Queen's Own: Reviews are at an all time low. This chapter was posted out of the goodness of my heart. For I am a starving artist. The beginning of this is basically a big ball of fluff. Read it, live it, love it. I'm pretty sure it's the last you're going to see.
Note: Gryphon's Stair is more commonly known as Chinese Staircase. Obviously, I had to change the name since Jay and Malkum have no idea where China is.
Disclaimer: If I were Misty and I owned all this, I would have sent it to a publisher, and be making money off it, instead of babysitting.
Chapter Ten: Of Leaving and Lying
Jay squinted, trying to make the best of the fading light. She brushed damp hair out of her eyes absently, knotting together two pieces of string she'd found at the bottom of one of her packs. The damp grass tickled her legs and stomach as she propped herself on her elbows, watching knot after knot transform into a spiraling bracelet.
A bare foot came into her line of sight, and she smiled up at Malkum. He smiled back, raking back wet hair with one hand. She brushed a few drops of water that had fallen from his hair and bare chest from her arm and extended a hand. He obliged, pulling her to her feet.
"Done with your bath?" she asked, smiling.
"After someone left me, lonely it was," he replied.
"You take more time bathing than most girls I know," she retorted. "I got bored."
"Bored? With me?" Malkum smiled. "How is such a thing possible? That with string you replace me?" He took the knotted string from her fingers.
"It's called Gryphon's Stair," Jay said, watching his fingers explore the knots. "My sisters taught me when we used to have to sit inside on rainy days. I think it was to keep me from giving everyone a headache; I was a restless kid."
"Only then?" Malkum feigned shock. She swatted at him and missed. He came after her, and she ran behind the Waystation. Laughing and shrieking, they chased each other around for a while, until Malkum finally caught her. He pulled her against him. She buried her face in his chest.
"You're getting me wet," she said, voice muffled.
"Miss you, I will," Malkum said softly, ignoring her. Jay tried to convince herself that the water she was blinking away was from Malkum's bath, not her tears. But she knew it wasn't true.
"I love you." She looked up at him, capturing his lips in a long, sweet kiss.
One thing led to another as such things often do, and the conclusion was inevitable. Yet while often couples will then fall back into the arms of sleep, these lovers didn't want to waste precious time in sleep. Weeping and playful banter alternated in the blink of an eye. Tears and touches were exchanged in the same moment.
But emotions exhaust as few other things will and, in the very early hours of the morning, they surrendered to the arms of sleep. Dena and Kenin had slept outside, and therefore had gotten more sleep than their humans. They woke earlier, as well, and, unwilling to wake the sleeping lovers, they stole those few minutes to talk.
:Your mindspeech can't reach Haven,: Kenin stated bluntly.
:Nor can yours reach Sunhame,: Dena replied, sounding tired. :And even if we could, would we? Would it be any less painful:
:Better not to try,: Kenin said, watching through the window as her Chosen clung to Malkum even in her sleep. :Does he know? About the lifebond:
:Jay made me keep my silence,: Dena replied, as Malkum stirred slightly to pull Jay closer. :She wanted to protect him; thought it would be better if he didn't know.: Kenin only sighed.
Her head lifted suddenly, eyes fixed on something beyond the horizon. When her eyes came back to focus, they were sad. :Kantor and Alberich are coming,: she said. :Or rather, they will- I told Kantor we needed some more time, and he didn't ask questions. Regardless, they'll be here by midday.:
Dena extended a soft Mindtouch to the sleeping pair. They began to wake slowly. Kenin and Dena turned their gaze from the Waystation, to give the pair some privacy for their goodbyes. Finally, when the sun was steadily gaining height, and Kenin could put it off no longer, she tentatively extended a greeting to Jay.
A keening grief unaffected by the slight overtones of sleepy satisfaction met her mind. :When: The resignation in Jay's Voice was almost as painful as denial would have been.
:About a candlemark. It'll be Alberich and Kantor.:
Jay turned to her lifebonded, trying to swallow the tears she thought she had cried out last night. "They'll be here in about a candlemark, Kenin says," she said, unable to meet his eyes. "We'd better go."
