A Tale of Two Idiots
Chapter 19:
"Hey, Serenity, did you hear about that Heidi chick?"
About two minutes after Hott Dawg and the map on the back of the stall, Number 3 called the Pharaoh's palace and informed both Yami and Yugi of their triumph. Yami had sunk back into his throne and sighed in relief, Yugi simply gave a nod and, inside is head, he did a little happy dance. And whilst the men in Happy chicken prepared to go out into the desert with just a chipped and broken board for a map to try and find this cult and the treasures they had. The treasures being Marik, Malik, Ryou and Bakura for all you who are skimming.
And, of course, everyone in the palace was feeling a bit of weight lift off their shoulders. They suspected the violence on their general would stop since Yami heard the good news. But, the fact still remained, that besides Heidi's fingers going missing, she still had her daily torture session to look forward to. And today was special, she would do something she'd never done before. Yami had given special orders to two of his bathing girls to ready her after she came back from her whipping.
And that's exactly what they were doing…
Serenity looked up from the towels that she was folding. Her friend had just come running through the door with fresh towels in her arms, waving one around at her. She sighed, putting a hand on her hip, "Mai, isn't it a bit early in the day for your gossips? And where have you been, anyway, I had to do most of this folding myself."
"Sorry, but those damned Spike Patrollers made me show them my Bathing Girl Seal of the Pharaoh just to get into the laundry room and the kitchen." She pointed to the brand on her shoulder. Serenity had one too, but it was in a more remote place on her body.
"What were you doing in the kitchen?"
"Ho ho ho!" She grinned and leaned in, holding up a bag of Cheetoes that came from behind her back.
"Ah! Mai, what're you doing with Pharaoh Yugi's Cheetoes? Put those away!" Serenity hurried to stuff them under her shirt.
"What're you worried about, huh? I was hungry! One cracker a day isn't enough to fill me…" Mai pouted, leaning on the wall, "Haven't you noticed how my boobs have been getting droopy, lately? That's because I haven't been eating enough saturated fats and goo…"
Serenity rolled her eyes and turned back to the towels, "Mai, we don't have time for this. We're supposed to be getting that girl, Heidi, ready. Speaking of which, have you seen her? She was supposed to be here five minutes ago."
"Huh? Ah, that's what I was talking about! When I came in here, I was going to tell you that Yami wanted us to give her the Seal."
"… What? Why, this is a one-time thing, isn't it?"
"I thought so, but you know how Pharaoh Yami is, he likes to make things difficult. And, by the way, I-" Mai stopped in mid-sentence when the door to the steam room opened and in came a girl, her clothes in shreds and one hand with five salt pouches on each nub. Her other hand was intact for the moment.
Mai starred at her for a moment before busting out laughing.
"Mai!" Serenity scolded. "You stop that!"
"B-But she's… fingerless…! Oh ho ho ho…! It's simply too much!"
Ignoring her fellow bathing girl, Serenity turned to the girl in the doorway who looked like she was ready to kill Mai, "Um, Heidi, right? I'm Serenity, and my hysteric friend over here is Mai. We were given orders…"
"Just tell me what it is I'm doing here." Heidi frowned, "This isn't another whipping is it?"
"Oh, no, not at all. You're giving Pharaoh Yami his bath today, by yourself."
"… You're not serious."
Mai had come out of her two-minute laughing jag and gave Heidi a friendly pat on the back, "Of course we are. No, c'mon, you're five minutes late and we have to give you the Seal and get some proper bandages for those nubs of yours."
"The SEAL? No flippin way! That's the most degrading thing Yami's come up with yet! He's not going to brand me like a heifer and I'm certainly not going to bathe his naked body!" Heidi turned for the door.
"Wait!" Serenity grabbed her arm, "Please, Heidi, I know it's not the nicest job in the world, but would you rather be killed than do this?"
"I do have SOME dignity left!"
"Dignity isn't worth your life, don't you agree?"
"What life? I'll be dead in five days anyway, they're never going to catch Marik and Malik. Why should I prolong this suffering anymore when I know my ending?"
"… Because sometimes the ending isn't what you expected. You've just gotta hang on till you know for sure. And when you do, then…"
"It's time to die." Mai shrugged.
