The Days of Heroes
A/N: This is my surprise entry fic to the Dark Angel Gathering 2005 in Vancouver. Thanks to Alaidh for betaing and, well, conspiring, I guess.
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Max walked over to where Logan was. She knew he would be surprised to see her there, but she didn't expect much reception.
"Hey," she began, trying to convey that easygoingness that had come so easily in her youth, but even that simple word came out rusty and almost false to her ears.
"I'm sure you're wondering why I came back, after…after so long." Max never imagined that talking to him would be so hard. She wished that Logan would say something, anything, in return, just to make it easy to continue.
She knew he wouldn't.
"I've been on the east coast," she answered his unasked question. "As far away from you as I could get." The admission rang cold, but she pressed on, using him as her confessor. "I bounced around for a few years, state hopping. You know me, can't sit still for long, always gotta be moving. One step ahead. But I finally settled down…for a while, anyway." She wanted his laughter, or even his anger, but got a chilling silence instead.
Max wrapped her arms around herself, trying to bring some measure of warmth to her skin. She didn't expect this to be so hard. "I know Bling likely already told you this, but I just couldn't stay anymore. There was nothing left for me in Seattle. You couldn't even be there for me and—"
She broke off and cringed at the sound of blame in her voice. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It wasn't your fault. It was me. Bling even came and talked to me as I was packing. I don't know how he knew. Maybe you found out somehow and managed to tell him. All I know is I had decided to up and make a break for it, and five minutes later, he was at my door. He practically begged me to stay. He wanted me to come talk to you even then, but I knew I couldn't do it. Bling even tried to appeal to my conscience, although I really hated to tell him that I didn't have one. You always played that role, Jiminy Cricket."
Max paused again, remembering the day that the man she had considered a friend of sorts had showed up at her door, trying to plead and reason with her. His words were as vivid to her as though it had been yesterday. Everything about that day – those days – still came to her crystal clear, and assaulted her at the worst moments.
Max, what are you doing?
What's it look like I'm doing?
Running.
Then that's what I'm doing.
She smiled, as she remembered the look of shock on Bling's face as she quickly shoved her meager belongings into an old duffel bag. She hadn't really paid attention to what she was doing at the time. All she knew was that she had to get away as fast as she could. She'd ended up leaving the majority of her belongings behind, zipping up the bag and moving to leave. Bling grabbed her arm as she tried to pass him. She could easily have broken his grip – and likely his arm – but she stopped.
You don't have to do this, Max.
Yeah, I do.
He needs you here.
Max had glanced away from him, not wanting to see the look in his eyes. She knew he would be accusing her of giving up. He was right.
He doesn't need me, Bling.
If you talk to him, you might realize he does.
Are you insane? Trust me, that's the last thing he wants.
Talk to him.
No.
Why not?
It won't help anything.
Bling had paused his plea, realizing that bringing Logan into the mix wasn't helping. Max turned slowly away from him, and walked over to the window, watching the ever-present Seattle rain. He let her be quiet for a minute. He moved over to her, and put a gentle hand on her shoulder.
Then stay for Seattle. They need you.
I...
They do.
They got by without me before. They'll get by without me now.
They need somebody to be their hero. They need you.
The days of heroes are over, Bling. I can't be here for them anymore. I can't be here for you, or anyone else. He can't be here for me; I can't be here for him. There are no more heroes.
I never was a hero in the first place.
"And I left." She hastily wiped at a tear that had errantly streaked down her face. "I left, and I never looked back." She took a deep breath, and finally just sat. She had never been so formal with him before. "Seattle survived without me, you know. It survived without both of us. The world is still pretty broken, but it didn't completely shatter. I wouldn't have been able to be its hero even if I had stayed."
She paused, desperately wanting that old connection between them, instead of the space between them now. She took a deep breath, and then finally admitted what she had come to tell Logan.
"Cale asks about you all the time. He's got my last name – I thought it would be safer that way – but he's got you, too." She sighed. "He's all you. He reminds me every day of what I tried to escape from. I didn't know, when I left, that one night, before….well. You know what happened. I'm sure you remember how it worked. Even if I had known about Cale, I wouldn't have stayed. There was nothing left for any of us."
The tears flowed freely now, and she didn't bother to wipe them away. "I tell him that you were a hero. I tell him the stories of what you did…everything…no holds barred. He's still too young to understand some of it, I think. And I'm sure it's also not the best set of bedtime stories. Not that it really matters, since I'm not the best mom, either."
She sighed, and stood. "You were the hero, Logan. Never me. One day, Cale'll be the hero. He's got that from you, too. The days of heroes may have ended when you did, but they will be back with him, someday. That's your legacy."
Max began to walk away, and turned back to him. "I always loved you, you know. You were my hero, even when I thought you were a fool for being one. Even though it's what stopped you in the end. I always will love you, and you will always be my hero." She laid a hand on Logan's gravestone, and then left.
As she left, she whispered, "Bling was right. I should have talked to you a long time ago."