Malkum grabbed her arm as she turned away to get up. "I love you," he murmured, taking her chin in his hand and forcing her to meet his gaze. She burst into tears.
"By all the Gods," she murmured. "Why?"
Malkum stroked her hair as she buried her head in his shoulder and sobbed again. His tears soaked into her tousled hair. "Question Vkandis' will, I do not," he said. "But wish I knew, I do."
"What did we do wrong?" she choked out.
"Nothing," he murmured. "In our eyes. In the eyes of others, much. Know, we cannot, whether the Gods agree with them or us."
"I can't do this," she said, clinging to him.
"Nor can I. But we must." She laughed bitterly through her tears.
"To be a Herald is to sacrifice. Don't I know it." She let him hold her a moment longer, before pulling back. "We've got to get up."
Kenin moved to comfort her Chosen but decided against it. Her time to comfort would come later. Now it was Malkum's turn.
The Waystation was searched, clothing pulled out of the corners it had crawled into. Jay's saddlebags bulged, clothing and supplies sticking out of it. The bedroll had been rolled, the fire put out. Food was stored in the Waystation bins for the next Heralds to need it.
Jay managed to find a pair of relatively clean Whites. Malkum had to help her knot the tunic laces, and the shirt had a stain on the hem, but you couldn't tell from a cursory glance. Standing there in full uniform, she took one look at Malkum and burst into fresh tears.
He was standing there in his Sunpriest's robes. The black and gold were everything she had learned to fear and hate. Seeing the man she loved and needed in that uniform wrenched at her heart, a painful reminder of what was happening. They were separating. Fate was pulling them apart, forcing them to opposite sides of a war. Who knew when they would meet again, if ever. And if they did, there was no guarantee that it wouldn't be seeing them burn on their funeral pyre or be run through by someone they knew.
:Jay: Kenin said softly. :You've got a quarter candlemark.: From the suddenly stricken look on Malkum's face, she could only surmise he'd just been told the same thing.
He pulled her close, and she clung to the front of his robes, pulling his mouth down to hers. Salt touched her lips and tongue, adding a bitter edge to the kiss. Malkum buried his face in her neck, unable to look at her.
"I love you," he murmured into her skin. She only kissed him again. Nudging the lock with her Gift, she didn't break from the kiss when she felt Kenin and Dena behind them.
:Ten minutes.: Kenin's mindvoice was urgent. :They need to leave.:
Jay knelt and buried her face in Dena's fur. :Thank you.:
:May Vkandis' light shine on you. I'll miss you.: The Firecat's mindvoice was sad. Jay hugged him tightly and stood, just as Malkum took his hand from Kenin's neck. She embraced him fiercely, kissing him as though he was her air, her life. Tears scalded her face, and she couldn't bother to wipe them away,
"By all the Gods, I love you," she murmured, pulling away after one last stolen kiss. Their fingers stayed interlaced as Dena rubbed against Malkum's leg. He was clinging to her hand so hard it was almost painful, but she welcomed the pain as a reminder that he was still there.
Jay wove her fingers into Kenin's mane, and just gazed at him, savoring the last look at him. Her eyes scanned the beloved face and familiar body, committing every last detail to memory. Deep, dark eyes, prominent nose, black robes, black hair, strong, gentle hands, soft lips were all emblazoned into her memory, an image that would haunt her for years to come.
:Five minutes. They have to leave.:
Jay pulled her fingers reluctantly from his grasp. "I love you."
"I love you."
And then they were gone, and Jay could only sink to her knees and bury her face in her hands. Her heart was breaking, one tiny piece at a time, and she could feel it crack. He was gone, and he was never going to see her again. She would never hold him, never kiss him, never hear him laugh again-
Kenin put her nose in Jay's hair for a moment before pulling back. :They're almost here. You need to pull yourself together. You don't have the luxury of tears right now.: Jay raised her face, bleak and miserable.
"But it hurts," she said softly. Kenin nudged her to her feet, steeling her heart against the black grief she could feel swamping her Chosen.
