild amusement. Leave it to her to bring him his notes, and then have the audacity to tell him not to work too hard. It was like telling a child they could only have one piece of candy on Halloween, and damn her if she didn't know that. Briefly it occurred to him that he should probably talk to her about the fact that she felt free to blithely teleport in and out of his apartment, but he couldn't decide whether he really cared.
Realizing that his thoughts had wandered away from the work in front of him, he struggled in vain to refocus. He wasn't getting anywhere. Calculations that should have been easy felt arduous and all the theory was locked up in some portion of his mind that he couldn't quite access yet. In the end, the only thing he was really accomplishing was staving off the sleep his body so desperately wanted, but at the moment that was enough.
It was ironic really. Next to Tommy, Jason had been at the bottom of his list of people that he wanted to talk to, but the moment the new Gold Ranger had walked through the door the last thing Billy wanted was to escape into sleep. He just couldn't shake the feeling that this was their now or never moment, and that if they didn't take the chance today it would all slip away from them.
Of course, that didn't mean he had the slightest clue how to begin or what he wanted to say. So at the moment he was settling for doing his damndest to stay awake, in hopes that eventually Jason would go first.
Not that his old friend looked likely to do that any time soon. Billy surreptitiously let his gaze follow the Gold Ranger on what must have been his tenth circuit around the infirmary. Ostensibly, he was familiarizing himself with the layout and whereabouts of supplies, but it didn't take Billy long to recognize the pattern in his friend's movements --- computer console, supply cabinets, diagnostic equipment, triage kits, and back. Jason was pacing.
Strangely that gave the ex-Ranger a sense of comfort. Neither he nor Jason had ever been very good around sick people or any place that even remotely resembled a hospital --- unpleasant memories and too many people they couldn't help. It felt good to know that at least one thing hadn't changed. It was enough to give him hope that they could break down the barriers. Assuming of course that the endless opening and closing of cabinets didn't drive him insane first.
"Jase!" Billy cringed as the name came out far harsher than he intended, and his friend tensed.
"Sorry."
"No, it's just . . ." He sighed and dropped his pencil. Running a hand through his hair, he tried to find the right words, the right opening. He didn't want this --- didn't want his old friend to be walking on eggshells around him, didn't want to look at the guy who had been like his brother and feel resentment, didn't want to be in the same room with him and feel so far away. More than anything he wanted to put the past forty-eight hours far behind him, and figure out a way to forge ahead. The only problem was he couldn't figure out how to move beyond this moment.
"Billy --" "Jase --"
They stopped awkwardly, each finding something more interesting in the room than the man across from him.
"I'll go first." Jason offered after a moment, and the teen-genius was briefly reminded of the way he and Kimberly would always volunteer just to show their shy young friend that there was nothing to be afraid of.
**Why break with tradition?** Nodding his acceptance, Billy added, "But could you sit down? What did Zack do to you over in Geneva? I'm getting tired just watching you."
The memory of their perpetual-motion friend broke the ice a little, and the two managed to share their first companionable grin, since the former Red Ranger's return.
Trying to keep the moment alive, Jason sat and said, "He's actually mellowed you know. He and Trini really got caught up in the Peace Conference. Both of them are heading councils for this year. Trini's working on conservation, which is no surprise, but get this, Zack has third-world health."
Billy let out a low whistle, "There's one I didn't see coming."
"Tell me about it. We took this two-week tour of Western Africa, visiting the hospitals, seeing how the people there lived. It affected everyone, but it really hit Zack hard. I think it was the kids. When he got back, the man was unstoppable. I don't know which one I think is more likely to be nominated for chair next year, he or Trini."
"I always knew that once all of that famous unending energy had a focus, he'd do amazing things. But he still dances, right?" Somehow the world just wouldn't be the same if Zack didn't dance.
Jason laughed, "Up and down the halls . . . if Zack wins a resolution the entire floor knows it. One time he and Trini pushed through this joint proposal, and he waltzed her through the corridor. Craziest thing you ever saw."
Billy laughed at the mental image of a completely poised Trini waltzing with an ebullient Zack. She had probably just smiled and gone along as though it were the most natural thing in the world.
Still as he listened to his friend's story, a realization crept in. There was just something about the way the Jason spoke about his friend's exploits that the young engineer identified with --- as though the former Red Ranger was somehow removed from it all. Quietly he asked, "And you?"
Jason sat back, and for a moment Billy thought he would pretend not to understand the question. Finally he answered, "I think the best thing I got out of the Peace Conference was the knowledge that that is not what I want to do with my life. Don't get me wrong, it was a great experience, but it wasn't for me."
