Disclaimer: It's Saban's sandbox. I just play here because it's fun.
Author's Note: And we're up and running with the next part. I'm sorry that this has taken so long (damn the hell that is finals). This one doesn't jump forward anywhere, so just move from Aftershocks into this.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Midnight Obsidian for his support, company and suggestions. Also thanks to Ozmandayus for calling me on things that will make the story better.
**Denotes Thoughts**
- + - + - + - + - + -
**How very appropriate** Billy thought as he surveyed the shambles of his old garage lab. He was really getting tired of his surroundings emulating his mood.
Neglect had led to a thin layer of dust coating most of the half-finished projects that he had come to mentally label as 'tinkering' --- experiments and technology that were more useful for the theories they explored and data they produced, than the actual results themselves. When he moved out all of the essential information and equipment went with him, but there was only so much a person could take before his father started questioning where he stored it.
Disheartening was the only way to describe it. The realization that he had let what had once been his personal pride and joy fall into disarray under the weight of other obligations, sapped what little energy he had mustered for this day, and the ex-Ranger sunk to the ground.
He never meant to leave everything like this, but the work on Aquitar and then with the Zords had been so important, so pressing . . . he let himself become immersed, only returning here when he needed something. Today was no different, only this time he didn't need notes or a half-built engine or a file off his old computer. **If only it were that easy**
Today he needed a refuge.
They wouldn't think to look for him here, at least not for a while. The Power Chamber, the Youth Center, even his apartment . . . those places were no longer safe from the pressing concern of overly guilty friends trying desperately to re-integrate him into their lives. He just wanted to throw up his hands and scream, 'I don't want your pity!'
Except he did. On some sick, twisted level, the ex-Ranger was secretly glad for it, glad for the attention and the outpouring of compassion, even while he wished that it had stemmed from something else. Still just like a starving man who suddenly found himself before a feast, he couldn't adjust to the riches quickly enough and the gluttony was making him ill.
He wanted his staple, wanted what had kept him going for so long, what had provided him with strength when nothing else was there. God, he wanted Kat so much it hurt! As though all the other friendships offered up to him were merely empty confections that left him hungry and hollow in the end.
And that was what had led him here. He knew that Adam meant well when he called last night with a proposed movie festival, and it had sounded like fun . . . until Billy realized that it was a team get together. Why he had thought it would be otherwise, he didn't know. After all that's the way things always worked. **Have I really been away that long?**
During the movies, in the dark, with him on the couch next to Jason, and Kat on the floor in Tommy's arms, everything had been fine, manageable . . . avoidable. But then he'd been stupid enough to let himself get trapped in the kitchen alone with her. Standing there at the counter with her blocking his only exit, he had felt the Pink Ranger's whispered 'I'm sorry' more than heard it --- felt it in the way she held her breath, in the way the drink he'd been pouring spilled onto his hand, in the way he hadn't been able to acknowledge it.
She had been so close. The length of Adam's kitchen, the space of the word 'forgiven', and he wouldn't have to feel empty anymore, wouldn't have to feel alone. Only he was scared. Something so innocuous and simple shouldn't have such power to cause this kind of pain. Next to all that had happened, it should have been nothing, a hurt barely felt. Instead it was everything, eclipsing all other wounds.
If he let her in again, what kind of damage could she do? Fear of the answer had frozen him with his back to her, until her soft fading footsteps told him it was safe.
He wanted to forgive her, more than anything the ex-Ranger wanted to be brave and accept her heartfelt apology. His mind had already come up with all the reasons why he should. His heart didn't need any of them. The sheer fact of her was enough. But it all came to a grinding halt at one seemingly insurmountable obstacle: he was an emotional coward.
In the face of that, active avoidance seemed the best course.
Heaving a mental and physical sigh, Billy leaned against the garage door and began to take inventory. As long as he was cowering here in the dark, he might as well do something productive. Flicking his eyes over the shelves, the young engineer started to put things into broad categories --- keep, complete, salvage, toss. At least one thing in his life should be in good shape.
Nothing could be done about those items he needed to complete or salvage parts from. Although he felt relatively well, he doubted his still limited resources would put up with that kind of mental exertion. That left keep and toss, which really came down to organize and clean, two things he hated with a vehemence he usually kept reserved for the Machine Empire.
Reminding himself that the other options were sitting here doing nothing and venturing out into the nearly claustrophobic-inducing attentions of his erstwhile friends, Billy struggled to his feet.
Now if he remembered correctly, cleaner and rags used to be . . . aha! Sure enough, the young engineer pulled the bin of cleaning supplies out from exactly where he had left them. In fact everything was exactly how he had left it. If his father had moved anything, he'd been meticulous in returning it to its former position.
The teen genius found himself to be of two minds about that. On one hand he was grateful for the sense of continuity and connection it gave him. Yet at the same time it eerily reminded Billy of the way his father had preserved their home after his mother's death --- linens kept past their prime, groceries they didn't eat but still bought, pictures that remained long after their subjects had grown. It had taken Billy rearranging the living room and changing out every picture in the house before they were finally able to acknowledge that Marie Cranston was no longer around to take care of her boys. It marked the first and only time he saw his father cry.
Unwillingness to intrude, it had to be unwillingness to intrude. He wasn't a memory needing to be preserved, so this couldn't be his father's vain attempt to hold on. Lifting the bin up onto the counter, he dug through it and pulled out a fairly clean rag and multipurpose cleaner. Suddenly the entire lab seemed like a battlefield, him against the dust, against the foot soldiers of time and forgotten responsibilities. Attacking the project with voracity, the young engineer set to work chasing away his mistakes.
One bottle of cleaner and five rags later it was almost as miraculous a transformation as moving the couch to the other side of the room. Sinking down in his desk chair, Billy surveyed his work with a sort of grim satisfaction. It was clean yes, but still too similar, still a shadowbox of the past. He needed to move things, get rid of things, do something. No longer the merely curious boy, he had changed into a purposeful young man, this space should have changed with him.
Besides in short time that he'd been sitting here, Billy had thought about Kat at least four times, and his father twice. He needed a new distraction.
Spinning in his chair, he tapped the power switch on his old computer, smiling as he heard the familiar grinding then quiet hum. Desperate as he might be to simply shoot up and start moving supplies, it would all be a futile effort if he didn't take the time to catalogue what he did. Pulling up the inventory database he'd created in one of his more organized moments, Billy began to go through each item, marking down his intention for it, in case he didn't get to finish today.
Halfway through the B's the ex-Ranger became aware of the flashing email icon at the bottom of his screen. He had forgotten that he'd setup this computer to automatically connect to the internet. Studiously ignoring the fact that that also meant his father had kept the second phone line only Billy used, he clicked on the icon letting curiosity bury his concern.
Three emails --- one a polite, but impersonal newsletter from the chemical supply company he used, the other two . . . all too intimate.
