Disclaimer: Same as everyone else's.
Everybody's Changing
"But why won't Lily go out with me?" James Potter sighed in a maudlin mood kicking idly at the leg of the wooden bench that Remus Lupin was sitting upon trying to read from a large, battered potions book.
"Lily does like you James…and I think she would go out with you if…."
"What?" asked James sounding desperately and strangely humble. "Tell me."
"Well," said Remus with a sigh as he slowly closed the book. "But you might not like what I am going to say…"
"Please Remus" James pleaded glancing over to the castle where Sirius Black was swaggering across the lawns towards them, closely followed by Peter Pettigrew trotting behind. "What do I have to do to get Lily to go out with me?"
"It's simple" Remus sounded serious "Stop acting like such a prat"
"I'm not a prat" James snorted indignantly "Am I?" he added quietly.
"Lily seems to think so…you and Sirius stroll around the school as if you are both god's gift…no one can dispute that you're handsome and clever, you're a talented wizard and a natural Quidditch player but you are just too full of yourself…maybe if you stopped trying so hard to impress Lily…laid off Snape…"
"After what Snivellus called her…never!"
"Okay…I admit he should have called Lily a Mudblood, but he was angry and humiliated so he lashed out…as I remember it was you and Sirius that started it."
"You feel sorry for that little odd ball?" James asked with curiosity
"I guess," Remus replied glancing over to where Snape was now crouched at the waters edge peering into the shadowy depths as if searching for something. "I know you think he is an ugly, sneaky Slytherin but he is actually an extremely talented wizard, his OWLs results put us all to shame…maybe I can just sympathised, that it could have so easily been me on the receiving end of the nasty comments and bullying…" Lupin sighed with sad reflection "No…if the others knew the truth about me then I would have to leave the school…they would have a real reason to hate me."
"No…I know you Remus and you're no monster," protested James
"Neither is Snape," Lupin mused but his words were lost as Sirius gave James a hearty slap on the back.
"Miss me?" Black grinned as he flung his schoolbag down and fumbled in his robe pocket for a packet of cigarettes. He waved it under James' nose but he just shook his head, while Lupin gave the offer a stern, disapproving frown. "Please yourselves" Black shrugged. Peter Pettigrew gazed longingly at the packet as Black drew a cigarette from it and then returned it to his pocket without asking him.
"Professor Quinn didn't keep you back for long then?" observed Lupin wryly
"Nah" Black smirked turning his back for a moment against the breeze so that he could light his cigarette. "He's easy enough to get around just nod dolefully and say yes Professor, no Professor three fucking bags full…" Black took a long drag from the cigarette and smiled as he exhaled, blowing smoke into Pettigrew's face.
"Be careful Sirius," Remus warned "If McGonagall or Filch catch you smoking again you'll be in big trouble"
"Thank you mother" Black barked a chuckle "Better keep an eye out Wormtail and you can have my dog end" Black gave another amused little bark "So what have you guys been up to while we were getting a bollocking for not handing that essay in on time?"
"James was asking me advice on how to win Lily's affections" Lupin mused as he carefully packed his potions book into his canvas rucksack.
"Why are you still fucking bothering with her?" Black snorted as he took another drag of his cigarette. "There are plenty of luscious babes in our house who would jump at the chance of going out with you"
"What you mean there are some girls in our house that you haven't dated yet" Lupin remarked with a disapproving tone to his voice. "I don't think James wants one of your cast offs"
"Hey…I can't help it if I am so damn attractive that I have to spread myself around a bit…bet Wormtail wouldn't say no" Black laughed cruelly as he nudged Peter hard in the ribs causing a violent blush to colour his cheeks.
"You know what your problem is Remus…you're too fucking fussy, you want a woman with brains as well as good looks, a great body and huge…" Black made a groping gesture with his hands giving James a sly wink.
"Oh grow up Sirius" Lupin snapped irritated at Black's immaturity "That's exactly what I mean James" he gave James a stern frown.
"Fucking hell Moony you can be so square at times…no wonder you can't get laid" retorted Black taking an angrily drag on his cigarette.
"There are some among us Sirius…" Remus replied quietly "That want more than quick gratification…a meaningful, lasting relationship with someone we love…"
"Sorry!" barked Black in a mocking tone that was anything but apologetic
"Hey…what about Tabitha Ossian" Peter chipped into the conversation, hating the tension that seemed to be growing between Black and Lupin "that Ravenclaw girl in the sixth year with the really long, glossy black hair and dark amber eyes…she's really pretty and dead clever…" Peter's cheeks were burning again, flushed scarlet.
"Whoa Wormtail got a crush on Tabitha Ossian" Black teased "Sorry mate you haven't got a chance…but Lupin…she seems your type why don't you have a crack at her?"
"No…thank you" snapped Lupin "But I would rather not" Black looked at Lupin for a moment as if trying to fathom him out, then shrugged if Lupin didn't want to ask Tabitha Ossian out on a date then to hell with him.
James looked at Lupin sympathetically, so handsome and intelligent, placid and sensitive…yet the beast within him, a cruel horrifying reversal of Lupin's true gentle, compassionate nature seemed at times to forced his friend into a despairing, solitary existence. Of course Lupin never complained, never troubled his fellow Marauders with his physical suffering and terrible anguish that he might never truly be loved by anyone, that as a werewolf he could see nothing ahead of him but a life of secrets and lies, heartache and rejection, hatred and loneliness. James chewed nervously at his bottom lip; no wondered Lily had befriended Remus, chosen him in which to confided her true feelings…yes Lupin was right he needed to grow up. James suddenly felt ashamed and unusually angry with Black, there was gentle Lupin always ready with a smile, a broad shoulder or supportive word when James knew (one Christmas in the Fourth Year when it had only been Lupin and himself that had stayed behind at Hogwarts particularly haunted his memory) there had been times that his friend had been so desperately unhappy that he had cried himself to sleep…and what had he done? Nothing…too afraid…no…too immature to offer Lupin a shoulder to cry upon or even ask him if he wanted to talk about it.