:I know. Push it away for now. You've got a performance to give.:
Jay splashed water on her face to wash away the tear tracks. Nothing could be done about the red eyes- she could only hope Alberich would blame it on lack of sleep, or worry.
Someone banged the door. "Herald Jay?" She took a deep breath and composed her face. It shook Kenin to see her face when she turned. It was perfectly serious and calm. The expression was one that wouldn't have looked amiss on anyone's face, expect for one thing. Jay's eyes held none of the sparkle they usually held. The playful gleam had left with Malkum and Dena. And Kenin had no way of knowing if either would ever come back.
Herald Alberich hadn't changed a bit in the little over a year Jay had been away from the Collegium. He was still was formidable as ever, scar seamed face blank of any emotion. Upon seeing him, she quailed slightly, realizing just who she was going to be lying to. But she steeled herself; she would protect Malkum and Dena. She had to, for both their sakes.
"Herald Jay," Alberich said curtly. Jay could see the blue eyes of his Companion Kantor behind him, and looked away, focusing on the Weaponsmaster's eyes. They were only human, after all, and easier to face. "We are here to escort you and the Karsite prisoner to Haven."
"Herald Alberich," she said, allowing a few of her tears to show in her voice. "I've looked everywhere- I can't find the Sunpriest. I don't know where he went. He must- I guess, the stress finally caught up with me, all those nights of lost sleep. I told Kenin I would keep watch, but I wasn't worried- he'd been quieter and quieter as we got further from the Border. I must have fallen asleep, and he must have slipped out. I'm so-"
"Do you realize what you have done?" he cut her off. A hint of anger and disapproval hardened his tone.
"Yes," Jay said. It took everything she had not to make that 'yes' defiant. "Yes, I understand. There's no excuse for my failure." She looked at her hands, unable to face Alberich's eyes a moment longer.
The Weaponsmaster sighed, and absently rubbed a scar on one forearm. "You were too young. We should not have placed you in such a stressful position after so long on the Border. Hope I do, that the Sunpriest doesn't harm anyone. Watchers in the country will be placed." Jay noticed absently that his emotion –disapproval, disappointment, anger, worry- was so great that he was lapsing back into his native syntax. Abruptly, he shook back into himself.
"You are needed back in Haven to make a full report to Her Majesty and myself," he said shortly. "Come. We have little time to waste." He left the Waystation. Jay hurried to strap her packs to Kenin's back and leave as well. With only a quick backward look at the last place she had been with him, she swung into Kenin's saddle. Kenin matched Kantor's pace easily, sending worried looks at her Chosen.
Jay had incased herself in ice. She was numb to everything now. No matter what happened to her now, two things wouldn't change: she had Kenin and she didn't have him. One was keeping her sane, the other felt like a dagger being twisted with every beat of Kenin's gait. She tried not to think. It was less painful that way, because everything she thought led back to Malkum. It was easier to simply focus on the ground being kicked up by Kenin's hooves, to Kantor moving in front of them, to Alberich's stiff back and the bird songs.
There was heavy traffic in Haven at this time of morning. Alberich made his way through the crowds impatiently, Kenin following meekly in his path. When they reached the Palace gates, Alberich gave their names to the guard on gate duty. Once inside, he turned to her.
"Care for your Companion," he said. "Then come to Queen Selenay's office. She will want to speak with you." He turned and, with nary a backward glance, left her standing in the road. After a moment, Kenin began walking again, towards the Field.
:Just pull my tack off, love,: she said kindly. :I'll be fine until later.:
:Thank you.: Kenin winced at the feel of her Chosen's Voice.
:When you're done, come to me,: she suggested. :You need to grieve.:
Jay didn't say anything as she swung off Kenin's back and opened the gate. Quickly and efficiently she stripped saddle, bridle and packs from Kenin's back. Swinging tack over her shoulders and hefting the packs, she waited for Kenin to get inside before shutting the gate.
:It's easier not to,: she finally said. :It hurts too much.:
:Oh Jay,: Kenin replied. :It's only human. You need to mourn them.:
:It's easier not to think about him,: Jay repeated. She turned her back and left. Kenin in a last attempt to reach her Chosen, reached deeper into their bond.