"Why not?"
His friend sighed, "I don't know. They're doing great work, but . . . it's just so removed. I couldn't get into it the way Trini and Zack did. Teaching the kids at the Youth Center and watching them improve that got me more excited than anything I did over in Geneva. Over there, you're working on something that might not change anything for another thirty years. At least battling Rita and Zedd, we always knew that at the end of the day what we did changed something for the better. I missed that."
"And now you have it again."
As soon as he said the words Billy wished he hadn't. They had come unbidden, a half-formed thought. He wanted to claw the air and pull them back, but he couldn't. Couldn't do anything other than curse himself for ruining what had been a good moment.
In the silence that followed, the words hung in the air between the two friends like an executioner's blade --- this impossible truth that both had wanted something so desperately and only one could have it.
Taking a deep breath, Jason met Billy's eyes and responded, "I'm happy to be back, but I'm sorry it had to be this way."
At that moment, the teen genius was reminded exactly why Jason had been the original leader and his best friend. There was such complete honesty in the teen's gaze --- this unique openness that conveyed strength and surety, but at the same time compassion. He had grown older, more mature somehow, perhaps they all had. The change only added to the absolute sincerity of the remark.
Billy felt the bitterness that he had held so close rush out of him, leaving him slightly disoriented. Once again he spoke without thinking. "I'm not"
He cringed. Next to Jason's complete and utter sincerity, the remark sounded flippant and empty. It wasn't, at least not the way he meant it, but he could see from the way Jason tensed just slightly that it had come across that way. God, he was making a hash of this. Fumbling forward, desperate not to leave this at some meaningless exchange of words that did nothing, he tried to salvage things.
"That didn't come out quite right. I'm sorry Jase. Please let me explain."
The Gold Ranger relaxed just a little, but otherwise said nothing.
Still, it was enough. Billy forged ahead letting his heart speak for him since his mind seemed to be out of commission. "I don't think that I'm in full possession of my faculties, so bear with me. What I meant was I'm not sorry it was you. Yes, I wish that I could have taken the powers. Half an hour ago I would have said that you had no idea how much I wish that, but I'm starting to think that you might. Still, that's irrelevant. The point is of all the people that it could have been I can't think of anyone else I would rather have them."
The speech was draining, and Billy had to fight the urge to stop there. In opening his heart he had made a very important discovery --- a hidden hurt that had been covered under the pain of rejecting the Gold Ranger powers. A smaller wound but one that cut far deeper, and unless he aired it now it would only fester. Taking a deep breath, he gathered up what little energy he had left and continued.
"In fact I would have gone with Tommy to fetch you . . . if I had known you were back." He paused letting the full import of his words sink in and then continued, "I think that's what hurt more than anything --- having to be surprised that the guy who has been my best friend for half my life wasn't just in town, but back permanently and had been for weeks. It was just too much for one day."
Sinking back against the reclining bed table, Billy sighed. There he had said it, all of it. **You should be proud of me, Kat** It had taken just about everything in him, and he would probably sleep for the rest of the day, but it had been worth it. Or at least he hoped it would be.
At his obvious exhaustion, Jason asked, "Is there anything you want?"
Hearing the concern in his friend's voice, and recognizing a stall tactic when he heard one, Billy responded as lightly as possible, "I want one of Ernie's smoothies and a hamburger, but I know you won't let me have any, so I'll settle for a glass of water, please."
Closing his eyes, the ex-Ranger listened to the sounds of his old friend moving about the infirmary, until he realized what Jason was looking for, "Glasses are in the break room."
The Gold Ranger turned, "When did we get a break room, and where is it?"
"I asked Zordon to convert one of the storage rooms. I spend too much time here not to have a place to keep food. Down the hall and on your right."
With a painfully familiar swish the doors slid open, telling him Jason had left. Billy was beginning to wonder whether saying what he said had been monumentally stupid.
After a few moments, Jason returned with a glass of ice water. "Here."
"Thanks." Sitting back up, he took the proffered glass and began to sip slowly.
"I don't know what to say."
And they were back to the topic at hand. Lowering his glass, the ex-Ranger looked over at his friend, who really did appear as though he had no idea how to proceed. Jason was always so sure and so strong. Seeing a crack in his armor, no matter how small, was a little disturbing.
Billy wasn't sure he knew how to be the confidant one, but for his friend he would try. "Just tell me why, Jase. I just want to understand why."
