Chapter 4

The next morning Jonathan kept his promise about the ring. Together they went down to Tiffany's and picked out something to T'Pol's liking. Her choice was simple but elegant, and not too costly -- a platinum band with a single cut diamond.

While they were there, Jonathan thought it prudent to pick out wedding bands. They'd discussed this over breakfast and were both in favour of a brief engagement. They picked out plain gold bands -- again T'Pol didn't wish for anything elaborate.

Happy with their purchases, they left the store. Before returning to his apartment, they stopped by the local grocery store to get a few food items. When they returned to his place, T'Pol prepared for her meeting with Admiral Gardner.

They hadn't discussed their career plans yet, and Jonathan asked her if she was offered her own command, how she'd respond.

"I'd suggest to Admiral Gardner that I'd accept only if I could have you as my first officer," she teased, finding it amusing to think of their role reversals.

"Yeah, very funny, T'Pol. I was being serious."

"I am aware of that, and was attempting to inject a little levity into the situation. By the way, if the Admiral notices my ring, am I at liberty to tell him who it's from?"

That was a good question. Mulling it over for a few seconds, he answered, "Yeah, we have nothing to hide, sweetheart. Besides, I'm not your commanding officer any longer so Starfleet has nothing to gripe about."

"That's true."

"Anyway you still haven't told me what you'll do if you are offered your own command," he asked, as he unpacked the groceries and put them away.

T'Pol pulled up a kitchen stool. "My career is not my priority any longer, you are, Jonathan. I would make no decision or give anyone an answer until I first consulted with you."

"But what do you want?"

"At the moment, just to enjoy our lives together," she answered.

"I know that's not enough for you, you've worked hard all your life. I don't want you to give up any career opportunities for me."

"I'm not saying I am, just that you now figure into any decision I would make. Have you decided to take the position of Admiral?" she asked.

"I don't know, I was going to discuss it with you."

"As I told you yesterday there are benefits to being stationed here, instead of a starship. For starters, you can actually have a private life."

She had a point. He imagined them picking out a house — if they stayed here he'd want somewhere a little bigger than this place, maybe with a garden for Porthos to roam around in. A house on the beach would be ideal, where they could go for quiet walks along the shoreline in the evening, discussing the day's events. Hmm…he rather liked that idea.

"If I took the Admiral job, what would you do?" As far as he recalled, she hadn't been offered any positions on Earth.

"Well I have it on good authority that a certain Ambassador may be retiring. He was thinking of suggesting me as his replacement — but not until I consented."

"You speaking of Soval?"

"Indeed."

"Are you interested in the position?"

"I've always been interested, Jonathan. It would be a great honor to represent my people here on Earth."

"Then I think you should give Soval your answer."

"And you, Jonathan? Would you be happy here on Earth?"

"I'd be happy anywhere as long as you were at my side, T'Pol." He pulled up a chair and sat beside her, placing his hand over hers. "Maybe it's time to let the younger guys have their turn at exploring."

"You wouldn't have to give it up forever."

"I know," he smiled. "Maybe it really is time for a change. A fresh start would be good for me."

She took his face in her hands, and gently pressed her lips to his. "I'll tell Admiral Gardner I already have a job lined up. Would you like me to tell him of your acceptance?"

"Thanks, but no, I think it would sound better coming from me."

She agreed and went into the bedroom to change into her uniform for her meeting with the Admiral. She chose to wear the light blue one. She had a bite to eat before she left — Jonathan had prepared a salad for, and then she departed for Starfleet Headquarters.

She returned two hours later, finding Jonathan at his desk, hunched over his computer.
She walked up to him; placing her hands on his shoulders and massaging out the kinks.

"Mmm…that feels nice."

"I would have thought you'd have wanted to take a break from computer work. You certainly spent enough hours staring at a screen whilst on Enterprise," she commented, trying to knead out a particularly stubborn knot.

"Yeah I know, I was checking out some facts about how long it takes to obtain a marriage license and if there's a wait to get a date at the local courthouse for a civil ceremony."

She asked him what he'd learnt. He replied that a license would take about 3 days and the next available date for a civil ceremony was in approximately two weeks.

"How did your meeting with Gardner go?" he inquired.

"Very well. The Admiral hadn't requested my presence to offer me my own command, but had been recruited by Soval to try and convince me to take the position of Ambassador."

"T'Pol, that's amazing! What did you say?"

"That I was definitely considering it. I went to see Soval afterwards and requested that he pass my name onto his superiors as a possible candidate."

He got up out of his chair and threw his arms around her. "Sweetheart, I'm so happy for you! It will be quite an honor to be the husband of the Vulcan Ambassador."