Even without the familiar email address, he would have recognized Trini's letter within two lines. Somehow she managed to write with the same serene warmth that she spoke. Within the space of a few words, she had gently chastised him for not writing sooner, and completely absolved him of all wrong doing, reminding him as Jason had that the Geneva contingent had been equally lax. The rest of the email was a detailed recap of their last few months, complete with anecdotal comments courtesy of Zack. By the time he finished, Billy's sides hurt from suppressed laughter, and the shadow of a grin tugged at the corners of his mouth.
Drumming his fingers on the mouse, the former Ranger briefly contemplated shutting down the email program, and letting things end on a positive note. It was a half-hearted effort at best.
The last unread email called to him like a siren. The slightly cryptic screen name 'roselynn' only overshadowed by the more cryptic subject 'Update'. Stalling a little, he highlighted the address. It was Kat's, he knew that like he knew everyone else's email. Not that the word combination made it hard to guess. Billy wondered if she realized the vague reference to one of Shakespeare's more headstrong heroines, or if that had merely been serendipity at its most playful. Either way it was appropriate. Still she never emailed him personally, much preferring to seek out face-to-face contact. Of course he hadn't exactly been receptive to that approach the past few days.
**Time to be dashed against the rocks**
It took him a full moment of blank staring to process the reality of what he was reading. Billy wasn't sure precisely what he had expected the contents to be, given the subject, but this hadn't even made the cut.
~~~
I wanted to make sure that you didn't have too much work when you got better, so I did some repairs on my own. Here's a list so you can check me. Hope this helps.
~~~
Detailed and extensive were completely inadequate words for the list of repairs Kat had sent. There were at least three jobs on every Zord, each with the corresponding grid coordinates for the schematics, so he could easily find the work. **She must have gotten those from Alpha**
Looking over the list he frowned. There was more here than could be done in a few hours, or even a night. God, she'd even completed biorhythm realignment on Edward, that alone was a two to three hour job. This had to have taken the majority of her weekend. If she kept this up, Kat was going to make herself sick.
Hitting reply, Billy leaned back and tried to figure out how he wanted to respond. A simple thank you seemed coldly inadequate. An acceptance of the implied apology would only be cruel because he still didn't know how he would react when he saw her again. Silence also wasn't an option because he had the sneaking suspicion that if he took that course, she'd just start camping out in the Zord bay, and from the looks of it the Pink Ranger was already running on far too little sleep.
Dammit, he was no good at this! Kat was the one who knew how make him understand all the complexities of his own stupid emotions. She was the one who asked all the right questions and forced him to talk until somehow the truth spilled out. Unfortunately, right now the specter of Kat and the truth in the same thought scared the hell out of him.
Absently glancing over at the clock, he tried to picture the Pink Ranger in her current surroundings. One-twenty, still in school, probably barely awake through the last few minutes of sixth period bio . . . **Damn** Of all the weeks for her to adopt his work ethic. **She fails, and you have no one to blame but yourself**
At least now he knew what to say. It took him four drafts of the email to reign-in the self-directed anger and transform it into terse concern. Hitting the send button before he was tempted to try for draft number five, the teen genius leaned back and sighed.
Billy knew that in a few minutes he'd shut everything down and go looking for his old notes, all the while trying to convince himself he was only doing it because he'd promised, and not because it made a rather good excuse. Still that didn't mean he couldn't sit here and pretend for at least five minutes that that was precisely what he wouldn't do.
He made it all of a minute and a half.
**As distractions go . . . that was a dismal failure**
*****
"Hello, earth to Kat . . . come in Kat . . ."
"Huh?" The Pink Ranger shook herself out of her reverie to find Tanya standing in the doorway grinning at her.
"Man, talk about gone. I've been standing here for at least five minutes."
"No you haven't."
"Okay, two. Still pretty long." Her housemate moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "So where were you?"
Kat twisted in the desk chair to look at her friend. "What?"
Leaning back on her elbows, the Yellow Ranger smirked. "When I zone like that I am one of two places Africa or Adam."
"Adam isn't a place."
"Well, he should be. The man should be an entire country. Someplace far off and mysterious that everyone wants to visit, but no one actually does."
"Except you." Kat added, smiling a little at Tanya's blatant appreciation of her boyfriend.
"Except me." The African teen confirmed with a lecherous note in her voice, and a slight blush to her cheeks. "So, where were you, Australia or Tommy? I'm betting Tommy."
Turning back around to look down at the books on her desk, she murmured, "Neither, I was studying."
Tanya wasn't buying it. "Studying what? Nothing we are learning right now is that interesting."
"Biology. I've got that exam this week remember?"
"Yeah." The Yellow Ranger nodded, still not convinced, but willing to let the matter drop. "Do you want some company?"
"Sure." After Tanya left to get her books Kat dropped her head in her hands and sighed. Her friend was right. Nothing they were learning was that interesting, but she wasn't about to tell her housemate that what she'd actually been doing was staring blankly down at her biology textbook, while her mind recited the words of Billy's email for the hundredth time.
~~~
Thanks for the help, but don't come back for the rest of the week. I mean it. I can check for your access history, and I'll know if you do. You have the AP exam on Thursday. You should be studying, and you need sleep.
~~~
She'd been disappointed when she received it this afternoon. The message was abrupt, offering little in the way of forgiveness. **Did you really think that you'd repair a few systems and suddenly he'd feel like he could trust you again?** Still, it was an acknowledgement, which was more than she'd gotten the night before. Besides the more she replayed the words in her mind, the more she convinced herself that the endnote of concern meant that eventually the forgiveness would come.
Kat felt bad for not confiding in Tanya, but the whole thing was too difficult to explain. Every time she tried to put the situation into words, it came out sounding slightly absurd. How did you explain to others why unintentionally breaking a promise couldn't be fixed with a simple apology, especially when it wasn't something you could really explain to yourself?
Not that she needed an explanation, it was just inherent knowledge that came from her relationship with Billy, came from understanding how he no longer expected anything from his friends. It had taken so long for her to raise his expectations, and such a very short time to lower them again.
Knowing that if she let her thoughts go too far down this path she wouldn't get any work done tonight, the Pink Ranger got up to stretch. Her joints were launching protests against her immobility compounded by her lack of sleep. Rolling down so that her forehead rested against her legs and her arms were wrapped loosely around her knees, Kat took a few deep breaths and tried to let some of the tension drain out her body.
"I have to say that is most impressive."
Jerking up too quickly at the unexpected voice, Kat lost her balance and tumbled to the ground.
"I guess you didn't hear the doorbell." Tanya appeared beside her out of seemingly nowhere, her voice struggling to sound concerned over barely concealed amusement. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." Waving her off, the Pink Ranger sat up slowly. "I just thought I heard--"
"Hello, Kat."
"-Billy . . ."
Like some mirage, the former Ranger knelt in front of her, the expression on his face unreadable. "I'm sorry if I startled you."
Words, there were definitely supposed to be words, but sitting here on her bedroom floor staring into familiar green eyes that at the moment held only serious concern, she'd be damned if she could think of any.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Tanya waved a hand in front of her face.
