Disclaimer:
This story and nearly all of its characters are products of the exquisite genius of Mrs. JK Rowling. We just manipulated her plot line for our own twisted purposes.
Authors' Note: This story was a collaborative effort between Captain Cass and Erial Arrowman. Hope you enjoy! These people are deliberately out of character, so don't flame us for it. We'll sic Dumbledore on you.
Chapter 1: The Bum from the Lamp
Evil was swiftly approaching Hogwarts. Voldemort and his Deatheater minions swarmed the castle, casting spells of destruction in every direction. Carnage littered the lawns like rubbish, and students were cowering behind granite statues as their peers burst into flames like so many sizzling sausages. Little did they know that, hiding in the deepest recesses of the castle, Mundungus Fletcher was stealthily depositing his most recent "find", a tarnished brass lamp, in a canvas bag. The greenish lamp clanged as it fell against an antique silver teapot and reddish smoke began spewing from its mouth.
"Oh, bugger…." Mundungus' eyes grew wide in shock and awe as a scruffy-looking bum tumbled unceremoniously from the smoky haze.
"Watchoo want? I was 'avin' myself a right nice nap when yoo went bangin' my lamp an' wakin' me up. This 'ad better be good, it 'ad! Three wishes, and hurry up with 'em." The man glared at Mundungus with narrow, bleary eyes.
Mundungus, previously oblivious to the goings-on in the rest of the castle, suddenly had an epiphany.
'I really don't want to go to Hell', he mused, thoughtfully. 'I've been a rotten, lousy excuse for a man, up to this point in my life. I think I'll help out the cause. Just for the record, God, the things I'm about to wish for are completely selfless and should warrant my immediate entry to the pearly gates of Heaven.' Then, he spoke.
"For my first wish, I would like for everything to be right in Hogwarts. For my second wish, I would like Dumbledore to come back to life. And third, I wish Voldemort would come to the good side. He must also join the Peace Corps."
The genie scratched his head thoughtfully. "You wished nuthin' for yoreself. That's the most luverly thing I've ever heard of. For that, you get an extra wish."
Mundungus's eyes lit up greedily. "Well, I've always wanted to be the smartest man in the world."
"Consider it dun, sah!" The genie bowed his head in concentration.
"Poof!" All was well at Hogwarts. Voldemort came to the good side. And Mundungus Fletcher became Hilary Clinton.
Dumbledore opened his eyes. He looked around at his coffin. Gathering all his strength, he smashed through the stone he was entombed in and clawed his way to fresh air. He stumbled to his feet and took a deep breath. He looked down at his rotting remains and tattered robes. And then he spoke.
"Ah, shit."