"Don't speak too soon, I have to be approved first, and there are other candidates."

"They don't stand a chance against you."

After dinner that night they sat and discussed their wedding plans. They both agreed there was no need for a long engagement, and Jonathan booked the courthouse for the civil ceremony to take place in about two weeks. As for a Vulcan ceremony, T'Pol told him she'd get in touch with the consulate in Sausalito. There was a small building that resembled a temple on the premises where weddings and other ceremonies were often performed.

"Think there might be a problem with you marrying a human?" he asked.

"There might be an objection at first, but when they find out who it is, I doubt it. Besides, I think Soval can put in a good word for you."

"I'd appreciate it, though I'm already indebted to him."

"In what way, Jonathan?"

"Well he was the one who assigned you to Enterprise, wasn't he?"

"Hmm…that is true," she mused, wondering how different her life would have been if she hadn't been given that assignment. She was grateful for what Soval had done herself.

They continued to discuss their plans and Jonathan broached the subject of them getting a house in San Francisco if her assignment went through. She liked the idea and even hinted at a place on the beach.

"You and I think alike, sweetheart."

"I would say we are very much in tune to one another. It's been that way for a long time. We make a good team."

"I wouldn't argue with that," he said.

She stroked her two fingers against his in a Vulcan embrace, then kissed him. "I realize this is just the beginning, but I know we will be happy together. Call it Vulcan intuition or instinct, but I am certain of it."

"Me too," he agreed, returning her kiss. "Just the beginning…yup we have a whole load of memories to make together. I know I'm gonna enjoy making them, starting with right now."

He picked her up in his arms and carried her across the living room.

"Jonathan, what are you doing?"

"Just practising."

"For what?"

"Carrying you over the threshold on our wedding night. Just another one of those Earth traditions I'm kinda fond of. You'll have to tell me if there's any Vulcan ones you'd like enacted."

He walked into the bedroom with her still in his arms and slammed the door shut with his foot.

"I think there may be a few," she said. "We could consult the Kir'shara."

"Sounds like a plan," he answered, depositing her on the bed.

"I believe Surak and his wife…"

She didn't get a chance to finish her sentence.

While the following week was spent making plans for their wedding, honeymoon and future, today was a day set aside in remembrance of a lost friend and comrade.

Jonathan slipped out of bed, put on a T-shirt and drew open his bedroom drapes slightly to gaze out the window. The weather seemed to reflect his mood — it was grey and the window was covered in droplets of rain. The memorial service was supposed to take place outside; Jonathan pondered if Admiral Gardner might move it inside now if the drizzle of rain turned to a downpour.

"It's only 6am," a familiar female voice whispered into his ear, as she curled her arms around his waist. "Come back to bed," she beckoned.

"Can't sleep, sweetheart."

"I assumed as much. You tossed and turned all night."

"I'm sorry, did I keep you awake?"

"I awoke once or twice, but I soon drifted back off. I know today's going to be hard on you. Do you want to talk about it?"

He turned around from the window to face her and gaze into her beautiful green eyes. They were filled with concern for him. He was glad he didn't have to face this day alone, he didn't think he would have had the strength. He had to be brave for Trip's parents and relatives and all of Starfleet who'd be looking on.

"Sometimes it just doesn't seem real, T'Pol. I trick myself into thinking that maybe it was all some joke and he's gonna knock on my door and say "hey fooled ya!" And then I realize I'm just lying to myself by thinking that way. But dammit…he was so young!"

T'Pol could hear the anger and frustration in Jonathan's voice. She knew only too well how much Trip had meant to him. It might not have been demonstrated on a day to day basis on board the ship, but now and then she'd witnessed with her own eyes how much the young engineer had meant to his captain.

She couldn't find the adequate words to offer comfort, but hugged him to her instead. Jonathan wrapped his arms tightly around T'Pol and buried his head in her hair.

"Thank God you're here," he whispered after a few moments of silence. She could hear the emotion in his voice. Today was going to be hard for him. It was going to be hard for all of them — the whole Enterprise crew had been invited to assemble for today's memorial service to honor their fallen comrade.

"Why don't you get another hour of sleep?" Jonathan suggested, as he gently released her. She was correct in her comment about it being early.

"I'm not sleepy, I might as well get up too."

They both sauntered into the kitchen and Jonathan put the coffee on. He felt incredibly tired, but it was more of an emotional exhaustion than physical fatigue. He'd got about 2 hours sleep last night, and he knew he'd be feeling the effects of it later in the day if he didn't get some caffeine into his bloodstream.