The action broke whatever beautiful spell had held them, and Kat struggled not to glare at her housemate as Billy got to his feet. "I'm sure. Just a little dazed I guess."
"I came to help you study." The teen genius offered in answer to her unspoken question, as he extended a hand to help her up.
Taking it, more to convince herself that this wasn't wishful thinking than for assistance, she stood. "You did?"
"I promised I would."
"Oh." Kat flinched involuntarily at his words, at the unintended reminder that he had yet to break a promise to her no matter how much he loathed keeping it. Realizing that her hand still rested in his, she let go.
Apparently registering exactly what he had just said, Billy dropped his gaze and with it his momentary openness. "The AP exam is a pretty rigorous test. I just wanted to make sure that you were completely prepared." Turning, he moved to retrieve the backpack he had dropped by the doorway. "I don't know what Paulson's given you, but I brought some of my old notes and practice exams. I thought we could start there, just to get a sense of what you do and don't know."
He spoke in a sort of detached, vaguely clinical tone, like a hired tutor. Interested in seeing her do well only because it was his job. If she reached out to him would she be able to actually touch the walls he was putting up?
"Well, it sounds like you two have a lot of work to do, and exciting as I'm sure the digestive system is, I'll probably just be in the way."
Billy looked over from where he was laying out papers on Kat's desk. "You don't have to go, Tanya."
"Yeah, I think I do." Beating a hasty and somewhat awkward retreat out of the room, the Yellow Ranger stopped in the doorway to shoot a puzzled glance in her friend's direction. Kat shook her head to indicate that this was *not* something to be talked about later. Shrugging a little, Tanya rapped her knuckles against the doorframe, drawing Billy's attention. "In case I don't see you before you leave, have a nice night."
"Thanks, you too."
The Pink Ranger walked over to the space her housemate had just vacated, and very deliberately closed the door.
"Your parents would probably prefer that we leave that open."
Leaning against the door, she crossed her arms. "Actually my parents would prefer that we studied in the living room."
"We should go down there then."
"Doctor . . ." She put everything she had into the nickname, all her remorse and loneliness, all the regret and quiet desperation. With one word she got down on her knees and begged, ran to his arms and cried, raised her fists to the heavens and screamed. With one word she did all the things she would do . . . if only she were brave enough.
Resting his hands on the back of the chair, Billy stared down at the papers before him and sighed. "What do you want me to say?"
"Please, just tell me what I can do to make you less angry with me."
"I wasn't . . ." He shook his head, negating the statement, and tried again. "I'm not angry with you."
"But you're not forgiving me, are you?"
After a long pause, he looked up at her and whispered, "I'm trying."
Even as the ex-Ranger confirmed her fear, his eyes apologized. Capturing her gaze, they told her how he wished it could be different, wished it could be easier. Frankly she wished it too, mainly for him, but a little bit for herself as well. Still, this was a vast improvement from fifteen minutes ago when he wasn't speaking to her at all. Kat was not about to press for more. "Okay."
The quiet bark of unhappy laughter he emitted was almost explosive in its intensity, as though it had been fueled by something awful inside him. Sinking down onto the edge of her bed he sighed. "God, I'm acting like such a stupid little boy about this. I'm sorry."
Not knowing what else to do, Kat walked over and sat cautiously beside him, careful to leave plenty of space between them. "I think that's supposed to be my line."
"No." Billy shook his head, his eyes riveted on the floor. "No, I've already made you say it too many times, and I never doubted that part. You shouldn't have to say it again."
"I could say something else like . . . sometimes I open my mouth long before my brain kicks in, or . . . you should make a little device that shocks me before I go and do something dumb and hurtful . . ."
He actually chuckled a little at that. It was a beautiful sound. "You could tell me what major organ system I'd be affecting with that device."
"Peripheral nervous system." Kat replied looking over at him. "This is your way of changing the subject, isn't it?"
"You *do* need to study."
Recognizing that this wasn't something she was in any position to push him about, at least not right now, the Pink Ranger got up to start gathering her papers. "Then we should probably move down to the living room."
"Thank you."
Kat whirled around to stare at him in shock. "For what? Hurting you?"
"For being patient, for understanding that this might take a little while, even though I don't really understand that part, and . . ." Taking a shaky breath, he ran his hands through his hair. "I know you wouldn't have said whatever you said to Tommy if you didn't care, so in a way . . . yeah thanks for that, too."
Leaning back on the desk for support, Kat just looked at him, uncertain whether she should smile or burst into tears. **Damn you Doctor, you're supposed to be angry with me, not yourself** How did such a simple screw up become so incredibly complicated? "Billy, I ---"
He raised his hand to stop whatever she was going to say. "I need time. Bonds between amino-acids?"
Turning back around, so he wouldn't see the disappointment on her face, Kat answered. "Peptide?"
"Are you going to write the question mark on your exam, too?"
"Do you think they'd count off?"
"I don't know, but lets make it so you don't have to worry about that."
*****
"What is this?" Billy asked, walking into the room with an open pizza box in his arms.
Kat didn't look up from the free response question she was currently pondering. "From the smell I'd say it's the pizza I ordered, which is good because I'm starving."
"You actually ordered your pizza like this? Haven't you ever heard of pepperoni? Who eats this stuff?"
"Yes I did. I don't like pepperoni, and that stuff is called vegetables, something I'm betting you don't eat enough of."
"I know what they're called, but they shouldn't be on pizza. It's defilement."
"Well when you're the one cramming for an exam you're scared to death of, and it's your money you can choose the toppings. In the mean time, pick them off." She shot back, frustration giving her voice an unwanted sharpness.
"Fair enough." If her tone registered with him, Billy was doing his best not to show it. Coming up behind her, he set the pizza box down on the coffee table, careful to avoid the area that her papers currently occupied. "How's it going?"
"Slow." Dropping her pencil in momentary surrender, she reached for a slice and looked up at him. "I know I'm making progress, but I'm running out of time."
"Nonsense, it's only six. You've got at least four hours before I enlist Tanya's help in forcing you to get some sleep."
"At ten?! That is cruel and unusual punishment, especially coming from you of all people."
Looking completely unremorseful, Billy sat down in the overstuffed chair he had claimed, and reached for the question she'd been working on. "We've been at this for three days, Kat. I can promise you that tonight sleep will accomplish more than any study time that you lose. Besides, you are more than prepared for this exam."
"I don't feel like it."
"Kat, what's your grade in Paulson's class?"
"A-minus"
He looked at her intently. "Then you *know* this material. Paulson's tough. 'I don't give A's. They're earned" Kat smiled at his dead-on imitation of the rather imposing biology teacher, and Billy continued. "All I've been doing is refreshing your memory and getting you used to answering this type of question."
"Thanks for that."
"Well, I got you into this mess didn't I?"
Taking another bite of pizza Kat nodded solemnly. "You did, and this is certainly the least you can do for not warning me that sometimes he gives pop-quizzes two days in a row."
