"We have to do WHAT?" The shocked males stared at Hermione in disgust.
"Well, it's the only way," she said, completely unfazed, "We have to give them what they want. I have found their stories," she motioned to a large pile on the floor, "So if we study those, we should know what kind of behavior is expected of us. And then, when they are satisfied, they will most likely leave us alone."
Dumbledore picked up one of the stories. "WHAT? I think of this jerk as my SON?" he pointed to Snape, who looked equally outraged.
"I have always hated the old coot, why would I consider him a father? He's just as bad as my own father was!" the snarky ex-professor yelled.
Hermione raised an eyebrow.
"Very well, if you two can't act your way out of this, I guess we'll just sit here in the common room together forever, with the occasional visit from those chanting FAIDS, which, I am sure, will be great on our nerves."
"How about I just kill you all and escape?" Snape suggested evilly, "that ought to convince them."
Hermione sighed. "Go ahead. Shoot a killing curse at me."
Snape was stunned.
Impatiently, Hermione got up, yanked his wand into the proper position and stood six feet away from him. "Come on, a quick Avada Kedavra, please."
"But…" Snape started, completely non plussed.
A blueish light surrounded Hermione suddenly.
"See? A shield. Worse, an IMAGINARY shield that WILL stop the killing curse. We can beat each other up, but we can't kill each other."
Harry, meanwhile, was digging through the story pile.
"Oh Merlin, Snape as my adoptive father?"
Ron snorted.
"Shut up, you, at least YOU get to snog Hermione," Harry said, irritated.
Dumbledore glared at the story in his hand, willing it to burst into flames.
Then he lowered himself on a couch. "I guess there really is no other way out," he said morosely.
Snape scowled. "I suppose not," he said.
"Oh Merlin," they groaned together.
Hermione looked at them with something akin to sympathy in her eyes.
"I know, it'll be hard, but you two are very good actors, you'll pull it off," she encouraged, "just read through those stories and…well…act them out."
Three days later found Hermione director of the weirdest acting class in the world.
"No, no, it's still not entirely believable," she said, shaking her head, looking at Dumbledore and Snape who were awkwardly putting their arms around each other. Three days had gone a long way to enable them to wipe the thoroughly disgusted look off their faces whenever they looked at each other, but the hugging stuff was causing huge trouble.
"Noooo Snape, you have to pretend to actually LIKE it. Wrap your arms around his waist and put your head on his shoulder. Headmaster, put one arm around his shoulders and one just below, on his back. AND STAND CLOSER while you do that," she yelled in exasperation when the men still tried to touch as little of each other as possible.
Ron and Harry collapsed in helpless laughter.
"Hermione's 7 steps for effective hugging," Harry snickered.
"Step one: make sure you are within reach," Ron supplied.
"Shut up you two," Hermione said, "you aren't helping. Now, professors. Each of you take one step forwards. Yes, like that."
"Ewch," Snape said, or rather grunted, "How long must we stay like this? His beard is tickling and quite honestly, necrophilia just isn't my thing."
That earned him a firm swat to the back of his head from an irate late headmaster who took offense at that remark.
"If it's not your thing, you shouldn't KILL PEOPLE!" the headmaster screeched.
Snape cringed. "Would you remember my ear is currently less then 7 inches from your mouth? No need to shout."
Hermione sighed. "Very well, you can let go now."
They took less then .0001 of a second to comply.
"Now. Snape. Harry." They looked at her in horror.
"You two need to act out a believable father/son relationship. Fortunately, not all FAIDS insist on hugging a lot, but pats on the back and arms around shoulders are a necessity. Snape, you cannot call Harry a spoiled brat, Gryffindors Golden Boy or any other name to insult him."
Harry smirked, until Hermione addressed him. "Harry, you cannot call Snape a greasy git, a no good death eater, or anything like that."
"Why can't I call him a spoiled brat?"
"Why can't I call him a greasy git?"
Duel protests caused Hermione to groan.
"Because Harry isn't a spoiled brat, because Snape is…well, it's not polite to comment on people's looks, and BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE UNLESS YOU COOPERATE!"
She didn't get any further because Ron chose that precise moment to snog her senseless.
"RON!" she gasped, after catching her breath.
"Well, you did say we have to cooperate to get out of here, and since those Fairies expect you and me to, you know, date…"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "But we don't need to practice, Ronald, because we ARE in fact, dating!"
Ron went red. "Oh yeah. Well, it was nice all the same…"
Hermione gave him a smile. "Yes it was…"
Dumbledore, Snape and Harry watched this little scene with equally raised eyebrows.
"Their timing is a bit off," Dumbledore commented mildly.
"And she complains about US wasting time," Snape sneered.
Harry kicked him in the butt. "Don't talk about my friends like that."
Snape lunged at him, but Dumbledore pushed him back. "Don't touch Harry."
"Ooooooh don't touch Harry, don't touch Harry," Snape sneered in a very childish tone, "I wouldn't touch your Golden Boy, Dumbledore, not until he has killed off the Dark Lord at any rate. That's all you care about anyway, isn't it, using people? At least The Dark Lord is up front about it."
Dumbledore was about to reply when Harry butted in. "Using me?"
Snape sneered. "Yes, Potter, using you. You are only a weapon to him. He left you alone whenever you needed him most. First year, second year, third year, certainly fourth and fifth year, and now he's leaving you alone to find all those heavily protected Horcruxes."
Harry looked thoughtful. "You know, you do have a point there," he said.
"Harry! No, don't listen to him!" Dumbledore pleaded, "I always had your best interest at heart, Harry."
"Like when you left me with the Dursleys?" Harry asked coldly, "when you abandoned me to ten years of abuse?"
"The bloodprotection…" Dumbledore began, but Harry grabbed the front of his robes and shook him.
"Bloodprotection my ass! If I didn't have blood left in my body there wouldn't be much to protect, now, would there?"
Snape watched the display with interest, until Harry turned on him.
"You didn't do much either, you bloody git! At least you had the excuse that you are a traitor though."
Snape fumed. "I resent that! I was never a traitor! I never abandoned the Dark Lord!"
Harry punched him in the nose while kicking Dumbledore in the shins at the same time.
He ducked when they both tried to retaliate, but only succeeded in hitting each other full in the face.
Soon all three were pulling out each others hair, kicking each others ribs and bruising each others face, while Hermione looked at them and repeatedly banged her head on a table.