Disclaimer: I own nothing from the Discworld. Not even one little thing.
Just a little something. I don't know where it's going but I'm tired and slightly drunk so anything is possible.
Oh and I just found out I'm the same height as a male orang-utan (5'0) and seeing as I haven't grown an inch since I was 13 I don't see any miracles happening now.
ONE LAST THING
GoingHome
There's always something. One last thing we all have to do before we can finally settle down to a life of... well, doing nothing really.
For Moist it was that he had to go back home and show everyone there that he'd made it. All those people who had ever laughed at him, joked about him or made him sit for hours in the boys' locker room shower with a wet towel covering his face. "One move Wigsy and you won't be Moist you'll be Minced."
You wouldn't have thought they'd let girls in the boys' locker room shower but it was a big school and security was lax.
He'd left Ankh in the Post Office's finest carriage with Jim Upwright suitably suited, shaved and scrubbed. Jim wasn't very happy, he'd had to be left in soak for four days and his skin had gone all pruney. Harry had said it made him look distinguished but the smirk had been obvious and no one coughs like that.
Dora hadn't wanted him to go. Who could blame her, there wasn't exactly loads to do in the Post Office. She was five months pregnant and Miss Maccalariat was acting midwife, forbidding her from doing anything, and had taken to directing all her commands at her stomach.
"Oh no Mrs Lipwig, no! Don't you dare attempt all those stairs on your own. You might fall and hurt yourself and we don't want that do we? No, we don't do we? We don't want Mummy falling and hurting herself do we? No no no! You tell Mummy! You tell her! No stairs for Mummy! I'll go and fetch Stanley to help you."
Miss Maccalariat had also insisted that it was "absolutely horrid" and "hideously inappropriate" for Moist to call his new wife Spike. Moist had thought of shortening Adora to Dora which was rather surprisingly accepted by Mrs Lipwig. She even gave him a little smile as he crouched behind his desk and suggested it. Of course "Dora" had given up smoking as soon as she found out she was pregnant, which was partly behind Moist going home to show them all how great he was. A man can only duck so much flying pottery before he starts getting nervous.
As the carriage passed the border into Lipwig Moist noticed that the signpost still had 'Heidi Leiker woz 'ere' carved into it.
"This it then Mr Lipwig?" asked Jim.
"Yup. Nice to see nothing's changed." replied Moist dryly.
Jim drove up to the town's coach house and managed to get stables for the horses and somewhere to keep the coach without hitting anyone. Moist arranged their accommodation as Jim was starting to strain and he didn't want any nasty scenes.
"Haven't you got any family we could stay with Mr Lipwig?" asked Jim twitchily.
"No Jim, sorry. This is the town's finest hotel, what's wrong?"
"Well, that blokes lookin' at me dodgy like, Mr Lipwig." Jim twitched a bit more.
"He's smiling at you Jim, and how many times do I have to tell you to call me Moist?"
"Well, I'd rather not Mr Lipwig, if you don't mind. Oi! That bloke's takin' our bags!"
Moist sighed. "He's a porter Jim, that's what he's supposed to do. Now, lets find our rooms."
"Hey watch where you're goin' matey. You're goin' the right way for a walloppin'!"
"That's a statue Jim." Moist told Jim gently. What he thought was "Gods I should've brought Dora!"
Meanwhile Dora was sitting on the floor in Moist's office picking chunks out of the wallpaper. "How dare he just take off and leave me here!" she was thinking, "Carrying his child and I just get left behind like some old baggage."
Just then Miss Maccalariat walked in. "Oh no! Mummy mustn't sit on the floor must she? She'll get a head cold!"
"Miss Maccalariat I'm not sitting on my head!" Dora exclaimed whilst looking for some piece of unbroken pottery. "I wonder if that desk is liftable...", she wondered to herself.
Miss Maccalariat tutted and reached behind herself, grabbing something long and soft. "I've brought Stanley to keep you company Mrs Lipwig. I don't know why you didn't ask Mr Lipwig to take you with him. Surely he won't be gone that long and anyway it might've been nice for Baby to be born in his home country."
"I did ask to go with him Miss Maccalariat. He looked like he was going to jump out of the window."
"Well he was probably trying to duck that vase you were holding dear. Now, Stanley's going to show you his stamps, aren't you Stanley? That'll be nice for you won't it?" On seeing Dora's stricken face she whispered "Oh please let him, he's been ever so good and Mr Groat says he hasn't had a Little Moment in ages. He likes to talk about his stamps and we're all busy."
"Well, can't you sit with him Miss Maccalariat? It is your day off but if you still want to be here then you obviously haven't got much else to do." Dora tried to sound encouraging.
"But I have got something to do dear. I've got to chaperone you two. I'll be in the corner if you need me."
And there you go. It might go somewhere, I hope it does. I was going to write more but it's really late now and I have a headache. Please review! Oh by the way, I can't remember for certain if Moist actually comes from a place called Lipwig but I think it says in the book that he does. If he doesn't, for the sake of this story he does now haha!