Another BWAN (which can either stand of 'Bitchingly Wordy Author's Note' OR 'Bad Wilbur's Author Note' … heh… and YES, I thought of that up all by myself.)

Wow. Even MORE reviews. WOW! Thank you guys so much! And no flames yet – wow!! I love you guys so much! Anyway, since there wasn't any sort of gauntlet thrown down by reviewers or people that have contacted me in other means, I guess I'll just be content in saying you guys kick ass! To my Quall-shipping reviewers – don't worry, we'll somehow popularize Qualls… somehow. ahem Maybe we should start it out by actually writing them.

I just need to comment on Thyamant's second review: I really do need ideas. I don't know how to make this chapter funny, at all. I read through the fic and I still found it just utterly stupid – I'm amazed so many people literally laughed out loud. Well, thanks to those people anyway. :) Again, I love you guys so much!

I'm sorry if this chapter disappoints you. Again, please drop off your ideas in reviews. It's greatly appreciated.

It was 5:13 in the morning. Squall was in his bathroom, with a wooden standard issue Garden ruler. He sat onto the countertop, naked, looking at his reflection awkwardly, and making faces. Then he looked down.

"Penis," Squall said out loud. The word bounced off of the tiled walls, and echoed through his ears. Squall blinked, and then started laughing. For whatever reason, Squall continued saying the word, and following it up with laughter.

Needless to say, the laughter was indeed uncharacteristic laughter coming from Squall Leonhart, although no one knew how he sounded like when he laughed naturally.

Once Squall got back to his senses, he took his ruler and aligned it with his penis. 3.32 inches. Squall continued gaping at his penis, and the prodded it with the end of his finger. What exactly did 'hard' mean?

"Hard," Squall said out loud. "Hard. Harrrrd. Hard." He said again. And again and again.

Somehow, Squall didn't find this funny. Groaning, Squall went outside of the bathroom into his small room. He put on a fresh set of clothes and sat down on his desk to write a couple of words onto a pad of paper. The list consisted of the following words:

Hard

Ignition

Don Juan

Talking Dirty

Three Inches

Squall read through the list again, muttering each of the words under his breath. Squall could logically connect 3 inches to his penis, but why was it bad? … Were penises supposed to be smaller? Or bigger? And how did Rinoa oh-so accurately estimate that his penis was indeed three inches long? And what did the other words mean? Squall furrowed his brow, and recited the words in his head.

He knew that there was only one way to find out: Irvine.

Squall wasn't stupid enough to realize that he needed to fabricate excuses to prevent any further embarrassment on his part – somehow, he needed to ask Irvine for the definitions without arousing any sort of suspicion. But how? Squall furrowed his brow in thought. Nothing came up.

Or maybe… Squall could blackmail Irvine somehow. How, was the question. Squall's mind quickly bounced onto other possibilities, including asking Zell… or Selphie… or Quistis.

Quistis.

Quistis was the intellect – she knew everything. And she was the urbane intellect, which made her the ideal person for Squall to ask about the terms. Squall smiled to himself. Hugging the notepad to himself, Squall dozed off and fell into a light slumber.

Elsewhere in the Garden, Rinoa was weeping. Because Rinoa wasn't an official member of SeeD, Rinoa's room was supposedly and temporarily in the library. However, since it was still night time, all Garden staff refused to let Rinoa in the library – or anywhere, for that matter.

Except for the training center.

As Rinoa wept, she attached her weapon of choice (whatever the hell that thing is) onto her hand and stumbled into the training center. Thinking that she would be able to get a piece of mind in the secret area after all of the 'stress' Squall put her through, Rinoa walked directly into a T-Rexaur mating ritual. She gasped in shock to see so many T-Rexaurs in one place. As two were supposedly 'making love,' at least six others were dancing around the couple, watching them. Rinoa winced. How was she going to get past them? Their ritual was RIGHT IN FRONT of the entrance to the secret area. She sobbed to herself.

"Funny if someone's having a 'ritual' of their own in the secret area, and then when they get out of it, they stumble into a group of horny Rexaurs?"

Rinoa gasped and turned to the voice. It was the Joker – the man that hung around the secret area to sell items for no reason whatsoever. Rinoa glared.

"What are you doing here?"

"Watching them have sex." the Joker said, as if it was a no-brainer. "What did you think I was doing?"

Rinoa rolled her eyes. "What-ever." she said in her best 'Squall-voice.' "You are such a perv."

Joker looked somewhat surprised at Rinoa's comment, and shrugged coyly. He then proceeded to watch his feet.

"Rinoa?" It was another familiar voice. She turned, and Quistis Trepe, clad in her SeeD uniform, walked into sight. She was holding her Save the Queen by the handle.

