Who Wants to Marry a Sniper Target? - Trinn
Chapter 9: By Popular Demand
Once a week for about a month, Stu was sold off to the highest bidding reality TV show. He was becoming a sensation among people of all genders and age groups, eventually even internationally. But along with StuTV, another cleverly named television station was rapidly gaining popularity: SniperTV, which had dedicated itself to finding and celebritizing Stu's former captor.
This task was harder than it sounded, as SniperTV innovator Karrigan Michaels soon discovered when she realized how much she and her coworkers at the station actually knew about the caller: one, that he apparently had a phone, or had access to a phone somewhere; and two, he possibly had some sort of mind control powers over chipmunks.
This led to several very action-packed live shows that were sadly devoid of any useful content.
Karrigan grew so desperate to find the phone booth sniper that she began advertising in the Personals section of the newspaper:
"SWF, seeking man with a tendency to shoot people in phone booths, preferably the man who was responsible for Stuart Shepard's brief stay in the phone booth with the chipmunks. If you are this man, or know anyone like him, call K. Michaels at..."
So now she was sitting in her executive office, tapping a pen annoyingly on an open copy of the newspaper and trying to think of a way she could BS her way through another hour of prime time TV without actually having a main character or any way to locate him.
She sighed dramatically and pulled at her hair, possibly in hopes that her brain would be invigorated by the sharp, tugging pain and come up with a brilliant idea. The only thing it did was make her whimper as she blinked away sudden tears.
Then Karrigan thought of the motto inscribed over the television building's front doors in Latin: "Ut vos es defessus, taedium, ieiunium, tristis, vel gauisus... vigilo TV." ("When you're tired, bored, hungry, sad, happy, itchy, or uninspired... watch TV." Or something like that.) So she switched on the television screen that took up a majority of the back wall.
It was Stu Shepard. Gasp.
He was sitting at the end of a very long table that was otherwise filled with an array of women, all of whom were laughing and giggling together and completely ignoring Stu. He appeared to be in a stupor. (It was how he often looked these days. Being an unwilling television contestant will do that to a person.)
The narrator was a sarcastic guy with a slightly whiny voice. "...but he will only pick ONE of these women to be his wife in the end. Who will it be? Will it be Marsha?...Will it be Franca?...Will it be Wilma?...Will it be..."
Karrigan smashed the POWER button in disgust. What was this, "Who Wants to Marry a Sniper Target?" How lame was that? She grabbed her hair in preparation to start pulling it out again, but was stopped when her telephone rang.
Surprised, Karrigan stared at the phone until it had rung twice more, then picked it up.
"This is Karrigan Michaels," she said automatically.
"Hello Karrigan," said the sniper.
"Oh... my... GOD!" Karrigan yelped. "It's you! It's you, isn't it! Stu SAID you sounded like Kiefer Sutherland on TV that one time." She paused. "... You aren't Kiefer Sutherland, are you?" She sounded worried.
He laughed softly. "No," he said.
Karrigan breathed a sign of relief and continued screeching excitedly into the receiver. "Oh my god! Ohmigod ohmigod OH MY GOD! So where are you? You have to come down to the studio! No, wait, we'll come to you! Oh, I'm SO happy you called!"
He snorted. "It's what I do."
"Oh. Yes, of course. So where are you?"
Karrigan heard a knock on her office door. "Not NOW!" she yelled.
"Open the door, Karrigan."
"Oh..." She got up, still holding the phone to her ear as if afraid to break the connection, and opened the door slowly. And there...
Was Kiefer Sutherland. Holding a cell phone to his ear.
"Hey! You said you WEREN'T Kiefer Sutherland!"
"I'm not." Kiefer Sutherland hadn't said a word. But she heard his voice on the phone.
"Wait," she said, confused. She stared at Kiefer Sutherland, who stared back vacantly and shrugged. He dropped his cell phone on the floor and watched it intently.
The sniper laughed again. "That's not Kiefer Sutherland either. He's too busy doing that show '39' or whatever it is now. I had to use a look-alike."
"But... why?"
"There's a note for you. In his left pocket."
Karrigan reached out hesitantly, but Fake Kiefer did nothing but stare at his phone like he expected it to grow legs and walk away, so she slipped her hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper.
"A crane! How pretty!" Karrigan closed the door on Fake Kiefer and sat back down at her desk.
"I took an origami class," said the sniper proudly. "Unfold it."
Inside was an address. "Where's this?"
"It's where you're going to meet me. Tomorrow... at one o'clock sharp. Don't be late, I have to pick up my niece afterwards."
"I won't! I promise! I—" But the sniper had hung up.
Karrigan slumped in her chair, holding the crumpled paper to her heart. She was saved.