Disclaimer: Still someone else's sandbox … still play here because its fun.
Author's Note: Despite my best efforts this part expanded beyond what it was originally envisioned to be, and I decided not to make you all wait for me to finish all 30 something pages of this part. Consequently it will be a multi-part part, much like Aftershocks was.
Timeline: This part takes place during Billy's aging, and two months after. Although I have made every attempt to stay within the basic structure of the episode, I have taken some artistic license. Anything after Billy's aging is nearly complete artistic license.
- - - - - -
"Okay, let's see what we got." Kat wiped the sweat from her face with the back of her arm, and pulled her self up on the steel bar running the length of the wiring conduit that both she and Billy had come to call "the spine," because it carried the primary responsibility of running commands from one end of the Zords to the other.
No matter, how much damage the Zords took, no matter how the battle went, "the spine" got checked every time for every Zord. It was too damn important. It didn't matter that Billy had thrown in hundreds of redundancy pathways through out the Zords, none of them had the power to run the commands as quickly. If the spine ever went, full out went … God, she didn't like to think about it.
The diagnostics for Miguel had come up relatively clean, but the electrical output was just a smidge lower than the previous readouts. Billy might have been able to tell whether it was something or nothing just from the readouts, but … well she wasn't Billy … and he …
Screw it.
Clamping her mind shut on that avenue of thought, Kat reached back to the tool bag slung over the bar and felt for the magnetic clamps that would allow her to simply attach the panel she removed to the one beside it, rather than having to lower it to the floor. Billy's attention to details like this never ceased to amaze her.
As her hand closed around the light metal circles, the image of her sandy-haired friend sketching the concept out for her on a napkin came unbidden to her traitorous mind. Swallowing hard, she blinked back the tears that threatened, and refocused on the task in front of her.
Shifting the panel over, she reached into the wiring, allowing her hands to move by touch and their own kind of memory. Unfortunately, that meant her mind was free to wander, and it wandered right back to the one place she wanted it to stay away from.
For all of Billy's meticulousness, she still had yet to figure out exactly why he'd failed to design a better catwalk, or even more to the point why he hadn't run the spine through a conduit where everything was easily accessible. But then she supposed that was Billy … never do something simply when you can make it complicated … never take it easy when you can make it hard on yourself … never share your burden when you can shoulder it alone …
Damn you … you stupid, selfish, isolated bastard …
Losing her fight against the tears, Kat slammed her hands up against the metal to steady herself, and gave in to the anger and sadness once again. Deep, shaking sobs overtook her, wracking her body, until she no longer had the energy to cry. Still she stayed fixed in that position, her eyes unfocused, her arms screaming in protest, as she worked to force her breathing back normal.
"Kat?"
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe …
"Kat?"
The tinny, electronic voice jerked her out of the near trance, and Kat had to clamp her legs around the pole to keep from falling.
"Kat, is everything all right?"
God, how long had she been here?
"I'm fine Alpha." She called out quickly to keep the little robot from worrying too much.
Double-checking the two small patches she had somehow managed to complete on autopilot, she moved the panel back into place, and made her way down.
"What's next on the list?"
Alpha looked up from the diagnostics he was currently running for her. Despite the robot's lack of any facial features, Kat suddenly felt a little like a young teenager telling her parents everything was fine at school despite bruises or tears or other outward signs that everything was just about as far from fine as it could possibly be. Somehow, the pause of movement and the slight tilt of his head conveyed the same mixture of concern and disappointment that seeped into every parent's face when they realized that their child was determined to try to manage this particular burden alone.
Irritated with the robot for making her feel guilty, Kat strode forward and impatiently looked over Alpha's shoulder.
Taking the not-terribly-subtle hint, Alpha pulled up the schematics and the diagnostic readouts for Lynn highlighting those items that were outside of "acceptable limits."
Even as they went through the list, prioritizing items and dividing up the work based on Alpha's capabilities, Kat's could feel the ire start to overtake her. Unwilling to let the little robot see her like this, she tapped one of the highlighted areas.
"I'll start on this."