"What about you James?" Black asked interrupting James' thoughts. "Maybe if you went out on a date with Tabitha then you wouldn't be so fucking miserable…it's getting boring" Black dropped his half smoked cigarette on the ground and stubbed it out with the heel of his boot, he looked up catching Peter gapped at him in frustrated disappointment "Oh sorry mate I forgot" Black shrugged his shoulders his voice mockingly apologetic as his lips curled into a sarcastic smile.
"I don't want to go out with anyone but Lily" James sighed sad but determined. If all it was going it take to win Lily's affections was to prove to her that he wasn't a prat that he could be just as mature, sensitive and thoughtful as Lupin then he better start acting it. "You're right Remus…I think some of us need to grow up"
Black didn't answer; he had already lost interest and was now staring at Severus Snape who was still busy at the edge of the lake. Remus glanced over too following Black's gaze, a strange curiosity pulled at him to rise from the bench and join the crouching Slytherin at the water's edge…but he fought it, suddenly confused with the conflicting emotions of revulsion and fascination…yet still he couldn't seem to drag his golden brown eyes away from the slender, hunched figure. Snape had taken off his robe and silver and green striped house tie and folded them neatly next to his bulging satchel, rolled up the sleeves of his excessively baggy white shirt and was dipping a slim, tall glass bottle into the murky water.
Remus shuddered as the thin, white arm disappeared into the lake up to the elbow. Lupin knew that even in the balmy September sunshine the black waters of the lake were terribly chilling, the spot Snape had chosen to explore was especially icy cold as the shore fell away into a deep dark chasm with no hope of being penetrated even in the high of summer by the warming rays of the sun. Lupin shuddered again as after gazing at the collected water shook his head, poured it back into the lake and carefully leaning out further over the chasm dipped his bottle into the water once more.
"What the hell is Snivellus up to?" Black asked there was a troubling mischievousness to his voice that made Lupin quickly avert his gaze almost guilty from the Slytherin.
"Haven't a clue" shrugged James as he now glanced over to where Snape was crouched, mildly curious
"Well…lets go and find out" Black gave James a devilish grin
Remus counteracted this temptation with throwing James a disapproving look jerking his head towards the direction of the castle; James followed his gaze only to see the flame red hair of Lily Evans as she walked slowly down the path with two other girls from Hufflepuff in the direction of the greenhouses.
"Stop being a prat?" James silently mouthed to Lupin who nodded with an encouraging smile. "You know Sirius I really can't be bothered…you know Snivellus never happy unless brewing up some concoction or the other"
Black turned at looked at James in puzzled disbelief; surely he wasn't going to miss this prime opportunity to make the greasy, little Slytherin's life hell. But James was lost in thought, his attention focused on the giggling group of girls as they settled down on the grassy slope under the shade of a beech tree to eat their lunch.
"Please yourself…come on Wormtail" Black barked, more a command than an invitation "Let's go and find out what little Snivellus is up to." Black stormed off obviously annoyed with James while Peter scurried behind at his heels grinning stupidly delighted to be in favour. Suddenly, a troubled Remus glance back at lakeside, his stomach twisted with sickening fear and the strange, unexpected desire to protect Snape from Black. Remus bit down on his lip as the words Snape had spat venomously through the tears as Black had told the spoilt, little cry-baby to just ask daddy to buy him more books, parchments and quills as with a cruel smile he emptied the content Snape's satchel out of the carriage window. "Like to trade places with me then Black? You have no idea what my life is like…" Those words, the look of genuine fear and the muffled sobbing coming from the carriage where Snape sat alone for the rest of the journey back to the platform nine and three quarters haunted Remus all summer. But it wasn't the shame and guilt that he felt for not stepping in to stop Black tormenting Snape that had kept Lupin awake at night…no it was something else…something far more potent, perplexing and so unexpected…
"What you doing Snivellus…looking for your relations…well I always though you were no better than fucking pond life" Black whispered into the Slytherin's ear. Startled Snape dropped the bottle he was holding, it hit the ground scattered spilling lake water and samples of red weed onto the grass.
"Fuck off Black" Snape spat angrily as he tried to pick the red weed from the fragments of broken glass.
"Ooooh Peter did you hear that? Snivellus told me to fuck off" Black said as he glanced back at James seeking his approval but James wasn't watching he was deep in conversation with Lupin plotting how get into Lily's good graces. Black suddenly felt a pang of jealously, that his best friend should be seeking so much advice from Lupin, what did Remus know about women that he didn't? Black frowned bitterly as another wave of envy churned his stomach, surely James should be seeking his advice and experience, he had lost his virginity in the Fifth Year while prim, bookish Lupin…well Black hadn't even seen him kiss a girl let lure one into his bed.
"Perhaps" Peter ventured nervously breaking Black from his thoughts "Snivellus was gathering up pond weed for a potion to make him less ugly…or even to disguise that he was trying to sneak a look at himself in the water…I mean he's probably broken all the mirrors in the Slytherin dormitory"
Black gave a hoarse chuckle returning to glare at Snape with renewed loathing and the need to grab James attention…a wicked smile played on his lips as an idea started forming in his head. "You know, you could be right Peter…Is that what you were doing Snivellus trying to look at your ugly face?" Black taunted cruelly as he pushed his knee into the small of Snape's back. Snape seemed to shudder at the physical contact as if afraid. Black laughed and grabbing a tuff of Snape's lank black hair forced him to stare down into the water, his hawkish nose hovered inches from the surface, the reflection of Black grimacing over his shoulder. "God Snivellus, it's no wonder you can't get laid…you have to be the ugliest fucking wizard ever to attend Hogwarts…"
"Fuck off" Snape snarled trying to struggle free from Black's grip desperately wishing he hadn't left his wand neatly wrapped up in his robe. "Leave me alone" Peter was dancing behind Black as if he was going to wet himself with excitement, secretly willing Black to push the sneaky, loathsome Slytherin into the lake.