"QUISTY!" Rinoa squeaked. She ran up to her and hugged her tightly. Then she started sobbing into her arm. "QUISTY… SQUALL'S SO MEAN TO ME!" she whined.

Squall. This immediately triggered Quistis' interest. "Squall? How so?"

"I THINK SQUALL'S GAY!!!!" she choked.

Quistis froze. Squall. Gay. Quistis' mind immediately flashed back to all of her endeavors of getting Squall's 'love.' She whimpered. Was it because of her? Was it… was it…? Quistis robotically patted Rinoa on her back. "…Why do you think he's gay?"

"BECAUSE… HE… well, we tried having sex, but he played stupid and pretended he didn't know how to have sex just to avoid sex with… me!!!"

There was a brief pause. Quistis blinked as Joker laughed in the background. "Wait. Rinoa, how do you know that Squall doesn't know how to have sex?"

"What guy doesn't know how to have sex?" Joker answered for Rinoa before she doubled up on even more sobs.

"Touché!" Quistis said enthusiastically, as if Joker and Rinoa were in a classroom with her. Added to that fact that maybe Squall didn't like Rinoa after all.

Rinoa stopped crying. "No… actually, I think he doesn't know how to have sex. Uh, Quistis, could you… could you teach him how to have sex?"

"Excuse me?" Quistis was taken aback to the offer. "Rinoa, I'm really busy… you see those T-Rexaurs there? I need to take them on, to regulate T-Rexaur population… I can't teach Squall how to have—" Then it dawned on Quistis. Rinoa offering her an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to teach Squall Leonhart how to have sex. "…Actually… okay, Rinoa, I will. I will. …Then you can, uh, have sex with him afterward. Okay?"

"GREAT!" Rinoa gave Quistis a tight hug and then walked out of the training center. Quistis, laughing to herself, followed suit.

Squall was sitting alone in a cafeteria, and for the first time, eagerly awaiting Quistis' arrival. He purposely sat at one of the two-seated tables, hoping his other friends would leave him alone. Indeed, when Irvine and Selphie looked for a table, they slowly passed Squall's. And that was good, because he surely didn't want both Irvine and Selphie to overhear him talking to Quistis.

To Squall's dismay, Quistis walked into the cafeteria with Rinoa. Squall was afraid of how Rinoa would react after their incident. Also to his dismay, Rinoa and Quistis walked toward his table. Fearing for the worst, Squall pretended he didn't see the two, and laid his head down onto the table.

"Squally? SQUALLY!" Rinoa said, shaking him. Squall, who was pretending to be asleep, then pretended to wake up.

"Oh, hi Rinoa," he said innocently. Quistis heartily chuckled.

"Squall… I understand what happened last night, and I'm not mad at you for it. So… I got Quistis to help you learn how to have sex."

"What?" Squall said, in a daze.

"What?" Quistis said simultaneously. She started giggling.

"No!" Squall said, starting to protest. "You can't do this to me!" he roared. A silence dawned over the cafeteria as everyone watched Squall yell. Quistis, noticing this, covered her face with her hands.

"YES I CAN! I'M YOUR GIRLFIREND, SQUALL!"

"DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO CONTROL MY LIFE, RINOA HEARTILLY!"

Wide-eyed, Quistis looked up at the couple. They were oblivious to everything else in the cafeteria.

"Well, SOMEONE'S GOTTA TEACH A HAIRBAG LIKE YOURSELF HOW TO HAVE SEX! YOU'RE 18, FOR CHRISSAKES!!!"

Squall didn't know how to counter Rinoa's rebuttal, so he merely glared at her. Rinoa faltered at his glare, and then casually looked elsewhere.

Scores of faces looked back right at her. She gasped. Squall then craned his head slightly, to the cafeteria tables. He didn't gasp, but his sense of pride died right there.

The lunch bell conveniently rang in the middle of the stilted silence, and chatter immediately followed afterwards. Although the couple were numb to the waist down, they could obviously hear their names amidst the chatter. Quistis, seeing that both Squall and Rinoa were faced away from her, took the chance and sprinted toward the back exit of the cafeteria.

Smiling to herself, she shook her head. How cute, she thought to herself. Once Quistis reached the exit, and made sure that the door was safely closed behind her, she looked toward the sky, and tried to imagine the two as an old couple.

She couldn't.

I know what you're thinking, 'That wasn't funny.' I just thought this would open up some new possibilities for this story to actually become funnier.

And note, as much as I hate Squinoas, this will remain a Squinoa 'til the bitter end. Bastardizing and torturing relationships like this is fun.

I love Quistis, but be prepared for some Quistis bashing… or not. It depends on whether you guys give me better ideas… hint.