A/N Last chapter was rather a challenge for me, because Spinner is the hardest character to write. I really worried that I might be making Spinner -- well, I don't know how else to say this nicely – too smart. It's difficult to get the right balance in Spinner's character, but I hope I did a decent job and didn't make him out of character. This chapter is also difficult for me to write, because I think that Jimmy is a pretty complex character. Thanks for the reviews. Until next chapter – idontknowanything
Chapter 5 Once a Jock, Now …?
Once upon a time, Jimmy Brooks was jock. He lived, breathed, ate, and slept sports. Sure, he had other interests, such as playing guitar in the band– but in the end, his life and his entire future, all his hopes and dreams, had been about sports. In his case, the sport he had always dreamed of being his future was basketball. He was good at it, too. He even had scouts checking him out when he was just in Grade 10. Once upon a time, he was a basketball star, but now… he really didn't know who he was now.
He had come back to school, and had managed to adjust to a life stuck sitting down. He pasted a smile on his face, and pretended he actually thought he had a future after he left here. Sure, he had money to attend college, and the grades, and the brains it would take, but what he lacked was a dream. He had no idea what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, because all he had ever dreamed had been taken away with a pull of a trigger.
But Jimmy Brooks was a survivor. He refused to wallow in self-pity for things he could not change. Self-pity would not help him walk again. Self-pity would not make his life the way it was before. The only thing he could do was move on, and try to forget. He would try to forget the incredible rush he got from executing the perfect jump shot. He would make himself forget the feeling of the wind on his face as he ran a mile on a sunny day. Most importantly, he would have to forget the simple joy of taking a few steps, on his own, without the help of the physical therapist and her assistant while holding on to bars on both sides.
He would get his rushes from taking one step by himself without the physical therapist holding him up. He would feel the wind on his face while going as fast as he could in his wheelchair on a downward sloping sidewalk. He would take his simple joys from little things like getting his books out of his locker by himself or making it to class without running over anybody's toes. He would find a new dream for his future – one that he could love just as much.
Right now, Jimmy was sitting in his first period class, waiting for the rest of the students to arrive. One of the perks of being on wheels was that he always got to leave his last class early so that he could avoid the crowded hallway between class changes. The other students were filing in, and he smiled as he saw Hazel had this class with him. She walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek before sitting down.
"Hi, honey." Hazel said, and smiled at him. "I missed you in homeroom. I can't believe we are in different homerooms this year. Who's in yours?" Hazel questioned as other students continued to file in. In the old days, Hazel would have been one of the last ones to walk in – spending time gossiping with Paige in the bathrooms or doing whatever it was girls did in there. Now, Hazel always came to class early, to keep him company as he sat waiting for the rest of the students to straggle in and for class to start.
"Craig, Alex, and Ellie." Jimmy answered her question.
"Paige and Marco are in mine." Hazel said.
It seemed kind of strange to not have Spinner on either of their lists. Last year at this time, Spinner's name would have been mentioned, in fact, last year at this time, Spinner would probably have been sitting beside him. This year, Spinner was dead to him – long gone from the school and his life. If sometimes Jimmy missed him, he wrote it off. After what Spinner had done, he never wanted to see or talk to him again.
Unfortunately, as fate would have it, that wasn't going to be the case, because into the room walked his former best friend. Craig had warned him that Spinner would be back, but Jimmy had never thought he would have to share a class with him or see him because Craig had said Spinner had lost a year, and would be in Grade 11 again. Jimmy really didn't know how Craig knew this, and he didn't ask.
"Are you ok, Jimmy?" whispered Hazel at his side as she placed her hand on top of his knee – a knee he couldn't feel.
"It's nothing, Hazel. He's nothing to me at all." Jimmy said.
The rest of the class started talking, most of the whispered comments being the basic question of "what's he doing here?"
Jimmy noticed Spinner sit down in one of the seats in the back of the room. He really didn't want to examine what he felt when he saw all the students who were sitting near that seat change spots to seats farther away. He didn't want to feel sorry for Spinner, he really didn't. He had to remember what Spinner had done to him. Spinner was dead to him, after all.
"Jimmy!" Craig said as he walked into class, talking to Marco. "Marco has lots of stories to tell us about his trip to Africa."
Both Craig and Marco walked past where Spinner was sitting, deliberately ignoring him as they did, and came and took the seats behind Hazel and Jimmy. Jimmy and Hazel turned around to talk to them.
"It must have been so cool to go to Africa, Marco." Hazel said.
Marco's reply was interrupted by Ms. Sauve entering the room.
"Jimmy Brooks, can I talk to you in the hallway for a moment?" she asked.
"Sure, Ms. Suave." Jimmy said. He started to get up from his seat – at least in his mind he did. That was one of the hardest things about being paralyzed --those ingrained instincts that his body used to know it could do still haven't figured out that his body couldn't do those things now. It wasn't conscious thought – it was those unconscious things that used to come as easily as breathing – things like getting up from a chair.
Jimmy wheeled himself out of the room behind Ms. Sauve, and she led him to a spot by the lockers outside the door. The bell rang as the last 2 students rushed past them into the classroom and the one boy closed the door.
"Jimmy, I wanted to talk to you." Ms. Suave said.
"Sure, Ms. Suave. What about?" Jimmy asked.
"I wanted to talk about a group of students I am putting together after school. This group is meant to be a way to help students deal and move past the shooting last year." Ms. Suave said.
"I'm past that, Ms. Suave. It's over, and there is nothing I can do about it." Jimmy said.
"But Jimmy, wouldn't you like to talk about it? Talk about how it felt to have a gun pointed at you? Talk about how your life changed?" Ms. Sauve said.
"I did talk about it. My dad had me going to a psychiatrist for a while to talk about it." Jimmy said.
"I know, Jimmy. I talked to your father, who also signed permission forms for me to discuss this with your psychiatrist. You stopped going to see him after about 3 weeks, I was told, against your doctor's judgement." Ms. Sauve said.
"Honestly, Ms. Suave?" Jimmy said. "I really didn't need to talk about it. It happened, its over, I have to move on."
"Wouldn't you like some help moving on?" Ms. Sauve inquired.
Jimmy thought about that for a moment. He hadn't been able to really talk to any of his friends about what had happened – about how it felt to have a gun pointed at him. That moment in time still haunted him, no matter how much he tried to forget it or to move past it. He also thought about all the guilt he felt about it. He had bullied Rick just as much as Jay and Spinner had until he had joined Rick on the trivia team and had started to think that maybe Rick really had changed after all.
"But what good is talking about it going to do, Ms. Suave?" Jimmy asked. "Talking isn't going to change anything."
"No Jimmy, talking won't change the things we can't change, but talking can help you FEEL differently about it." Ms. Sauve said.
Jimmy hesitated for a moment. He still really couldn't see how doing something like this would help.
"Jimmy, you weren't the only one affected by this, you know. You weren't the only one he tried to shoot." She said. "And the other students he tried to shoot – they really need to talk about what happened just as much as you do." She said.
"Ms. Sauve…" Jimmy started, but Ms. Suave interrupted him.
"Just give it a try, Jimmy. What have you got to lose by giving it a try?" Ms. Suave asked.
Jimmy thought to himself for a moment. It was obvious he would have nothing to lose by going one time – then he could say he went and get Ms. Sauve off his back about it. One time – he could handle that. It wasn't like he had a lot going on after school now anyway.
"Ok, Ms. Suave." Jimmy said. "I'll give it a try."
Ms. Sauve smiled. "Tomorrow, after school then."
"Tomorrow, after school." Jimmy repeated.