"I won't leave you alone Snivellus…until you admit how fucking ugly you are…what was that you don't believe me? Then maybe I should help you take a closer look…oops" Black chuckled as he pushed Snape hard with his knee and letting go of his hair Snape tumbled forward losing his balance and fell head long into the depths of the lake. Snape's surprised cry as he hit the cold water and the splash made both James and Lupin look up. At first all they could see was Peter dancing about behind Black, his arms flapping wildly. While Black in contrast stood calmly at the lakes edge shaking his head in smug satisfaction as he watched Snape's head surface from the icy depths, his expression catch between rage and terror. Black had gone too far this time thought Lupin as he got up from the bench and strode over to where Black stood laughing at Snape who seemed to be clawing madly at the surface of the dark waters as he cried out for help.
"What on earth possesses you to push Snape into the lake" demanded Lupin with a snarl that made Black spin around in surprise.
"Snivellus deserved it" Black retorted in his defence "The little git told me to fuck off."
"He did…he did" affirmed Peter in a tiny thrilled squeak
"Even so mate" James added as Snape's panic-stricken pale face disappeared under the shadowy surface. "Don't you think pushing him into the lake was just a little extreme?"
"Nah…there's nothing to worry about Snivellus will swim to shore when he realise his pathetic attempts at pretending to drown aren't working…come on James I'm famished" Black turned without giving Snape a second glance and started to head for the castle. James was about to follow him when Lupin's strangely apprehensive voice stopped him in his tracks.
"James…I don't think Snape's faking it"
"What!" cried James spinning around to look back at Snape still flailing about in the water.
"That's the second time he's disappeared under the water…I don't think he can swim"
"If you're so sure little Snivellus needs rescuing then why aren't you diving in to save him then?" snorted Black, Remus could be so self-righteous, almost conceited at times…trouble was nine times out of ten Lupin was right…which only made Black even more envious and irritated.
"I…I can't" Remus' snarl became strangled with a mixture of embarrassed frustration and angry concern. "I can't swim…for Merlin's sake someone do something before Snape drowns"
"Bloody hell, Sirius." James snapped as he struggled out of his robe and kicked off his trainers, he may have hated Snape but he didn't want him to drown, not if it meant Black getting expelled or worse sent to Azkaban.
"Hang on, Severus!" Remus called desperately as Snape disappeared under the water once more.
James dived gracefully into the lake barely rippling the surface as Lily Evans, her friends and Professor Quinn hurried towards them. Professor Quinn taught Defence Against the Dark Arts, he was a tall, thin man with short, spiky grey hair and a demeanour to match. He didn't suffer fools gladly…especially if the fools in question were James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew. Remus Lupin seemed to escape Professor Quinn's disapproval due to possessing a far more reserved and studious nature. But it was common knowledge that Severus Snape was Quinn's favourite student, while Black it seemed could do no right in the professor's stern, icy grey eyes. This mutual animosity unfortunately only fuelled Black with even more reason to tease Snape about being Quinn's little pet, but Snape liked Quinn and so endued the taunts.
As the concerned on-lookers gasped, James appeared from the depths clutching hold of the spluttering Snape who looked deathly pale but still conscious. James it seemed was a very strong swimmer and made his way back to the shore quickly with steady powerful strokes. Lupin grabbed Snape by the collar of his shirt and found it easy enough to haul his slender, light frame from the lake on his own. Snape collapsed at Lupin's feet coughing up the water he had swallowed and groaning still reeling from the shock of what had just happened to him.
Lupin look down at the drenched, shivering creature curled at his feet, the baggy white shirt now clung transparent revealing the slender arch of Snape's back which seemed to be covered with dark patches, Lupin felt that terrible guilty fear that had gnawed away at him on the Hogwarts Express while Snape's sobs had echoed in his ears. Those dark patches…could they be bruises? Did Snape's father beat him? Remus shuddered Snape was right they had no idea what his life was like when he returned home, they all assumed he was from a wealthy, Pure-Blooded family, that he enjoyed a pampered, blissful existence…Remus was once again overcome with the desire to comfort and protect Snape, the sudden realisation making him appear even more wretched, and vulnerable as if he lay naked before them.
And suddenly Lupin need to shield Snape from all those cruel prying eyes feasting upon his frailty and humiliation so he slipped off his own robe and with the greatest, tender care remembering Snape reaction from being touched by Black draped it over his shivering body. Snape's head shot up and he gave a little surprised gasp as he felt the fabric upon him, still warm from Lupin's own body.
Snape stared at Lupin with questioning dark eyes, Lupin returned the gaze with his kindest smile. Lupin's expression transformed into a confused frown as he felt a sudden dull stab of pain in chest was it his imagination but despite everything, just for a second did those thin pale lips twitched into a weak, grateful smile? Again that stabbing sensation but this time it was sharper, more pronounced…and this time Lupin understood…it was his heartbreaking.
"What happen here?" Professor Quinn demanded glaring accusingly at Black then turning on his heels in flurry of midnight blue robes to crouch down next to Snape.
"Severus?" Quinn urged in a softer, quiet pleasant tone.
"I…I..." Snape began he glanced up at Black and then across to Lupin trying to avoided eye contact with Professor Quinn. "I was searching for Raglan weed and I slipped, Potter must have dived in and pulled me out…I can't swim"
"Yes Professor Quinn," Remus suddenly added as he saw the way Lily was looking at James; her beautiful face was radiant caught between admiration and concern. "If it hadn't been for James quick thinking and courage Severus might have drowned."
"That was really brave of you," Lily whispered, she shivered glancing back at the lake.
"Or very foolhardy." said Quinn sharply
"Well…I only did what anyone else would have done," James tried to sound humble, blushing as he knew Lily's dazzling jade eyes were on him and for once she was looking at him approvingly.
"Thank you." Snape muttered quietly as he struggled to his feet still draped with Lupin's robe and not daring to look James in the eye.
"That's okay," James replied, "as long as you are alright."
