FAID: HERMIONE STRIKES BACK
Ok, since I have not been flamed and a few people actually seemed to appreciate this story, I'm not deleting it. In fact, I'm going to write another chapter.
WARNING! EXTREME SILLINESS AHEAD! WARNING!
"Hermione? What are you doing?" Ron asked, seeing his girlfriend submerged in piles and piles of paper that were being produced by her 'sprinter' or whatever she called the strange device hooked to her…combuster.
Harry came in, looking annoyed. "That evil murderer Snape is still teaching potions! I don't get it! He should be on the run, and WHY are we not searching for the Horcruxes?"
Hermione emerged from under a mass of paper.
"Because we are in a fanfiction," she said.
"A WHAT!" Harry and Ron exclaimed.
"A fanfiction," Hermione said. "Those FAIDS we met? They write stories using the characters from their favorite books. Fanfiction, it's called. I've googled a bit and found the site they were referring to, and I've been printing the stories from it because of course, my computer and printer wouldn't work at Hogwarts, if you have read Hogwarts, A History, which of course, you haven't."
"Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you. I climb through the portrait of the Fat Lady and instead of the common room, I'm in your room at your parents' house. What's up with that?"
"Well," Hermione said, picking up a piece of paper, "that's because we are IN a fanfiction. One of the FAIDS, Laume, is writing this story and has decided to just bring us in here instead of the common room."
Two jaws dropped.
"You mean…we're like…puppets on a string?"
"Yes," Hermione answered. "I've collected all the stories I needed from the Internet, though, so I suspect we'll be going back to the common room soon enough."
And indeed, just as she had finished her sentence, they found themselves, with papers, in the conveniently empty Gryffindor common room.
"I think we should call Dumbledore and Snape here too, or we'll never get through this pile," Hermione said, "and Laume will want us together some time soon anyway."
A smirking Author soon deposited the late headmaster and the criminal professor in the common room, where the Trio was already deeply immersed in the fanfiction stories.
"Eeeewwww Harry, look at this one!" Ron exclaimed, "In this one, we are all in a potions accident that changes us into small children!"
"Yes, there are lots of stories like that," Hermione replied, "it seems you and Snape especially are very popular for that, Harry."
Snape sneered. "Don't tell me people make me wear diapers!"
Hermione sighed. "Sometimes they do, yes. Depends on how old they make you."
"Well, considering he wasn't potty trained until he was seven…" Dumbledore taunted his murderer, who made to grab his wand, but discovered it missing again. He resolved this by kicking the old wizard in the shins.
"OUCH! You slimy brat, to think I trusted you!" Dumbledore tweeked Snape's nose, which, considering its size, was true torture.
"Could you two stop that and help us read through this fanfiction?" Hermione said, irritated.
Silence reigned for a short while after that, until Snape suddenly turned green and rushed to a corner of the room, puking his guts out.
"What? What did you read?" the others asked, reaching for the Potions Masters pile.
"NO! Don't touch that!" Snape wheezed, wiping his mouth on his sleeve.
"Its disgusting. You know what they make us DO?" He yelled.
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "They make me share a bed with Granger, which is possible the kindest story in that pile. I've also been paired up with….oooooohhhh Harry, Albus, Minerva, Lupin, Black…."
At this point, four men stormed to four different corners, all retching.
"Well, the FAIDS aren't THAT bad," Hermione, the only one to keep her cool, remarked, "They are simply interested in stories in which you aren't an evil murderer. They seem to think you just need a few good hugs and cuddles to set you straight."
Dumbledore snorted. "A few good hexes and curses is more like it," the headmaster growled, "anyway, thanks to those Fairies…"
"FAIDS," Hermione corrected,
"FAIDS, I am now missing out on Perenelle's applepie. Do you have ANY idea how absolutely scrumptious her pies are?"
"No, because we aren't dead," Ron unwisely pointed out.
Snape glared. Snape had only three facial expressions, which were Glare, Sneer or Scowl. Rather limited, but he found it worked well enough for him.
He hated people who had more facial expressions. He considered that extravagant and Snape hated extravagance. He did secretly like Ron, because Ron only had two facial expressions: Angry and Clueless. Then again, he was also jealous of Ron for having less facial expressions then Snape.
To make himself feel better, he smashed a plate over Dumbledore's head. The dead man walked away annoyed. After all, he was already dead, what did Snape think he could accomplish by such an action. Nevertheless, it called for revenge, so he picked up Neville's toad and threw it in Snapes face.
"TREVOR!" Neville yelled, rushing down the stairs. He picked up his toad and vanished in thin air.
"Anyway," Hermione resumed, "Those FAIDS are in denial. I think the only way to get out of this story is to give in to their denial."
Four blank faces. Except for Snape, who couldn't do blank, but was glad that Ron now also had three facial expressions.
"I mean," Hermione went on, "that to escape this story and return to our business of being dead, on the run, and chasing horcruxes, we have to trick the FAIDS into believing we are exactly as they wish to see us."
Harry caught on and looked horrified. "I don't have to sleep with Snape, do I?" he said, going green.
"No, no," Hermione reassured him, looking at Snape's expression which was now murderous. But, being a murderer, it suited him very well.
"What we need to do is the following…
NEXT CHAPTER: THE RETURN OF THE FAIDS