BWAN (10-22-05): holy shit guys, it's been like… what, more than a year since the last update? Yep. I've made a cryptic return to fanfiction, and the first thing I decide to do is update one of the most trite fics, not only in the history of my cough "ouevre", but the history of fanfiction. Counting all those obscure AU Kingdom Hearts Squffie fics by stupid authors that get way too many reviews! Or maybe that section has improved since the last time I've decided to read out of it? I don't know really, because I haven't been up to date with fanfiction at all – which might not be a terribly good thing, because contrary to my former beliefs, Marigold Futura is NOT dead and is in fact 'updating' her fic. And I haven't read her latest chapter.

Hopefully this chapter will be, uh, up to 'par' with all the others. Although I have been rather idle in fanfiction, I have been honing the aesthetic subtleties of sexual innuendo over the past year or so. Enjoy.

Okay – one more thing before I continue on. I have grown out of video games. The most recent video game I bought was FFX-2 about two years ago. The only reason I touch my PS2 is to either watch punk rock DVDs, Amelie (the movie), or (in rarer instances) to play blitzball. So, if I miss some of the more polished points of FFVIII minutiae, forgive me.

A rather loud game of telephone ensued after students burst through the cafeteria doors. Rumors upon rumors spread even amongst people that were present. Arguments broke out, and people were getting charismatic about it enough to arm wrestle over new gossip. The gossip circles of freshmen girls formulated everywhere, tightly knit into raspy, harsh whispers.

There was a prominent gossip circle that wasn't discussing Squall and Rinoa, however. They, in fact, were sitting quietly next to each other, oblivious, in the library. There were three of them, huddled over their portion of their desks, scribbling.

"Sam! Sam!" a girl squealed. She was wearing horn-rimmed glasses, and had her greasy hair tied into pigtails. "Look!" She held up a piece of paper.

A dark boy, on the chubby side, turned quickly at the paper and gaped. He chuckled lightly to himself.

"Whoa, Leslie, that's a great sketch of Q-Qweh-Quistis!" he stammered over Quistis' name. Once he hammered her name down, he immediately started blushing, hard. "Argf," he tried to say something, but his throat was closing up. He was gagging.

"Oh no, I think Sam's going through his upper body lapse," squeaked the other boy. He had a helmet of blonde hair and a rather pale complexion. He didn't sound too worried.

"I… I'm sorry. She's just so… perfect." Sam gathered enough courage to peer sheepishly back at the sketch Leslie made – of Quistis in a rather seductive battle pose. The other two watched the sketch with him. "You know what? Any guy would be lucky to have her, that's what!"

"… Yeah… I think I would marry her too…" Leslie said in a rather high, yet fast voice.

"Yopu're gay!" Sam roared incredulously.

"Why are you surprised?" the other boy said.

"What's that supposed to mean, Ron?" Leslie glared.

"Hey, I don't blame you, okay? If I were a girl, I'd fantasize about having hott (AN: count them, TWO "Ts"!) lesbian sex with Quistis too!" Ron said in a grotesque form of triumph.

Leslie and Sam both gave Ron an uncomfortable glance.

"What?"

"…So… is it obvious that I'm… gay?"

"DUH!" another voice rang out from the entrance of the library. It was a girl with beach blonde highlights over her hair that was already blonde. Her voice had a valley-edge. "All Trepies are gay! Even the male ones! I mean, Quistis is a nerd and her face totally looks like a block of wood! She totally needs to get laid! Heck, all of her little smarty-pants friends need to get laid!"

"… What?" Leslie said in an icily disgusting voice.

"Oh, of course," she rolled her eyes. "I should know that the Trepies are just… so totally out of touch. And you didn't hear about Squall Leonhart. Him, and Rinoa."

"Frankly, we don't care," Leslie remarked glumly.

"Even worse!" the girl gasped.

"Oh… just… shut up. This is a library," Sam retorted.

"Oh. Well, you're right, I don't know why I'm hanging out here when news of Squall Leonhart losing his virginity to an artificially inseminated pregnant dog could be breaking out any second. Ta!" And with that, she left.

Leslie snorted.

"Looks like some people are just really, really desperate," Ron said.

"No shit."

Quistis was inside her dormitory, contemplating about Squall the way she usually did. This time, she was asking herself the difficult question of whether or not she could actually get away with having sex with Squall. And stealing his virginity from not only Rinoa, but also himself. The thought just made Quistis smile venomously.

And she was serious when she said, "I should give it some time" out loud.

Just then, there was a sharp knock at her door.

Oh, fuck!

Before she got up, the knocking continued, in a much more abrupt fashion.

"I'm coming!"

More repeated knocking.

Quistis opened her door, and a rather cheery looking Selphie was looking into her face.