The Gold Ranger leaned forward in his chair, and stared down at the ground. "I don't know if I can make you understand. I'm not sure I understand."
"It would mean a lot to me if you would try."
"Okay," Jason nodded and laced his fingers behind his head, keeping his gaze on the floor. "You have to believe that I meant to contact you guys as soon as I got home. I thought about emailing all of you before I left, but everything was so hectic with the goodbye parties and getting all of my course work lined up here . . . I guess it just slipped away from me."
"And once you got back?"
He was silent for what seemed like hours, but couldn't have been more than a few moments. Finally he continued, "Second day back, I was watching the news and there you all were fighting the Mondo's latest attack."
"Not all of us."
Jason's head snapped up, and his eyes flashed. "Yes all of you. I've seen those Zords, Billy. I know your touch when I see it, and if I know you, you take every hit to every Zord personally. There's as much of your blood, sweat and tears in every battle as anyone else's."
He didn't have a response to that.
The Gold Ranger ran a hand over his face and leaned back in his chair. "But seeing *all* of you out there, I just felt so useless. In Geneva I had something I was a part of plus Trini and Zack so it wasn't so bad, but now I was back and . . . I don't know . . . it just all seemed different. I guess I'm not making much sense am I?"
"Actually you're making quite a bit of it." Billy fought the insane urge to laugh. It was just too ridiculous. Here was Jason --- strong, confidant, warrior Jason --- saying all these things that were such a perfect mirror of his own feelings. When did they both get to be such idiots?
Suddenly something occurred to him, and all the laughter faded, "But Tommy? Why did you contact Tommy?"
Jason shook his head, "Didn't. I ran into him at the dojo when I was signing up to teach again. I wasn't really planning on hiding out forever, Angel Grove's too small for that."
"And me?" Billy tried to keep his voice neutral.
"Frankly after talking to Tommy, I was even less certain what to say. He said you'd changed a lot, and he didn't really sound that comfortable with it. I didn't know what to think."
"What do you mean?"
Jason shrugged, "Your emails sort of dropped off in the middle of the fall. I thought maybe you were traveling in different circles."
For a moment Billy just stared at his friend, trying to remember what exactly had happened, and then it came to him . . . Aquitar --- Aquitar, followed by Kim's letter, followed by his period of methodically shutting himself off from everyone, but Kat. Damn. Closing his eyes, Billy sighed and made a mental note to write one massive apology email to Zack and Trini as soon as he was better. "I have built myself a completely glass house regarding communication, haven't I?"
"We could have written you, too. We've all been busy."
It would have been so easy to leave it there, but his friend deserved to know the truth, to know that he wasn't alone in his mistakes. "It wasn't about being busy for me. I was pulling away, trying to make the being without powers easier. Of course it didn't work, but I guess you all got caught in the effort."
"You're not going to do that again are you?"
He shook his head, "Don't worry. Kat sees the slightest indication that I'm doing that, and I'm sure I'll be in for an earful." **Not to mention I won't be able to find my tools for a week**
Jason chuckled, "She's something. Tommy is a lucky guy."
"Oh yeah."
"I don't think she likes me much though."
"Kat likes everyone, well perhaps with the exception of Jacob." Billy reassured him.
"You didn't see the looks she gave me this morning."
"The ones where you swear you can hear the cursing?" At Jason's nod, he laughed, "I've gotten them before. She was just angry on my behalf. Give her a day or two, and you'll wonder how you ever got such a close friend."
"She's really protective of you."
"She's protective of all her teammates. I just happened to be the unconscious one."
"Yeah, she reminded me a little of Trini that way."
Billy stilled and his voice dropped several degrees, "Don't *ever* say that in front of her."
Jason looked stunned, "Why not?"
"Kat has enough replacement issues that she's worked hard to get through. I won't let you dredge up another set."
"Replacement issues . . ." The light came on in Jason's head, "Oh from Kim."
"Yeah."
"You don't think Tommy's . . . ?" The Gold Ranger shook his head, finding the idea too inconceivable, "That's just not like him."
"No, I know Tommy isn't replacing Kim. It's not his way. I know it. You know it. I just like to make sure Kat doesn't doubt it."
"You're pretty protective of her too."
After an almost imperceptible pause, Billy replied, "I'm protective of all my teammates"
For a second, Jason looked as though he wanted to say something more, but then thought better of it.
"Tell you what bro, as soon as you're better, let me take you out for that burger and smoothie. My treat. I can fill you in on all the crazy things we did over in Geneva."
"I'd like that."