:I miss them too,: she said sadly, pouring love and grief into their bond. Jay paused for a moment, then kept walking without looking back.
:I miss him more.: Kenin watched the Herald leave silently, worry and guilt weighing her down.
Jay dropped tack and packs in Kenin's stall; she'd come back for them later. Then, brushing off her Whites, she jogged to the Palace. Stopping only to ask directions from a page, she made her way quickly to Selenay's office.
I can't think about them, she thought, over and over. Because I will grieve. I don't have the luxury for that right now. I cannot afford tears right now. As she approached the Guard outside the door the page had directed her to, she shoved her grief aside forcefully.
"Herald Jay?" the man in midnight blue asked. She nodded. He opened the door to admit her.
Queen Selenay sat at her desk, a too calm gaze fixed on the younger woman entering her office. Alberich stood to her right, slightly behind her, his typically unreadable stare also fixed on Jay.
Jay bowed. "Your Majesty," she murmured.
"Herald Jay," Selenay acknowledged. "You were entrusted with a task –an important task- and you have failed. Not only did you lose a valuable prisoner but you have potentially endangered citizens of this country." Obviously the queen did not waste any time cutting to the core of the problem.
"How is it," Alberich inquired. "That a Sunpriest escaped your watch?"
"I don't know," Jay replied, voice a match for Alberich's in lack of emotion. "I was careless, I was irresponsible. It is my belief, and that of my Companion's, that the stress of my Border task as well as the last two weeks caught up with me, and I fell asleep. I feel guilty, knowing that I have failed in my responsibility, and have failed you and the Circle. It was my fault, for overestimating my ability."
Selenay and Alberich looked at each other. "Herald Jay," Selenay said after a moment. "I feel- compelled to question you under the Truth Spell. It is what I would do for anyone else, and I see no reason to exempt a Herald from this. You are human, you are fallible."
"I understand, Your Majesty," Jay said, fighting a rising bit of panic. "And I agree." Selenay nodded and turned to Alberich. He closed his eyes for a mere second, and then gave Selenay a small nod.
They proceeded to question her at length. Jay lost track of how long she was there, how many questions she answered. She focused on wording her answers so they were not –quite- lies. But there is a gap between lies and the absolute truth, and she exploited it at every turn. Some of the questions she could answer honestly, merely leaving out parts of knowledge. Those were the questions about Malkum and any information she had managed to garner during their two weeks together. Some of those were the hardest to answer: the ones about him personally, his appearance, his personality. Then there were the questions she had to word very carefully. Those were the ones about what had happened the night before and that morning.
She could see Alberich and Selenay glancing at each other, despairing slightly at the lack of information she offered, and wondering at some of her pauses, some of her hesitant answers. Finally, when she was beginning to sway on her feet, Selenay smiled faintly.
"I think that's everything we're going to be able to get," she said. "Unless, there's anything else you saw that might help…" She let the question trail off. Jay weighed her options, and took a carefully calculated risk.
"I don't know if this means anything to you," she said slowly. "But I noticed it. Last night, I- I saw a cat walking around. But it was larger than any cat I've ever seen. Cream colored, I think, with reddish markings. It might not mean anything but-?" She bit her lip at the look on Alberich's face. Faint shock was the only thing readable through his mask of reserve, but it was enough. He knew what she was talking about.
"Thank you Herald," Selenay said. "You may go."
"Meet me in the salle," Alberich said. "At midday tomorrow. And do not tell anyone about the Sunpriest."
"I won't," Jay said quietly. Bowing, she turned and left. Once out of the room, she breathed a faint sigh, and ducked her head to go find welcome solitude in her rooms.
Selenay waited several moments after the soft click of the door, before turning to her trusted Spymaster. "What did you make of that?" she asked quietly.
"A Firecat," he said slowly, lapsing into the Karsite syntax. "A most unexpected turn is."
"She might not have seen anything," Selenay pointed out. "They haven't been seen in centuries, from what you've told me."