The former Ranger chuckled. "That sounds like something he'd do."
"What do you mean sounds? Did he not do it when you were in his class?"
Suddenly finding the question his hands extremely important, Billy sunk down in his chair and mumbled something indistinguishable.
"What?"
"I wasn't in his class."
"What do you mean? He told me you were one of his best students."
"I took the class independent study."
"I didn't think Paulson would let anyone do that. How did you get him to agree?"
Apparently registering that she was not going to let the subject drop. Billy sighed and set her paper down on the end table. "It was his idea. After three days he wouldn't let me stay in the regular class because in his words, it would have been a waste of time for both of us. So we worked out a deal. I did four projects of my choosing, one for each of the major topic categories covered in class. He graded them according to whether he thought they lived up to my potential."
Kat smiled, "That must have been perfect for you, a real challenge."
The young engineer just shrugged tightly. "I guess."
Leaning back against the couch, the Pink Ranger studied her friend. Something about the entire topic had struck a nerve with him, almost as though he were embarrassed. "What is it?"
"What is what?"
"What is it about taking Biology independent study that makes you tense up like that?"
For a moment she could see him considering her question, but then something changed and everything slammed shut, as though he had suddenly realized he was about to be open with her. Picking up her paper to signal that the matter was closed, he responded, "It's not important."
"Fine." She sighed. Needing to escape the sudden ten-fold increase in tension, Kat snatched up the now empty soda glasses, and made her way into the kitchen.
Well, that had gone well. **I really thought it might be better this time** But it wasn't. Every time she'd think that things were actually getting back to normal for them, something would happen to make him shut down. They would be going along just fine almost like usual, and then Billy would clam up, as though he was trying to keep himself from becoming too comfortable around her.
Kat didn't know what to do, but she knew one thing, it was getting old, and she was starting to lose some of that patience he had thanked her for on Monday. It would be one thing if he'd just yell at her, or let her try to explain, or even God forbid talk to her about it, but he wasn't doing any of those things. The result being they were stuck in some sort of emotional mire.
Yanking opening the freezer door, she began twist the ice-cubes loose from their trays, taking some sort of perverse pleasure in the way they clanked against the empty glasses as she dropped them in one by one.
"It was alienating."
For a moment she thought about not turning, about simply continuing to put ice in their cups, and letting him experience what it was like to talk to someone's back. It wasn't really an option. Closing the freezer door, the Pink Ranger turned slowly to look at him. "Yeah?"
Billy leaned against the doorframe, his hands shoved in his pockets, and his gaze focused very intently on the floor-tiles. "Yeah. Just one more reminder that I was different."
"What's so wrong with being different? That's part of what we like about you."
"No . . ." He shook his head. "I mean it was a reminder for everyone else. For about three weeks after that everyone was sort of . . . I don't know . . . hyper-conscious of the fact that I was working above their level, even some of the friends I'd made in the science club. It went away after a little while, but only because I was careful not to bring it up with anyone. Became a habit, I guess."
Kat nodded sympathetically. "I understand. When I was training for the Pan-Globals, I made a lot of friends on the diving circuit. They were all really great, but once I started winning competitions, they began to treat me differently --- nothing really definite, just this feeling. It didn't take me long to figure out that if I stayed away from talking about the most recent meet everything would be fine."
"Must have been hard."
"It was." Leaning back against the counter, she looked down at the spot he'd been staring at, trying to decide whether this was the right moment to push just a little. Sometimes she was really sure that if no one nudged Billy every once in awhile, he'd stay in the same emotional spot forever. "What made you change your mind about telling me?"
He was still for a long moment, and Kat was certain she had just made another misstep. Finally without looking up he replied, "I realized you're still you."
"Well that's . . . cryptic."
"It's true though. When you walked out just now . . ." Billy took a deep breath as though trying to steady himself. "I felt disappointed, and I couldn't figure out why until I realized that I *wanted* to tell you. No matter what, you're still the person I want to talk to. I don't know why I've been treating you like you're not."
"Because I hurt you."
"But even so . . . well not getting hurt again just seemed to matter a little less. Besides I know you, and you'd never hurt anyone intentionally if you could help it."
"Especially you." She added softly, and he smiled slightly at that. "Billy, I wish you would let me at least try to explain."
"I told you, you don't have to."
"But I want to." Not giving him a chance to stop her, the Pink Ranger continued, "I know it probably doesn't make a difference, but I really meant to let it go. Only I was talking with Tommy, and . . . he just made me *so* mad, and . . . it's completely not an excuse, but it's what happened."
"You lost your temper?" The disbelief in Billy's voice told her that the concept was one he found difficult to grasp.
"I thought Tommy told you we had a fight."
"He did, but . . . I never thought that you were actually mad, just . . . frustrated."
"Well I was frustrated, but I was also definitely angry."
"But why?"
There were tears now. Turning back to the counter she swiped them away with her hand, and answered shakily, "I realized how far apart the two of you have grown."
Coming to stand beside her, Billy rested his hands on the counter top. "That's not just his fault, Kat."
"But I already knew that about you, and I guess I just kept thinking that was the only reason. It wasn't until Tommy and I were talking that afternoon that I realized it was a two way street."
"And you got angry?"
Kat let out a pained little laugh. "Nothing quite like realizing your boyfriend isn't as perfect as you thought to make you say stupid things."
"Yeah, but for that . . ." Billy responded with a tiny chuckle and a sad shake of his head. "That's a pretty narrow pedestal you've got him up on, not much room for error."
She looked over at him and smiled, "Well, I'm working on building him something wider, closer to the ground."
"That's good." Pushing off the counter, the young engineer started to move out of the kitchen, but when he reached the door way he paused and turned back around. "You should know . . . Tommy stopped by to talk to me last night."
"About what?" Kat asked warily.
"Nothing in particular, just talk." Billy sighed and leaned back against the doorframe. "I think we actually made it four minutes before we hit silence. In the end I wound up reading him an email I got from Trini, and then he told me about everything he's planning for the prom. That's one thing I'll say for Tommy, he doesn't do anything halfway."
"No, he doesn't."
"Anyway, I thought you should know that he's trying. We both are." He smiled at her conspiratorially. "Does that give him a little boost back onto his pedestal?"
"Yeah it does. Thanks."
"Good. Now then Captain, when you come back out with those drinks, we can talk about why you have to draw diagrams for most of your free-response questions."
Kat frowned, "But they say you can't just use a diagram."
"No, you can't, but that doesn't mean that putting one down will hurt. If you draw one and refer to it correctly, it makes the explanation easier. I'll show you when you come out."
Dumping out the now partially melted ice, Kat went to open the freezer again, when it hit her. He called her Captain! He hadn't used the nickname since her fight with Tommy, and just then he'd said it without a thought.
She was going to ace this exam.
- + - + - + - + - + -
As always comments, criticism and suggestions are welcome.
Thanks for reading.
Note: AP stands for Advanced Placement a major exam given to high school students who wish to receive advance college credit in certain subjects.
