I remember the night of my husbands death quite well, it was a night like none other, an unforgettable night which turned my world upside down.
Rupert and I were having a disagreement over something to do with the orphanage, and then suddenly out of nowhere he took a swing at me. He was always doing things like that, hitting me for no reason. What made it worse was that he was a very strong man, physically anyway. Emotionally he was very unstable, he hated being married to me, which drew me to wonder why I was chosen in the first place. It's not as if there weren't prettier girls who were willing to marry Prince Rupert. But he wasn't after somebody who liked him, he was after somebody who never gave him a second thought, who wouldn't care if he decided to sleep with other women.
As a young lady I was very shy and never paid any attention to boys, especially Rupert, but my parents thought he was everything a girl could ever want. I didn't understand what was so good about him, he wasn't terribly attractive, he wasn't exactly nice and the only thing he had was his 4 million dollars, which led me to wonder why my parents asked me to present myself to him. I later found out that a royal family with only 4 million dollars is classified as very poor, so he married me to get his family's hands on my family's money, bringing Genovia back up to be one of the richest countries in Europe. My parents were so rich you couldn't place a figure to how much money they had. Their house was bigger than the Genovian palace and the winter castle put together, they had three times as many cars as the royal family did and they owned two fifths of the land in Genovia, which they rented out to other people.
I don't know why I couldn't have married a nicer prince, or why I couldn't have chosen my own suitor. I suppose it was a good thing I married him, if I didn't, Genovia would probably not exist or have a cent to its name. And I did get two beautiful boys out of it, whom I love with all my heart. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened to me if I'd married somebody of my own choosing, would I be happy? Would I feel the same as I did about Rupert – living in fear? Well I don't know and I guess I won't ever find out. It's not that I don't want to re-marry, I've found the right man after all whom I love very much, but I'd be shamed if I were to follow my heart, everyone would hate me and I'm sure Philippe and Pierre wouldn't approve of my marrying another man. They loved their father very much, though god knows why. I suppose they did spend more quality time with him than I did, mainly due to the fact he was teaching them to be princes and I didn't like spending time alone with him anyway.
Rupert always demanded sex, he didn't ask, he demanded. If he was turned down by one of his playmates, or if he had a bad day, or just felt plain aroused he would come to me. I couldn't really complain too much, the sex wasn't that bad, he was just rough. I didn't like intimacy with him, his mouth was always so very dry and sticky, his body always had a very distinct scent. I was glad he never took up drinking or smoking, I'm sure it would have made matters worse. Sometimes if we hadn't been together in a while I would wince during our sex-sessions, and he would hurt me for complaining about the pain. Those were the moments I felt like killing him, putting him away for good, but I didn't, it wouldn't have been right.
On the rare occasion he could be very romantic, he would place flowers on my desk, kiss my cheek and ask me how my day was – I liked days like that. It made him seem not so bad, but more often than not he was a complete ass to me.
Joseph could verify that, he often stood outside our bedroom door listening in and he'd confront me the next morning telling me to leave him. I could never have left Rupert when he was alive, I tried to, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get away.
But that night was different. That night, Joseph made everything possible. He freed me from the evil grasp my husband had on me.
The night started off peacefully, I was lying in my bed reading a book whilst listening to the rain patter down on the roof, when suddenly out of nowhere Rupert came in smiling and literally jumped on me. I removed my glasses and looked at him, "Is there something you wanted?"
He ran his hands up the doona where my legs were, "Just you."
"Oh I see," I smiled, crossing my arms, "Who turned you down this time?"
"I didn't get turned down, I just think you're looking like a very attractive 90-year-old woman today, whom I wish to make love to."
I slapped him across the face for that remark - I hate being told I look old. It wasn't a very good idea to slap him considering whom I was dealing with, but he deserved it. For my light slap of his face, I received a much worse blow to my arm, which soon turned into a contest to see who could hit the other the hardest. We'd played this game before, but not quite so roughly, I ended up so bruised that my arm was too dead to hit him back, but despite my stopping, he kept on going. He kept attacking me, that's when I noticed it wasn't a game anymore, it was a way to put me in my place. He needed me to know that he was boss.
