Chapter Five: Notes
Are you bored yet?
The phrase History of Magic bores me. But shouldn't you be writing notes?
What do you think I'm doing?
I mean about this lecture.
He's reading from the book, I own the book. I'll be fine.
Sure.
Shut up. I've got it covered.
I thought Hufflepuffs were supposed to be good.
I thought Slytherins were supposed to be bad.
Touché.
This class sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, big weenie!
Going to try and forget that image. I wasn't aware a class could suck a weenie. Let alone suck like Evens.
Severus – whatever – your – middle – name – is – Snape! Lilly Evens is not a slut. She's nice. And how would you know!
She hangs out with those guys all the time. And she's a mud – blood. What else could she be! Don't even suggest THAT.
I hang out with you. Does that mean that we're fucking? Besides if wizards only married witches we'd all have six fingers due to inbreeding. It's hard to find a pure blood in this day and age and it's even harder to tell if anyone's half blood.
She's still a bitch. And we're different. FYI my parents are both pure bloods.
Bully for you. So are mine. I think. Lilly isn't a bitch, you just don't give her a chance. I think you like her. I think that you think she's gorgeous. I think that you want to kiss her. You want to love her. You want to hug her. You want to smooch her. You want to bang her.
I should kill you for that. You are sooooooo full of bullshit. A Snape would never even think of dating someone with impure blood or low connections. We have our standards.
And ego, and chauvinistic views, and discriminatory tendencies and a history of being Slytherins. Have I left anything out?
That was unfounded. My family is just as progressive as the next family with morals. And there is nothing wrong with being a Slytherin. Hufflepuff. At least my house isn't known for being weak, walked on, stupid, and puff balls.
Did that feel weak and puffy? Asswhore.
Ow. That hurt. What was that for? I was joking.
So was I. Don't make me mad…
I wonder if we would get thrown out for streaking across campus.
I think that would be a yes.
Damn.
Where did that come from?
A thinly veiled attempt to see you naked.
You better the hell be joking Sev.
About you, Hell yes. I know however that you're just dieing to see me naked.
I've already seen your scrawny ass once, isn't that enough affliction for one life time?
I was in my boxers. Besides you didn't see the real deal.
Men with big noses?
You know what they say.
The thought. It BURNS! Ahhhhh! My mind! My retinas!
EVIL WOMAN! You know you want me. I am the Slytherin Sex God. Keel before me!
Oh dear Christ.
Seriously, you may now address me as He – who – must – get – laid.
You can't seriously mean that. You're only eleven, man.
I'm just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity.
Eleven year olds who haven't dropped yet don't have sex on their mind.
I do, and how do you know they haven't dropped yet?
Personal foul, TMI!
Do I get five in the 'box'?
You seriously need to cut that shit out. Even Freud speaks of a latency period, for God's sake.
Well I didn't have a latency period. I can't help it.
What'd ya say we get undress and jump in the lake? It's a dare.
Okay NOW who's the horny one?
How do you know I'm horny? I could be a closet nudist.
I didn't think that nudists had closets. And I did NOT need to know that.
What's the answer to number five?
We're taking a test!
So?
Major trouble.
It's Binns for heaven's sake, he wouldn't know, the day he actually looks at the back of the class hell with warm up.
Don't you mean freeze over?
No, I've been to hell; it's a damp cold with iced coffee and melt - y ice cream.
You've been to hell?
Yha. Potions is a required class. Kidding, kidding. Don't give me that look. Now what's the answer?
What look?
Argh. Just giving me the fucking answer before I'm forced to hurt you.
Fine. You win, this time. Its 1942. Happy now?
Delighted. Thank you.
I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive. I'm sorry.
I'm still not speaking to you.
Technically we're not speaking, we're writing. Secondly, what was that there? Hmmmmmmmmm…
You got me, damnit. I really hate you sometimes.
Is now one of them?
Yha, but I'm getting over it. Slowly. Groveling would aid in the process. Just a note.
GaH! No. You can't make me. I am a rock. I am an island.
This is getting re-god-damn-diculous. Fine! You win. If we weren't in the library I would bow down at your feet.
What do we have here? Severus and Evelyn quarrelling like an old married couple. Give in Severus and you're a pussy not fit to be a Hufflepuff.
I hate that man sometimes. I really do.
No offence to you Evelyn, you're a mismatch, you should be a Slytherin.
Sure, try to get on her good side Malfoy. Now if you excuse us, I have some ass – kissing to do.
And it's a lovely ass.
Not arguing.
Guys I'm right here! Me and MY ass. Do you want this to yourselves so you can talk asses with out me?
Nah, I'll get out of your way. I'm sure Severus is looking forward to a pen lashing.
Asshole.
I forgive you, just take it back.
The things I do for you. Fine, I take it back. Cary Grant isn't gay, just too attractive to be married. Happy now?
Orgasmic.
These five words in my head scream are we having fun yet.
Join the club.
I thought this shit was supposed to be interesting.
Binns is finding it quite amusing.
