Disclaimer: I don't own it. No matter what it may be it ain't mine.

Thanks: OK I read in someone else's story that we weren't allowed to do thanks but I can't find it in the terms of service so I'm doing them. If it's just me being blind please let me know and I'll remove this.

LandUnderWave: Thanks for saying it's perfect I feel happy now! I know, I can't either really but I just thought it could be something only Moist can call her. I have a thing for pet names but not baby-talk ones. I'm not making sense now am I?

Blank Ned: Thanks, the chapter speed was pure fluke but I'm trying!

James Jago: I know, I seem to have a comma aversion in speaking too. I just go on endlessly then suddenly stop. It's very annoying. Thanks for complimenting my comment, I didn't know quite how to put it and it didn't seem to sound right to me! I've tried to put more commas in this one but I'm probably putting them in all the wrong places. I was never good with grammar and my grammar checker is worse than I am!

Many Conversations

"Mr Lipwig... er...", mumbled Jim.

"What's wrong Jim?"

"Are you going to eat all that chocolate?"

"No Jim, just the bag I bought for me. Why, do you want a bit? I thought you said you preferred Ankh chocolate." Moist could see the longing look on Jim's face and after what was said earlier he decided to get his own back.

"Well, yeah but there's none around here and I'm hungry."

"Oh well. The shop's only down the street. Go and fetch some if you like." Moist grinned and ate a Nutty Twizzler.

"You know, I was right earlier Mr Lipwig. You definitely look shakeable...", Jim trailed off as he was handed the Twizzlers.

Meanwhile just around the corner a couple of huge men were speaking in Lipwigzian.

"Are you sure Fred? He doesn't look very familiar to me."

"I'm sure. I'd never forget that smug face. He did me out of a lot of money."

"It was twenty Marcks Fred. Hardly a fortune."

"Yeah but with inflation and thirteen years of interest it'll be about...", Fred did some very rough calculations, "Five hundred Marcks."

The other man looked puzzled. "How do you get that Fred?"

"Simple maths my dim friend. Anyway, five hundred will be harder for him to get hold of hahaha!"

"Are you saying you're going to... cheat him out of it?"

"No Bilzer, I'm saying I'm going to beat it out of him!" Fred laughed for a long time. Well, he actually laughed for a short time, it just looked like a long time.

Bilzer grinned at Fred as he wobbled. "It's a good plan. But what about that other one? He's built like... something ...really... big."

"But he's not as big as me is he? I'm going to have so much fun! I bet von Lipwig won't be able to resist coming to tell us all how well he's done. Invented stamps, Mrs Twinkle's son said. Little bits of paper with pretty pictures on!", Fred laughed scornfully, "I'll show him a different kind of stamp!"

That evening Moist and Jim were in Moist's hotel room. Jim was getting restless.

"Jim, what in the name of the Gods are you doing to that lamp?"

"Fixin' it Mr Lipwig. No good havin' a broken lamp is it?" Jim spoke without looking up.

"But it isn't broken, it was fine earlier."

"Yeah it was 'til I started fixin' it. Now it needs fixin'." Jim grunted in concentration.

"If you're not careful Jim it'll turn out like a Bloody Stupid Johnson invention and we'll both end up looking like Mr Groat's famous Burnt Pigeon Spectacular." Moist turned green at the thought of Mr Groat's cooking. It wasn't as such cooking really, just Mr Groat waving his socks around until they hit something.

"Can't we go out Mr Lipwig?", Jim begged, "I'm bored!"

"No we can't! I told you what Mrs Twinkle told me! There's a bloody forty stone man after me!" Moist looked like he was going to jump onto the ceiling.

"Mr Lipwig no offence but I'm sure a forty stone man has better things to do than chase around after you. He's probably off somewhere doing something important, like lifting fallen trees off peoples' houses." Jim snorted to himself.

"Frederick Gothen will not be lifting trees off of houses Jim, he's more likely to be pushing said trees onto said houses." Moist was becoming irate.

"Well there you go then. Let's go out." Jim stood up and you didn't really argue with Jim when he was standing up. Moist picked up the lamp and put it back on his bedside table. It fell to bits.

"If they charge me for that Jim I'm not paying."

"Good for you Mr Lipwig. Maybe later we can throw the mini-bar out the window."

Back in the Post Office Gladys the Golem was polishing the mantelpiece in Moist's office when she/he/it heard a noise from the cupboard. On finding Mrs Lipwig curled up on an old coat the golem made a noise like a disapproving landslide.

"Mrs Lipvig You Should Not Be Sleeping In The Cupboard." stated Gladys.

"I was hiding from Mr... er... people, Gladys. I must've lost track of time."

"I Will Fetch Stanley To Keep You Company Mrs Lipvig." Gladys grated off in her gingham pinny.

"I wonder if golems are liftable...", wondered Dora.

Well... chapter three. I don't think it's funny but some bits had to be done.

One more thing...sorry if any details are wrong, like languages, places etc. I know how annoying some people find that when they've been fans of something for ages. The thing is I've only really got into Pratchett in the last six or seven months and although I buy his books whenever I can I also have a serious Bowie habit. What I'm trying to say is I don't know much so... I'm sorry if it's annoying. I'm going to bed now.