After 10 more punches I started screaming so loudly from the pain that Joseph was in the room within seconds. I remember feeling a great weight lifted from my body and I heard Joseph yelling at the top of his lungs. The next thing I heard was Rupert being led out to the balcony, and after that there was a great thump on the ground outside. I was too sore to move so I didn't know what was going on, but I managed to catch a glimpse of my dressing table mirror. I could see Joseph standing dead still on the balcony, but Rupert wasn't there with him. My heart started racing, I wondered what he had done, if he had pushed him over the edge, I prayed he hadn't.
A close inspection ten minutes later told me he had done what I'd been dreaming of doing all my married life.
Joseph hadn't moved since I heard the great thud of my husband's body hit the ground after falling three stories, he just stood still looking down at the twisted inanimate body.
Slowly and cautiously I walked up to Joseph and stared at his face, I wasn't sure how to react to the man who just killed my husband. The first thing I noticed about his face was the hurt in his eyes, there were tears running down his cheeks. I wasn't sure whether to hug him or run for my life, thankfully he spoke up before I made a decision.
"I couldn't stand it anymore. I've listened to him hurt you for twelve years and I finally couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't stand listening to him hurt you again. You deserve so much better, Clarisse."
That was the first time Joseph ever called me by my first name, usually he would call me Your Majesty or Madam, but that night he called me Clarisse. I loved the way he said my name, he said it with such ease, such admiration. For a moment I lost myself, in my mind his voice was repeating my name and for some reason I imagined him holding me in his arms and massaging my cheek with his lips. Never before had I felt those feelings, they were new to me.
Whilst in my lost state, I was startled by the voice in my head, it had somehow escaped and put itself back into Joseph's mouth. I wonder how long it took me to realise he was speaking, I knew his lips were
moving, but I hadn't listened to a word he was saying. Finally I snapped out of my daze and was drawn back into reality, "I'll understand if you want to have me executed. I realise here in Genovia execution isn't legal, but if you wish, you can have me taken care of elsewhere."
I shook my head wondering why he was asking me to have him killed, but as I was about to open my mouth to speak, he spoke again, "I'm sure it's all been caught on the surveillance tape."
He pointed to the security camera and the red light went on. I've spent enough time in the security room hiding from Rupert to know what the red light meant – it was filming. Joseph and I were being filmed.
"I did it for you, Clarisse. I did my best to make sure you didn't have to suffer the terrible fate for the rest of your life, now it's your turn to decide the fate of mine. My life rests in your hands."
Suddenly I felt my hand being raised to his lips, he kissed it ever so gently, then let it down and held it in his. A thousand thoughts rushed through my mind at that moment. I thought of what would happen to Joseph if anyone did happen to find out he killed Rupert, I thought about what the public would find out about my terrible marriage if he was caught out, but the most nagging thought on my mind was what Joseph said, "My life rests in your hands," and, "I did it for you, Clarisse."
Once again his words echoed through my mind and I soon realised something I should have realised as soon as I met the man, I was in love with him.
I couldn't believe I never noticed the looks he gives me, the gleam in his eye whenever we dance, the way his hand lingers on my back for longer than required.
Without warning, he grabbed my hand and dragged me out of the room, at first I thought he was going to kill me too, but he hushed me and put a comforting hand on my back.
Luckily nobody walks the hallways at night so we weren't seen sneaking into the security room. We found that the people who were supposed to be watching the monitors had fallen asleep. Fancy that! My security team can't even stay awake long enough to do their jobs. What does that say about my safety? It says I've been peacefully sleeping all these years whilst being guarded by a pack of sleeping lions! The only good thing about it was that Joseph wouldn't have been seen doing the dreadful deed.
