Who Wants to Marry a Sniper Target? - Trinn
Chapter 2: BLEEPIN BEEEEEP BLEEP HONK

After several minutes of what the caller liked to call "persuasive language," Stu finally broke down and told the man what he wanted to know.

"Aah... those would be French manufactured?"

What followed next involved a tiny pair of scissors, Captain Guy's bean burrito, and Stu Shephard's stylish left shoe. This is how it happened:

Captain Guy finally finished his bean burrito. He picked up his megaphone again and walked toward the phone booth a few steps. Speaking to Stu through the megaphone, he shouted, "My marriage ended badly!"

Stu stared for a few minutes, then called back, "And why would I want to know that?"

"I don't know! I just thought it would make you feel better!"

"Better than what?"

"Better than I did after my wife ditched me! Here, let me go into detail..." Captain Guy began to explain about his marriage but Stu was quicker. Faster than anyone could see, Stu knelt down on the floor of the phone booth, untied and removed his left shoe, and through it as hard as he could in Captain Guy's direction.

"Don't get any closer!" Stu shouted. Throughout all this the caller had been suspiciously silent, but soon he spoke again.

"Sorry Stuart, I had to grab a bite to eat. That bean burrito just looked so good. But I'm back now!"

Stu spoke into the phone. "Remind me again why I'm talking to you?"

"Because you enjoy the sound of my voice so much. And because I have a rifle, which I forgot to mention before."

"... oh."

The caller laughed. "Yes, Stu! A rifle! Bwahah!" He sobered a bit. "Now I want you to do something for me. I know all I could possibly know about your outfit so... let's mess with your social life!"

"Aw man, not my social life!"

"Yes Stu! I think I'll begin by calling your wife and telling her that you've found someone else... me, in fact. Wouldn't that be a nice twist." The obviously masculine voice sounded quite amused.

"No! Don't call Kelly!"

"Ah, so you DO have a wife!"

"Wait a mi-- hey!" Stu was furious with himself. But he was more angry at the caller.

"That's right Stu, I tricked you again. Don't you love that feeling?"

At these words something in Stu's memory jogged. He said suspiciously, "Are you that guy I sold those "Guaranteed Win" lottery tickets to?"

"No Stuart, that was my cousin. Phil's never been one of the bright ones... and that's not why I'm tormenting you, Stu, so don't get your hopes up."

"Then why ARE you tormenting me?"

"Because I liked your hair. I thought that was clear."

"Anyway, Kelly time!"

"No!" But Stu could already hear another phone ringing. On the other end was Kelly's voice.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Kelly, I'm calling about your husband, Stu..."

Stu yelled into the phone, "Kelly! Don't listen! He's a liar, Kelly!"

"Stu?"

"Yes. In fact, he's listening to what we're saying now but you can't hear him."

Kelly's voice sounded confused. "But, I thought I just did hear him!"

The caller was silent for a moment. "Sorry about that, forgot to push..." There was a beeping sound. "There."

Stu yelled again, but this time Kelly really couldn't hear him.

The caller went on. "Anywho Kelly, this Stuart Shephard you're married to, he's been avaiding his taxes lately..."

Stu sighed with relief. Kelly did the taxes.

"...and he's just been arrested on charges of murder."

Kelly sounded shocked. "What?"

Stu said the same thing, only louder and followed by several persuasive phrases.

"Yes Mrs. Shephard, I'm sorry to say your husband is a baby-killer."

"No! Stu doesn't kill babies! A frog once, but that was an accident..."

"I'm sorry, but it's true." The caller didn't sound THAT sorry. "And before killing the baby, do you know what he did? He stole its candy! Right from its mouth!"

After ten more minutes of telling Kelly about the various crimes he hadn't done, the caller hung up and turned back to Stu. "So Stu, how does it feel to be a baby killer?"

Stu, who was feeling distinctly grumpy by this time, replied in a string of threats and cuss words that didn't end until the caller cocked his rifle audibly. Stu's tirade ended with, "And THEN I'll... eep!"