"Yes…I think the both of you should go and see the nurse, you need to get into some dry robes and I think that you should have a large mug of sugary tea Severus you look pretty shocked"
"Yes, professor," they both chorused.
Severus Snape was in shock he walked back to the castle bewildered and numb but it wasn't the icy bite of the water or even that he had escaped nearly drowning…no he was utterly shocked because Remus Lupin had shown him such concern and kindness. He pulled Lupin's robe tighter about his shoulders, it smelt of his musky aftershave mingled with the faintest odour of sweat and something that strangely reminded Snape of wet dog, not dissimilar to the smell of the German Shepard he had when very young. Snape rested his cheek upon the dark, soft fabric breathing it in deeply; his whole body trembling with the aching, desperate fancy, a pale glimmer of hope to light his utter darkness that Remus Lupin didn't hate him…and that maybe…just maybe Remus cared a little for him.
Of course the news that James Potter had rescued Severus Snape from nearly drowning swept through the school so that by breakfast the following day it seemed as if everyone knew. It could have been the prefect opportunity for James to show off but he heeded Lupin's advice and refrained from basking in the hero worship he was shown especially by the first year Gryffindors.
This new found humility annoyed Black especially as he was denied the pleasure of taunting Snape all the more but then he wasn't really in any position to argue with his best friend for fear that the truth would come out and James was rewarded by finding Lily sitting down next to him at the evening meal. By the end of the week she had finally agreed to go on a date with him the next Hogmeades visit. Severus Snape on the other hand had to endure to humiliation of being cast in the role of victim which he accepted with some obvious bitterness but that seemed a small price to pay to be left alone by Black and the others.
If he had been disturbed or frightened by the experience no one could really tell as he seemed just as lonely and withdrawn as before, if anyone had been truly disturbed by the incident it was Lupin, he couldn't get the image of Snape cowing at their feet, the dark patches, that Remus was now convinced were bruises revealed beneath the wet, clinging fabric of his shirt, and that look of utter disbelief when Remus had covered him with his robe. But what troubled Lupin the most, the thing that kept him awake long into the early hours was the strange and sudden protectiveness he had felt towards Snape and the terrible guilt churning him up inside that his own fear of the water, his inability to swim had rendered him powerless to help him.
Lupin shuddered as the realization hit him as hard as if Severus had punched him hard in the stomach, Snape hadn't changed, he was still the skinny, gaunt boy with the lank black hair, the harsh, angular features and dark watchful eyes, it was Lupin that had changed, his feeling of sympathy and admiration had slowly grown into something else…love.
It seemed so long ago now when Snape had nervously asked him if he could spare a sheet of parchment and ended up sitting next to Lupin helping him with a particularly difficult Potions essay, that is when the spark of friendship had begun but Lupin tried to remember the moment when love had entered his heart, when the comforting familiarity of Severus' company had turned into a raging fire of desire and aching need…yes…that day Severus had nearly drowned when he had felt so utterly helpless not being able to swim himself, seeing Severus so vulnerable he had instantly wanted to protect him but no it was the look in those frightened dark eyes, the surprise at his kindness the flickering of a grateful smile that had touched Lupin's heart, set the flame of love to slowly smothered until it seemed that every breath he took , every beat of his heart was a torment without being with Severus, the days were slightly more bearable but the nights were the sweetest agony, in the darkness Remus could let his mind and hands wander, the image of Severus' face so perfect as if burnt into his brain and his name upon his lips, much worse before the full moon he could smell Severus as keenly as he could now and he had taken to chaining himself up before the change in fear he would go total mad with desire, hunt him down and claim him with fang and claw.
Lupin glanced at Snape who was still scribbling away at the scroll in his usual, but now endearing, manner; hawkish nose hovering inches from the parchment as his slender hand flew across the creamy surface the quill scratching the thin, cramped spidery writing in black ink. Lupin watched him for a moment transfixed; the flickering of the torches bathed Severus in a softening glow, colouring his sallow complexion and giving his dark hair a glossy, inviting silken sheen. Lupin chewed his bottom lip, the only sounds in the library now were the pounding of his quicken heart, the scratch of Severus' quill and then a tiny sigh as Severus wrinkled his brow into a serious frown, Lupin felt a trembling burst of heat exploded in his stomach and spread downwards. Severus let out another even louder, mournful sigh as he raise his quill from the parchment his features still set deep in thought, his quill posed. Lupin could feel himself tremble at that rich, velvety sound suddenly he wanted to hear that sigh echoing in his ear, the hot breath caressing his flesh, Lupin shuddered again.
"You can put my cloak on if you're cold" Snape muttered still staring down at his essay as a strand of black hair tumbled into his vision, Lupin watched waiting for Severus to flick his head as he had secretly watched him do so many time before but Snape seem too focused on the parchment as he silently mouthed what he had written back to himself.
Lupin bit down hard on his lip, drawing blood as a sudden impulse drove him to reach across with a trembling hand and tenderly brush the hair from Snape's eyes and tuck it behind his ear. Snape's head shot upwards.
"What you do that for?" Snape demanded a little shocked, but not totally repulsed. He looked at Lupin with dark questioning eyes, his voice almost challenging.
"I…I…" Lupin stammered feeling the colour raising to his cheeks, wanting the library floor to open up and swallowing, this wasn't how he had imagine it, night after night lying in the darkness turning the scenarios around in his feverous head, haunted by those smothering enigmatic black eyes, those thin, pale inviting lips….
"You were staring at me," Severus breathed in his deep, sensual voice as he arched an eyebrow accusingly. "You're been doing that a lot lately…why?" Snape seemed to ask with innocent curiosity but his dark eyes held Lupin with an unwavering boldness, there wasn't hatred or disgust just a need to know the truth but that sent Lupin into a sudden panic.
"Sorry," Lupin just managed to say croakily gathering up his books "I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable."
"You don't." Severus voice was a taunt, honeyed whisper as his slender fingers brushed Lupin's hand "It's just no one has ever looked at me like that, it's as if you were…"
"In love with you." Lupin blurted instantly regretting his foolish boldness and looking away.
