Chapter Two – As Pretty As A Rose (As Gentle As A Fly Trap)

'Heh, this should be easy,' Naruto assured himself.

Naruto was in between the sunflowers and the red tulips, stalking his prey: Yamanaka Ino. Her store was like a South African jungle, so it wasn't hard finding a place to hide.

'All I have to do is transform myself into Sasuke, ask for a kiss and presto: I've got Ino down pat!' Naruto smiled to himself and felt his pride swell up in expectation.

He turned to Chouji, whom he had asked to be his witness, also trying to remain hidden from their prey in between the baby palm trees and the Venus fly traps, and gave him a raised thumb to confirm his next move.

He returned with the 'ok' signal.

'Chouji better remember the plan!'

At that, Naruto silently transformed into Sasuke, something he hadn't done since he had (nearly) fooled Sakura, and stalked out from between the flowers, flashing Ino an award-winning, playboy smile.

Ino was busily flicking through the pages of a magazine, when she looked up at the boy with a surprise and admiration that would've made Fabio jealous.

"Sa-Sasuke-kun! Wai!" Ino cried, jumping up and down like a stereotypical, Japanese schoolgirl, which she was, technically.

Stars filled her eyes and she began drooling like a dog all over her counter.

Suddenly, a pained expression came over (Fake) Sasuke's face.

'Err… I didn't know Ino liked Sasuke this much…' Naruto said to himself with a degree of loathing for his sexy, dark-haired rival.

"Umm… h-hi, Ino-san!" Naruto waved happily at the girl.

"Hi, Sasuke-kun!" Ino cried excitedly. Naruto began to suspect that she had ruined her pants behind her little apron. He also began to suspect that she hadn't realized it herself.

Chouji gave him a reprimanding cough from his hiding spot.

'You're right, Chouji, that doesn't sound like Sasuke at all!' Naruto scolded himself. 'Let's try an introduction again!'

"Err… get away from me you… girl!" Naruto muttered in as deep a voice as he could muster, "I don't like girls… for some reason… I think I'm… gay…? "

'Yeah, that sounds like him!' Naruto cheered himself on.

Suddenly, the sound of a certain, round, male friend slapping his forehead was heard. Naruto had no idea why Chouji couldn't agree with his impersonation.

Ino stared at him with a confused look on her face. Naruto felt himself become nervous, as Ino's glare began to make him feel a little self-conscious.

"But don't worry, Ino-san, I have nothing against homosexuals, I can assure you," Naruto added reassuringly.

Ino continued to keep staring with the same confused expression painted on her face.

"But… I… err… like you… a lot! Yeah! You drive me nutso, Ino!" Naruto threw out in desperation.

Ino snapped out of her daze and the stars suddenly returned to her eyes.

"Re-really, Sasuke-kun? I knew it! You always have, haven't you?" Ino cried out in response.

"Yeah, sure. In fact…" Naruto trailed off.

He turned to Chouji and grinned at his plan's success.

"…I want you to kiss me, right now!" He replied.

"REALLY? OH MY GOD!" Ino yelled, slapping down hard on counter like some sort of animal.

'God, now I know why it sucks to be you, Sasuke.'

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Ino cried out as she leapt out from behind her counter and jumped towards the young man, claws stretched forward like some sort of crazy eagle.

Naruto leaned back, terrified by what the idea of a kiss from Sasuke had meant to this woman. An instinct kicked inside his head and he took a quick step back, dodging the killer young lady by an inch.

"Umm… wait, Ino. I need some time first, to, uh, check myself," Naruto begged her. "Give me a sec, will ya?"

Ino didn't listen as she clawed her way on the tiled floor towards her meat, in a classic scenario of hunters becoming the hunted.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" She cried out as if they were the only words she knew.

With the way her lips were pouted so unnaturally, she was like some sort of demonic fish-monkey. Like, there just wasn't a way to describe the inhumanity.

"Ino! Please! RELAX! OH MY GOD!" Naruto cried.

"Kiss! Kiss! KISS!"

Ino cried, as her fierce zombie-like hungers, which people had previously thought inexistent but had only lain dormant, began to surface in a violent rampage.

"SWEET JESUS! CHOUJI, HELP ME, DAMN IT!"

Naruto ran for the white roses and the wildflowers, trying desperately to keep the crate between him and the outraged, young girl.

He turned to the section Chouji had been hiding at.

"Ch- Chouji?"

But, by the time Naruto had turned to the door, he was already scampering out, running as fast as his two tumbler-legs could take him. That bastard.

Zombie Ino turned to the entrance at the sound of her door shutting closed and rushed over to it like an animal attracted to the noise.

Her hand came around and engaged about seven different locks with lightning fingers, before she turned around and peered for where her man would be hiding. She was also thoughtful enough to draw down the huge blinds that covered the huge windows facing the street.

"Oh no…" Naruto mumbled to himself.

"Sasuke-kun! Come out, please! I'll give you a…" He heard Ino call out to the store.

'I have to cancel this jutsu… but HOW? I just can't seem to remember at a time like this…'

"KISS! KISS! KISS! WAI!"

