BIGASS A/N – SKIP IT IF YOU REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT, BUT THE WHOLE ESSENSE OF THIS STORY IS TO GET MY OPINIONS ACROSS

The first thing you need to know about me is that I'm a BIG Quall fan. Hell, I would fuck a Quall if I were able to. The reason why I'm a Quall fan is because Quistis gets a very nominal role in FFVIII and her angst is overlooked. Yes, angst. Not Eikothe6yearoldloveszidane angst, but realistic angst. One with half a brain should be able to realize this, but clearly, some hardheaded fanfic writers/readers just can't put one and one together.

Another reason I love Qualls is because I hate Rinoa. Rinoa is complacent and naïve. Complacent in the fact that she thought (in disc 1) that she could walk up to the goddamn sorceress and give her some damned pendant. Wow, she's so fucking bright, huh? And naïve, because… well, why would someone like Rinoa be attracted to someone like Squall? Besides the fact that he may be attractive, but other than that, it just doesn't work. Rinoa's personality clashes with Squall's. Thank god they're only 17 – when they get older, it's obvious that their relationship won't survive. Even the reasons why Squall fell for Rinoa are sketchy. Squall, up until Rinoa supposedly 'dies,' regarded Rinoa as he regarded Selphie or Zell. Then, all of a sudden, he gets all whiny over Rinoa, even thought they've probably known each other for what, a month? I really can't accentuate enough on how the relationship would NEVER last. What pissed me off even more is all the mushy mumbo-jumbo Squall coaxed Rinoa with. "I'll always be your knight." What the fuck? You're a goddamn teenager – stop talking with your fucking dick and use your head.

Despite what you may think about what you've read above, I respect each and every Squinoa writer and reader. Most of them are mature enough not to get in the way of my own beliefs for whatever reason they may like Squall and Rinoa as a couple, but some reader's/writer's comments just are unbelievable. For example:

Squall and Rinoa are already a couple, what's the point in writing about Quistis and Squall together when they know it would never happen? – it's called fanfiction, hon. Quistis and Seifer showed no sort of interest in each other and had very little interaction with each other, but what do you see flooding the FFVIII fanfic page? Quifers. If fanfiction had to be based solely on the damned storyline of FFVIII, then, honestly, who the fuck would read out of it? Jesus.

Quistis already said she didn't really love Squall and Squall doesn't love Quistis – The first comment is bullshit. Quistis may have said her love to Squall was 'sisterly,' but is there a reason why good ol' Instructor Trepe can't lie? Quistis already realized the latter comment, and that was why she said that shit in the orphanage. Squall may not appear to like Quistis in the game, but there are umpteen subtle hints in the game that can lead to a great Quall. Besides, what IS the point of reading a fic stressing Squall and Rinoa's love when the game already depicts it in an already overly cheesy fashion? I guess some people don't have a goddamn imagination and are easily amused.

I'd be satisfied by just publishing my A/N, but since the FF.net rules are to write stories and the like, I guess I'll write a Squinoa. Keep in mind I have better things to do than read Squinoas, and basically the following story is just what I think any given, cliché Squinoa would be like. Enjoy. Who knows, maybe both anti-Squinoa AND Squinoa fans will like it. Or maybe everyone will hate it. But hey, I'll have a grand old time poking fun at people who poke fun at me. Keep in mind that I wrote this halfassedly, only trying to bring up dry humor here and there.

_________________

Squall Leonhart decided, from the influence of television and mushy romance novels, that he would write Rinoa Heartily a love letter. His gauche judgment was excusable, however, since what hormone driven boy didn't feel the need to impress a girl, even if he embarrassed himself in the process?

Needless to say, he did feel a nagging voice in the back of his head give him doubts.

"No, Squall, you're too timid! She loves you, and I need to show her how much I love her!!!!!" Squall exclaimed to himself. "No more crazy, antisocial Squall!"

Squall, of course, blinded by infatuation, couldn't see the burning irony in his comment. He began writing.

To my queen and my one true love,

You make my heart flutter like a dove.

I don't know how to express myself when I'm crazy for you,

The mere thought of you will not do.

Kiss me like I want you to so badly

And I'll kiss you back very madly.

My hearts is yours,

But it's covered in sores

So can you heal it?

And make it all fit? …To love you.

Squall read over the poem, and, satisfied with it, penned his name in frilly cursive and drew a lumpy heart next to his signature. Squall got out a florid envelope used to mail-in SeeD acceptance forms and put his love letter in it.

Those envelopes are expensive, but my love for Rinoa is priceless. Squall thought to himself. …Damn, I love her so much…

Squall headed to the cafeteria, in search of his soon-to-be-lover.

_________________

Rinoa read the poem and her smile broadened after finishing each other line. After finishing the poem, she looked up to Squall, who was eyeing her anxiously. For some reason or another, Squall didn't think a teenage girl like Rinoa wouldn't be completely flattered when a guy sends her a boyband-esque love letter.

She jumped into his arms, and embraced him tightly, squealing into his shoulder.

"SQUALL I LOVE YOU!!!!" she chirped loudly, in a valid attempt into getting everyone in the cafeteria's attention. Everyone watched Rinoa slobber over Squall's cheap leather jacket.

"I-I love you too…" Squall replied lamely. The whole cafeteria continued staring, bemused. Pindropping silence filled the cafeteria.

Rinoa, pretending to notice everyone watching for the first time, took a peak above Squall's shoulder.

"Squall, I think we need some…" she glared. "…Privacy," she remarked loudly. Squall, feeling unusually numb, nodded and they walked out of the cafeteria.

From the hallway, Squall could swear he heard laughter coming from the Cafeteria.

_________________

The couple entered Squall's dormitory. Rinoa turned to him and frowned.

"Squall…"

"Yes?"

"This is my first time," Rinoa sprawled onto Squall's bed.

"What…?"

"It's my first time…"

"First time what?" Squall didn't understand what Rinoa was getting to. No, really, he didn't know what Rinoa was getting to.

"You know… sex…?"

Squall froze. Sex? Squall, in all honesty, didn't know how to have sex.

"Well, I've watched Paris Hilton's sex tape and all, so I think I know how to do 'it,'" Rinoa offered Squall a grin. Squall stayed rooted to the spot. "Oh c'mon Squall, don't resist! I know your Gunblade is excited at the thought.

"My Gunblade?" Squall stared. "I… My, my Gunblade is in my case?" Rinoa stared blankly at Squall. Squall couldn't help but quail at her stare. "What?"

"Squall, stop playing innocent and get your horny ass over here…"

"But, I—"

"SQUALL!"

To make a long story short, like a fortune cookie once given to Dave Attel said, "You're hilarious………………………………………………… in bed."

To be continued

_________________

I might include some scenes of Squall and Rinoa's 'love-making' in the next chapter, since I can't think of anything amusing to add in a marriage proposal. Until then, be well.

-- Bad Wilbur