"In love with me?"
Lupin felt his heart ache, as Snape's response was fragile, questioning surprise.
The proud, pureblooded Slytherin let his mask slip for the briefest of moments and Lupin wanted him all the more for it. Again Lupin felt that wave of utter helplessness as he had done at the lake side watching Snape struggling in the murky water only this time he could do something about it, swept Severus into his arms and smother those trembling lips with his heated passionate kisses letting him know that he was truly desired and loved.
"But why?...When I am so…"
Lupin couldn't bare it any longer he grabbed Severus, cupping his cheeks in his strong hands ensuring that Snape couldn't tear his gaze away.
"You are so talented, clever…"
"Ugly." Snape added casting his eyes downwards Lupin slide a hand under Snape's chin forcing his gaze upwards.
"I don't think you are ugly," Lupin breathed as he lent brushing his mouth against Snape's silken lips that to his surprised delight seemed to soften and with a gentle coxing yielded enough for Lupin to slip his tongue between them where he found a incredibly adept, strong tongue eager to mate with his own. Lupin let a throaty growl escape as the kisses became more heated, feeling Severus long, slender fingers dancing across his scalp holding him in place, he may have started it but Severus didn't seem to finish just yet. Lupin shuddered his arms encircling that lithe body closer as the kisses deepened…then Lupin broke free suddenly.
"Sev… I've… I've got to tell you something"
"What?" gasped Snape impatiently, his teeth raking Lupin's neck.
"No…Severus" Lupin reluctantly pushed Snape off him. "This important I…I can't start a relationship without telling you the truth"
"A relationship?" Snape questioned hopefully as he stared.
"Yes," Lupin sounded a little hurt "I meant what I say Sev…this isn't just about sex…I love you and I want us to be together," Lupin chewed at his lip worried, "Please say you feel the same." Snape regarded Lupin for a moment.
"Your friends won't approve."
"What that I am gay or that I want you as my lover?"
"Both." Snape's voice cut through the air
"Then they aren't my friends…Severus…I…I…I'm a werewolf!""
"Oh that..." Snape replied coolly, without surprise or horror as he seductively trailed his slender fingers under the fabric of Lupin's shirt, stopping to rest upon the ragged scars on Lupin's chest as if he knew exactly where to find them.
"You knew?" Lupin gasped unsure if it was the relief Snape seemed to have already discovered and accepted his secret or the glorious sensation of those delicate fingertips dancing across his scared flesh, caressing the ragged tissue with such gentleness and love.
"Yeah" Snape's lips curled into a smothering, hungry smile as he lent forward and nipped playfully at Lupin's nose "I didn't get an Outstanding in my Defence Against the Dark Arts OWLs for nothing…I worked out what your little secret was in the third year, stupid," Snape gave a soft, velvety laugh, it was the first time Lupin had ever heard Snape laugh and the exquisite deep richness of his voice send a quiver of desire through Lupin, that sound he longed to cling on to wrap it about his like a velveteen darkness to sustain and warm him in the hours suffering apart.
"Oh" Lupin returned "But you still tried to follow me every month…we all though you were spying on me to…"
"Discover your big, dark secret…" Snape returned with mock sinister horror "No…I wanted to see you as a werewolf Remus." it was the first time Snape had called him by his Christian name and Lupin quiver inside with the sheer sensual delight of the deep, rich voice saying his name at last.
Black, draped in James' invisibility Cloak, followed Lupin as he hurried across the shadowy lawns towards the Whomping Willow, he glance about him nervously before slipping through the secret entrance. Black followed with a frown it wasn't a full moon until tomorrow night although their outing with Lupin had slowly ground to a halt since James was becoming more and more reluctant to be parted from Lily's company and Lupin had taken to chaining himself up in the Shrieking Shack, his transformations becoming more savage and disturbing.
At first Black had made a sick joke about Lupin secretly being into bondage but angry dripping fangs snapping inches from his throat as Lupin begged with a snarling growl for James to chain him to the wall, quickly put a stop to Black's teasing. Black shuddered as he slowly made his way down the long dark passage that lead to the abandon house, of course would never admit it but even he had been afraid of Lupin that night as he strained wildly to break free from the heavy chains (Lupin had asked James to use ones laced with silver but James had refused fearing the harm the cursed metal even in small doses might have upon his friend if touching his bare flesh) that cut into his flesh, his golden eyes aflame with torment and terrible savage hunger, snarling in pain and howling in anguish all night so that as the sun rose he would be utterly exhausted and would curl, naked, bleeding under the blanket James would leave for him and sleep in the brief rest bite before the darkness fell again.
Lupin tried to reassure them that he suffering was unfortunate to be expected, that his condition would be amplified while his teenaged hormones raged until then he was at the mercy of the waxing moon…Black scolded himself for worrying about the odd spot ruining his handsome good looks and aching in his trousers every time a pretty girl smiled at him…that was nothing to what Lupin was having to suffer all the embarrassment and uncertainly of puberty coupled with the transformation every full moon…poor fucker!
Black entered the shack to hear a muttering coming from upstairs, slowly carefully as not to make a sound he climbed the steps and entered to bedroom to find Severus Snape sitting crossed legged upon the four-poster bed. Snape had a fluffy grey blanket draped about his skinny shoulders, he was looking anxiously down at his watch, but to the sound of Lupin approaching, he looked up his thin, pale face suddenly beaming with relief.
"I was beginning to think you couldn't make it..." Snape said rising from the bed and letting the blanket tumble from his shoulders.
"So was I," Lupin offered as an apology "I thought Peter and Sirius were never going to sleep…oh, James says thanks for that Silencing Charm…"
"You never told him," gasped Snape
"No…of course not" Lupin scolded playfully "But I'll bet he would be grateful all the same…he's been racking his brains ever since he starting dating Lily have to get into the girls dormitories without setting off that alarm…hey, how did you know that spell would work unless you've…"
"And why would I want to sneak into the girls dormitories?" Snape scolded with equal playfulness arch an accusing eyebrow, "Jealous? If you must know, I worked how to get around that alarm years ago when Lucius Malfoy wanted to spent the nights with Black's cousin Narcissa."