"But this isn't the most critical!" Alpha exclaimed, once more managing to convey far more emotion than it seemed his abstracted form should be capable of. "There are at least three more vital …"
Already walking away to keep him from seeing the scowl on her face, she called back over her shoulder, "Don't worry, we'll get to them all tonight."
Whatever squeak or Ay-yi-yi or other expression of indignation and concern, Alpha might have muttered was lost in the thrum of the engines, as Kat made her way into the main core. Only once she knew she was out of sight did the Pink Ranger indulge her anger, slinging her tool bag to the floor with a satisfying clank, and even forgetting herself so much that she banged her fist against Lynn's interior wall.
She didn't cry this time. She was too damn angry to cry.
He had lied to her!
Alpha doesn't have the enough dexterity for these kind of repairs, my ass!
In the midst of all their brutal heart-wrenching honesty, Billy had sat and lied directly to her face. Nice and easy as you please.
Alpha was more than capable of assisting with the Zord repairs. True he couldn't manage those repairs in the upper decks, simply because the Zords had been built for a human body, but ground deck repairs, where all the of the major navigation sensors and stabilizers were, made up at least ten percent of the workload most nights. Not to mention having Alpha run the scans had sped up the entire process.
And Billy had lied about it all.
No, he didn't … and that makes you even angrier.
Kat sat back on her heels at that. It was true. As much as she wanted to believe otherwise, Billy hadn't lied to her, he'd never lied to her. She might feel better if he had. No, the truth was Billy simply hadn't thought of it, or more likely thought of it and then in some sort of twisted self-deception convinced himself that Alpha was incapable of helping.
It was scary how clearly Kat could understand exactly what had happened. Billy needed to be needed. He was so scared of finding out that he was as replaceable as one of the faulty chips, that he created new work, devised ways to keep himself busy, to make himself indispensable. In a way he'd sacrificed the last year of his life on an alter of self-love. As long as he stayed here in the chamber, he had a place, a purpose.
Yet, for all her anger, she couldn't help but feel grateful, blessed, and a little bit guilty for the situation. The fact that this work had so come to define him made his opening this world to her more intimate, more personal. Maybe that was why, despite her professed concern for his health and well-being, she'd never gone so far as to suggest that they bring in the rest of the team, and complete the work that much faster. As long as it was just her, she was special, significant … needed. In here, she had a place, a purpose, and him.
And he had me …
Kat gently twined her fingers in with the wires, letting her mind replace them with the memory of Billy's hand, desperately grasping hers as though trying to keep her, to keep them. It was like he'd known it was all about to slip away …
Maybe in a way she'd known it too, known that when she'd slipped her fingers in between his so definitively, connecting them in a way they'd never allowed both physically and emotionally, she was severing something as well.
Yet she had continued on with her daily life as though nothing had changed, constantly putting off dealing with the complicated morass of emotions in favor of tangible things --- finals, the latest threat, Tommy's competitions. Everything, no matter how trivial seemed to trump dealing with that one moment and all that it entailed. After all, they had all the time in the world.
Only now, with the twenty-twenty clarity of hindsight could she see the true naiveté of such conduct. They faced danger with frightening regularity and despite the incredible luck they'd had, there had been no reason to think they could beat the house forever.
Why had she gone on the way she had, never hinting at what had happened that night, never providing him with the slightest opening? She'd done nothing, just waited for him to bring it up. Like that was gonna to happen! Expecting Billy to force the question was like expecting her best friend to suddenly stop caring about the Zords. It went against everything he was. What had she been expecting? That he would suddenly show up at her house one night, and, no longer able to control himself, profess his love?
No.
But maybe she'd hoped ...
Snorting in disgust at her absurdity, Kat disentangled her hand from the wires. Sure, while you're at it, why not have him press you against the wall with hot, smoldering kisses? That'd be about as likely.
Shaking her head, the Pink Ranger negated that last thought. No, she didn't want … hadn't wanted Billy to do something so completely out of character. She'd neither expected nor wanted him to sweep her away like some dashing white knight. Hell, she hadn't even asked for being swept off her feet. She just …
She just wanted …
What had she wanted?
Okay, maybe just a little sweeping and a little dash.