"Still-" Alberich shook his head. "The feeling I get, that know everything, we do not. See her, did you?"
"I did," Selenay said grimly. "Thinking every answer through a hundred times before she ever opened her mouth. She's wasted on Border patrol. Yet the Truth Spell never faded-"
"Once it did," Alberich reminded her. Selenay cocked her head.
"When?" she asked, confused. "I don't remember."
"Talking to Caryo about the Companion Kenin, you were," he told her. "Ask her about his personality, I did. Easy to get along with was he? Charismatic?"
"Oh- I think I might remember her answer a little," Selenay said, ruefully. "I wasn't quite as out of it as I thought. She said- um- Charismatic, no. But seemingly kind, she thought. She didn't trust him. But she didn't believe him to be evil. Not like most."
"In her eyes," Alberich added. "No joy. Only great, heavy sorrow and pain there was. Try to mask it, she did. But flicker, her control did. Not often, but enough. In her body, tension. And think for a long time about her answer, she did. Mean there was no way to lie, this did.""
"A puzzle," Selenay said ruefully. "I don't believe she was helping the Karsites, though."
"Hate them, her Companion does," Alberich said. "Many times, she has informed Kantor. Help them, she would not, and against her, Jay could not go without anyone's knowledge."
"I'm no Empath," Selenay said. "But I don't think we know the entire story. She's hiding something."
Alberich didn't have to answer.
The shadows were beginning to thicken as Jay walked through the hall, feeling the constant drain of keeping her emotions at bay. Before, she had been able to. But with the strain and exhaustion brought on by the day, the wall seemed to be crumbling with every passing minute. It was becoming all she could do not to break down in tears.
Even after being away for so long, she could still find her way to her second-floor rooms blind and half-dead. Finding them now was child's play for her. The sigh of relief she heaved when turning the last corner was almost audible, until she saw the light streaming from under the door, and heard the familiar voices behind the door. Feeling a desire to sink to her knees and rage at the unfairness of it all, she forced her heavy feet to walk the last few paces, wiped at her eyes in an attempt to get rid of any tears that might be lingering there and open the door.
A familiar strawberry-blond launched herself at Jay before she even had a foot inside the door. "We figured the queen wouldn't think to feed you," Adi explained, before Jay could even open her mouth. "So Fas and I went down to beg Mero. Come eat. You must be starved. You look it- did they feed you on the Border? Gods I missed you."
Jay just looked at her yearmate and best friend. Adi was a tall, slim, strawberry blond with a bubbly, outgoing personality. Though she was three years younger than Adi, Jay often felt older. This was one of those times.
"Actually Adi," she said, hoping her voice didn't sound as strained as t felt. "Thanks, but- I'm really just- just not hungry."
Adi looked concerned. "You sure?" She took a closer look at her friend, and her eyes widened. "Are you okay, Jay? You look like you've been through hell."
"I-" Jay swallowed, hating herself for lying to her best friend.
"Adi, stop," came a familiar voice from the window seat. As usual, the third member of their group was lounged across the seat with a view of the Companion's Field. Tall, dark and handsome, Fas was a year younger than Adi, but usually acted older than his age. Guilt welled up in Jay at the sight of him, but she couldn't concentrate on that emotion now.
"Adi, I'm tired." Jay was doing everything she could to keep her emotions from her face and voice, but the exhaustion just from keeping tears out of her eyes was showing in her voice. "Please- I just want to rest! I didn't get any sleep and it's been-" She faltered at the look on her friends' faces. The concern on Fas' face broke a heart that she didn't think could take any more, and she lost her battle with the tears.
"Please," she begged. "I want to be left alone." Fas stood and moved to embrace her, but she flinched back. Hurt crossed his face, but he turned to Adi, who had a stunned expression on her face.
"Come on," he said. "Let's go Adi." Turning to Jay, he softened slightly. "I don't know what in Astera's name you've been through, but we'll leave you to it. I have to teach this evening, but I'll come back later to check on you. Eat something." He turned and left, Adi following slowly behind him.