Naruto cringed as the Japanese-schoolgirl-slash-killer-monkey-fish came together in a violent explosion of passion and lust.

He watched as Ino stalked towards where he was hiding and checked to see if the path towards the daisies and the daffodils was clear, then made for a sprint towards them.

At the sound, Ino tore through a batch of her own flowers, searching anxiously for the long-deprived object of her hungry, hungry passions.

At his new hiding place, Naruto thought back to what the academy had taught him about the transformation technique. In his head, he projected a small figure of Iruka-sensei teaching him everything he needed to know about using the technique…

There were still certain holes in his understanding during the times he had napped, but he tried hard to recall what he knew.

Iruka had been standing behind his desk in their homeroom that day, saying:

"The transformation technique: a highly reliable technique that a shinobi must learn to use when in enemy territory. It provides a clever disguise that (blank)… and can be used too (blank). You must always remember, when using the technique that (blank). Oh and one more thing: if ever you find yourself in a situation when your own teammates cannot tell its you, or, a crazy, horny young girl tries to tear you apart, armed with nothing but her tongue, make sure you cancel the jutsu by using the (MASSIVE BLANK). These hand seals will bring you back to normal in less than a second! Hey, Uzumaki and Nara again? WAKE THE HELL UP! BOTH OF YOU!"

'Aww…I'm sorry I didn't listen, Iruka-sensei,' Naruto yelped inside, resting his face in his two palms. He was screwed and he knew it.

"Sa…su…ke?" Ino cried devilishly, trying to find her kiss-kiss target. "I'm… taking… off… my… clothes…"

"NO, PLEASE DON'T!" Naruto cried out suddenly, inadvertently revealing his position. "SHIT!"

"Got ya!" Ino cried, dressed only in her white, lacy underwear, as she hopped towards the source of the noise, her legs caught between her apron and pants.

"Get away from me! Get away from me, Ino!"

"Ohhh… you're all mine now, Sasuke-kun! KISS! KISS! KISS!" She laughed evilly.

Naruto turned to his right, and then, to his left, searching desperately for an escape.

Ino had him cornered. There was no way out for him to run.

"NO INO! GET BACK! GET AWAY FROM ME, INO! NOOOOO!"

The blood-curdling death scream made the little roses bend down.

"Oh… okay…" Naruto coughed from his hospital bed.

His face, his clothes, even his shoes, damn it, was covered in bright, pink lipstick stains. It was the Kunoichi No. 5 brand of lipstick that Ino happened to use quite regularly.

Chouji could clearly notice that, as he stared down at his friend with pity in his eyes.

"Sorry, Naruto…" His friend apologized. "But… I thought she was going to kill me! There's so much more food I needed to try… I didn't want to die so young!"

"It's… it's… okay. I'm just lucky I got out of there alive… I mean... look at me! Sasuke can't see me like this!" Naruto cried to his friend.

"That's so strange: I didn't know the jutsu could last for up to twelve hours in the average Genin if not cancelled. You only just turned back to your normal self half an hour ago! Couldn't you remember how to turn back?"

"Well… it KIND OF slipped my mind while I was being... RAVAGED by one of Sasuke's fan girls," Naruto wheezed in pain.

"Sorry, Naruto," Chouji looked down again.

Suddenly the nurse walked into Naruto's room to check his charts. The boys became silent in the presence of the old lady.

"Are you Naruto's friend? I'm sorry but you'll have to leave soon. Our little Naruto here took quite a beating today. I can't explain why his attacker would have wanted to kiss him all across his body but… well, at least he's stable. You see some strange things working in this hospital, I tell you," The old nurse giggled to herself.

"Sure, ma'am, but can't… my friend Chouji have five more… minutes?" Naruto asked weakly.

The nurse promptly nodded and left.

"Okay, Chouji… you weren't there to be my witness, but, how about… I'll shout you a bowl of ramen at Ichiraku… if you… if you lie for me and tell Sasuke... that you saw me kiss…kiss…kiss Ino."

"Well, it's the least I could do after leaving you alone like that… of course I'll do it, Naruto," Chouji took Naruto's hand, painted almost entirely in pink Kunoichi No. 5. He tried rubbing at the stains, but they were so deep, so 'in there', that they wouldn't fade from his skin.

He looked deep into his friend's eyes and vowed never to leave a fellow man alone on the battlefield, like he had done that day, ever again.

"By the way, Naruto…" Chouji whispered, brushing a tear from his cheek.

"Yes… yes… my sweet, darling friend… dear, Chouji," Naruto coughed.

"Do they still serve the famous pork-chop Ramen at Ichiraku?" Chouji asked curiously.

Suddenly, the heart monitor next to Naruto's bed began to pulse at an alarming rate.

"Grr, Chouji! Get out! Get out now! You better be there when I meet Sasuke!" Naruto growled.

"Yipes! Sure, Naruto!" Chouji cried, leaving a frustrated Naruto alone to his bed.

'Well… at least… that's one… down.'

Naruto told himself, as he closed lipstick-smudged eyelids to sleep.

'One… down…'