He sighed heavily as he turned the percolator on. All this time he'd been fooling himself. Finding happiness with T'Pol and making plans for their upcoming future, he'd been able to somehow shut out the pain over Trip's death. Perhaps that hadn't been the wisest course of action. He'd have to deal with his grief head on today.

Jonathan wasn't one to give way to floods of tears. He was the kind of person that, for the most part, kept his emotions locked inside. But each time he recalled the last time he'd seen Trip alive — the image of the young man lying on the bio-bed being rolled into the imaging chamber and giving him a wink…both knowing full well there was no hope — he felt a choking sensation in his throat and his eyes would begin to smart. That image had haunted him for the last few days.

Trip had had so many near scraps and yet always come out the other side unscathed in the end. Why not this time?

T'Pol opened the fridge door and poured herself a glass of apple juice. She wasn't very hungry. She might make herself some plomeek broth before they left, but for the moment the juice would suffice. She seated herself on one of the kitchen stools and looked up at Jonathan.

"Would you rather be alone?" she asked.

"No." He pulled up a stool across from her and sat down while he waited for the coffee to brew. "I'm not very good at this, even though I'd had plenty of experience."

"I know," she replied. He had had plenty of experience — both his parents, A.G., Admiral Forrest and now Trip. "I don't think it's something one is supposed to be good at. We all have our own ways of grieving, Jonathan."

"Yeah. I'd blocked it out of my mind. So much has been happening over the last two weeks — the speech, the conference, then us. I hardly had a moment to think about Trip. I guess basically I didn't want to deal with the pain."

"But you can no longer run away from it?"

"Right." He got up and poured himself a cup of coffee, adding a dash of milk and a spoonful of sugar. He sat back down and sipped the steaming liquid.

"I'd have liked him to be there at our wedding."

"I know," she answered.

"I wanted him to get his own command one day." She nodded in agreement.

"I keep asking myself why, but I can't find any answers."

"Jonathan, he knew what he was doing, and the risks. How many times have you put yourself in the line of fire for the ship and the crew? He was doing no different."

Jonathan guessed she was referring to the time he'd volunteered for the suicide mission to blow up the Xindi weapon on Azati Prime. Or the time he'd willingly infected himself with a virus in order to help the doctor treat Hoshi and Trip.

"You're right, but still…"

"I know it hurts…but time heals all wounds. Did you yourself not tell me that on Enterprise?"

"Yes, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I remember."

"Trip will always be alive in your mind and heart, Jonathan."

"Yes…he will." He paused and took another sip of his coffee. "By the way, I asked Admiral Gardner to promote Trip to Captain before the service, so it will read that way in the Starfleet annuals and his service record. I think he deserved it, and I'm certain he would have been offered his own command now anyway."

"That's a very touching gesture. I'm sure Mr and Mrs Tucker will be moved."

"Yeah they've sure been short changed. First Elizabeth and now Trip."

"It must be hard," she acknowledged. "Parents don't expect to outlive their children."

"No."

He stared off into space, reliving memories of years past, recalling how he'd first meet Trip and how glad he'd been to meet someone on his side, who was willing to take the Vulcans on with regards to his father's engine. He remembered Trip was the first person he called after he'd been promoted to captain and given Enterprise. He'd called to say he was making good on his word — he'd promised the young engineer that if he ever got assigned his own ship, he'd sign him up in a second. There never were any other candidates for Chief Engineer on the NX-01. Trip had always been the first and only choice.

T'Pol finished her juice, placing her glass in the sink. She told Jonathan she was going to take a shower and get dressed. He nodded in acknowledgement. As she walked past him, she gently kissed him on the cheek, running her fingers through his hair in a soothing manner.

He looked up at her and smiled, but with sadness.

"I'll leave you with your memories, Jonathan." She assumed that was the reason he'd been staring into space for the last five minutes. "I'll check on you in a bit." As she was about to leave his side, he grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently.

"I love you."

"I know."

She walked into the bedroom, shut the door quietly and headed for the bathroom.

The rain never turned into a downpour, but it didn't desist either. Instead, the faint drizzle continued. It wasn't enough for Gardner to order the service to be held indoors, and so as planned, it was held outside, in the gardens of Starfleet.

Admiral Gardner had spoken to the Tucker family about the memorial service and they'd been touched that he'd suggested such a thing. They were planning a private funeral for family members only to be held in Florida, and after the service here in San Francisco they would fly Trip's body back home to be buried in a local cemetery.

Jonathan and T'Pol stood dressed in black under umbrellas as they listened to Admiral Gardner speak of Trip's exemplary service record and what an asset he'd been to Starfleet. Across from them stood the Tucker clan — Trip's parents, aunts and uncles, cousins and his older sister with her husband and children from Ireland.

