Chapter Fourteen
Ryan wondered about the high school morality and its total obliviousness to real life. As he held the little blonde in his arms, leaning on the tree the two gazed at the empty field with people occasionally walking through it. Ryan was deep in thought as he folded his hands neatly on Jess' perfectly built stomach. Jess' breath was steady, and even though Ryan didn't notice, she was smiling.
"I'm lucky." Jess finally said, breaking the silence with a soft voice. Ryan tried not to seem surprised, but he carefully shifted with his girlfriend in his lap. Girlfriend. It seemed so peculiar to him, so foreign. He almost laughed as he repeated it to himself in his mind numerous times.
"Why are you lucky?" Ryan asked answering Jess' yearning for him to ask. She wasn't at all explicit in why she was so lucky, and she was surprised that Ryan didn't wonder sooner.
"Ever since you came to this school, you've been the catch of the day. You're all girls talk about- Ryan Atwood this, that. I can't believe I snatched such a hottie all for myself. It kind of makes me want to change?" Jess almost asked as she raised her eyebrows. Ryan couldn't see her face which made him queasy as the face held all answers to all mysteries.
"Why do you have a rep of a bad girl?" Ryan asked carefully.
"Why do you?" Jess asked defensively.
"I asked you first." Ryan smiled as he held her tighter.
"I've been involved in a few things- no biggies. Your turn?"
"Same here." Ryan replied casually, not wanting to bring up his past- his future laid in Newport, and he couldn't change that anymore.
Ryan exhaled doubtfully, and Jess felt the tension. She escaped his strong arms, and instead she turned to face him. She sat cross-legged across from him, and smiled telling him it was okay to talk one on one.
"What is our being together worth?" Ryan asked, unintentionally hurting Jess- although she didn't show it. To Ryan, it was better said in his head rather then out loud, so he felt awkward when he got a reply. Ryan glanced over to a sudden rustle in a bush, so he could accentuate his uncomfortable feeling toward the situation. Jess touched his hand, but quickly pulled away when she felt the discomfort steaming in and about. Jess rolled her eyes.
"Are you in it for love or are you in it for pleasure?" Jess looked at Ryan anxiously, hoping he would answer what she would answer. Ryan thought for a minute, but the answer he was to give would certainly gain a laugh or two, from Jess.
"Love." Ryan replied frankly, not caring if Jess would mock him. Jess smiled, but it disappeared in a second's time. Instead she replaced it with an unfathomable look, that Ryan could not explain.
"Then we're in it for two different reasons." Jess said.
"Should we end it now, or end it when we loathe each other completely?" Ryan asked, almost knowing the answer he was to receive.
"I want to be friends. So, I guess it's over." Jess said, and with a nod she stood up and sauntered off. Ryan sat leaning against the tree, returning to his earlier thought: what was it all worth?
Ryan thought about Marissa- how she had different things on her mind.
Ryan thought about Seth- how he had hurt him on behalf of the girl that he hurt in the first place.
Ryan thought about Jess- how he would never know her girlfriend-wise again.
Ryan thought about himself, and yet he couldn't explain anything.
Before he came to Newport, he was just a guy infected with crime, hate and cruelty. He could no longer see himself poisoned with the love of crime- he no longer felt the rush. He didn't feel so dependant on doing wrong. It's as if he changed his life around, but by doing so he was inching the people he should love away from him. Ryan got up lazily, but when he smelt a scent of a beautiful girl sit next to him, he decided to stay sitting. He didn't dare look at the individual sitting next to him- he could only recognize her faint breathing, and proverbial boldness. There was only one girl capable of it all.
The girl sighed, which clarified Ryan's doubts- he knew it was Marissa, but still he did not want to look at her. He had hurt her too bad, even though he wasn't with Jess anymore. Marissa was so immaculate, and he scarred her delicate, fragile pride by throwing her away.
"The line I practised to open up with now seems too corny to even think about. So I'm speechless." Marissa said still gazing far ahead of her. She closed her eyes- it seemed that with her eyes closed, her pain would be indistinguishable. "I don't know what else to say, other then you have the wrong reputation for the wrong girl. I'm not who you think I am, Ryan. I may seem that way, but you out of all people should know that looks are deceiving. I know you're deeper then me- I know you probably won't give me the faintest chance now that you're with Jess," Ryan quickly interrupted Marissa.
"I'm not with her." Ryan said, and after saying this he soothed Marissa's intense jealousy. "Anymore." Ryan added, so Marissa wouldn't think of him a hypocrite.
"I'm usually so good with guys- I can say a mouthful of meaningless words, and they'll all buy it. With you, I'm afraid that the very little I think of to say will sound tremendously stupid. You already think of me as a slut, a whore, a btch- and I know because of the way you, and everyone else in this damned school look at me. Except I wish you'd give me a chance to show you the real Marissa Cooper. I wish you'd give me this one damn shot to show you the rumours aren't real. But you're so distant. You're one thing on the universe that I can't have, and it kills me to think that I might never have you either. God, what the hell am I doing here, talking to you like this. Just," Marissa paused not knowing how to go on, "Just forget it. I wasn't here. I didn't talk to you. I didn't kiss Seth because I wished it was you. Just forget it. Forget me, forget I ever saw you. Bet that won't be too hard, eh?" Marissa smiled quickly, trying to shake off the tear that travelled down her face. Marissa went to get up, but Ryan took her hand gently, and pulled her back down so he could say his own mouthful.
"Marissa, I don't know if I'm ready for you." This was all Ryan could muster, as he could see a few tears brim Marissa's subtle eyes. She smiled a very quick smile, and then she closed her eyes so Ryan could understand how much pain she was in.