No, she had never envisioned any of those scenarios. Instead, it had been simple things like they would reach for a tool at the same time, but this time Billy wouldn't let go, this time he'd just go on holding her hand, and look at her in way that would say it all. Still, whatever her fantasy, she had always been pursued.
Maybe that was what it really came down to, with Tommy she'd been the one doing the chasing, the one pining after him, making a fool of herself to the point that everyone knew exactly how she felt. When he'd asked her out, there'd been a thrill of victory, but also a kind of relief at finally being let down from the precipice of expectation they been perched on for so long, and maybe just the tiniest suspicion that she'd just finally worn him down. She hadn't wanted to go through that again, hadn't wanted to have to throw herself at another guy.
So many things she'd wanted or not wanted …
Now, all she wanted was him.
It's a little late to simplify now.
- - - - - -
Two months earlier …
Jason looked up as she teleported into the chamber, his eyes answering all her questions before she even got a chance to ask them. Billy was getting worse.
Kat closed her eyes and took a deep, steadying breath, which failed to calm her. It wasn't that Billy's decline was a surprise. She'd been shoring herself up for this from the moment she made the decision to teleport over here, but even so she'd expected something … some modicum of hope. There had always been hope before, yet there Jason stood before her, offering none.
Anger rose within her, forcing bile into the back of her throat, and she swallowed hard to stave off the nausea. She was angry with everything and everyone, furious at the futility of the situation, at Billy's attempt to play hero, at herself for laughing so casually with him this afternoon, at Zordon for not having a solution to this despite all his wisdom.
But at this moment, Jason suddenly provided a focus. Standing there, he became a lodestone for all her anger, drawing it to him. How dare he! How dare he be the one to pronounce Billy's chances, to play the protector? He had taken so much and now he wanted to guard what little was left?
"I want to see him." She stated flatly, the demand functioning as a kind of challenge to the Gold Ranger's self-appointed authority as guardian.
"I don't think that's a good idea Kat." Jason murmured gently. If he had heard the insolence in her voice, his expression gave no indication.
"I don't care what you think." She shot back, all her frustration and fear sharpening the words into knifepoints. "Somebody should be with him."
The Gold Ranger's features went hard. He'd heard the vitriol that time. "He's resting Kat, and I'm here."
You're not needed here.
The words were unspoken, but they hung in the air all the same, given voice by Jason's posture, by the way he'd shifted his attention back to the console.
Suddenly, she felt small, petty, unimportant. A few weeks ago, she would have been the one to first know something was wrong, the one to grant access, the one endlessly pouring over options, no matter how futile.
"I want to be with him." She pleaded quietly.
I need to be with him.
Closing his eyes, Jason dropped his head, and all the force rushed out of her anger, leaving her deflated and weak He looked so defeated, so tired, and she realized they were going through the same thing --- the same frustrations, the same inadequacies, the same inability to fight the thing that was taking away their loved one.
Taking a step forward, she rested a hand on his shoulder. "Please Jason …"
Shaking his head, her ever-confident teammate seemed to struggle with the words. "I'm not … that's not … Kat …"
Her name was raw on his tongue like it hurt to say it.
"What?'
"He doesn't want to see you." The confession came out in a rush, and Jason turned his face away, ashamed to be the messenger.
For a long moment Kat couldn't move. Nothing in her body would respond. She stood there stupidly, her hand still resting on Jason's shoulder, as though by not moving, she could freeze time, stop the words from leaving the air and settling in her mind where they would become all too real.
It was Jason who finally broke the tableaux. Turning to look at her, he forced her to accept what she'd heard, forced her to process it, forced her to react in the only way she could manage.
She slapped him.
"Liar!"
Catching her hand before it reached his face again, Jason just shook his head.
"No! You're a liar!" Kat repeatedly desperately, even as she could see the truth in his eyes, "I was just … we were just … this afternoon …"
"I know."
"We were happy …" She finished lamely.
"I know." Jason whispered, pulling her struggling form against him. He didn't speak, didn't try to explain or offer apologies or ask questions for which she didn't have answers --- he just wrapped his arms around her and let her beat at his chest.