"Right." Serenity agreed, cheerfully.
Heidi blinked, "… Alright, I'll do it, I guess. But it's only because I want to be able to live for my last five days on Earth! I want to see the beautiful sunsets and sunrises! I want to hear the sweet songs of the sparrows! I want to saver the taste of-"
"Elephant dung?"
"… Yeah. Elephant dung." She sighed, hanging her head in defeat and let both Mai and Serenity happily lead her to the back room where there was only a small cot and a bed of hot coals, in which their were tiny bursts of fire. Heidi's eyes watered as Mai took her hand and laid her down on the small, white cot. Serenity was picking up a cowpoke in back of the room that was leaning against the wall. It was in the shape of Yami's head and in the middle were the letters 'RBG'.
Heidi lay there, Mai's hand with a firm grip on her arm. She had never really witnessed the Seal ceremony being performed and had no idea it took place in a small room. She waited for something to happen.
"Heidi D'Angelo." Serenity's voice came from behind the girl which kind of startled her, "You are now undergoing the Royal Bathing Girl ceremony. Please repeat everything I say after this point."
She nodded, unsurely.
"I, Heidi."
"I, H-Heidi…"
"Will uphold the tradition of the Yami Bathing Girls."
"Will uphold the tradition of the… Yami Bathing Girls."
"And I hereby promise,"
"And I hereby promise…"
"To love, honor and cherish Yami's body,"
"…! Ah… To love, honor and cherish Yami's body."
"Through fat and thin. In diets and disease,"
"T-Through fat and thin… In diets and disease…"
"To bathe him forever and for always,"
"To bathe him… forever and for always."
"Till Pharaoh release me. Or death take me."
"T-Till Pharaoh release me… Or death… take me." After the last word was said, Heidi had little time to even think before her body was racked with an enormous amount of pain. Her left butt cheek burned under the cowpoke, Heidi opened her mouth to scream but nothing came out and Mai stroked her hair, soothingly as Serenity cringed, lifting the cowpoke and sighing.
It was a moment before Heidi could turn her head towards Serenity who put the cowpoke back by the wall.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"
"Heidi, you knew you had to have the Seal. It's just so the guards and the Pharaohs can identify you. It takes a lot to be able to be let near the royal bodies in such a private way." Serenity explained, trying to be as sweet as pie.
Mai raised an eyebrow, "Well, from what I hear, there's a long list of who Pharaoh Yami will let near is body in a 'private way'."
Heidi blinked, "What do you mean?"
She leaned in, winking, "It seems there was this servant boy who came to Yami's bedroom last night and-"
"Mai!" Serenity grabbed Heidi's arm and pulled her out the door, Mai following trying to tell the ex-general all the dirty details, which was like a lollipop after a shot for Heidi.
"Where are we going now?" She groaned, tearing her arm away from the girl with long brown hair.
She blinked, "No where. Well, c'mon, take off your clothes."
"… Huh?"
Mai busied herself, unbuttoning Heidi's bra, which was peeking out through her torn shirt. Heidi turned around, "Stop that! Why should I take off my clothes?"
"You're going to bathe our Pharaoh! You have to be naked, it's supposed to be a spiritual experience. To be that close to a God is-"
"God? WHAT GOD?" Heidi was fuming now at the thought of not having at least a bikini and there being naught but water between hers and Yami's hot flesh. Images ran in a sequence in and across her mind. Suddenly, she got a nosebleed and waved her hand at her neck, "Phew… Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?"
Mai and Serenity looked at each other in question. Whilst Heidi had been daydreaming and nose bleeding, they had stripped her of her clothes and admired how skinny she was.
Mai whispered, "Must be the elephant dung."
Serenity nodded.
"Well. Here ya go!" Serenity held out a rather large loofa in the shape of Yami's head with both hands and Heidi took it, frowning. "We wish you luck."
"… Wait, aren't you coming too?" She looked up.
"Nope. Pharaoh Yami requested you and you alone. Oh, you'll be fine. Just remember not to scrub his butt too hard. We had a girl named Tea here who did that. They stoned her before throwing her off a cliff and letting the wild coyotes rip her limb from limb."
"…" Heidi blinked, "Okay then. Well, I'm off."