Silently Joseph pressed the eject button on the video recorder and took out the tape. He stared at it, I wondered what was going through his mind, what he was thinking.
Suddenly I felt him squeeze my hand, my first reaction was to slap it away, but I didn't, I let him take it. Looking to the left of me I noticed the guards were starting to stir, so I pulled Joseph's towards the door and we left the room.
We stayed hand in hand until we arrived back at my suite, then Joseph opened the door and motioned for me to go in. I was a little weary about letting a murderer walk behind me, but I reminded myself of who he was and I felt a little more at ease. Joseph was supposed to be on post outside my door that night, which is why he was able to save me from the fist of my husband so quickly. Whenever he was on guard he always insisted nobody join him, though I don't know why. Perhaps he had been plotting Rupert's death for a while now and didn't want any other witnesses.
I paced my suite as soon as I came through the doors and I soon found myself tripping over from confusion, as always, Joseph was right behind me to catch me before I fell. He helped me onto the couch and put his arm around me, I felt a little strange having him hold me on the sofa, but I soon warmed up to the idea. A whole 10 minutes passed before either of us moved, then I found Joseph was placing the tape in my hand. It was warm, hard and filled with information that could easily destroy him. He was giving me the power to decide his fate.
I could feel his eyes on me as I stared at the tape and I responded by turning away. It was very dark, but I could make out his shadow and the bright glistening of his eyes in the moonlight. My heart was racing, what was I to do? Show the tape to the authorities? Throw it in the fire and give him a second chance?
My mind was telling me how bad he was for murdering my husband, but it was also telling me how sweet he was because he did it for me.
My body was shaking and I couldn't help but slap him away when he tried to touch my arm again. I had never felt so confused in my entire life. I really didn't want to send him to prison, but I wasn't sure I could live with a murderer in the midst. As I looked at the tape, possible outcomes came to mind. If I let him go, somebody could find out that Rupert was pushed and they would link it to Joseph, which they would link to me and think I arranged the murder. If I turned him in to the authorities, I wouldn't get to see what really loving a man would feel like. In the end it came down to how I would feel about the whole thing, not my country, me.
Joseph hadn't taken his eyes off me. He was searching for answers from me that I myself didn't know, his hand kept running itself up and down my arm making the decision even harder.
The tape seemed to be mocking me, laughing at me as if it knew what I should do. It made me cry and it made me angry, so angry I walked over to the fireplace and threw it into the blaze. Afterwards I just stared at the fire, the red colours changed into blue as the plastic melted away. The smell was terrible, it felt like it was burning the inside of my nose. My eyes were transfixed on the flames for about 10 minutes before I realised Joseph was holding me from behind.
His lips were touching my cheek, his hands were wrapped around my waist, his aftershave melted away the burning smell of plastic and the words, "I love you" came out of his lips. His beard, I noticed, was irritating my neck and I quickly turned to look at him. His eyes were closed, he appeared to have no idea of what he was doing, but neither did I. I was a mess, so much of a mess that my body wouldn't respond to anything my mind told it to do.
What I wanted was to pull away from his embrace, to go back in time and accept Rupert's indecent proposal of sleeping with me so none of it would have ever happened and he'd still be alive. What my body wanted, however, was to imitate Joseph's moves. I didn't want it to, but that's what it did. My lips found their way onto his, my arms flew around his neck and my legs…well I couldn't feel them at all – it was as if they had melted off. I was floating on air, at least that's what it felt like. It must have taken a lot of strength for Joseph to hold me in mid-air.
What happened next was something I never ever would have expected to happen between Joseph and I, we found our way over to the bed. He undressed me very carefully, quite a change from Rupert who thought clothes were a nuisance and should never have been invented. Joseph treated my clothes and my body as if they were priceless jewels. I truly felt like a queen and a woman when I was with him then.
Making love together surprised the both of us in ways we could never have imagined. It brought joy, happiness and oh so much pleasure, but also tears as we were both confused and upset. Later I began to wonder why we did what we did, was it loneliness? Confusion? Withheld attraction? Or perhaps a mixture of all three? Well whatever it was felt so good, even if it was wrong.