Author's Note: And we're up and running with the next part. I'm sorry that this has taken so long (damn the hell that is finals). This one doesn't jump forward anywhere, so just move from Aftershocks into this.
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Midnight Obsidian for his support, company and suggestions. Also thanks to Ozmandayus for calling me on things that will make the story better.
**Denotes Thoughts**
- + - + - + - + - + -
**How very appropriate** Billy thought as he surveyed the shambles of his old garage lab. He was really getting tired of his surroundings emulating his mood.
Neglect had led to a thin layer of dust coating most of the half-finished projects that he had come to mentally label as 'tinkering' --- experiments and technology that were more useful for the theories they explored and data they produced, than the actual results themselves. When he moved out all of the essential information and equipment went with him, but there was only so much a person could take before his father started questioning where he stored it.
Disheartening was the only way to describe it. The realization that he had let what had once been his personal pride and joy fall into disarray under the weight of other obligations, sapped what little energy he had mustered for this day, and the ex-Ranger sunk to the ground.
He never meant to leave everything like this, but the work on Aquitar and then with the Zords had been so important, so pressing . . . he let himself become immersed, only returning here when he needed something. Today was no different, only this time he didn't need notes or a half-built engine or a file off his old computer. **If only it were that easy**
Today he needed a refuge.
They wouldn't think to look for him here, at least not for a while. The Power Chamber, the Youth Center, even his apartment . . . those places were no longer safe from the pressing concern of overly guilty friends trying desperately to re-integrate him into their lives. He just wanted to throw up his hands and scream, 'I don't want your pity!'
Except he did. On some sick, twisted level, the ex-Ranger was secretly glad for it, glad for the attention and the outpouring of compassion, even while he wished that it had stemmed from something else. Still just like a starving man who suddenly found himself before a feast, he couldn't adjust to the riches quickly enough and the gluttony was making him ill.
He wanted his staple, wanted what had kept him going for so long, what had provided him with strength when nothing else was there. God, he wanted Kat so much it hurt! As though all the other friendships offered up to him were merely empty confections that left him hungry and hollow in the end.
And that was what had led him here. He knew that Adam meant well when he called last night with a proposed movie festival, and it had sounded like fun . . . until Billy realized that it was a team get together. Why he had thought it would be otherwise, he didn't know. After all that's the way things always worked. **Have I really been away that long?**
During the movies, in the dark, with him on the couch next to Jason, and Kat on the floor in Tommy's arms, everything had been fine, manageable . . . avoidable. But then he'd been stupid enough to let himself get trapped in the kitchen alone with her. Standing there at the counter with her blocking his only exit, he had felt the Pink Ranger's whispered 'I'm sorry' more than heard it --- felt it in the way she held her breath, in the way the drink he'd been pouring spilled onto his hand, in the way he hadn't been able to acknowledge it.
She had been so close. The length of Adam's kitchen, the space of the word 'forgiven', and he wouldn't have to feel empty anymore, wouldn't have to feel alone. Only he was scared. Something so innocuous and simple shouldn't have such power to cause this kind of pain. Next to all that had happened, it should have been nothing, a hurt barely felt. Instead it was everything, eclipsing all other wounds.
If he let her in again, what kind of damage could she do? Fear of the answer had frozen him with his back to her, until her soft fading footsteps told him it was safe.
He wanted to forgive her, more than anything the ex-Ranger wanted to be brave and accept her heartfelt apology. His mind had already come up with all the reasons why he should. His heart didn't need any of them. The sheer fact of her was enough. But it all came to a grinding halt at one seemingly insurmountable obstacle: he was an emotional coward.
In the face of that, active avoidance seemed the best course.
Heaving a mental and physical sigh, Billy leaned against the garage door and began to take inventory. As long as he was cowering here in the dark, he might as well do something productive. Flicking his eyes over the shelves, the young engineer started to put things into broad categories --- keep, complete, salvage, toss. At least one thing in his life should be in good shape.
Nothing could be done about those items he needed to complete or salvage parts from. Although he felt relatively well, he doubted his still limited resources would put up with that kind of mental exertion. That left keep and toss, which really came down to organize and clean, two things he hated with a vehemence he usually kept reserved for the Machine Empire.
Reminding himself that the other options were sitting here doing nothing and venturing out into the nearly claustrophobic-inducing attentions of his erstwhile friends, Billy struggled to his feet.
Now if he remembered correctly, cleaner and rags used to be . . . aha! Sure enough, the young engineer pulled the bin of cleaning supplies out from exactly where he had left them. In fact everything was exactly how he had left it. If his father had moved anything, he'd been meticulous in returning it to its former position.
The teen genius found himself to be of two minds about that. On one hand he was grateful for the sense of continuity and connection it gave him. Yet at the same time it eerily reminded Billy of the way his father had preserved their home after his mother's death --- linens kept past their prime, groceries they didn't eat but still bought, pictures that remained long after their subjects had grown. It had taken Billy rearranging the living room and changing out every picture in the house before they were finally able to acknowledge that Marie Cranston was no longer around to take care of her boys. It marked the first and only time he saw his father cry.
Unwillingness to intrude, it had to be unwillingness to intrude. He wasn't a memory needing to be preserved, so this couldn't be his father's vain attempt to hold on. Lifting the bin up onto the counter, he dug through it and pulled out a fairly clean rag and multipurpose cleaner. Suddenly the entire lab seemed like a battlefield, him against the dust, against the foot soldiers of time and forgotten responsibilities. Attacking the project with voracity, the young engineer set to work chasing away his mistakes.
One bottle of cleaner and five rags later it was almost as miraculous a transformation as moving the couch to the other side of the room. Sinking down in his desk chair, Billy surveyed his work with a sort of grim satisfaction. It was clean yes, but still too similar, still a shadowbox of the past. He needed to move things, get rid of things, do something. No longer the merely curious boy, he had changed into a purposeful young man, this space should have changed with him.
Besides in short time that he'd been sitting here, Billy had thought about Kat at least four times, and his father twice. He needed a new distraction.
Spinning in his chair, he tapped the power switch on his old computer, smiling as he heard the familiar grinding then quiet hum. Desperate as he might be to simply shoot up and start moving supplies, it would all be a futile effort if he didn't take the time to catalogue what he did. Pulling up the inventory database he'd created in one of his more organized moments, Billy began to go through each item, marking down his intention for it, in case he didn't get to finish today.
Halfway through the B's the ex-Ranger became aware of the flashing email icon at the bottom of his screen. He had forgotten that he'd setup this computer to automatically connect to the internet. Studiously ignoring the fact that that also meant his father had kept the second phone line only Billy used, he clicked on the icon letting curiosity bury his concern.
Three emails --- one a polite, but impersonal newsletter from the chemical supply company he used, the other two . . . all too intimate.
