Who Wants to Marry a Sniper Target? - Trinn
Chapter 4: The Chipmunk with the Laser Eyes

The crowd had thickened considerably from the beginning of the whole "You have nice hair so I'm going to torture you incessantly" fiasco. In fact, there were so many people gathered to see the flamethrower man that some of the small business owners began to set up shop right there in the street.

"Special today only! Flamethrower Man discount on all toy robots!" One man had a bunch of little blue toy robots that walked and spun around whenever someone said "Sticky Wicket."

"Come git yer illegal alcohol and cheap little plastic dealies here! Guaranteed made by all-illegal immigrants!" (The owner of this small business kept getting weird looks from the police, especially Captain Guy.)

"Freaky chipmunks with lasers for eyes! Fresh out of the labs of the craziest scientists' basements! Cheap today in honor of that guy over there!" Some silence followed this pitch as everyone stared at the little cages and their contents: tiny balls of fuzz that would occasionally blink and someone nearby would catch fire or lose a leg. But soon other merchants began haggling with various members of the crowd and the street became a marketplace centered around a guy in a phone booth who was believed to have a flamethrower.

"Well Stu, this is certainly an interesting development." Stu had almost forgotten about the caller. "And you know what?"

"What?" Stu asked warily.

"I think those laser chipmunks are kinda cute..."

Stu groaned; he knew what was coming next.

"And I want you to get me one!"

"For here or to go?" Stu replied sarcastically.

The caller laughed. "Just get me the chipmunk."

Stu sighed heavily and ran his hand through his lovely hair. "Get a laser-eyed super-chipmunk for a crazy with a rifle... sounds simple enough..." he muttered.

"Oh, and Stu, don't let go of the phone. If you did I would shoot you."

"Well that certainly complicates things." The caller laughed.

Stu stuck his head out of the phone booth. As he was deciding what to say, one of the cops noticed and alerted Captain Guy, who was buying some illegal alcohol from one of the vendors. The captain looked up quickly and jogged over to where he could see Stu's head better.

"Hey you!" Captain Guy mouthed, me? "Yes, you with the illegal alcohol problem! Get me one of those chipmunks or I'll kill everyone with my flamethrower!"

Captain Guy considered Stu for a moment and nodded. He went over to the chipmunk vendor and appeared to buy a chipmunk from the man. The chipmunk-seller handed the captain one of the small cages, along with a large white textbook. The man waved cheerfully in a "Thank you, come again!" way and Captain Guy started to walk slowly towards Stu's booth.

"I've got your chipmunk right here," called Captain Guy. "Why don't you come out and talk about it?"

Stu looked confused. "Talk about the laser chipmunk?"

Captain Guy looked at him. "If you want to..."

"I don't really want to talk to anyone right now, I'm having kind of a bad day. Can you just bring me the stupid rodent?"

The caller spoke up. "Don't let him get any closer."

"Stop!" Stu yelled at the captain, who froze midstride. He spoke into the phone: "Why not? How's he supposed to bring me your little monster-rodent if he can't come up to the booth?!"

"Were you ever in Odyssey of the Mind as a child?"

"...no..."

"Obviously. Odyssey of the Mind teaches you creative problem solving skills."

"So you're saying--"

"Figure it out."

Stu thought for a moment, then stuck his head back out of the booth and yelled at Captain Guy (who was teetering precariously on one leg in the same position as he had been before), "Toss it!"

"What?"

"Toss me the chipmunk!"

"Are you mad? It'll kill us all!"

"Either it or my flamethrower," Stu shrugged.

Captain Guy looked doubtful, but he raised his arm to throw the chipmunk's cage. As he judged the distance of the phone booth, the chipmunk vendor noticed what he was doing and appeared suddenly by the captain's side.

"What are you doing?!"

"I am tossing this chipmunk" he pointed to the cage, "to that man over there," he pointed to Stu, who waved.

"But the chipmunk will undoubtedly laserize the entire--" but Captain Guy had already thrown it.

As the chipmunk and its cage flew through the air, small red laser beams shot out from the little object and cut smoking holes in everything from shoe stores to the asphalt of the road to the crowd of people. When the lasers turned in Stu's direction he ducked, which was a good thing for him because the top of the phone booth suddenly separated itself from the bottom where he was crouching.

At last Stu caught the mad little animal and held it carefully with its eyes pointed away from him. It seemed to be vibrating. Cupping the phone between his ear and his shoulder, he could hear the caller laughing delightedly. "Okay," he said, "I have your mad chipmunk, now what do I do with it??"

"Hold it up where I can see it better... yes, that's good... Oh! It's so cuuute! Isn't it just precious, Stu? ... Stu? Say my chipmunk is precious."

Stu rolled his eyes. "Your chipmunk is very precious," he said in a flat voice.

"Now squeal like a girl," said the caller.

"What?"

"You know... heeheehee!" The caller giggled in a high pitched voice. "Like that!"

"Eheeheh..."

The caller sighed. "Good enough, I guess."

There was silence for a moment, and Stu's arms started to get tired from holding the chipmunk up. At last he said, "...so, what do we do now?"

The caller paused. "I suppose I could make you enact scenes from 'Gone with the Wind'..."