Author's Note: I don't own Firefly. I wish I did. But if I did, Serenity would have ended differently and this fic wouldn't exist in the same way.
This is a one-shot vision of Zoe's thoughts, a few months after Serenity. Spoilers for the movie, speculation on the future.
o-o-o-o-o-o-o
I wanted to protect you. But I couldn't. I had to watch while you were slammed out of my life as suddenly as you burst into it. I wasn't ready to lose you, baby. I couldn't protect you, I failed. I can't bear the knowledge that I lost you.
Much as I wanted it, wanted it even more so in those first sharp days after Miranda, I didn't think I was ready. Thought maybe you'd been right after all. That it was too risky. Didn't think I was ready that morning I counted the days and saw I was missing my courses. Didn't think I could be mother and father both to that child I've so longed to meet.
I know now, I was. I was ready to meet that child, to grow it up right as best I could without you. But I wasn't ready for that first sharp pain in my belly. Weren't no warnings, just quick sharp pain and then …
Then the sadness in the doctor's eyes, telling me I ought not blame myself, that even in his best Alliance hospital gigs, miscarriages just would happen sometimes.
Then River, so silent with her eyes so wide. Even she couldn't find no cryptic words for this.
Then Kaylee's tears soaking through my jacket as she hugged me tight with the doctor lookin' on.
Then the cap'n, with eyes darker 'n sadder than I'd seen 'em since the war, putting a hand on my shoulder in an awkward burst of comfort.
Then just the knowledge that again, I'd failed to protect what I loved.
It was hard enough when I'd lost you only once.