Even without the familiar email address, he would have recognized Trini's letter within two lines. Somehow she managed to write with the same serene warmth that she spoke. Within the space of a few words, she had gently chastised him for not writing sooner, and completely absolved him of all wrong doing, reminding him as Jason had that the Geneva contingent had been equally lax. The rest of the email was a detailed recap of their last few months, complete with anecdotal comments courtesy of Zack. By the time he finished, Billy's sides hurt from suppressed laughter, and the shadow of a grin tugged at the corners of his mouth.
Drumming his fingers on the mouse, the former Ranger briefly contemplated shutting down the email program, and letting things end on a positive note. It was a half-hearted effort at best.
The last unread email called to him like a siren. The slightly cryptic screen name 'roselynn' only overshadowed by the more cryptic subject 'Update'. Stalling a little, he highlighted the address. It was Kat's, he knew that like he knew everyone else's email. Not that the word combination made it hard to guess. Billy wondered if she realized the vague reference to one of Shakespeare's more headstrong heroines, or if that had merely been serendipity at its most playful. Either way it was appropriate. Still she never emailed him personally, much preferring to seek out face-to-face contact. Of course he hadn't exactly been receptive to that approach the past few days.
**Time to be dashed against the rocks**
It took him a full moment of blank staring to process the reality of what he was reading. Billy wasn't sure precisely what he had expected the contents to be, given the subject, but this hadn't even made the cut.
~~~
I wanted to make sure that you didn't have too much work when you got better, so I did some repairs on my own. Here's a list so you can check me. Hope this helps.
~~~
Detailed and extensive were completely inadequate words for the list of repairs Kat had sent. There were at least three jobs on every Zord, each with the corresponding grid coordinates for the schematics, so he could easily find the work. **She must have gotten those from Alpha**
Looking over the list he frowned. There was more here than could be done in a few hours, or even a night. God, she'd even completed biorhythm realignment on Edward, that alone was a two to three hour job. This had to have taken the majority of her weekend. If she kept this up, Kat was going to make herself sick.
Hitting reply, Billy leaned back and tried to figure out how he wanted to respond. A simple thank you seemed coldly inadequate. An acceptance of the implied apology would only be cruel because he still didn't know how he would react when he saw her again. Silence also wasn't an option because he had the sneaking suspicion that if he took that course, she'd just start camping out in the Zord bay, and from the looks of it the Pink Ranger was already running on far too little sleep.
Dammit, he was no good at this! Kat was the one who knew how make him understand all the complexities of his own stupid emotions. She was the one who asked all the right questions and forced him to talk until somehow the truth spilled out. Unfortunately, right now the specter of Kat and the truth in the same thought scared the hell out of him.
Absently glancing over at the clock, he tried to picture the Pink Ranger in her current surroundings. One-twenty, still in school, probably barely awake through the last few minutes of sixth period bio . . . **Damn** Of all the weeks for her to adopt his work ethic. **She fails, and you have no one to blame but yourself**
At least now he knew what to say. It took him four drafts of the email to reign-in the self-directed anger and transform it into terse concern. Hitting the send button before he was tempted to try for draft number five, the teen genius leaned back and sighed.
Billy knew that in a few minutes he'd shut everything down and go looking for his old notes, all the while trying to convince himself he was only doing it because he'd promised, and not because it made a rather good excuse. Still that didn't mean he couldn't sit here and pretend for at least five minutes that that was precisely what he wouldn't do.
He made it all of a minute and a half.
**As distractions go . . . that was a dismal failure**
*****
"Hello, earth to Kat . . . come in Kat . . ."
"Huh?" The Pink Ranger shook herself out of her reverie to find Tanya standing in the doorway grinning at her.
"Man, talk about gone. I've been standing here for at least five minutes."
"No you haven't."
"Okay, two. Still pretty long." Her housemate moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "So where were you?"
Kat twisted in the desk chair to look at her friend. "What?"
Leaning back on her elbows, the Yellow Ranger smirked. "When I zone like that I am one of two places Africa or Adam."
"Adam isn't a place."
"Well, he should be. The man should be an entire country. Someplace far off and mysterious that everyone wants to visit, but no one actually does."
"Except you." Kat added, smiling a little at Tanya's blatant appreciation of her boyfriend.
"Except me." The African teen confirmed with a lecherous note in her voice, and a slight blush to her cheeks. "So, where were you, Australia or Tommy? I'm betting Tommy."
Turning back around to look down at the books on her desk, she murmured, "Neither, I was studying."
Tanya wasn't buying it. "Studying what? Nothing we are learning right now is that interesting."
"Biology. I've got that exam this week remember?"
"Yeah." The Yellow Ranger nodded, still not convinced, but willing to let the matter drop. "Do you want some company?"
"Sure." After Tanya left to get her books Kat dropped her head in her hands and sighed. Her friend was right. Nothing they were learning was that interesting, but she wasn't about to tell her housemate that what she'd actually been doing was staring blankly down at her biology textbook, while her mind recited the words of Billy's email for the hundredth time.
~~~
Thanks for the help, but don't come back for the rest of the week. I mean it. I can check for your access history, and I'll know if you do. You have the AP exam on Thursday. You should be studying, and you need sleep.
~~~
She'd been disappointed when she received it this afternoon. The message was abrupt, offering little in the way of forgiveness. **Did you really think that you'd repair a few systems and suddenly he'd feel like he could trust you again?** Still, it was an acknowledgement, which was more than she'd gotten the night before. Besides the more she replayed the words in her mind, the more she convinced herself that the endnote of concern meant that eventually the forgiveness would come.
Kat felt bad for not confiding in Tanya, but the whole thing was too difficult to explain. Every time she tried to put the situation into words, it came out sounding slightly absurd. How did you explain to others why unintentionally breaking a promise couldn't be fixed with a simple apology, especially when it wasn't something you could really explain to yourself?
Not that she needed an explanation, it was just inherent knowledge that came from her relationship with Billy, came from understanding how he no longer expected anything from his friends. It had taken so long for her to raise his expectations, and such a very short time to lower them again.
Knowing that if she let her thoughts go too far down this path she wouldn't get any work done tonight, the Pink Ranger got up to stretch. Her joints were launching protests against her immobility compounded by her lack of sleep. Rolling down so that her forehead rested against her legs and her arms were wrapped loosely around her knees, Kat took a few deep breaths and tried to let some of the tension drain out her body.
"I have to say that is most impressive."
Jerking up too quickly at the unexpected voice, Kat lost her balance and tumbled to the ground.
"I guess you didn't hear the doorbell." Tanya appeared beside her out of seemingly nowhere, her voice struggling to sound concerned over barely concealed amusement. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." Waving her off, the Pink Ranger sat up slowly. "I just thought I heard--"
"Hello, Kat."
"-Billy . . ."
Like some mirage, the former Ranger knelt in front of her, the expression on his face unreadable. "I'm sorry if I startled you."
Words, there were definitely supposed to be words, but sitting here on her bedroom floor staring into familiar green eyes that at the moment held only serious concern, she'd be damned if she could think of any.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Tanya waved a hand in front of her face.