She turned round and walked out of the door, looking down at the loofa she held and the guards escorted her to the backyard all the while starring at her naked flesh and wondering if anyone would mind if they pinched her bottom.
"This isn't going to work."
In one of the darker hallways of the large palace, a lone guard walked aimlessly and quiet off balance. It seemed that his stomach was oddly angled and misshapen. But that was probably because of Joey's knees on Kaiba's shoulders and his bottom nestled in Kaiba's soft brown hair. It hadn't been two minutes before they realized they were missing the multi-colored wig and hurried to get the one off that sleeping guard. Soon, they were on their way once again but not before Kaiba's muffled voice was heard and Joey sighed.
"Why do ya always have to be the one who has a negative attitude, huh, Kaiba? Just go with the flow. You've got Joey Wheeler here, can't nothing go wrong!" Joey proclaimed, his head tilted down to his stomach.
His stomach rolled his eyes, "That's exactly why something can go wrong. But, can you honestly say there isn't the least bit of a doubt in your mind about whether we'll be caught or not?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm six feet, Wheeler, how tall are you?"
"… Eh, I think five foot eight."
"Well, minus three feet because you're sitting on my head, we are currently eight foot eight. Who the hell is that tall?"
Joey blinked, "I thought you were until you just told me otherwise."
"Idiot! We're conspicuous."
"What's that mean?"
"…" Kaiba growled, "Stop talking to me, I'm your stomach."
"Oh."
It was quiet for a few more minutes. Joey remembered that Mokuba said Heidi was on the second floor and their cell was in the basement, so they had to go passed a few guards and were finally at the first floor which was pretty barren except a few Spike Patrollers and a girl or two. They reached another flight of stairs in less than ten minutes and started to climb again, much to Kaiba's detest. He hated climbing stairs with Joey on his head, it was stressful and, truth be told, he didn't want to drop the boy on his head. If only because he didn't want to cause further brain damage.
"Grr…" Joey winced and whispered, "Ey, Kaiba… Can we take a break? I need to scratch myself."
"Oh, you've got to be kidding."
"Nah, I'm not! Your hair is itching my crotch and it's driving me crazy!"
"You can't. Look at these men around us…" Kaiba lowered his voice, "It'll look weird if you start scratching in the middle of your stomach and your hand goes in. We'll be in MORE conspicuous."
"There you go, using those big words again." He began to whine and as they walked past other guards, they tilted their heads in wonder and they were beginning to draw a crowd, "Dammit…! I have to scratch!"
"Don't you dare." His stomach whispered harshly. He had to think fast, Joey was about to blow their cover and if he did, they'd be toast. Kaiba got an idea but shuddered at the very thought of it. 'Grr… I'll… I'll just have to do it. For Mokuba.' He thought and wriggled his arm up through the suit and began to scratch away at Joey's crotch.
At first Joey's eyes widened and he thought it tickled, but when Kaiba hit the right spot, his eyes rolled back in his head.
He purred, "Oh, yes, Kaiba… That's the spot, right there… Harder…!"
All the guards surrounding him, heard that bit all too clear and each looked at each other, almost horror stricken. The boy was now almost screaming someone's name and they thought it sounded like 'Kaiba', but weren't sure. As they neared him, taking precautious steps, Joey's eyes came back down from inside his skull and he moaned, "Oh, Kaiba, that felt so good… Where'd you learn to do it that fast…?"
"Mokuba." Came a voice from his stomach. "He does it all the time to me."
"Oh, well, I-" Joey stopped when he looked at two men who were standing in front of him, blinking and gaping. Joey gasped and cleared his voice, "Um, can I help you guys?"
One of them looked at him and glared, "What's going on over here?"
"Yeah." The other nodded, "Were you… just talking to your stomach?"
"Uh… Well, ya see…" Joey was starting to sweat and so was Kaiba. He could feel the wetness of perspiration through his jeans. "Um… My stomach is hungry… And since lunch time isn't for another hour, I'm talking to it to tell it to stop growling. I-Isn't that right, Mr. Stomach? Aren't you hungry?" Joey cooed to his belly, pinching what looked like his abdomen but was really Kaiba's nose.
The men looked at each other then back at the stomach.
Kaiba coughed, "Uh, that's right, Joey."