At four in the morning I was still awake, he had been moving about so much during the night that I hadn't been able to sleep. While he was in one of his moving rituals, I heard the words, "I love you," come out of his mouth, so I pretended to be asleep. I had not yet told him I felt the same, but I didn't think it necessary, I had shown him how I felt through two positively fabulous hours of lovemaking.
I'd never felt more alive than when I had my legs hanging over his shoulders while he gently moved around inside of me. I never knew sex could be so pleasurable.
At five, Joseph stirred awake and kissed me on the lips for what would have been the ten-thousandth time since the previous night. He muttered those three words again, then held me tighter. I guess it was obvious to him that I was awake because he was looking at me with such adoration in his eyes, "Morning is slipping through the curtains, I should go."
I didn't say anything.
"I hope you don't think I'm leaving you because I want to. Believe me, I want nothing more than to stay with you here, but somebody is bound to walk in here within the next hour and it wouldn't be a very pleasant news day if I was caught in bed with your majesty," he smiled.
I still didn't say anything.
"You're in regret."
I shook my head, I did regret it, but it wasn't something I'd admit to, especially since it was the best night of my life.
"You're confused."
Closing my eyes I nodded.
"So am I."
Kissing me once more, he exited the bed and started searching for his clothes, "I'm sorry I have to leave. You understand why though, don't you?"
Once again, I didn't say anything, instead I pulled the doona cover over my head and peeked out from underneath. I saw his naked body walking around on his clothes hunting expedition, he really is in good shape for his age. His chest looks like it was carved with the greatest care, his legs could probably survive gruelling hours of exercise and his package, well I can't complain. I definitely can't complain about that.
As I watched him dress, I wondered if I'd ever see him like that again, natural, sexy. In a way I hope I will, but something in my brain makes me think I should end all unnatural thoughts about my head of security.
Joseph slipped his jacket over his shoulders and headed back towards the bed, then pulling the doona back, he stared at me, "You are allowed to speak, you know. I won't bite unless you want me to," he laughed, trying to lighten the mood.
I unwillingly replied with a tear, I don't know what made me cry, I guess I was upset about him having to leave, or upset because the reality of the situation had just set in. He ran a hand over my face and wiped the tears away, he then proceeded to kiss me. That's when I lost it, I turned away and told him to get out and leave me alone. It wasn't me speaking, well intentionally that is, I didn't really want him to go. I just didn't want him to see me cry for no apparent reason again.
When Joseph reluctantly left, I cried into my pillow. I cried enough to make myself fall asleep, only to be woken again up half an hour later by my ever-reliable ladies' maids. They told me of Rupert's passing and asked me if I had seen anything, I was unconsciously about to tell them the truth, but then I remembered Joseph. I couldn't let him go to jail for something he did to protect me, I had to lie.
"Rupert came in last night, he walked out to the balcony and I heard a scream. I thought he'd seen a bug or something, so I didn't dwell on it, I just fell asleep. That's all I remember."
And that's how the story went. I told it to everybody who asked and when I was finally left alone to "grieve", I hid in my office and was confronted by the one person I hadn't seen since he left my suite at 5am – Joseph. He wanted to know if I was alright, but I refused to look at him. He lifted my chin up, but I turned away, not wanting to make eye-contact incase I broke down even worse than I was already doing. I don't know why, but looking at his face upset me.
He left when I asked him to, bless him, but he was so concerned about me. He wanted to make sure I was feeling perfect before he let me be alone. I wondered how he felt about the whole murder case, rumour was circulating around the palace that Rupert committed suicide. I wonder how Joseph felt when he killed him, I wonder what it feels like to be the cause of somebody's life coming to an end.
After another long thinking/crying session in my office, I was asked by Charlotte to dress to give a speech at a press conference in the throne room.