The action broke whatever beautiful spell had held them, and Kat struggled not to glare at her housemate as Billy got to his feet. "I'm sure. Just a little dazed I guess."
"I came to help you study." The teen genius offered in answer to her unspoken question, as he extended a hand to help her up.
Taking it, more to convince herself that this wasn't wishful thinking than for assistance, she stood. "You did?"
"I promised I would."
"Oh." Kat flinched involuntarily at his words, at the unintended reminder that he had yet to break a promise to her no matter how much he loathed keeping it. Realizing that her hand still rested in his, she let go.
Apparently registering exactly what he had just said, Billy dropped his gaze and with it his momentary openness. "The AP exam is a pretty rigorous test. I just wanted to make sure that you were completely prepared." Turning, he moved to retrieve the backpack he had dropped by the doorway. "I don't know what Paulson's given you, but I brought some of my old notes and practice exams. I thought we could start there, just to get a sense of what you do and don't know."
He spoke in a sort of detached, vaguely clinical tone, like a hired tutor. Interested in seeing her do well only because it was his job. If she reached out to him would she be able to actually touch the walls he was putting up?
"Well, it sounds like you two have a lot of work to do, and exciting as I'm sure the digestive system is, I'll probably just be in the way."
Billy looked over from where he was laying out papers on Kat's desk. "You don't have to go, Tanya."
"Yeah, I think I do." Beating a hasty and somewhat awkward retreat out of the room, the Yellow Ranger stopped in the doorway to shoot a puzzled glance in her friend's direction. Kat shook her head to indicate that this was *not* something to be talked about later. Shrugging a little, Tanya rapped her knuckles against the doorframe, drawing Billy's attention. "In case I don't see you before you leave, have a nice night."
"Thanks, you too."
The Pink Ranger walked over to the space her housemate had just vacated, and very deliberately closed the door.
"Your parents would probably prefer that we leave that open."
Leaning against the door, she crossed her arms. "Actually my parents would prefer that we studied in the living room."
"We should go down there then."
"Doctor . . ." She put everything she had into the nickname, all her remorse and loneliness, all the regret and quiet desperation. With one word she got down on her knees and begged, ran to his arms and cried, raised her fists to the heavens and screamed. With one word she did all the things she would do . . . if only she were brave enough.
Resting his hands on the back of the chair, Billy stared down at the papers before him and sighed. "What do you want me to say?"
"Please, just tell me what I can do to make you less angry with me."
"I wasn't . . ." He shook his head, negating the statement, and tried again. "I'm not angry with you."
"But you're not forgiving me, are you?"
After a long pause, he looked up at her and whispered, "I'm trying."
Even as the ex-Ranger confirmed her fear, his eyes apologized. Capturing her gaze, they told her how he wished it could be different, wished it could be easier. Frankly she wished it too, mainly for him, but a little bit for herself as well. Still, this was a vast improvement from fifteen minutes ago when he wasn't speaking to her at all. Kat was not about to press for more. "Okay."
The quiet bark of unhappy laughter he emitted was almost explosive in its intensity, as though it had been fueled by something awful inside him. Sinking down onto the edge of her bed he sighed. "God, I'm acting like such a stupid little boy about this. I'm sorry."
Not knowing what else to do, Kat walked over and sat cautiously beside him, careful to leave plenty of space between them. "I think that's supposed to be my line."
"No." Billy shook his head, his eyes riveted on the floor. "No, I've already made you say it too many times, and I never doubted that part. You shouldn't have to say it again."
"I could say something else like . . . sometimes I open my mouth long before my brain kicks in, or . . . you should make a little device that shocks me before I go and do something dumb and hurtful . . ."
He actually chuckled a little at that. It was a beautiful sound. "You could tell me what major organ system I'd be affecting with that device."
"Peripheral nervous system." Kat replied looking over at him. "This is your way of changing the subject, isn't it?"
"You *do* need to study."
Recognizing that this wasn't something she was in any position to push him about, at least not right now, the Pink Ranger got up to start gathering her papers. "Then we should probably move down to the living room."
"Thank you."
Kat whirled around to stare at him in shock. "For what? Hurting you?"
"For being patient, for understanding that this might take a little while, even though I don't really understand that part, and . . ." Taking a shaky breath, he ran his hands through his hair. "I know you wouldn't have said whatever you said to Tommy if you didn't care, so in a way . . . yeah thanks for that, too."
Leaning back on the desk for support, Kat just looked at him, uncertain whether she should smile or burst into tears. **Damn you Doctor, you're supposed to be angry with me, not yourself** How did such a simple screw up become so incredibly complicated? "Billy, I ---"
He raised his hand to stop whatever she was going to say. "I need time. Bonds between amino-acids?"
Turning back around, so he wouldn't see the disappointment on her face, Kat answered. "Peptide?"
"Are you going to write the question mark on your exam, too?"
"Do you think they'd count off?"
"I don't know, but lets make it so you don't have to worry about that."
*****
"What is this?" Billy asked, walking into the room with an open pizza box in his arms.
Kat didn't look up from the free response question she was currently pondering. "From the smell I'd say it's the pizza I ordered, which is good because I'm starving."
"You actually ordered your pizza like this? Haven't you ever heard of pepperoni? Who eats this stuff?"
"Yes I did. I don't like pepperoni, and that stuff is called vegetables, something I'm betting you don't eat enough of."
"I know what they're called, but they shouldn't be on pizza. It's defilement."
"Well when you're the one cramming for an exam you're scared to death of, and it's your money you can choose the toppings. In the mean time, pick them off." She shot back, frustration giving her voice an unwanted sharpness.
"Fair enough." If her tone registered with him, Billy was doing his best not to show it. Coming up behind her, he set the pizza box down on the coffee table, careful to avoid the area that her papers currently occupied. "How's it going?"
"Slow." Dropping her pencil in momentary surrender, she reached for a slice and looked up at him. "I know I'm making progress, but I'm running out of time."
"Nonsense, it's only six. You've got at least four hours before I enlist Tanya's help in forcing you to get some sleep."
"At ten?! That is cruel and unusual punishment, especially coming from you of all people."
Looking completely unremorseful, Billy sat down in the overstuffed chair he had claimed, and reached for the question she'd been working on. "We've been at this for three days, Kat. I can promise you that tonight sleep will accomplish more than any study time that you lose. Besides, you are more than prepared for this exam."
"I don't feel like it."
"Kat, what's your grade in Paulson's class?"
"A-minus"
He looked at her intently. "Then you *know* this material. Paulson's tough. 'I don't give A's. They're earned" Kat smiled at his dead-on imitation of the rather imposing biology teacher, and Billy continued. "All I've been doing is refreshing your memory and getting you used to answering this type of question."
"Thanks for that."
"Well, I got you into this mess didn't I?"
Taking another bite of pizza Kat nodded solemnly. "You did, and this is certainly the least you can do for not warning me that sometimes he gives pop-quizzes two days in a row."