"Oh," Lupin replied feeling a little foolish, "Hey, I got you something," Lupin smiled, offering Snape the package. "Sorry I couldn't give it to you this morning but…"
"I understand," Snape said quietly, as he took the brightly coloured parcel. "I really wasn't expecting anything," he gazed down at the gift in grateful awe, as if he held the most precious thing in the whole world in his hands.
"Go on…open it" Lupin urged impatience hopping from one foot to the other as Snape settled down upon the bed and started to carefully tear at the wrapping paper.
"Oh for goodness sake Sev, tear the bloody paper…I am dying to know what you think of it!" Lupin pleaded in an excited, pained voice. Snape looked up at him as that annoyingly stubborn strand of hair tumbled into his eye, he shook it from is vision curling his thin lips slightly at one corner giving Lupin that slight but so sexy half smile that he knew drove his lover crazy with desire.
"You bastard," Lupin barked.
"Now…now Remus…" Snape replied silkily, sounding the 's' in his lover's name in a lingering rich sensuous hiss that made Lupin's legs turn to jelly. "That's no way to talk to your…oh…oh Remus you didn't" Snape's voice suddenly became choked with emotion as he tore the wrapping paper to reveal the soft, worn black leather cover of an ancient looking book, he looked up at Lupin with gapping surprise, speechless.
"You do like it?" Lupin asked anxiously, finally closing the gap between then and sitting down beside Snape. "Please tell me I got the right book…Remedies and Cauldron Lore by Aurelia Fallon…"
"Oh Remus," Snape gasped, tenderly running his slender fingers over the cover of the book, tracing the now faded golden script of the title, then flicking it open and glancing down at the first page. "But this is a first edition; it must have cost a fortune"
"I confess it wasn't cheap," Lupin answered coyly, "I used all my allowance…but you're worth it."
"Thank you Remus," Snape smiled with delight clutching the book to his chest, "Thank you… thank you!" he gave Lupin a tender kiss upon cheek. Black felt his stomach sudden give a sickening lurch as it began to dawn on him that what he was witnessing could be more than just two friends exchanging Christmas gifts.
"Hey," scolded Lupin with a little bark, "is that all I get?" he cupped his hands under Snape's chin and drew him into a more passionate kiss.
Black curled his hands into fists squeezing hard so that the pain of his fingernail digging into his palms trying to suppress the angry growl that was threatening to rise from deep within shaking body. He could feel his whole skin starting to crawl as he watched sicken at the sight of the two sweethearts! Black didn't know what made him more shocked and repulsed that he had discovered that Remus Lupin was gay or that he was snogging Severus Snape.
"And that's more like it," Lupin gasped as he finally released Snape from his embrace. "I've missed you Sev." Lupin added breathlessly
"I can tel,l" Snape replied briefly brushing his lips against Lupin's mouth but pulling away before his lover could draw him into another heated kiss. Lupin groaned with disappointmen,t trying to kiss Snape but he was pushed gently away.
"My turn" Snape explained as he fumbled in the back pocket of his jeans. "I am afraid it's not as impressive as your gift…" he handed over a tiny square parcel wrapped in red tissue paper and tied neatly with gold ribbon.
"Wow…my house colours as well" Lupin smiled.
"Er…anyway, it's not much but I saw it and you came to my mind," Snape shrugged with a blush.
"Thank you…I really didn't think you…"
"Did you honestly think I had forgotten you," Snape snapped a little offended, sounding more like the proud Slytherin as he watched Lupin carefully slip the ribbon from the parcel and unfold the tissue paper.
"No…I mean, I wasn't sure…oh Severus," Lupin said with quiet surprise, Lupin gulped a lump caught in his throat as he held up a chunky silvery chain with a pendant in the shape of a running wolf hanging from it. "Oh Sev" Lupin breathed as he looked at the necklace glinting in the candlelight.
"Do you like it?" Snape asked anxiously "Don't worry it's not silver" he quickly added "It's white gold…so you can wear it all the time…if you want to wear it at all." Snape kicked at the floor nervously, glancing at Lupin through his curtain of dark hair.
"Of course I want to wear it, dolt…hey, put it on for me" Lupin smiled as handing the necklace over he turned so that Snape could put it on for him. Snape rose onto his knees and leaning forward hung the chain around Lupin's neck.
"This is just so cool" Lupin grinned as he grasped the tiny silvery wolf rubbing it gently between his forefinger and thumb. "Thanks Sev…I'm never going to take this off…ever"
"I'm glad you like it" Snape whispered as he fastened the clasp, his fingers lingered upon Lupin's neck then slipped to curl about his shoulders massaging them through the woollen fabric of his sweater as he stooped to brushed his lips upon the inviting flesh of Lupin's now ornamented neck making Lupin shuddered.
"Sev…" Lupin growled softly arching himself back against Snape's chest encouraging him to continue nibbling at his neck. "I want you" Lupin groaned twisting around to face Snape, their mouths met again.
"Do you think we should" Snape muttered between kisses "won't your friends miss you?"
"No…thanks to you, James is snuggled up with Lily, Peter and Sirius will be knocked out until lunchtime tomorrow with the amount of Fire whisky they put away…we've got all night…besides I don't care, it's a full moon tomorrow so I won't be able to see you for three days Sev…I can't wait that long…I want to be with you tonight…"
"There is a way we can be together" Snape mused "not this full moon it's too late for that but maybe the next one"
"You're not think of becoming an animal, Sev?" Lupin asked trying not to sound excited.
"No…but there is a potion…it takes two week to brew and pretty complex but Professor Scarlett reckons that I am more than capable of mixing up a batch…don't worry I didn't tell Scarlett it was for you…I let he think it was for a Defence Against the Dark Arts project and if he asks Quinn I tell him I thought it might be handy to know if I decided in a career in dark wizard catching…"
"You're not serious about becoming an Auror are you Sev?" Lupin asked anxiously.