To the right of Jonathan stood Enterprise's senior staff: Malcolm, Hoshi, Travis and Dr Phlox. Behind them the rest of the ship's crew stood. Jonathan glanced to his far right and noticed a few young ladies he recognised: Natalie — the one from Pensacola that Trip had broken up with a few weeks into their first mission. Then he saw Lisa, the girl Trip had vacationed in Tarpon Springs with. And then last but not least, Ruby from the 602 Club stood at the crowd's edge.

Trip's casket, decorated with the Starfleet flag, lay before them.

Jonathan listened to Gardner's words and knew he was up next. He had that horrible choking feeling in his throat again, but he had to be composed when it was his turn to speak. He was glad it was raining — he would have hated the sun to shine on such a sad day. Somehow it felt appropriate.

"…and now I'd like to pass over to Captain Archer, Commander Tucker's commanding officer who has a few words to say," Gardner announced.

T'Pol gave Jonathan a quick squeeze of the hand, and he walked up to the front of the audience. He surveyed the people looking on at him, knowing they expected him to give some uplifting pep talk. He'd tried to put something together late last night, but nothing adequate had come to mind. Besides, he was about to talk about his friend, and somehow having a rehearsed speech didn't seem right. He wanted to speak from the heart. He cleared his throat and began.

"There's nothing wrong with that engine — those were the first words I heard Trip utter when I met him. It was a retort in answer to someone who'd suggested my father's engine design was unsound. To say it got my attention was an understatement. It was nice to have someone on my side for a change."

The words seemed to flow naturally just as the memories flooded back to him. He continued, "That was about 17 years ago and was the beginning of a special friendship. Without Charles Tucker III, so many things wouldn't have been possible. I know Admiral Gardner's been filling you all in on the Commander's exemplary service record, but it didn't include the night Trip helped me and my friend A.G. Robinson steal the NX-Beta right from under Starfleet's nose. Without Trip's help that night, I think the Warp 5 Project might still be in mothballs."

The story of the three of them bending the rules seem to elicit sad smiles and laughter through tears amongst the audience.

"I'm not going to stand here and give you a lot of facts and figures about Trip's engineering prowess, I just want to say that I share your sense of loss and pain. Trip was a great guy, loved amongst the Enterprise crew. He was the one with the smile on his face, cheery even when the situation seemed bleak and always concerned about crew morale.

He was well known for instigating movie nights and his choice of movies was renowned over the ship. If some monster or horror flick was showing, the whole crew chuckled, knowing full well he'd picked it."

Jonathan paused, collecting his thoughts. He glanced over at T'Pol, and their eyes locked. She'd been intently listening to him. He inhaled deeply and pressed on.

"He wasn't just my chief engineer or a fellow officer — he was a good friend."

Jonathan looked down at the sodden grass for a moment, contemplating whether he should speak aloud the thoughts running through his head. They were personal, but he wanted to share this with all of Trip's family so they knew.

"Being someone's captain and still maintaining that friendship isn't always an easy task." There was an emotional crack in his voice. This was hard, but he needed to say this.

"A captain needs to keep his crew at a certain distance, however much he wants to befriend them, sadly it's just the way it is. So I wasn't always there for him like I would have liked to be. There were times when I felt we'd grown apart…probably most of all during the Xindi mission when I seemed to pull away from everyone.
But over the last few years I'd felt our old camaraderie return and I'm grateful for that."

Jonathan recalled their last evening drink together just before the alien intruders boarded. In three days they'd be in San Francisco and Jonathan's speech still wasn't written. Trip ribbed him about it being the biggest day of his life and how he was waiting until the last minute to write the thing. He thought about saying something to the audience about this moment and then decided not to. He didn't want to share those final moments he shared with Trip with anyone else. It was private and special — just between him and his friend.

He cleared his throat again; it felt as dry as tinderwood. He needed a glass of water. Not wanting to waffle on, he attempted to bring closure to his words.

"I had a lot of dreams for my chief engineer and friend. I'd hoped to see him follow in my footsteps and have a command of his own. Sadly now I'll never see that realized."

He glanced over at Admiral Gardner who gave him a nod to say it was okay to mention this. "However, I'm proud to announce that Starfleet are bestowing upon Trip the honorary title of Captain Charles Tucker III and his service record will display that."

The announcement was greeted with a brief round of applause. Jonathan hoped the Tucker clan would be pleased with the gesture. He caught Charles Tucker II's approving glance as he walked back towards T'Pol.

After the service, there was a reception held indoors inside the ground floor conference room in one of Starfleet's main office buildings.

"Your words were very touching, Jonathan," Trip's mother told him. "And I know you were behind the honorary promotion — it had your name written all over it. It means a lot to both Charles and me that you did this."