She didn't cry. Ugly, dry heaves wracked her body, but no tears came. Standing there banging her fists ineffectually against Jason's chest like a petulant child, she remained dry-eyed. Everything in her wanted them to come, but they refused, as though some part of her knew they should be conserved, that later she would need all the tears she could muster and none could be spared now.
It scared the hell out of her.
When Kat's blows subsided, Jason silently thanked whatever patron saint watched over those who offered to comfort to angry women. The Gold Ranger had begun to think that if his teammate didn't stop soon, he would have no choice but restrain her; a move that probably wouldn't have accomplished much more than causing bruises on her wrists rather than his chest, not exactly an option he relished. Still, his ribs had started to scream that they couldn't take much more. The girl packed a hell of a punch. Kat's quiet demeanor and gentle nature sometimes made a guy forget that she was five-foot-six, a-hundred-and-thirty-pounds of solid, well-trained, muscle.
Stepping back slightly so that he could get a good look at her, the Gold Ranger frowned in dismay. Kat looked horrible --- chunks of hair had worked themselves loose from her ponytail without rhyme or reason, the usually beautiful pale-gold curls, hanging lank and lackluster like wet straw, her face was puffy and red from exertion, and her eyes had a sunken look about them made worse by the dark smudges beneath that indicated she'd been sleeping far too little. Hell, he didn't even know how she was still standing. After the beating the team had taken in battle, it would take days to recover and certainly be nearly impossible to fight sleep tonight. Otherwise they'd all be here, huddled together in a way that was both comforting and claustrophobia inducing.
Still, none of that particularly worried him. After all if he had expected anyone to show tonight it was her, and he was certain that he looked little better. What concerned him, was the fact that she hadn't really seemed to notice when he pulled away, even now her eyes were focused through him looking at something that no one but her could see.
"Kat." He spoke her name softly, deliberately, as he lowered his face to her line of sight.
She started a little and looked up, but her eyes held no recognition, no indication that her reaction had been to him.
"Maybe you should go home, get some rest." Jason suggested quietly, careful to keep his hands on her shoulders in case her reaction was unpredictable.
That seemed to get the Pink Ranger's attention. Twisting out of his grasp, she took a few steps back, wrapping her arms around her torso in a posture that was both vulnerable and guarded.
"No." She whispered quietly. Then seeming to come to some decision, she repeated the word more steadily, emphatically, "No."
At that moment, Kat reminded him very much of the animal whose name she shared. Usually so calm and unflappable, almost regal in her bearing, she had suddenly become mercurial and skittish. A hand came up to impatiently shove the hair, which had fallen in front of her face, back behind one ear. Her crystal blue eyes hissed and spat, seeming to threaten that if he came too close she might scratch.
At a loss as to what exactly was going on, Jason leaned back against the console and looked down at his shoes, as though they might provide the answer. From the moment Billy had made his impossible request, the Gold Ranger knew he had been dropped, blindfolded, into the middle of an emotional minefield.
Everything about this made perfect sense and no sense all at the same time. He had seen the special connection between his old friend and this impossible woman from the moment he first arrived. Obviously, she'd be angry, frustrated, and scared at the prospect of what was happening to her friend, but why hadn't she been here? Why hadn't she been the one to find him? Why hadn't he requested her? She who brought such as easy smile to the young engineer's face at the mention of her name, why blacklist her now?
There had been no anger in Billy's weakened voice, no indication that she had done something to deserve this exile. If anything, her name had been whispered with a kind of reverence and regret, the request made in desperation not anger.
It had made him distinctly uncomfortable, and now looking back on it Jason knew that the discomfort had as much to do with tenor of the request as the request itself. But at the time he had neither the heart to question it nor the guts to deny it.
Yet now, looking at the woman standing across the room from him, a million questions came to him. Doubt, which had already solidified into a heavy lump in his stomach, grew tenfold. She looked manic, shattered … anyone would be hurt by such a shut out, but this was something more …
"Kat?"
She met his gaze, and suddenly he no longer wanted to ask any of the questions that had come to him. One false move and he'd break her.
Instead, he asked. "Are you sure you want to stay here? There's really nothing to do, other than go a little crazy."
She met his wane smile with one of her own. "I think I might already be a little crazy."
"Yeah," He exhaled in a kind of not-quite chuckle, "I guess we all are."