*****
Tommy sat back in his chair and looked up at the clock, not sure whether he wanted it to move faster or slower. Normally he enjoyed his history class, especially since Coach Jay was a bit of a war buff and really got into the nitty-gritty details of the causes and importance of each battle, rather than just asking for dates and names. Today however he just let the lecture wash over him as his thoughts traveled along the same path they'd been going down all day.
So much had happened in the past forty-eight hours that it was hard to sort it all out. He had been on an emotional roller coaster --- painful sympathy for Billy, then excitement at finding a way to bring Jason back into the fold, followed by terror at Kat's frantic call, then elation at knowing their friend would be all right. Up and down and up and down.
In a way Tommy felt as though he were still on it. He had spent the entire day flipping back and forth between two very contradictory sets of emotions. One moment he berated himself at not seeing how deeply his friend had been affected by his body's rejection of the powers, and the next . . . the next moment the memory of the way Kat had been so focused and protective of Billy would spring to mind replacing all his guilt with surprise, confusion, and the tiniest feeling of betrayal. Then that would make him think how Billy must have felt when he brought Jason back to the Power Chamber unannounced and the mental reprimands would start anew. Round and round and round he went.
Glancing over at Kat's hunched form, he noted that she didn't seem to be doing any better than he was, although she at least hadn't given up the appearance of taking notes. Apparently feeling his gaze, his girlfriend glanced up and gave him a small smile that didn't really reach her eyes. Tommy tried to return it with about the same success.
They had been like this all day. Talking, smiling, holding hands, and basically going through the motions of everything being okay, until they could finally get the time to talk about why everything wasn't okay. **I just wish I knew exactly why that was**
Glancing back up at the clock, he realized that almost the entire period had passed without his noticing it. Watching the final minutes of the school day tick by, the Red Ranger started to fervently wish that Mondo would decide to attack.
*RING*
Luck just wasn't on his side today. Getting up from his chair, he began to pack up his things with excruciating slowness. A process made more difficult by the fact that he hadn't even bothered to get out his book for this class.
Kat was doing much the same thing, although she had actual things to put away. Finally Tommy was reduced to standing awkwardly at his desk in the empty classroom, waiting for her to look up.
"Kat, we need to talk."
Looking up, the Pink Ranger met his eyes and nodded slowly, "Yeah, we do."
"Not here."
"Your house?"
Tommy shook his head. "I have a class at four. Not enough time to go home and come back."
"The Juice Bar then."
"Yeah, okay. Give me ten minutes and I'll meet you there?" He wasn't really sure what he was going to do during that time, but the Red Ranger didn't think he could take walking over there with her in perfect silence.
"Sure." With that Kat finished gathering up her things, gave him a quick peck on the cheek, and walked out the door.
Tommy resumed trying to make his communicator go off by sheer force of will.
----
By the time he arrived, Kat was already sitting down with two strawberry-banana smoothies --- their favorite. Tommy was grateful to see that she had chosen one of the more secluded tables over in the corner, rather than their usual one dead center. He didn't feel like sharing his private life with the rest of the Youth Center's patrons.
"Hey." He greeted her as he pulled out the chair across from her.
Kat managed a slightly less forced smile and pushed one of the smoothies over to him. "Hey."
"How was your day?" It was as good a question as any, since he didn't know the ones he wanted to ask.
"Long," She groaned, pressing the tips of her fingers against closed eyes. "I'm really glad it's Friday. I just might sleep all weekend."
Tommy swallowed hard at that. They were supposed to go dancing tomorrow night. She had been looking forward to it all week, and although most of him knew that she hadn't actually meant her comment, it still hurt. Crossing his arms, he leaned back in his chair, and grumbled, "You shouldn't have taken the first shift."
Kat sighed, "Please don't start, Tommy."
Well, this was off to a beautiful start. Feeling guilty at begrudging Billy some company after his collapse, he relented. "How is he?"
Kat put her hand over his and smiled, recognizing the question as the apology it was. "He's good. Really tired and still pretty weak, but he's good. By the time you visit him tonight, he'll probably be begging to get out of the infirmary. Don't you dare let him though."
"It's not your fault he collapsed, Kat."
"I know."
Her words were expected, but it was her eyes that brought Tommy up short. He had expected them to hold some sort of misguided guilt beneath false bravado, expected her eyes to look the same way they did whenever he offered reassurance that her actions under Rita's spell were not her own. They didn't look that way at all. There was pain and lots of false bravado, but no guilt. He sighed. This conversation would have been so much simpler if there was guilt.
