Why don't I turn it off?
I like twisted things.
A Tale of Two Idiots
Chapter 14:
A red jeep was running, smoothly along the sands of Egypt. Not swerving like it had earlier only because the boys had begged Cody to stop drinking so they wouldn't run into a camel. Of course he said that wouldn't happen. And even if it did, he'd be okay. He has a great car insurance company. About ten minutes after they had gotten into the car with the semi-drunk man, they did begin to get curious of how he found them. Well, Marik was starting to get curious. Malik had been curious since he was thrown into the car.
"Cody, what are you doing out here?" Malik demanded from the backseat. He forced his yami to tear off his shirt so that he could wrap it around his waist. He was now in his black and green spotted loincloth and interrogating thoroughly, "I mean, did Happy Chicken Man send you to find us?"
"Oh, Malik, cut it out!" Marik glared back at him, "Jeez, why do you think he's on their side all of a sudden? When we were in Happy Chicken, you giggled and tee-heed every time he was around."
"Newsflash for Malik's yami. He IS on their side!"
"Pheh!"
"Ah ha ha ha! Well, actually, I hads to quit!" Cody pursed his lips together and nodded toward the sun.
"Quit?" Both boys blinked.
"Ah, yup yup!"
Marik scratched his head, "Y-You just walked up to that fat, mean guy in the suit and said 'I'm quitting and there ain't nothing you can do about it!' I thought, in this new world order, you'd get whacked off for relieving your duties."
He sweatdropped and cracked a hopeful smile, "Ah… yup yup. I didn't say anythin exactly… I just kinda slipped out, took the jeep and came looking for yous two! Ha ha!"
Marik and Malik stared at each other, "… You went AWOL?"
"Welpies, I did it in the name of love!"
Marik raised an eyebrow, "The name of love, eh?"
Malik leaned over the seat and gasped, smiling, "Ooh, love has a name other than love? What is it?"
"Malik, you'd better pray to Ra that I don't slap you."
"Meep!"
Cody blinked and grinned, "Nah, nah! Heidi was called back to the palace yesterday. From what I heard, Yami's real pissed that she let you twos go. So he's gone off the deep end and locked her away!"
"… Harsh."
"And for everyday that goes by that you aren't found, Heidi gets another finger chopped off! On the last day, if the… uh, rings and Marik and Malik aren't all there at the palace, then Heidi gonna be…" He made a cut-throat motion.
Malik cringed, "Ra, that's awful!"
"Yeah, yeah, awful. But where are we going?" Marik asked.
"Well, I dun intend to let that happen to her! Nope, not my Heidikins! But, yous my buddies, too, so I can't let Yami just have ya!"
"Yay!" They cheered, "So, what's the plan?"
"I'm takin ya to Bakura and Ryou!"
"…" Both boys looked at each other and then turned back to the man, "Y-You know where they are? We thought no one knew!"
"Heh heh! No one but mes!" He smirked, "Cause I know the place where ALL the secrets of the world are…"
"… Where?"
"Happy Chicken's basement bathroom! Everythin's written on the back of the stall doors and all of Yami and Yugi's dark secrets are revealed! Like, did ya know that Yugi is scared of spaghetti? And that Yami is insecure about the size of his-"
"Um. Guys…" Malik interrupted the out coming of certain secrets and was now facing backwards and gaping out at the land that they had left in the dust less than a minute ago.
"What is it now, Malik?"
"We've got company."
Marik turned around in his seat and looked back along with his hikari, who was spazzing out. He looked for a second and squinted, finally seeing, over the dusty horizon, a few small figures. In a matter of seconds those figures got larger to the point where he could make out about ten to twenty large, black trucks. Printed on the front was 'Spike Patrol'.
"Gah!" Marik turned back to Cody, "Hey! We're being followed!"
"Hmm? We are?" He craned his neck and looked in the rearview mirror. Cringing, he turned back to Marik and grinned, "Eh heh heh… I-I guess they must've followed me! Ah, yup yup…"
Malik rocked back and forth on the seat, "We're gonna be captured! We're gonna be captured! We're gonna be captured!"
"Grr… Shut up!"
"Make me!"
"I will!"
"Hey, hey! Fellas, we ain't got no time to be fighting!"
Both boys scowled at him for interrupting their argument. He sweat dropped and pointed backwards towards the twenty large vehicles that were now less than thirty feet behind the small, red jeep. Malik squealed again and shouted, "What do we do!"
Before anything could be said, the first five of the trucks' tops had opened like a large sunroof and out came a rather large cannon. Immediately, the first truck shot out about four large, black cannonballs which were in the shape of Yugi and Yami's heads. When they hit the sand surrounding the jeep, they exploded.
Cody, being in his semi-drunken state, swerved and barely missed one of the bombs, but not by much.
Malik's eyes were wide, "Okay, scratch that, we're not gonna be captured, we're gonna be killed! We're gonna be killed! We're gonna be killed! We're gonna be-"
"Stop that! Now listen, we've got to get those guys off our tail, so-"
Another two bombs hit and one of the back wheels of the jeep blew. Cody yelped, "Sorry bout that!"
"Oh, for Ra's sake!" Marik took Cody and switched places with him, whilst grabbing the wheel, "You'd get us killed, Cody, I'm driving! Malik, you go take care of the Spike Patrol!"
He whipped his head around, "ME?"
"Yes, you!"
"Why ME?"
"Because I'm driving, and Cody's drunk!"
"And I'm naked, what's your point?"
Cody was going into hysterics by now, "Ah ha ha ha ha! Yous two is funny! Malik's naked and yous driving! Ha ha ha!"