"It's what would have happened as a natural progression, Mrs Tucker. I wanted him to get what he deserved."

"Well I know it wouldn't have happened without you. And despite what you said earlier, I know you were always there for my son. He told me what a good captain and friend you were to him."

Jonathan smiled. "That was kind of him to say so."

T'Pol walked up to them, joining Jonathan at his side.

"I'd like to introduce you to Commander T'Pol, Mrs Tucker. She was my first officer aboard Enterprise."

"And your bride-to-be, if I hear correctly." Jonathan looked a little taken aback, he hadn't realized his upcoming nuptials were public knowledge.

"I'm pleased to finally meet you, T'Pol. Trip told me a lot about you," Mrs Tucker said, offering her hand.

"It is good to meet you, Mrs Tucker," T'Pol replied shaking the hand that was offered. She wondered how much Trip had told his mother about her.

"And Jon, don't look so shocked. You'll have to blame Ensign Sato for spilling the beans, but don't mind her, she meant well. And I'd like to offer my congratulations to both of you, and my best wishes for your future happiness. My only regret is Trip not being around to see you finally tie the knot."

"Mine too," Jonathan replied.

"I'm very sorry for your loss," T'Pol added. She felt it was the least she could do. These kinds of situations were awkward.

"Thank you, dear. I want to say thanks for being a good friend to Trip — he said you helped him through a rough time, especially after Elizabeth's death. I know that meant a lot to him."

"He was a good friend to me as well, Mrs Tucker. He will be greatly missed by all of us."

T'Pol's intuition told her that Trip had been discreet about their one night affair so many years ago and never divulged anything to his parents. For this she was grateful — she hadn't wanted Mrs Tucker to go away thinking Trip had been hurt and used by her.

Trip's father joined them at this point, giving Jonathan a hearty pat on the back and thanking him for his moving speech. Jonathan introduced Mr Tucker to T'Pol.

"Pleased to meet ya. Nice to put a face to the name," Charles noted. T'Pol thought Trip took after his father, the similarities were uncanny, it was almost as if she were looking at an older version of Trip.

After exchanging polite pleasantries, the Tuckers excused themselves as they had other guests to speak to.

Jonathan and T'Pol mingled with other people briefly and then spent the rest of the time with the senior crew who'd gathered together in one corner of the room. They spent the time exchanging stories about Trip and sharing in the memories together.

By late afternoon, most of the guests had left. Jonathan and T'Pol bid goodbye to Mr and Mrs Tucker, once again offering their utmost sympathies.

"Keep in touch, Jon. We'd like to hear from you now and again," Mrs Tucker requested.

"Sure thing," he smiled.

Jonathan removed his black jacket, hanging it back in his wardrobe. Taking off his tie, he undid the top two buttons of his white shirt. Kicking off his shoes, he walked into the living room and poured himself a whisky.

He sat down next to T'Pol on the sofa.

"You look tired," she noted.

"Yeah, I feel tired. It's been a long day."

"It has," she agreed, leaning on his shoulder. He placed his arm around her and drew her closer to him.

"What you said about Trip…I'm sure it meant a lot to his family. I was surprised at your openness, especially what you said about our time in the Expanse."

"I felt it needed to be said. And it wasn't just Trip, I guess I wasn't really there for anyone in particular, was I?"

"Jonathan…" She didn't think this was the time to bring up these memories. Trip's memorial service had been painful enough; she didn't want him to start wallowing in guilt for something that had happened so many years ago.

"No, it's okay. Yeah I know I probably shouldn't rehash it now, but sometimes I really wish I'd done things differently."

"I agree that you were very focused on the mission, but in a way I can understand that. You had a lot of responsibility riding on your shoulders. Besides, I'm sure we all have regrets about things that happened in the Expanse."

T'Pol had many regrets — what had started out as a way for her to be closer to Jonathan and aid the crew in finding the Xindi had turned into a nightmare of drug addiction and loss of emotional control. Coupled with that she'd hurt a friend and used him. Yes, she was grateful for Trip's discretion and for his forgiveness. Just like Jonathan, she also wished she'd done things differently.

Silence filled the room as both were lost in their thoughts.

"You okay?" he asked, after a few minutes.

"I believe so."

"You sound not sure."

"No, it's not that…I'm just ruminating."

"About Trip?"

"Yes."

"About you and Trip?"

He tentatively asked the question. They'd never really discussed her relationship with his friend, yet his gut told him that's what was on T'Pol's mind. Something today had triggered those thoughts.