"I want see him."
Damn.
He couldn't keep this up much longer. What little energy he had was being rapidly sapped, and he didn't even believe in what he was doing. Opting for something softer than a flat denial, he explained, "He's resting Kat."
"I'll just sit with him." She lifted her chin in a posture of defiance, but was betrayed by the tiny quiver that ran through her jaw.
"Maybe later." He conceded wearily.
"What later?"
Suddenly on guard, Jason's head snapped up.
"I don't know, tomorrow, a few hours from now, just later." He ground out, the last few words bitten off and spat at her.
"Tell me when."
"I don't know when. What do you want from me?"
"I want you to let me see him."
"I told you, later."
"Then tell me when that is."
He kept his mouth shut, refusing to participate in whatever twisted game she was playing.
"Tell me there will be a later."
"What?!?" His throat had gone dry with disbelief, she couldn't possibly …
"Come on Jason, just give me an appointment and I'll leave. Promise me that I can see him three hours from now, or tomorrow, or next week."
He opened his mouth and promptly clamped it shut again.
"You can't do it, can you?" Her voice was small, disappointed, all the bravado gone.
"What the hell do you want from me?!" Jason thundered, advancing on her in a way he didn't think himself capable of. So help him, he just might strike her.
"I want you to tell me Billy isn't dying!!"
Her shrill, desperate plea stopped him cold in his tracks, and he found himself mere inches from her, his right hand clenched tightly in a fist. For an infinitesimal moment he couldn't orient himself, couldn't figure out why his fingers, curled into the palm of his hand, wouldn't straighten. Then the full import of her words hit him like a punch in the gut, causing him to double over in response. The floor tilted and swam before his eyes as the carefully constructed self-lie, keeping everything together, shattered.
"God, Kat." The growl of accusation came between forced, slow breaths as he fought back the nausea. Parts of him couldn't believe what she had just done. No part of him wanted to believe it. With those few words, the Pink Ranger had shredded one of the cardinal team rules --- never acknowledge death.
Unlike the code of behavior Zordon had handed down on their first day, this rule went unspoken, acknowledged only in the way everyone followed it. To speak of it would have broken the rule itself, and the silence gave it a power and life all its own. They all adhered to it with a near ferocious tenacity as though by mentioning the possibility they would invite it. Even now, looking up at her from his hunched position, he half-expected a flash of horror or apology to cross her face as the magnitude of her action sank in … but it never came.
Instead she looked down at him almost complacently; a strange, enigmatic smile that was an incongruous mixture of sadness, triumph and desperation, marred a face he used to think of as beautiful; fingers digging too hard into her upper arms, the only real indication of her own personal hell.
"Please Jason." The plea came in a whisper, soft, apologetic, but no less resolved.
The Gold Ranger turned his head away in disgust --- disgust at her selfish need that trampled on everything, disgust with Billy for making a request that so unhinged her, disgust with the two of them for forcing him to close his eyes to something that shouldn't exist. Mostly though, he was disgusted with himself because he knew that if anything happened to his old friend, he would hold the woman standing in front of him responsible because she had grieved too early.
"Go."
Low and hoarse, the command was nearly unintelligible, and Kat, unsure she had really heard anything, stood dumbly in the middle of the room, only jerked out of her near trance, by the sharp gasp of air that told her Jason was fighting back tears. God, how had she sunk so low, verbally destroying her teammate like this?
"I --" She ventured uncertainly but just as quickly stopped. There was nothing she could apologize for, nothing she wanted to take back. She was so damned tired of everyone and their damn pretenses, all the careful effort not to let their world spin out of control.
"God dammit! Will you just leave?" No louder than before, Jason's words now had a near physical force to them. "Go home, go see him. Wake him up for all I care. Just … get … out."
The last three words fell like blows, propelling Kat backwards. Shutting her eyes to her handiwork, she turned on her heel and half walked, half ran out of the room.
- - - - - -
To be continued.
Thank you for reading. As always, comments and criticisms are appreciated and welcomed.
Panache
P.S. Because of my rather sporadic posting habit, I decided that it would probably be a good idea to put together an update email alert for this fic. If you would like to be receive update notices please email me at