"It can be really dangerous and…and I don't know what I would do if anything happened to you. Sometimes you scare me Sev…you're obsessed with dark magic, is that why you use to sneak out on a full moon hoping to catch a glimpse of a real werewolf…"
"No…because I want to see you in wolf form…and I could if you drank that potion next full moon."
"I don't know, Sev…not that I doubt your skill at potion brewing but it sounds hell of a risky."
"But I would be perfectly safe, the potion won't stop the transformation but it allows you to control the beast within…you might be a wolf but it would be truly you behind those gorgeous golden brown eyes..."
"No Sev, you don't understand even if the potion worked I couldn't let you watch me transform…"
"I can't begin to imagine the torment you must have to endure every month Remus…but I don't want you to be ashamed of what you are…please don't push me away when all I want to do is help ease your pain, comfort your suffering."
"But I am ashamed, it's not just the humiliation and physical pain of the transformation Sev, it's the terrifying bestial lust that burns through my whole body, my desire…no…my wanton need for you that drives me to the brink of insanity. It was bad enough knowing you were so near by in the castle that I had to chain myself up…sometimes on this very bed to stop myself hunting you down…but if you were in the same room and the chains broke…I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I would sink my fangs into your flesh, taste your sweet blood in my mouth, tear my claws at your shoulders as I satiated my carnal need without tenderness or mercy…no…I could really hurt you Sev…I couldn't risk it."
"I could," Snape returned quietly cupping Lupin's face in his trembling hands "just to be with you."
"But why?" Lupin asked astonished.
"Because the transformation is a part of you, and I want to share it."
"But I've never let…not even James has seen me transform."
"Exactly," Snape answered kissing him on the cheek "I want all of you Remus Lupin and I am not afraid…I'm not afraid to give all of myself in return."
"Sev," Lupin growled, "Do you honestly mean it…I can wait, I want you to be quite sure"
"Yes…" Snape answered, "I want you to be my first…"
Sirius stared moodily at the twinkling lights on the common room Christmas tree, churning up with anger, revulsion and shame. He was disgusted with Lupin that he could have done those things with another man, even more sicken by who he had chosen Snape as his lover. But what really disgusted Black more than anything was the terrible jealousy that Snape had stirred within him, a sheering hot angry jealously that raged through his veins that had made him want to dragged Snape by his greasy, lank hair from Lupin's arm and smash that ugly, hooked nosed face hard into the wooden floor boards of the shack until he had knocked the little queer bastard unconscious…and then that wouldn't have been enough to satiate his rage…no he would have to kill the filthy little bastard for that…but this wasn't a jealousy stirred by an envious heart, Black didn't secretly desire Lupin, he wasn't gay but it was the obviously, sickening depths of fiery passion and total devotion they felt for each other, that is what really kicked Black in the teeth.
It was nearly midday, Black wanted to confront Lupin but he and Peter still hadn't surfaced from the dormitory. James and Lily sat curled up together on the sofa, this new intimacy confirming they had taken their relationship to the next level, but Black was too twisted with rage to feel pleased for his friend.
"So who's up for cold turkey and salad?" asked James giving Lily a tender kiss upon the cheek. "No wonder I'm bloody starving is it really lunch time already…where is everyone?"
"Do you think Remus is alright?" Lily asked as she snuggled into James not really wanting to move just yet. "I know it's the…" she stopped not sure if she should openly speak about Lupin's condition. "You know…but he seemed awfully distant yesterday…as if he didn't want to be with us…."
"Perhaps he didn't" Black snorted rising from his chair, that was it he was going to confront Lupin even if he had to shake him awake. Black found Peter his back to the door dressed and crouching on his bed scribbling at one of the brightly coloured parchment sheets he had been given by Lily as a gift. Lupin was still in bed, buried deep under the covers, he gave a soft moan to which Black snorted in disgust.
"Moony's still asleep." Peter muttered not looking up from his letter home.
"No shit, Wormtail."
"I only meant…" Peter snapped, sounding a little bruised by Black's unkind commen,t "let the poor guy sleep; he's obviously knackered and it's a full moon tonight."
"O,h he's knackered all right been shagging his boyfriend all night," Black spat.
"No way," Peter spun around gapping with disbelief at Black as Lupin stirred beneath the covers. "Is that right Remus…are you gay?"
"I am what?" Lupin asked sleepy
"You're a fucking sick bastard," snarled Black finally losing his temper.
Peter looked worried he had never seen Black so full of rage.
Lupin cast aside his quilt and rose from the bed, staring bewildered at his friend.
"I am not sick Sirius…okay I am gay…happy…but I don't see what the hell has it got to do with you, fuck off Black," replied Lupin strangely agitated, Peter looked from Black to Lupin getting increasingly worried, he had never seen Lupin lose his temper, never know him to swear.
"Fucking hell Remus… you're even beginning to sound like your slimy Slytherin boyfriend…what did that vile little snake do slip you a love potion so the he could fuck you up the…"
"How dare you…" Lupin snarled baring his teeth "you might be my friend although I am seriously beginning to doubt that now…you have no right to dictate to me who I can fall in love with…"
"Love?" Black barked "Piss off you can't call that love…what you did with him last night was sick…"
"How the hell do you know what I was doing last night?" Lupin's eyes darted to the chest of drawers where James kept his invisibly cloak "You…you're that one that is sick Sirius!"
"Not as sick as that greasy little bastard…I'm going to kill him…"
"Over my dead body." snapped Lupin stepping into Black's path.
"Come on then queer boy…" goaded Black, beckoning Lupin with his hands clenched into fists ready to take a shot at him. Gentle Lupin stood his ground bravely as Peter scurried out of the room. "Okay then have it your way…" Black growled throwing a punch at Lupin who tried to dodge it but Black was too fast, his fist crunched against Lupin's slender nose, scattering the bone.