"Then why --- ?" He broke off uncomfortably, not quite certain how to ask what he wanted to.
Kat's eyes narrowed just a fraction. "Why what?"
"Why --" Tommy broke off again, still unable to find the right words.
"Tommy . . ."
"Why are you taking his collapse so personally?" He wanted to sink into a hole. He still hadn't figured out what the right words were, but he knew the wrong ones. Those were definitely the wrong ones.
As though to reinforce how poorly phrased his question had been, she withdrew her hand. "He's my friend. That makes it personal."
"He's my friend too, Kat."
For some reason this just caused her to draw her lips into a thin line.
"What?"
"You have a really funny way of showing it."
Tommy tensed under the attack. He hadn't come here looking for a fight. All he wanted was to get a better understanding of everything that had happened this morning. He didn't deserve this, especially not from his girlfriend. "Just what is that supposed to mean?"
"You threw a party, Tommy. You threw a party celebrating the fact that his body rejected the Gold Ranger Powers." That wasn't fair, and she knew it.
"I threw a party welcoming Jason back, and Billy *said* he was okay with it. If he wasn't he should have said something." His last comment caused a momentary flash of pain across her face, and then she set her features into a cool mask. He had hit a sore spot, and he was about to pay.
"You should have *known*. Of all people, you should have known that he wasn't okay with it. You told me how much it hurt when you lost your powers. How you had to be alone and you almost couldn't bear to be around the team for weeks. You left, and then you got your powers back. He stayed, and you flaunted it in his face."
Kat's voice was harsh with anger, and she looked to be on the verge of tears. All he wanted to do was gather her in his arms and stop them from coming. But he couldn't because he was the source, and that just made everything hurt more. Quietly he tried to offer some form of an apology along with a defense of his actions. "You know it wasn't meant that way, Kat. If he had wanted to leave for awhile, everyone would have understood."
For a moment she just stared at him, then shook her head sadly, and whispered. "You really don't know him at all, do you?"
The sorrow in her voice gave new sharpness to her words, cutting him deeper than anything else she had said. Then just to rub a little salt into the wound there lay the implication that she knew the team's scientist far better than he did. "And I suppose you do?"
"I know him well enough to know that he would *never* abandon the team that way."
Tommy's entire body went still. His throat constricted. He couldn't breathe. How dare she?! No matter how wrong he was regarding Billy, she had absolutely no right to imply . . . "Is that what you think I did?"
Kat's eyes went wide as it sunk in with her the line that she had just crossed. "Tommy . . . that wasn't . . . I didn't mean it like that . . ."
He wanted to leave. Wanted to get up from this table, and walk away, but his body remained disobediently rooted in one spot. "So just what *did* you mean?"
She dropped her head in her hands. "I just meant that Billy deals with things differently."
"Well, I'm sorry I'm not him."
"I didn't mean it as a judgment call. I don't know what you went through because I wasn't there. I'm sorry, Tommy." Kat reached out to touch his hand, but he pulled away. She sighed. "All I know is what Billy is going through right now, and it's bad. I wouldn't blame him for wanting to leave for a while, just the same way I don't blame you for needing time alone. But that's not what he'll do. He'll just keep right on going as though everything were fine."
"You really think that's what he'll try to do?" He was still angry, but her words registered with the portion of him that was always the leader. It wasn't good for Billy to internalize things that way. It could all blow up in their faces later.
"I don't think. I know."
"How come you're so certain?"
"I talk to him."
It was said softly as a simple statement of fact, but combined with all his earlier guilt, the words landed against him like sharp slap across the face. "And I don't."
He had his answer in her silence.
"Okay." Tommy nodded curtly and stood. He needed time --- time to digest everything she had said; time to let go of some of the hurt her unthinking comment had caused him; time to decide exactly what he was going to do when one a.m. rolled around.
"Tommy . . ."
"I said okay, Kat." He didn't look at her, couldn't look at her. Part of him just wanted so badly to reach across the table and hold her close, to let her heal the wound she had caused, and if he looked at her he would do just that. But he couldn't let her think that she was already forgiven, he cared too much to offer her that false comfort.
Still he could offer reassurance. "I just need a little time. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Okay."
Pushing his chair under the table, he walked over to where his students had already started to warm up, silently thanking God today was an advanced class.
- + - + - + - + - + -
Thank you all for reading. And again Aftershocks has expanded. It looks like it's going to be a quartet.
This is my first time working with Tommy or Jason in any great detail, so I'm a little nervous, but please let me know what you think.
Panache (who's actually nervous as all get out but is putting on a brave face)