When she'd told him that there'd been nothing between her and Trip except friendship on the day of his big speech, he hadn't enquired further and he'd taken her word for it. Her exact words had been that most of the time they'd been just friends — but that didn't mean all of the time. Basically at some point Trip and T'Pol had been romantically involved. He'd never cared to hear the details, but now wondered if T'Pol needed to speak about it.

"Yes," she answered.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he offered.

"Perhaps…we've never really discussed it, have we, Jonathan?"

He sat up straight and took a sip of the alcohol from his glass. "Not in detail, no."

"I was thinking how grateful I am that Mrs Tucker was ignorant of the fact that we'd ever been involved."

"Yes…it seemed that way," he agreed.

"It was kind of her to offer her congratulations on our engagement."

"I thought so, especially under the circumstances."

"Indeed."

Silence again.

"I used Trip," she blurted out, breaking the silence. "I am not proud of my actions. It wasn't even a romantic relationship, Jonathan."

Jonathan could tell she wanted to get this off her chest so encouraged her to continue.

"Our so-called relationship consisted of one night spent together while I was under the influence of Trellium." She paused, the memory making her feel a little nauseous.

"Do you want a glass of water?" Jonathan offered. She looked a little off-color.

"Please."

He got up and walked over to the kitchen, retrieving a glass from one of the cupboards. As he filled the glass, he thought back to when she'd finally told him about her Trellium addiction.

It was after they'd returned from the Expanse, and just before she'd been officially given her Starfleet title of Commander. She'd told him she didn't want to take the position under false pretences. He'd listened to her every word, at first not believing his ears, then slowly letting the information sink in. His initial reaction had been one of shock and he'd glared at her, speechless for around 30 seconds. Then he'd reprimanded her with that angry whisper of his. He couldn't comprehend why she'd do something so stupid.

As she'd attempted to explain she also agreed that there had been no excuse whatsoever for her actions and she was prepared for any punishment he deemed fit. He'd responded by saying that he needed to think it over. Two days later he'd summoned her to his Ready Room aboard Enterprise. He told her that despite her error in judgement, she was still the best first officer in the fleet, and he couldn't imagine having any one else by his side. He was grateful that her conscience had bothered her to the point of confession, and he valued her honesty. Besides, it wasn't as if he'd been a saint in the Expanse — they'd all made mistakes, hopefully they'd learn from them.

He returned to her side, handing her the glass.

She thanked him, took a sip and continued. "The following morning I brushed him off as if he'd been some lab rat I'd experimented on. I was neither encouraging of the relationship or apologetic in my use of him."

"I see. I had no idea. I thought it was a little more long term than that. At least that's what I'd heard…"

"Heard?"

"The gossip about you and Trip was rife aboard Enterprise."

"Yes I imagine it was." She took another sip of water, recalling the time Trip had warned her about shipboard gossip. She'd thought nothing of it, and responded that whatever was going on between them was nobody else's business — not that anything but neuropressure was going on. She'd had no idea these so-called rumours had reached the captain.

"Did Trip wish to continue the relationship?" Jonathan had never been entirely sure what his friend's feelings for the Vulcan had been — whether it had been friendship, infatuation or something more.

"I believe at first he did. We'd become close during our neuropressure sessions, but I assumed it was only friendship. When I thought it could be something more…well that night that we spent together — I had planned it to prove a point."

"It was pre-meditated?" Jonathan was surprised.

"Yes, and believe me, I loathe saying this. I can't defend my actions except by saying that my judgement was completely skewed. When I realized that Trip found me attractive and enjoyed my company I experienced something I never had before as a Vulcan. I was flattered by his attentions. But then I learned he was spending time with a female MACO and I discovered a new emotion triggered by my Trellium usage."

"Jealousy?"

She hated to admit it. "Perhaps. I felt a little threatened. I'd enjoyed the attention and now felt as if I was going to lose it." She paused and took another sip of water. "Discussing this now, I feel as if I'm talking about another person."

He squeezed her hand reassuringly. "Recalling the time I put the Osaarian in the airlock to get him to talk doesn't sound much like me either."

"No, it doesn't," she agreed, then continued with her story. "So one night during our regular neuropressure session I seduced him. And that was that." She placed her glass squarely on the table and stared out into the living room. She couldn't make eye contact with Jonathan at the moment.

"He didn't find your behaviour out of the ordinary?" Jonathan tried to imagine how he might have reacted if T'Pol had come to him instead. Would he have caved or would he have questioned what was going on with her? He wanted to think it would have been the latter.

"Not that I know of. We didn't really talk until the next day, and that was when I gave him the impression of using him like a laboratory experiment. I was cold, calculating and distant."

"You didn't want to further the relationship?"

