I think im gonna go crazy. I feel as if I am drowning in an ocean of sorrow and cant find a raft to hold as my own sanity. My wife left and took the kids. I have them on weekends and holidays though. I miss them so much. I am a falling leaf from a tree that used to be happy family.
I sit and wonder how my life would have ended up if I hadn't joined svu. Maybe me and my wife would still be happy couple lost in our own love. Sigh. I love my wife, I do. But, I don't love her like I know I should.
My children are my life. My escape out of an evil world. I love them with all my heart.
I get up and walk over to a bookshelf. I pull out a photo album. I open it and get lost in a forest of my happy memories. Smiles on every picture. I would smile, but I cant. I cant because I am numb.
I am a block of ice that wont melt now matter how hot it gets. I am a bullet that wont fire.
I look up from th forest and look out the window. It is raining, each drop a reminder of a problem in my life. They each hit the window and form a rythym of sound that drown my ears.
I feel like punching the wall and letting myself bleed. All the blood seeping out like a rush of my own lies and sins.
The storm outside has gotten worse, almost like it is playing to the tune of my mind.
My mind is racing and I cant reach the brakes. All I want is to feel again. Feel happy, but I cant. I cant because I am numb. I wish I would melt and seep away, I wish I would fire and get lost in the wind before smashing into my target called reality.
I look back down at the book in my lap. I slam it shut and throw it at a wall. It has nothing but memories, memories that once flooded my mind but since dried up along with my sense of feeling. No one can save me from the ocean I am drowning in.
I stare at the spot where it hit the wall. I can see a picture shining from the light filling the room.
I try to stand up. I bend my knees, they feel as if they have a coat of rust stopping them. I stand and walk over to the picture. It feels like I am walking through the forest again, only this time it has been burned in what can only be called my sorrow.
The trees in the forest are black and stripped of their leaves, the happiness. The ground is blank and covered in dirt. The sky is gray and stained with smoke. There is a scent in the air, sadness, it fills your nostrils and burns your eyes.
I finally pick up the photo. It's a family portrait. I'm kneeling one on knee with Maureen and Kathleen on my left side. Dickie and Lizzie on my right. Kathy over me with her hands on my shoulders. Were all smiling.
I let it fall from my hands to the floor. That picture is a ghost. A shadow of a once whole family.
I am next to fall. My knees buckle like they are on a timer. I'm on the floor with my head buried in my hands.
I lift my head and stare back at the window. The rain still making a pattern of sound, and being the only thing reminding me I am still in reality. A lone tear finds its way down my face. It falls on the picture. The shadow.
Being this numb is now something I am custom to. This house, is now so empty. It is a grave for my happiness. I find myself needing to get out, as the emptiness feeds off me. I get to my feet and break out of the door separating me from outside. I run out into the sidewalk, my skin tingles from the cold.
I try to catch my breath, I am breathing like I am in the fire burning in my throat.
I cant breathe though. I am drowning, I am stuck in the burned forest breathing in the smoke. I finally catch my breath, I look around me.
I see street lights and cars passing by. I blink and turn around to face the house that haunts me. I long for my kids to come piling out and hug me, telling me they miss me. But it wont happen. I stare and realize that the only thing coming out is ghosts. Ghosts of what used to be his life.
He falls to his knees and hears the thunder clap. The rain starts to fall and soon he is soaked.
He is still so numb. He is still drowning in his own anguish and sorrow, and he cant seem to keep his head above the water.
Finished?