"You have a shirt around your waist, just be careful!" Marik rolled his eyes, "Now go!"
Malik whined, pitifully, standing up in the backseat. He was facing towards the trucks and winced, "Marik, I can't do this! I swear, I'll just die!" Marik simply rolled his eyes and reared back, sending a well-placed head butt to his hikari, making him going tumbling off the back of the jeep and into the sand.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" Cody crumbled to the floor of the jeep, weak from laughter.
Marik called back, "Hurry it up, Malik!"
Covered from head to toe in sand, Malik coughed and hacked as he stood in the middle of the desert. Watching his yami drive off in a hurry, he shouted the worst obscenities ever imagine and, from a distance, some would consider him a sailor in the nude. When he looked the other way, he noticed twenty black trucks looking larger than they had before. But that was probably because they were right up on him, about five feet away at most, until they drove right over the young Egyptian. Lucky for him that he dove onto the floor right as the first of them came to trample him.
As they drove over his body and he was pressed against the sand, looking up, he cringed and thought he might as well do was his yami threw him out of the car to do. Before the last of them past him, he grabbed onto the bottom rail and hung about two inches from the passing sand as they zoomed off, unaware that there was a boy coming, too.
Malik sighed, uneasily. The truck he attached to had just shaken violently and he knew it was firing off yet another bomb. He carefully climbed forwards, toward the cab of the truck. It took him about two minutes of squeaking and unsure movements before he reached the front and stood on the front license plate. He looked up and climbed slowly, to the window shield where a woman that was driving, screamed and shouted, "PERVERT!"
He blinked and then looked down. It seems that when he was thrown off the jeep, away went his shirt and so he was, once again, caught in the buff. Malik blushed and sighed, climbing inside the cab through an open window on the passenger's side. The woman screamed even more and jumped out of the other window.
"Hey! D-Don't leave, wait!" Malik shouted after her, but she was long gone. He scrambled over to the steering wheel and grabbed a hold. "Jeez. How am I supposed to… Ah, hey, I got it!"
Grinning, Malik took the wheel and rammed the entire truck into another truck beside it. They both when swerving to the left and the other driver shouter, "WHAT THE HELL'S YOUR PROBLEM!"
"I'm sorry, but I have to kill you!" Malik shouted back and gave a few other well-placed rams till the other truck tipped into another one and they both exploded.
Malik smiled, pleased, and jumped out of the window, onto the top of the truck. He took a deep breath and leaped onto another of the trucks, leaving the first one to go off and tumble over. He ducked as the cannon shot out another bomb at the red jeep which wasn't that far ahead at all and he made his way to the driver's cab.
Meanwhile, Marik and Cody were trying desperately to keep away from the Yami and Yugi bombs that were now raining down on them. Well, actually, only Marik was working at swerving the jeep around so they wouldn't die a horrible death. Cody was, on the other hand, driving bottles upon bottles of wine to drown his sorrows.
"I-I miss hers so muches…" Cody sobbed while downing another bottle of red wine, "Heidikins was da only girl who I ever wanted to rub my feets… Da only one…"
Marik turned the steering wheel again to avoid three bombs, "Cody, cut that out! I can't save our lives and listen to your sob stories at the same time! I don't multi-task!"
"DA ONLY ONE!" He wailed.
"Cody! She's fifteen and you're fifty, it wasn't meant to be!"
"We coulda worked it out…"
"Grr… Here, make yourself useful and tell me how Malik is doing." Marik pointed towards the rearview mirror. Cody tearfully sat up and squinted into the mirror. He looked back and saw that, from the twenty trucks that were on their tail, there were only three left. Malik was driving the middle one, locked between the two who had figured out what he was doing and were trying to squish him.
"Hey! He's alive!" Cody shouted.
Marik blinked, "R-Really? Wow, there's a shocker." He craned his neck to take a peek behind him, "He sure is! I'm going to have to give him a cookie if he makes it through that."
Back in the cab of the second truck, Malik was in real trouble. Both trucks were ramming him from both sides and there was no way he could over power them this late in the game. And besides that, he couldn't get his truck to stop firing bombs at his yami and Cody, so there was another minus from his situation.
He shut his eyes tight and chanted, 'Think, think, think…'. After a moment of nothing but a monkey playing symbols in his head, an idea came about. He shouted, "Eureka!" and looked along the bottom of the cab. He could've sworn that the driver that had just been in here was smoking quite a lot. Finally, Malik found two, still lit cigarette butts. Taking a deep breath, he leaned out of the window, waiting for the truck that was ramming him to break away for a moment. He quickly opened the gas cap to the tank and threw in the two cigarettes.
Suddenly, inside the jeep, Marik felt something weird and looked back only to see the three large trucks blow up in a gigantic explosion. The jeep actually jumped up about a foot and landed back on the ground. A huge cloud of smoke rose above the scene and hid the blue sky in black and gray.
Marik's eyes were wide, "Ra, did you see that? That was awesome! Cody, I think Malik did a great job, that was genius!"
"Uh… Maybe I'm just drunk, but wasn't Malik drivin one of those?"
"…!"
Out of the thick smoke came a loud and shrill yelp, followed by a small dot flying through the smoke and out into the air, coming down to the ground with a shriek. A black and singed boy sat up and waved tiredly to the two in the red jeep only five feet away. His eyes rolled around a little before he coughed out, "I-I did it…!" He then fell backwards as Marik pulled him into the back of the jeep.
Cody blinked, "Can I drive now?"
"No."
"But I'm the one who knows where yours friends are…!"
"Just tell me which way to go, then."
"… Please?"
"No!"