I can't believe the media, as soon as somebody dies they want to know why, how, when and who straight away. They don't care that somebody might be grieving over the person, not that I was grieving over Rupert, I'm actually happy he's gone. But the point is that Rupert was at least owed the dignity of being dead for one day before people started asking for his death-story.
Luckily for me the press conference only last half an hour, so I was able to get back to my office to start the day and think some more.
When I returned, I found a red envelope attached to a rose on my desk. As I opened it and released the letter, fragrant rose petals sprinkled onto my desk. The letter was unsigned, but I knew who it was from:
'Sometimes things happen
Our minds cannot explain
Remember in our hearts
Really we are not to blame
You are loved, my darling.
In time others will see, until then...
Live your life as normal
Observe the ocean view
Very, very soon my
Evenings will be spent with you.
Your eyes do melt my soul
Our hearts are one the same
Under sheets I hope once more you'll loudly screech my name.'
Joseph wrote me a poem with a not-so-hidden hidden message, "Sorry. I love you."
Reading the poem didn't make me cry, it actually cheered me up, and the last line left me blushing pink. It was obviously a joke, but it makes me wonder if I did shout out his name aloud when we were making love…I hope I didn't. I hope for both our sakes I didn't let the whole palace know I was sleeping with another man the night my husband died, I already feel like enough of a tramp as it is. I guess I can't have screamed that loud if I did scream, because nobody confronted me about the issue. I should stop analysing it, it's not important.
After I finished reading the letter, I smiled. It was nice to receive a hand-written poem with rose petals that fell out whenever you moved the letter. I felt so special, nobody had ever done that for me before.
My women's intuition told me that Joseph was on the other side of the door, so I invited him in.
"Thankyou," I whispered, hugging him as he walked towards me, "it was beautiful."
"You're feeling better?"
"Yes, a little. Still confused."
"I'm glad you're talking to me now."
"I'm sorry about being so moody, I don't know what's going on in my mind at the moment. I'm dealing with a lot of different things right now and-"
I didn't get to finish my sentence, he had me wrapped in his arms and his lips were pressing gently against mine. I found it hard to believe at that moment that someone as sweet as Joseph could have murdered a person, he seemed so innocent.
"Joseph?" I asked, breaking the kiss.
"Mmm?"
"Did you kill my husband just so we could be together?"
"Not solely," he replied, "it was an added bonus and I'm so glad you feel the same way about me as I do you. It took you long enough to realise."
"It did?"
"Yes."
"When should I have realised?"
"I realised 12 years ago."
"Really? I realised 12 hours ago!"
"What would you have done if you realised you loved me sooner?"
"I don't know, I probably would have kept my mouth shut and been a good wife to Rupert like I've always done."
"But now?"
"Now he's dead, which means we have to wait."
"How long do you think? Days? Weeks? Months?"
"Years. Please don't ask when. I don't know, I need to get my mind straight before I can make any major decisions."
"You made two last night."
"And I wasn't thinking straight."
Letting go of him I walked to my chair and sat down, he looked at me sadly.
"Joseph, I don't regret last night, it was magnificent."
"Indeed. I liked that thing you did with your feet."
Talking about sex always makes me blush and this was no exception.
"So when do I get an encore?"
"I need time."
"I understand. Let us celebrate our new arrangement of waiting with the adding of tealeaves to hot water."
So that's how it's been ever since that night, Joseph and I share tea together, we dance at balls, dance alone. It's a little like being a couple, but not quite – we're being inconspicuous. Nobody suspects Joseph is a murderer, they all think Rupert fell, which is what I too have been currently making myself believe. I have no idea where this thing with Joseph is going, I love him, but it's too soon to show him to the world as my love. I think it's just best to sit back and enjoy the ride while it's still running smoothly.
Wanted to write this for ages, but turned out VERY different. I actually started this about a week or two ago and tonight I went back to it and suddenly was on a good run. I wasn't sure about the ending cos it's not really a good one, but who cares. I tried to build the ending down, but decided to end it as is. R & R.