"That was for seeing me naked" Black snarled as Lupin clutched at his nose, a river of red gushed through his fingers, his honey eyes filled with pain and utter disbelief. Black punched Lupin hard in the stomach "That's for seeing James naked…you're the fucking pervert"
"James!…James!" squeaked Peter as he rushed down the stone steps and exploded into the common room, eyes wide with fear his arms flapping. "Sirius is punching Remus, I think he broke his nose …quick James…before he kills him…"
"But why?" asked James untangling himself from Lily who looked terrified.
"Oh my god…" Lily gasped clutching a hand to her chest "Sirius must have found out about Remus being…" Lily stopped, biting her tongue; she looked at James who stared bewildered at her.
"Being what?" James demanded looking hurt that she knew something about his friend that he obviously didn't.
"Remus is gay" she whispered ashamed that she had betrayed the trust Lupin had bestowed upon her.
"So Remus really is gay," replied James with a half smile.
"Quick!" screamed Peter.
James dragged Black off Lupin by the collar of his shirt and flung him across the room, stepping between his best friend and Lupin who lay on the floor curled into the foetal position, groaning, his hands bruised and bleeding from defending his face from Black's merciless onslaught.
"Stop it Sirius, I am warning you" hissed James, "So Lupin's gay, big deal!"
"You knew?" spat Black accusingly, "You knew Lupin was queer."
"No," James replied quietly as he helped Remus struggle onto the bed, "But I had my suspicions," James gave Lupin a weak but reassuring smile, he had wondered for a while now if Lupin preferred men, never seeming to be bothered that he didn't have a girlfriend, unlike Pettigrew who was pathetically desperate and Black who's larger than life ego seemed to need several pretty girls fussing over him. So James wasn't altogether surprised by the news, he couldn't just start hating Lupin because he was attracted to men, although he did have to confess he was a little upset that Lupin hadn't felt that he could confided in him, had he really thought that he would have reacted in the same way that Black was acting now. James sighed, he owed so much of his great happiness with Lily now down to Lupin, he had been the only one with the courage or the insight to tell him to grow up…and now all he wanted was Lupin to be just as happy.
"I am not bothered if Remus fancies men. As long as you're not after my ass…" James gave a nervous chuckle; maybe his attempt at breaking the tension wasn't such a good idea "…afraid I'm spoken for mate."
"You're not my type," Lupin managed more to reassure James he wasn't offended than genuine amusement.
"Then why don't you tell James just who is your type," Black snarled the angry rising in his voice again "Go on…tell him who your boyfriend is…"
"Shut up Sirius," James glared at Black, "You don't have to tell me anything."
"Nah…he won't tell you, he's far too ashamed to admit he's been shagging that filthy little…" Black was silenced by a spell from James.
"I think you should leave." James snapped releasing Black from the spell that had frozen him to the spot.
"But what if…" Lupin sounded worried glancing at Black.
"And don't think you can sneak off to beat up on Remus' boyfriend, who ever he is. If you do, then I'll go straight to Dumbledore and he'll expel you for sure. You might be my best friend Sirius, but what you've done to Remus is just so wrong."
Sirius glared at James and then stormed out of the room.
"Are you alright?" James asked handing Remus a handkerchief as he sat down beside him. "Ouch…that looks nasty I think it might be broken."
"It is," Remus groaned with pain trying to clean some of the clotted blood from his swollen, pained nose.
"I don't understand why Sirius…"
"Hates me?" suggested Remus.
"No…I don't think he really hates you I guess discovering you're gay has come as a bit of a shock to him, Sirius is pretty conservative in his opinions"
"But he accepted I was a werewolf isn't that a bigger deal…so why can't he accept I am gay? And that I am so deeply in love."
"You are in love with this guy then?" James asked cautiously.
"Oh James, this isn't just sex…I love him with all my heart. He is everything to me, I ache so terribly when we aren't together and I want to be with him…forever…isn't that how you feel about Lily?"
"Yes…wow… you really are in love. I don't know Remus…maybe Sirius can never accept you're in love with a guy, but I promise I'm never going to let him get away with beating you up again...I know how badly you must have wanted to fight back but…"
"If I had defended myself James that would have been it, I would have just seen red and I wouldn't have stopped until I had killed him…and I still will if he lays a finger on…"
"Hey," soothed James rubbing Lupin on the shoulder, "He's not going to beat up your boyfriend…I won't let him…I promise."
"Don't go making promises you might not want to keep." Lupin muttered looking down at the floor.
"What do you mean? Who are you seeing Remus?" James suddenly sounded anxious and very curious.
"Severus..."
"You…you mean Severus…as in Severus Snape?" James stammered asked unable to hide his obvious surprise, he sounded more stunned then anything. "You've actually…with Snape?"
"I told you there's more to our relationship then just the physical…" Lupin retorted bitterly, "I knew you wouldn't understand."
"Hey…I am sorry mate," James said humbly, putting his arm around Lupin and giving his arm a squeeze. James rested his head briefly on Lupin's shoulder looked up at him with a stupid grin, crossing his eyes he asked in a deliberately, stupid deep voice "You sure I'm not your type?"
"Definitely not," Lupin replied shrugging him off and trying not to smile; it was hard to be angry with James for long when he could be so sharp and amusing.
"And Severus is your type then…he feels the same, he loves you?"
"Yes…I really do love Severus and he really loves me"
"And does he know about your furry little problem?"
"Yes…I've hidden nothing from him…and still he loves me despite everything…I am not asking you to become his friend or even like him just accept that we are in love and that we want to be together…please don't make me choose between you," Lupin's gentle, rich voice quivered as his soft brown eyes brimmed with tears.
"Oh Remus you daft soppy sod…I am not going force you to choose as long as Snape makes you happy…then that's cool with me."
"Really?"
"Yeah…and don't worry about Sirius I'll sort him out."
"Thanks James," Lupin managed a smile, "You know what… I think that you have finally grown up…"
"Yeah I guess I have." laughed James.
R&R!