He's a ghost, he's old, he's dead. I'm a human, I'm young, but if something doesn't happen real fucking soon I will die too. Of boredom.
Always the dramatic one. You're talking to me what more could you want.
World peace, a million Gallons, a pony, do you want me to go on?
Har, har, very funny.
I know, I try. I'm just such a wit.
Twit, such a twit.
Hey!
Straw!
Ass.
It's a nice one.
GaH! There's just no talking to you is there?
Doesn't appear to be now does it.
You like her don't you.
Who?
Virginia. You know the girl you haven't taken your eyes off of since we got in here.
Virginia? Are you kidding me?
Does this face look to be kidding? 8P
I do not have a thing for Virginia Collins. Happy now?
No. Who do you like then, if not the girl you're staring at?
Is that really any of your business?
No, but I still want to know.
Well then…
Don't make me get drastic on you.
Quid pro quo or no.
You drive a hard deal.
Well?
Fine, the things I do.
It's your own nosey fault.
Argh, get on with it.
Fine. God, you're demanding. No it is not Virginia. It's Melinda Rookwood.
Melinda? Augustus Rookwood's little sister? That Melinda Rookwood?
Last I checked she was the only one.
For you.
You're insufferable sometimes. Anyway who's the apple of your pretty eye?
Crabbe.
Be serious. And I know you're not, so don't even try.
Rosier.
Who?
Rosier.
I still can't read it.
I hate you.
I don't care.
Fine! Evan Rosier! HAPPY NOW?
Immensely. Rosier. You're so fucked up. I can't believe it.
Hey! I said nothing about your choice of amour now did I? Do you really want to start this? Leave to my crush and I'll leave you to yours.
Fine. You're right.
So….
So what?
So… Rosier was talking to you.
Yes.
What'd he say?
Not a lot.
Are you that far gone that if he speaks with you, you smile like a lobotomized fool?
Fine. He asked me to go to dinner with him this weekend.
That's more like it. Really?
No I'm lying to amuse myself. Yes, he asked me out. Yes, I accepted. Do you want to know anything else?
No, that was sufficient thank you.
Why don't you grow some balls and ask Melinda. We could double date.
Harsh. As for the double date, I some how don't think Rosier would like that.
We're not going to do anything on a FIRST DATE. What kind of girl do you think I am?
A very cute, desirable, funny one. Rosier is who I'm worried about, among other things he may not want to share.
Funny this coming from his friend.
Who knows him better? I just want you to be in the know.
If he ever does anything funny you'll be the first to know. Do you feel better now?
Much.
What happened!
Nothing.
Bull – Fucking – Shit.
I don't want to talk about it.
Fine I'll write, you read.
I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS IT SEVERUS.
You have tears in you eyes, something I don't think I've ever seen before, not even where there was massive amounts of blood. You are no longer wearing Rosier's pin. You are systematically crossing out his name on everything you own. You even scribbled out that really cool rose drawing you did that was so beautiful. I think you broke up.
Aren't you just a physiatrist? Tell me mister know – everything – about – Evelyn's – life, why should I tell you anything!
Why are you turning on me, I just wanted to know. You hardly talked to me the whole time you were going out with him, and if you did converse with me it was about him! I saw nothing like what you use to be.
Talk! Don't get me started on talking! You knew! You fucking knew and didn't fucking tell me and NOW you want to fucking talk?
What are you talking about? What did I know?
Don't play coy with me you fuck – wit. You knew about Rosier and Jenna Lennox! Rosier said, "Don't act so surprised didn't your guy 'friend' tell you? Besides it's not like you weren't doing him on the side." So don't feed me that 'I didn't know' line. You knew and didn't find it important enough to tell me! I am so sick of Slytherins they're all scum and should be exterminated. Starting with the men!
I swear I didn't know. I walked in on him and a brunette; I didn't know it was you. I swear if I had known… Evie don't cry. I'd hug you but we're in class. I saw him and a brunette in a compromising position I didn't know how far you would go so I did say anything. I wish I had. I'm sorry. I truly am.
Great you assumed I was a whore! I can't believe you.
I didn't want to embarrass you! That's all. I have never thought of you as anything other that my friend. In no way was whore ever in the same thought with you.
You can take your goddamn snot rag and shove it! I don't need your sympathy, I don't need the rag, I don't need you, I don't need anything!
I'm gunna kill him.
Oh Severus.
Severus – whatever – your – middle – name – is – Snape!
Roberto
What?
My middle name is Roberto
I thought you'd never tell me.
I just got sick of you yelling Severus whatever your middle name is Snape at me all the time.
Okay. So it's Severus Roberto Snape. Any reason?
No, I don't know why I have this name… What's your full name again?
No laughing.
Would I do that?
Yes.
Fine, no laughing, but hey you can't laugh at me and my name.
Fine. Deal.
So, your full name is…
Evelyn Dove Ophelia Blair.
Nice.
Is that you not laughing? Because if it is you're doing a shitty job.
Whatever…Dove.
Asshole. Roberto!
Truce?
Truce.
So EDOB How'zit hangin'?
Peachy Roberto, just peachy.