"Hi!"

"Hey…"

"Well, I heard—"

"Yes, I know… everyone must have by now, huh?"

"No, no, you see, Squall told me that you were going to teach him how to have sex…"

"Wait. What?"

"… So I thought – hey, why don't I help Quisty help a friend in need?"

"What?" Quistis sounded flabbergasted. "But Selphie, Selphie. … Selphie… you've had sex?" her voice ended rather coolly.

"Oh, Quisty," Selphie was blushing. "Let's not talk about it."

"Wait! Who?"

"Quisty!"

"Irvine?"

"QUISTY!"

"Oh… gross."

Selphie pouted. "Quisty!"

"Who else?"

"No one!"

"Seifer?"

"… Wait, how'd you know that."

Quistis shrugged. "I just guessed." She pensively looked off to the distance to process all of this new information. And then her curiosity evoked the best out of her. "Do you use that ridiculous pet name, 'Irvy,' while you have sex wi—"

"QUISTY! SHUT UP!"

Squall was in his room. He started talking to his wall.

"What do they know? I don't know how to have sex? God almighty, I'm a grown man. If I know how to save the whole world, then surely I know how to have sex, right? Isn't it just an instinctive thing?"

He looked down…

"Pee… pee-nis. Penis."

… And smiled.

"Right. I just need to loosen my nerves when the situation comes to me. I don't need lessons from Quistis. I'll show her that I can have sex! … Among other things."

"So, I was thinking that for lesson plans, we'll need to take it step by step," Selphie said. She was sprawled on Quistis' bed, having already made herself rather comfortable. Quistis was sitting tensely at her desk.

"Er, yeah. I was thinking—"

"Maybe we should read erotica to him and see if he gets stimulated. You know, he might be impotent."

Quistis blinked. "Uh… what?"

"And if that doesn't work, I have some gay erotica. Seifer hid a stash in my room," she said casually as she buried herself in Quistis' blankets. Quistis could clearly see her period stains on the blanket, and internally conflicted with herself over the matter. Should she just pretend that everything is okay, or scream, take back her blankets, and then join the circus?

"…Interesting…" she said after an awkward silence.

"Before we try to scientifically explain it, I think we need to introduce certain things to him…" Selphie chuckled shrilly. "EEEEEE, Quisty, let's go teach Squall his first lesson now!"

FUCK! She thought in her head. More competition! Whatever were Selphie's motives, Quistis didn't expect anyone to willingly embrace the prospect of teaching Squall sex. She was jealous.

Squall was attempting to comb his pubic hairs straight when there was a knock at the door. Squall jumped at the knock, and nimbly yet clumsily started pulling on his clothing.

"FUCK, I'm coming, okay?" Squall said agitatedly.

"SQUALL!" It was Selphie. Squall rolled his eyes. "Hurry up, it's important!"

"Whatever…" he said as he opened the door. Sure enough, Selphie was at the door. Quistis was standing cautiously to the side, avoiding eye contact.

"Squally!" Selphie gave Squall a hug. "We're going to have our first lesson, now!"

"Oh! Great…" Squall let Selphie hug him as he watched students walk behind Quistis, for the opportunity to leer at them. He rolled his eyes again. Squall was excited, although he still had a sinking feel of dread in his stomach. He didn't know what they were going to do. He looked back at Quistis. Her arms were folded, and she was drumming her fingers against her arms. Her eyes were fixed on a crack in the cement. "… Yeah, so what are we doing exactly!"

Selphie let go and gave Squall a perplexing look. "Haha! You're so silly… we're gonna learn how to have sex!" Selphie answered rather loudly, loud enough to attract gazes from people passing. "Come on, let's get in the car!" And with that, Selphie excitedly rushed the two to the garage amidst a sea of stares.

Yeah, cliffhanger… so what will Squall's first sex lesson like? Where is Rinoa in this?

Are you bored? Get into indie rock. Or Kanye West! Life, man. Life. Sijsufijf. Okay, since I can't find someone I can fully confide with, I will confide with you. I am female. And the only huge huge crush I've ever had was on this other girl, and she gets fucking annoying, she's insecure as fuck (which contributes to how annoying I see her as), annnnnd… she would never ever like me. My friends are always like "omg who do you like?" and … why don't I tell them? Cuz when they ask, they're always "who is HE HE HE" (as in being male, not laughing) so. Yeah. And it's not like I think I'm a lesbian or whatever, but you know – people just love love love generalizing, you know? And I trust my friends – it's just that I think that they'd disown me. Or something. Yeah. Oh yeah, I also have a crush on my chemistry teacher who is 50. Score… I suck at life.

Well, yeah. I'll update soon, most likely. No promises though.