"Ok, let me go over this again," Dumbledore said, while Ron bandaged Hermione's head, "He is my son. He killed me on my own command because I would rather die then see him die from his Vow. He thinks of me as his father. Have I got it right so far?"
Hermione nodded weakly, wishing she had a headache potion. The Author apparently took pity on her, because a vial appeared next to her that moment. She gratefully drank it.
"Excellent," Dumbledore said, happily, "Then I suppose I should act like his father, right?"
Hermione nodded again.
"Good. You are grounded," Dumbledore spat at Snape, "for the rest of your life. That'll teach you to ally with evil dark lords."
Snape just sneered, not even dignifying this statement with a response.
Hermione sighed. "We're stuck here forever," she moaned. Harry and Ron began to look pretty worried now, too.
"She does have a point," Harry said reluctantly, "we should at least try, or we're never going to get out of here."
Snape sneered in a more thoughtful manner. Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, but that was just due to overdosing on those lemon drops. Merlin knows what they put in those things these days. Hermione made a mental note to do a research project sometime to determine the influence the prolonged exposure (a century or more) to artificial flavouring had on someone's brains and eyeballs.
She got up. "You're all idiots. I'm going to my dorm to lie down for a while. If you want to continue beating each other up, then please do so quietly."
Hermione was woken from her nap a few hours later by chanting. She groaned and hid her face in her pillow.
"Its…..true…..vile….Sevvy….nial…" she heard.
"Eh?" she thought.
"Not a very intelligent thought," she then analysed. The chanting became clearer.
"Its not true…Sevvy's not vile…we hold on tight to our denial…"
"Oh joy, the FAIDS have returned," she thought sarcastically, "let's go see how well those fools do at trying to hex them."
The chanting became clearer and clearer when she walked down the stairs to the common room.
"It's not true, Sevvy's not vile, we hold on tight to our denial!" the FAIDS shouted enthusiastically.
Hermione raised her eyebrows at what she saw.
Dumbledore was sitting on the couch, holding a…CRYING? Snape in his arms, humming soothingly to him.
Hermione's jaw dropped to about elbow-level.
The FAIDS were watching the scene with happy smiles on their faces.
"I'm so sorry Daddy, that amazing Dark Lord…sorry, evil git Voldemort, was going to kill my little boy Harry, I couldn't let him do that…" Snape wailed.
"Shhhhh, Sevvy, of course you couldn't," Dumbledore soothed, motioning Harry over, who sat next to them and kissed Snape's forehead.
Hermione's jaw descended a little more, reaching her knees.
The FAIDS, however, were utterly delighted.
"We knew it!" they crowed, "We knew Sevvy isn't evil!"
Dumbledore rocked the man in his arms, cooing "That's my boy, it's ok my dear son, Daddy's here, Harry's here, everything will be ok."
Hermione's jaws snapped shut in an attempt not to gag TOO much at this display.
Laume stepped forward.
"I'm so glad you finally decided not to put up your masks for us anymore. Really, there is no need, you're all among friends here! We only have your best interest at heart!"
Dumbledore groaned. "At least now I realise how annoying that sentence is when you haven't been given any choice whatsoever," he complained, "I'm sorry Harry, I promise I shall never say that to you again."
Harry nodded. "Thanks. But I don't suppose you would have said it to me anymore anyway, since you're, well, you know…dead."
The FAIDS' faces fell and they started to chant again.
"Harry!" Ron groaned, "Don't say that! You KNOW they don't react well to that."
Harry eyed the FAIDS apprehensively.
"Guess not. They outnumber us 4 to 1 at least so we wouldn't stand a chance…"
Snape snorted. "Tell me about it."
Dumbledore blushed deeply. "That wasn't my finest hour either, your schoolyears, I guess," he said.
Ron smiled. "I see FAIDS can teach a lot of lessons," he remarked thoughtfully and completely OOC, which sent the FAIDS into new highs of ecstasy.
Laume hugged herself with satisfaction.
"I'm so pleased you saw reason," she said happily, "Now, I'm sorry but I have to return you to JK Rowling. Which means Dumbledore will return to his adventuring with Nicholas, Snape will return to the Dark Lord or to being on the run, and you three will go…whatever. Horcrux hunting I guess. In exactly ten minutes the red balls will take you all back."
With that, she and the other FAIDS disappeared.
Hermione stormed down the stairs. "That was AWESOME," she said, "You pulled it off!"
Snape got up from Dumbledore's lap and smirked. Dumbledore straightened his robes.
"When you left, we called a short truce and decided you were right, it would be in our best interest to co operate so we could all get out of here. We did as you suggested, read through those stories, decided on a scenario, and acted it out when we heard the first sounds of chanting."
Harry nodded. "We were good, weren't we?"
Hermione nodded. "It was amazing. If we weren't fighting a war and all, you three could go straight to Broadway."
Unfortunately for her, only Harry understood her remark and was flattered, the other three just stared in confusion.
"Anyway, it's been good to see you again, Sir," Harry said to Dumbledore, "Glad to know you're happy in the afterlife, and I expect to see you there soon."
Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "I hope not, my boy, but in case I'm wrong, as we now all know I am on occasion, Nicholas and I will plan some great adventures that all of us can do together."
Snape banished the piles of paper on the floor. "For what it's worth, I'm not very happy anymore about killing you," he said gruffly.
Dumbledore smiled and offered him a lemon drop.
Harry hesitated. "Well, if you ever DO get tired of Voldemort, you could come to me," he suggested.
Snape nodded curtly as he saw the red ball approach to take him back to his dark evil day-to-day activities.
A second ball took Dumbledore, who waved merrily as he returned to adventuring and apple pie.
"Well, that was it," Harry said, as he dove into his red ball, back to Horcrux-hunting.
"Hermione…" Ron said, when they were the only two left.
"Yes, Ronald?"
"Did you notice that Dumbledore and Snape and Harry were all…civil?"
"Hmmmm yes, I did, why?"
"Well…do you think it's possible…that because we're in this fanfiction…that even outsmarting those FAIDS…wasn't our own choice?"
Hermione startled. "You mean…that entire piece of acting could have been written?"
"Well, didn't that FAID named Laume say that this was her story? I mean…if we're in a story…then how do we know when it ended? I didn't see a 'THE END' somewhere around."
"You'd think we were set up…? Could they have known what we were doing all along…?"
They looked at each other.
Naaaaaaaah," they said together, "No way. Let's get out of here."
Just when they dove into the red balls, they heard the distant evil laughter of a FAID…
THE END?
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