The former Ranger chuckled. "That sounds like something he'd do."
"What do you mean sounds? Did he not do it when you were in his class?"
Suddenly finding the question his hands extremely important, Billy sunk down in his chair and mumbled something indistinguishable.
"What?"
"I wasn't in his class."
"What do you mean? He told me you were one of his best students."
"I took the class independent study."
"I didn't think Paulson would let anyone do that. How did you get him to agree?"
Apparently registering that she was not going to let the subject drop. Billy sighed and set her paper down on the end table. "It was his idea. After three days he wouldn't let me stay in the regular class because in his words, it would have been a waste of time for both of us. So we worked out a deal. I did four projects of my choosing, one for each of the major topic categories covered in class. He graded them according to whether he thought they lived up to my potential."
Kat smiled, "That must have been perfect for you, a real challenge."
The young engineer just shrugged tightly. "I guess."
Leaning back against the couch, the Pink Ranger studied her friend. Something about the entire topic had struck a nerve with him, almost as though he were embarrassed. "What is it?"
"What is what?"
"What is it about taking Biology independent study that makes you tense up like that?"
For a moment she could see him considering her question, but then something changed and everything slammed shut, as though he had suddenly realized he was about to be open with her. Picking up her paper to signal that the matter was closed, he responded, "It's not important."
"Fine." She sighed. Needing to escape the sudden ten-fold increase in tension, Kat snatched up the now empty soda glasses, and made her way into the kitchen.
Well, that had gone well. **I really thought it might be better this time** But it wasn't. Every time she'd think that things were actually getting back to normal for them, something would happen to make him shut down. They would be going along just fine almost like usual, and then Billy would clam up, as though he was trying to keep himself from becoming too comfortable around her.
Kat didn't know what to do, but she knew one thing, it was getting old, and she was starting to lose some of that patience he had thanked her for on Monday. It would be one thing if he'd just yell at her, or let her try to explain, or even God forbid talk to her about it, but he wasn't doing any of those things. The result being they were stuck in some sort of emotional mire.
Yanking opening the freezer door, she began twist the ice-cubes loose from their trays, taking some sort of perverse pleasure in the way they clanked against the empty glasses as she dropped them in one by one.
"It was alienating."
For a moment she thought about not turning, about simply continuing to put ice in their cups, and letting him experience what it was like to talk to someone's back. It wasn't really an option. Closing the freezer door, the Pink Ranger turned slowly to look at him. "Yeah?"
Billy leaned against the doorframe, his hands shoved in his pockets, and his gaze focused very intently on the floor-tiles. "Yeah. Just one more reminder that I was different."
"What's so wrong with being different? That's part of what we like about you."
"No . . ." He shook his head. "I mean it was a reminder for everyone else. For about three weeks after that everyone was sort of . . . I don't know . . . hyper-conscious of the fact that I was working above their level, even some of the friends I'd made in the science club. It went away after a little while, but only because I was careful not to bring it up with anyone. Became a habit, I guess."
Kat nodded sympathetically. "I understand. When I was training for the Pan-Globals, I made a lot of friends on the diving circuit. They were all really great, but once I started winning competitions, they began to treat me differently --- nothing really definite, just this feeling. It didn't take me long to figure out that if I stayed away from talking about the most recent meet everything would be fine."
"Must have been hard."
"It was." Leaning back against the counter, she looked down at the spot he'd been staring at, trying to decide whether this was the right moment to push just a little. Sometimes she was really sure that if no one nudged Billy every once in awhile, he'd stay in the same emotional spot forever. "What made you change your mind about telling me?"
He was still for a long moment, and Kat was certain she had just made another misstep. Finally without looking up he replied, "I realized you're still you."
"Well that's . . . cryptic."
"It's true though. When you walked out just now . . ." Billy took a deep breath as though trying to steady himself. "I felt disappointed, and I couldn't figure out why until I realized that I *wanted* to tell you. No matter what, you're still the person I want to talk to. I don't know why I've been treating you like you're not."
"Because I hurt you."
"But even so . . . well not getting hurt again just seemed to matter a little less. Besides I know you, and you'd never hurt anyone intentionally if you could help it."
"Especially you." She added softly, and he smiled slightly at that. "Billy, I wish you would let me at least try to explain."
"I told you, you don't have to."
"But I want to." Not giving him a chance to stop her, the Pink Ranger continued, "I know it probably doesn't make a difference, but I really meant to let it go. Only I was talking with Tommy, and . . . he just made me *so* mad, and . . . it's completely not an excuse, but it's what happened."
"You lost your temper?" The disbelief in Billy's voice told her that the concept was one he found difficult to grasp.
"I thought Tommy told you we had a fight."
"He did, but . . . I never thought that you were actually mad, just . . . frustrated."
"Well I was frustrated, but I was also definitely angry."
"But why?"
There were tears now. Turning back to the counter she swiped them away with her hand, and answered shakily, "I realized how far apart the two of you have grown."
Coming to stand beside her, Billy rested his hands on the counter top. "That's not just his fault, Kat."
"But I already knew that about you, and I guess I just kept thinking that was the only reason. It wasn't until Tommy and I were talking that afternoon that I realized it was a two way street."
"And you got angry?"
Kat let out a pained little laugh. "Nothing quite like realizing your boyfriend isn't as perfect as you thought to make you say stupid things."
"Yeah, but for that . . ." Billy responded with a tiny chuckle and a sad shake of his head. "That's a pretty narrow pedestal you've got him up on, not much room for error."
She looked over at him and smiled, "Well, I'm working on building him something wider, closer to the ground."
"That's good." Pushing off the counter, the young engineer started to move out of the kitchen, but when he reached the door way he paused and turned back around. "You should know . . . Tommy stopped by to talk to me last night."
"About what?" Kat asked warily.
"Nothing in particular, just talk." Billy sighed and leaned back against the doorframe. "I think we actually made it four minutes before we hit silence. In the end I wound up reading him an email I got from Trini, and then he told me about everything he's planning for the prom. That's one thing I'll say for Tommy, he doesn't do anything halfway."
"No, he doesn't."
"Anyway, I thought you should know that he's trying. We both are." He smiled at her conspiratorially. "Does that give him a little boost back onto his pedestal?"
"Yeah it does. Thanks."
"Good. Now then Captain, when you come back out with those drinks, we can talk about why you have to draw diagrams for most of your free-response questions."
Kat frowned, "But they say you can't just use a diagram."
"No, you can't, but that doesn't mean that putting one down will hurt. If you draw one and refer to it correctly, it makes the explanation easier. I'll show you when you come out."
Dumping out the now partially melted ice, Kat went to open the freezer again, when it hit her. He called her Captain! He hadn't used the nickname since her fight with Tommy, and just then he'd said it without a thought.
She was going to ace this exam.
- + - + - + - + - + -
As always comments, criticism and suggestions are welcome.
Thanks for reading.
Note: AP stands for Advanced Placement a major exam given to high school students who wish to receive advance college credit in certain subjects.