Of Wonder Hamster & Black Market Beagles
by Tracy (lunarknightz )

Rating: G
Spoilers: 'Tis set sometime between "Jaynestown" and the end of the Firefly Series. Fit it in as you will.

Summary: Jayne has a town named after him. Simon has a hamster.

Disclaimer: Not mine. No sue.

"Tsai boo shr." Wash muttered under his breath.

"This is what goin' gorram mad must feel like." Jayne growled, his jaw dropping open.

"Awww, I think it's cute!" Kaylee squealed.

"Mei-Mei." Mal shook his head. "You've got a bunch of jumbled up things in that pretty head of yours. Talk like that there is just scary."

"I'm glad that no one has used me for inspiration." Shepard Book chuckled into his napkin.

"Naming something after you is generally meant to be an honor." Inara said gently, trying to soften the blow from the action on the vid screen.

"It's an amazing likeness." River stated simply. "Looks just like him."

Simon had enough. "Stop. Please. I'm begging you."

"There ain't enough ale in the 'verse to wipe this image from my brain." Jayne sighed. "Not that I ain't gonna try. " He stood up and headed for the bar. "Gorram ruttin' hamster…"

The eyes of the crew turned to Simon. "Hey. What I did was noble. I attached a girl's entire leg. Her entire leg! She wouldn't be able to walk, or play hopscotch, or anything if I hadn't. That's noble! A lot more so than dropping a bunch of money on top of mudville! I didn't ask her to name the rodent after me- she just did!" He sighed when the amused expressions on the crew's faces did not change. "Well, at least there's not a song."

As if his words were a cue, the end theme song to the show began to pound through the speakers in the bar.

"SIMON! SIMON!
SIMON THE WONDER HAMSTER!
HE RUNS, HE SQUEALS!
HE'S GONNA SAVE THE WORLD TODAY!
SIMON! SIMON!
S-I-M-O-N!
SIMON!
HE'S A HAMSTER!"

Simon Tam let out a muffled cry of frustration and put his head down on the table. Kaylee patted his shoulder, trying to comfort him.

Serenity's last job had gone rather well. As a result, they all had a hefty amount of money to spend at the next stop- a space station. Taking a well deserved and much needed break, the crew had gone directly to the bar onboard the station. It just so happened that today the station was showing a special marathon of the newest sensation from the Core- a show featuring a plucky hamster named Simon.

The crew had arrived in time to see the first episode- in which Simon the Wonder Hamster's origin was re-told. The rodent had been named after the kindly doctor on Osiris who had saved his owner, Missy, by reattaching her leg.

A look at Simon Tam's blushing face assured the crew that their thoughts were correct. They'd been ragging him ever since. And Simon knew they'd never stop.

"How come nobody ever names anything after me?" Wash moaned to Zoe. "Jayne has a town. Simon has like, a super powered hamster. Don't I deserve something too?"

Zoe chuckled and kissed his cheek quickly. "Tell you what husband. The next load of black market contraband beagles we carry, I'll name one after you."

"Awww." He smiled. "It'll be the cutest and luckiest little puppy that ever lived."

Mal shook his head. "When in the hell did my ship become a gorram insane asylum?"

Inara shrugged. "Probably around the time you bought it."