"You know, that's okay." Marissa said daintily. She chortled a juicy yet careless laugh, "What's love worth anyways?" Marissa pressed her lips together, smudging the little lip-gloss. Ryan understood that Marissa was trying to cover up her strengthened melancholy. Ryan wished she wouldn't go- he willed her to stay so they could stare at each others' endlessness. But Marissa's heart cringed every time she had to look Ryan in the eyes. Her legs would deaden every time she imagined Ryan's careful touch. Marissa was overwhelmed with the severe thing called 'love' that only generated problems in her serene life.
"I'm sorry." Marissa breathed as she walked away still facing Ryan. She closed her eyes, and turned around. She started dashing away from the tree that Ryan was so comfortable at. Marissa ran to the middle of nowhere- apparently, a growth of bushes, trees, where she could let her sentiments flee.
Meanwhile, Ryan's cell phone started to ring incessantly- he was forced to interrupt his one moment where he could ponder, by picking it up. The annoyance was unmistakable in his voice when he answered the phone.
"Hello?" Ryan groaned.
"I'm assuming I have you to blame." Teresa's mother said forcefully into the phone. Ryan looked around unnecessarily, knowing she would not be around- however he was almost too confused to speak.
"Pardon me?" Ryan tried to ask politely, although the way he replied seemed very brutal and washed with attitude.
"My daughter's attempted suicide. I owe it to you?" Teresa's mother spoke in fragments, yet Ryan still could not put the puzzle pieces together. He hoped that phrase by phrase, he would learn more.
"What?" Ryan asked with perplexity cramming his voice.
"God, you're slow," Teresa's mother said coldly, "My daughter- Teresa. She overdosed; trying to commit suicide. She's alive- thank God. Your breaking up with her made her take the pills one after the other. She left a very brief note stating yadayada how much she loves me, her family, and how she loves her ex-boyfriend Ryan despite his breaking up with her. I was shocked, but at the same time I had a motive for her relentless actions." Teresa's mother spoke fiercely, and coldly as if Ryan were the one shoving the pills down Teresa's throat.
"I'm so sorry, but even my sympathy will not change it," Ryan started, questioning the severity in what used to be, someone very close's voice, "I did love Teresa with all my heart- I can not deny it. But the spark washed away, and I couldn't stand to keep her hopes up through a long distance relationship. I figured the more we denied the fact that it would not work, the harder the fall would be in the end. I'm sorry. I guess change is bitter in one way, sweet in the next." Ryan tried to seem candidly apologetic, but even that would not cover up his worry.
"Speaking of which. I called your household, and your mother said you were nowhere to be seen. I believe she was drunk then, so I didn't know if she was wasted or telling the truth. Guess the rumours are true then?" She asked contemptibly.
"I'm sorry to say, but yes. It is true. I no longer reside in Chino." Ryan attempted to seem sophisticated, but it was no use.
"Just cause you're a rich boy now, Ryan, doesn't mean you're someone you're not. Drop the 'I'm-better-then-you' and talk to me like you used to. For God's sake, I can hardly believe you go to some rich private school, with a rich girlfriend, a rich life, blah blah freaking blah. You're just going to leave your past?" Ryan imagined if he were having this conversation one-on-one with this appalling woman, her face would be an angry, pale white, her fists clenched and her body tense. He could not believe he once knew her as a calm, kind lady.
"I'm just trying to make this easier, for me and you to see that I'm different now. No matter how much I try I can't imagine life, like at Chino anymore."
"Because you've seen the better life. Once you're there, you can't go back- right?" Teresa's mother interrupted wickedly.
"Wrong. I can go back to Chino whenever I want to, BUT," Ryan said quickly so he wouldn't be interrupted, "I don't want to make it harder for those I left behind." Ryan said, "I'm sorry, but I really have to go. I'll come by to visit Teresa sometime; I really hope she's okay. I'm sorry, again."
"Speaking of which, Ryan Atwood," Her voice tensioned even more then it already was. "I want you to never speak to my daughter, Teresa, again. If you do, I am afraid I will have to bring the law into the situation. If you love her at all, you'll let her live. You know, suicide isn't a matter to toy with. Therefore, do not call her, speak to her, or meet with her any longer. You've done your share- which was more then enough. Let Teresa forget about you. Let her get over it." Teresa's mother said finally, before hanging up lucidly. Ryan followed her lead as he, too hung up.
Ryan was about to name this tree, upon which he leaned on, 'The Tree of Hell'. When he came to just think, he would be swamped with trouble- examples, him and Jess breaking up, Marissa and him talking about well 'love', him finding out about Teresa and her attempted suicide. This tree was overwhelming. This tree made life seem miserable, the life it gave. Ryan sighed, and he closed his eyes. Then he heard footsteps nearing, and someone coming to sit beside him- beside the Tree of Hell.
"I want to know what you feel towards Marissa, and why you're playing with her so bad. Because unless you haven't yet noticed, love isn't a game, and if you think that, you're an idiot." Seth said solemnly, afraid that Ryan would tackle him. Ryan could tell that these lines were well trained.
"She's a girl. Not necessarily 'the' girl. I don't know why I attacked you so bad back there. I'm sorry. It shouldn't have happened. I know what I'm doing to this girl is sht but I can't help it if I just don't feel right around her." Ryan replied sombrely.
"This isn't like marriage Ryan. You go out with a girl to see if it's the right thing. How will you ever know if you don't just freaking try?" Seth finally suggested. Ryan figured this was the first good thing that happened around the Tree of Hell. Ryan finally had a light bulb moment…