"OH!" Both guards, including a few surrounding ones jumped back and screamed running around in circles and the talking tummy. They sounded an alarm by blowing their whistles and shouted, "He's possessed! Someone get the bazooka!"
"Eek!" Both Joey and his stomach screamed, running in the opposite direction as a few men carried a rather large gun and were shooting missiles at the boys as they ran for their lives. They hopped out of the front door and ran towards the side lawns.
"Kaiba!" Joey shouted, holding onto the CEO's head, "That was a terrible idea!"
"Y-You can't blame me! I was just following your idiotic lead!" He turned a corner and hid behind a bush while the men ran past them, bombs and missiles flying everywhere. When they were sure they had passed, Joey told Kaiba to stand up and maybe they could get somewhere safe. Coming around another corner of the outside of the castle. Not two minutes later, they witnessed something odd.
"Wait, wait, stop here, Kaiba." Joey whispered and they came to a slow halt, hiding in the shadows, "Oh my god…"
"What is it?" Kaiba asked and not getting any response, he unzipped part of the jumpsuit so he could peek out. Out in the middle of a large lawn was a rather small pond. Sunbeams shown on it and reflected a sight of two people in it on the far side, both naked as the day they were born.
Kaiba started walking forward, hiding under bushes and in shadows, taking Joey along with him. Soon they were within ten feet of the two and could hear and see everything they did.
Yami was relaxing against the edge of the pool as a girl with brownish reddish hair used a loofa sponge to wash his chest and she did her best not to look down until she came to that part.
"Heh heh. Heidi." Yami smirked, looking down at the girl who was carefully washing him with one hand. The other hand was bandaged so it wouldn't get too wet, or maybe it was because Yami didn't want blood in the pond.
She looked up at him in question.
"You haven't said anything at all to me. Do you think that's exactly polite?" He said, tauntingly.
Heidi frowned and scrubbed his chest a tad bit harder, "… I don't usually make conversation with those who cut off my fingers."
He blinked and leaned back, "Oh, Heidi, you're hurting my feelings. I only do what's best for you, you know. If anything, you should thank me."
She almost choked, "E-Excuse me? I should, what? Thank you? Oh, okay. Thanks, Pharaoh Yami. Thank you so much for chopping off my fingers and forcing me to live off of elephant poop. Thanks for ruining my life and making me one of your lowly bathing girls. Thanks for having Serenity BRAND me!" Heidi stood up out of the water and pointed to the mark on her butt.
"… Hmm. I sense some hostility, Heidi, dearest."
"HOSTILITY? I'LL GIVE YA SOME HOSTILITY! YA BIG OLD FART-"
"Pharaoh Yami! Pharaoh Yami!" Came some voices right as Heidi was digging herself deeper into her proverbial grave. A few Spike Patrollers with a large bazooka in hand came over to the pond, panting. They were about to talk to Yami, apparently, but then noticed Heidi in all her naked glory and starred. She realizes she was out in the open and dunked back in the water, being laughed at by the Pharaoh.
"What is it that you wanted?" He addressed the men.
They shook themselves and nodded, "Pharaoh Yami, have you, perchance seen a man with a talking stomach come by here? We were perusing a guard who is apparently possessed by a…" He looked around and whispered, "Belly demon…"
Heidi sweat dropped, "Um.. You guys, a belly demon? I think you've been having too much of the vodka, lately?"
"But-" He began, but Yami held up his hand, silencing him.
"That's ridiculous. Get out of here before I chop your heads off. Go."
They scattered away, quickly though still on the look for their belly demon. Yami went back to his bath and made sure Heidi got all of his cracks and crannies. Under the bushes, Kaiba and Joey watched with fascination at how that woman controlled her gag reflexes for such a long period of time. It was then that they knew she was the girl they were looking for and knew the only heroic thing to do would be to swoop in a rescue her right from Yami's pond. They waited for the right moment to run like cowards back in the castle and finally found their cells.
Mokuba blinked, "Um… So, where's Heidi? Did you let her go into the city?"
"No."
Tristan tilted his head, "Um… did you even rescue her?"
"No."
Otogi groaned, "But, why?"
"She and Yami were taking a bath, naked."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"… Oh yeah. She needs rescuing."