I still can't get over your middle names, Dove Ophelia.
Here's a little poem for my response, Roberto:
A pretty girl can kiss a guy; a bird can kiss a butterfly. The rising sun can kiss the grass; but you my friend. You can kiss my ass!
Delighted to. Clever poem.
Thank you. Want another one?
Lay it on me.
You got your problems, I got my ass wipe, you got your big cheese, I got my hash pipe.
Roses are red, Violets are blue. I like spaghetti, lets fuck.
Never, I repeat Never use that on a girl. Ever. Unless you want to get slapped.
I woke early one morning, the earth lay cool and still when suddenly a tiny bird perched on my window sill. He sang a song so lovely, so carefree, and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter, and of fun it seemed his very trilling brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers, crept slowly out of bed, out of bed, then gently shut the window… and crushed his fucking head.
I like that one. Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll. Speed, Weed, and Birth Control. Screw the panties; buy a thong, party hard all night long. Drink tequila, take a shot. Bang the guy you think is hott. Dream of Boys, stay out late. Just don't forget to masturbate. First you're born and then you die, so fuck this shit and let's get high. If at first you try but don't succeed, try again with better weed.
You win. That rocks. I heard another one…Sex, drugs, rock & roll. Speed, weed, birth control. Life's a bitch and so am I. So fuck the world lets go get high. Sex is math, so add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply! East to the ocean, West to the land, and death to the bitch that fucks with my man!
Your man? Kidding, kidding! Yes that's a form. It's the rebel yell girlfriend version. Okay last one, feel free to use this one on a girl. You are the sun, I am the moon, you are the words, I am the tune, play me.
Okay. You are the sun, I am the moon, you are the words, I am the tune, play me.
Very funny.
Why don't you just ask her out?
What do you mean?
Melinda, idiot! Ask her out.
I did.
Really! Or are you just shitting me?
No, I am not shitting you. I did ask her out. And she said yes. You're on your own this weekend.
That's great! That's fabulous! I'm so proud.
Thanks mom. But it's not like I proposed.
Dating's the first step to marriage.
Shut up.
Ohmigod. Are you all right.
She dumped me.
Oh honey.
Don't call me that. She called me that, back when we were together…
Don't cry, it'll be okay.
Not with out her it won't.
Severus, read yourself.
I loved her, I still do. I. Love. Her.
Well she didn't love you. So it wasn't meant to be, now was it?
That's supportive. I was all there for you when you broke up with Rosier. Why are you a bitch now? Don't shit on my broken heart.
I was mad not sad, you're causing a scene.
We're getting out of here NOW. Come on. You need chocolate, alcohol, a good cry, and break up music. We're going to the kitchens then to my room. No objections now move!
What's the count down?
It's the end of the year as we know it and I feel fine! Five months, twenty seven hours, thirty six minutes, fifty one, no two, no three, no four, no five, Argh. Something seconds.
Detailed. Can't wait can you?
You want to blow this join as much as I do don't lie don't deny you want to be Free! Free as a bird. Free bird!
You worry me sometimes, you know that.
I know, I try. And I'm damn good at it too, now ain't I?
Yes, yes you're very good at being absurd. What's the answer to number one?
Aren't you the man who preached about test taking? Oh the hypocrisy and irony.
Shut up and tell me the answer.
No.
Don't make me get drastic.
Fine. B.
It's not a multiple choice question. Try again.
Argh. I hate you some times, you know. Fine. 1942, Thailand declares war on the United States and United Kingdom. Thus landing the muggle world into the lap of the wizarding world. Don't phrase it like that, I did. Happy now?
Ebullient.
Our last note before school's out for summer.
For us school will be out forever.
I'm getting all verclempt.
Why, well still see each other and talk. It isn't the final curtain yet.
I know that, but this is out last note as Hogwarts students, that should mean something. I mean it's a milestone.
Oh good God. You're a sentimental fool, you know that.
One of has to be. You're like a dog, seven years in one, always moving and changing.
Living in the past isn't healthy. Change is good. Accept it.
I accept change I just keep the past in mind.
Too much in mind.
Cynic.
I love it when we argue.
Why?
You're cute when you're vitriol, almost as cute as when you're confused.
You can't take anything seriously can you? Is nothing sacred?
Thanks to your bad influence. Beer and Pizza. I've always wondered where did you get all your mud blood stuff anyway.
I have an older sister who's a squib. She lives in Iowa, USA.
I didn't know that, I'm sorry.
I've mentioned her before. There's no reason to be sorry about her being a squib, she's still just as loveable, cute, annoying, and fun as if she would be magical.
I guess you're right.
You can bet your ass I am.
A/N: Evelyn. Severus. Lucius. Rosier is the name of a fallen angel (formerly holding the rank of Dominion in the angelic hierarchy). This demon may appear as either a man or a woman, and is a kind of patron devil of tainted love and seduction, especially noted for assuming a human form of great physical beauty, and tempts humans to fall in love, so that they will therefore sin or act foolish. Thanks Wikipedia for the scoop.