"No. I returned to my cabin that night but found I couldn't sleep. I tried to meditate but to no avail. I knew what I'd done was wrong. A Vulcan in her right mind would never have done such a thing. Vulcans don't have one night stands — usually they mate for life and with their bond mate. I had thought the experience would have been gratifying, but instead it elicited feelings of guilt and remorse. I knew then that I had to put a stop to it. In the morning I would be calm and collected, and try to put the Commander off any notions of furthering our liaison. I was concerned that he'd probably misinterpreted my actions as some sign of romantic affection for him. Instead, it had been a selfish act — I had just wanted to prove that I was the first choice, and that I was the one that was really desired."

"So what happened after you talked?"

"It was awkward but we agreed to continue the neuropressure sessions. After speaking with him, I wondered if I hadn't made myself clear enough — that perhaps he was acting under the misconception that I did wish to continue the relationship. But during our next session together, I think he realized that's not what I wanted."

"Did something happen then?"

"No. The session was very clinical, more like between doctor and patient, than between friends or colleagues. I didn't make any attempt at explanations, but I believe my actions alone got the message across."

"I see."

"It wasn't until I addressed my problem with Trellium, and started to get treatment from Phlox that I tried to be Trip's friend and make up for my mistake. I think we both finally came to the agreement that we'd be better off as friends anyway."

"Right."

T'Pol continued, "Even before that, I think he had an inkling as to where my true feelings lied."

"He did? How?"

"When you went on your suicide mission to blow up the Xindi weapon, I locked myself up in your Ready Room. I found myself shedding tears for the first time in my life as your shuttle journeyed to its final destination. I couldn't watch it onscreen with the Bridge crew, so excused myself. I had no desire to make a fool out of myself in front of them. I was in there for several hours, and eventually Trip came in to find out what was going on with me. I think he heard the emotion in my voice and saw the tears in my eyes.

Then when I said I was going to go down to the planet to try and negotiate with the Xindi myself, I think he believed I'd lost my mind. He accused me of trying to rescue you. I never had a chance to get into the shuttlepod because at that precise moment the Xindi attacked Enterprise."

Jonathan sat listening, again stunned by these revelations. When she'd told him she'd had feelings for him since before entering the Expanse, he'd been taken aback. Now listening to this, he again wondered how he could have been so blind. He remembered her impassioned plea in the corridor about not wanting him to die before he'd left on that mission. Her voice had been laced with emotion and her eyes had seemed watery. But he'd dismissed it, and got on with the job at hand.

"You cried for me." The words weren't a question, but a statement. It was almost as if he had to speak it aloud to believe it.

"Yes," she whispered. "I felt so lost and alone with you gone."

He brushed her cheek gently with his thumb, and then lightly kissed her. "I want to make sure you never feel that way again, T'Pol."

She returned his kiss, and rested her head on his chest. She knew Jonathan liked to play the role of protector, so she didn't argue on that point. While she acknowledged that those emotions had come to the fore because of her Trellium usage, she felt certain that even if she hadn't been under the drug's use, she still would have experienced a great sense of loss.

They sat like that for a while, neither one of them saying anything. T'Pol closed her eyes and listened to the steady beat of his heart — she found it soothing. Jonathan held her close, still mulling over the things she'd told him.

"Are you alright with everything I've told you?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered. "Besides, it's in the past. Whatever happened between you and Trip doesn't impact our relationship in anyway whatsoever, just as my past relationships won't."

"I know, but I still wanted to tell you this, and put it behind me once and for all. Do you think terribly of me?"

"T'Pol…we all make mistakes. I think it's time you forgave yourself."

She nodded. It was sound advice. She still couldn't completely understand her own motivations when thinking back to the time when she'd been injecting Trellium. It all seemed kind of hazy. She was grateful that despite hurting Trip, he'd seemed to forgive her and they'd become close friends. Just a few days before his death, she'd told him she would miss him now that the Enterprise crew would be going their separate ways.

"On another note, I think I've learnt a valuable lesson," he mused.

"Oh?"

"Don't believe everything you hear."

"I'm sorry, Jonathan. The rumours must have been hard to listen to."

She imagined how it must have felt, and tried to put herself in his position. Well she didn't have to; she recalled how she felt when she learnt of his tryst with Captain Hernandez. Despite just having returned from Vulcan a married woman and having had Trip accompany her there; her feelings had remained steadfast for Jonathan. Hearing that he'd spent several days with the Columbia's new captain hadn't been easy.