"Jay?" she asked. "What happened?" Jay couldn't respond. The door shut with a soft click behind her two best friends.
With the door shut, Jay collapsed into helpless sobs. Blinded, she stumbled to the window seat, and curled up in the window, looking helplessly south toward something she couldn't reach. She cried until she felt as though she was going to throw up, huge racking sobs that threatened to tear her apart. Her nose, eyes, throat and chest ached, but she couldn't stop.
When she couldn't cry anymore, she tucked her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around herself, huddling in a ball, still staring south. She allowed grief to drown her in its depths; she didn't want to resist it.
The sun had set completely by the time Fas returned. She heard the muffled knock at her door, but didn't respond. The door creaked slightly as it swung open. She didn't turn around. Seeing the uneaten tray of food, he uttered a muffled curse, setting something down with a soft click. The cushion sank as someone sat next to her.
Hands on her shoulders forced her to turn around. "Jay," he said, voice strained. She couldn't help but meet his eyes. They were worried and afraid, and he pulled back slightly at the look in here eyes.
"Go away." Her voice was hoarse from crying. "Just go away."
"Not until you tell me what in all the hells happened," he said firmly. He pulled her against his chest and rocked her slightly, ignoring the fact that her body was completely rigid. "Blue jay," he murmured. "It's all right. No matter what, you can tell me."
"Go away Fas," she repeated, refusing to relax into his hold. He pulled back slightly to meet her eyes again, keeping his arms around her.
"Anything," he said gently. "No matter what, you can tell me."
She pulled back and stood. Rage and helpless anger was demanding an outlet, and Fas was making himself an easy target. "Anything?" she said, voice catching. "Is that what you think? Anything, no matter what and you won't judge me?"
"Of course," he said, brow furrowed in concern. "Jay, what happened on the Border? You can tell me."
"No," she said, her voice rising. "I can't tell you. Can't tell anyone. How could you understand? You've been so gods-damned sheltered here in Haven your entire life. You couldn't even understand what's going on, what happened to me. Don't even bother trying. Just leave me alone."
His face only looked more worried. "Why won't you let me help? You don't have to stand by yourself Jay. I love you, Ady loves you, Kenin loves you- we all want to help you. But you have to open up."
"Love?" Her voice cracked on that word. "Can you understand that word? It's not all fluffy and happy. It hurts like hell-" She shook her head. "Why do I bother? There's no point. You couldn't understand. Just go away," she repeated. "I hate you." It came out as a mere whisper. "I hate you for being so damned sheltered. So damned self-righteous. For not being furious with me."
Because he wasn't. He was sitting there, having the nerve not to get angry when she insulted him. And when he opened his mouth, she winced, anticipating his warm, caring, concerned tone. "I'm your friend Jay. I told you- I want to help. I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong."
"Then I will." Jay turned around and walked out, leaving Fas to stare helplessly at her back.
:What happened?: he repeated softly. For an instant, her heart broke still further at the confusion and hurt in his voice. But she couldn't tell him. So she just kept walking, slamming the door, leaving him alone.
She found Kenin waiting for her at the fence of the field. Without exchanging a word, she swung onto Kenin's back and the Companion took off at a run. It didn't take them long to get out of the city, and into the countryside.
Kenin just loped along for candlemarks. When the sky began to take on the pearly gray of pre-dawn, the Companion slowed, and walked down a track to get off the road. Herald and Companion curled up under a tree and Jay just buried her face in Kenin's shoulder.
:I want him back,: she said desperately.
:I know.: Kenin projected all the love she could. :But I'm here, to help you keep going.:
:What if I can't?: Desperation and fear reverberated down their bond.
:You can,: Kenin reassured her. :You will.: Jay flung an arm around her best friend's neck and clung to her as she slipped into a deep and heavy sleep. Thankfully, she didn't dream.
Queen's Own: I have some friends who just refuse to get angry. Pisses the hell out of me. Sometimes you just want someone to yell back.
Anyway, review please. There hasn't been too much of that lately. It really hurts guys. But I'm updating anyway, for me, because I love this fic. Consider yourselves blessed.