It had been made more difficult as now she dined alone with Jonathan. Trip was off dealing with his own feelings over her marriage, and was avoiding her so it was just she and Archer at the dinner table. Jonathan, who normally wasn't that open, mentioned he'd spent a few days with an old friend. He hadn't gone into great detail, but she'd already heard whispers amongst the crew of him and Hernandez. Him telling her about it personally only confirmed what she'd heard. She'd listened, nodding her head and playing with her salad. When Jonathan remarked if there was something wrong with her food, she'd merely replied she wasn't very hungry.

"Well it wasn't fun. I didn't believe them at first. I assumed people just wanted some juicy story to tell to get their mind off the Xindi. I'd never thought Trip looked at you in that way, guess I was wrong. As time went on, the more I heard, the more I began to believe."

He got up for a moment to stretch his legs, and headed to the window, gazing out at the shuttlepods flying past. T'Pol joined him.

"And the more you withdrew?"

"I guess. Burying my head in my work was a great emotional painkiller." He noticed the pained expression on her face. "I'm sorry, sweetheart, I don't mean to sound so melodramatic."

"It is sad to think how we both had feelings for each other, but were at cross purposes."

"I agree, but at least we have found each other now."

"Yes." She rubbed his arm gently with affection.

"To be honest T'Pol, I didn't have that much time to think about it, or maybe I just didn't want to dwell upon it," he said. "I don't think I was forced to face the notion of the two of you together until Lorian arrived on the scene. Then it was like someone punched me in the gut and I had to acknowledge it."

"Lorian was as much as a shock to me, as he must have been to you. You wondered if he was yours, didn't you?"

"I'll admit for a split millisecond the thought did cross my mind."

"There was no other reason why you would have asked Phlox."

"Well after the incident with the other Enterprise and learning that you and Trip had been married in an alternate timeline, I just accepted that you the two of you were involved, and I tried to be happy for you."

"That was magnanimous of you, Jonathan. But you never thought to ask me?"

"I didn't want to pry…besides it just seemed obvious."

"Yes, I suppose it must have."

Along that line of thinking, T'Pol wanted to question him about something else. "May I ask what exactly transpired between you and Captain Hernandez after we returned from the Expanse?"

"Erika?"

"Yes."

"Hmm…well I went into the mountains to be alone, and well…she followed me. We ended up spending the weekend together. But I told you all this once at dinner, years ago."

"I recall. The rumours in that instance aboard ship were that you were romantically involved with her. Is that true?"

"Oh. Well I guess it all depends on your interpretation of romantically involved. We did have a relationship once, many years ago when I was a commander and she was a lieutenant. We broke it off because of regulations. As for the time in question — I have to say I'm not proud to admit this, but it was nothing more than a one night stand."

"I see." So the rumours had been accurate.

"It meant nothing — absolutely nothing. In fact it was pretty unfair to her the way I acted, and it was unlike me. We just spent that one weekend together in the mountains and then I was out of her personal life forever. I probably would have told her to take a hike if it wasn't for the fact that I knew Trip was on Vulcan with you."

"Trip accompanied me as a friend."

"Sweetheart, I know that now. You have to put yourself in my mindset at the time. I was angry, guilty over my actions in the Expanse, and furious with Soval and Starfleet. I wasn't thinking straight. I went mountain climbing to try and de-stress and deal with some of these feelings. And then Erika turned up…and well I got side-tracked."

"I understand."

"You sure?" He didn't seem convinced.

"Yes, Jonathan. I will admit at the time I did feel…a little envious of Captain Hernandez, but as you say it's in the past. And it appears that we have something in common: we both acted unfairly towards people who cared about us."

"Won't argue with you on that point."

He turned to face T'Pol and gently held her by the shoulders as he had so many times before. "Before we finish this discussion, I need to say one thing: I'm sorry, so deeply sorry for everything that happened in the Expanse. For not being there for you and becoming so unapproachable," he whispered, his voice tinged with regret.

"If I could turn back time and redo it all again, I would. I wish you'd called me up on my behaviour and tried to knock some sense into me. I wish I'd gone to talk to you. But it's the past and I can't change it. I have to live with it," he told her.

"I know. You are not entirely to blame, I could have spoken my mind and been direct." She paused, reflecting for a moment. "Jonathan, I think we both have regrets about a lot of things. I'm glad we have talked openly about these matters. It sets a good precedent for our future together…that we can discuss things even if they may not be pleasant."

"Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, T'Pol. I've always been a firm believer in that."

"As have I." Her fingers caressed his stubbled cheek, then kissed it before moving onto his mouth. He wrapped her firmly in his arms as he lost himself in the warmth of her passionate lips.

As they gently broke apart, T'Pol noticed it had stopped raining. She suggested they take Porthos for a walk and get some air. Jonathan thought that was a great idea, but that they should change. They both put on casual clothes, and headed out with Porthos at their heels.

TBC