A/N: After a lot of struggling and research, here it is! See author's note at the end if you have any questions about "What's wrong with Emma?" Thanks for the feedback!

Chapter 7

The Emptiness of Me

Was she really being honest in what she had said? Was she here for her parents, because they were worried about her? Or was she here for herself? Honestly, Emma Nelson didn't know. She had no idea why she was here today, trying to avoid thinking about the one thing she was supposed to be here to think about.

"Alright, now that we have that out of the way, I want to ask each of you – how do you feel when you think about what happened last year?" Ms. Sauve asked.

That was a tough question. How did she feel when she thought about what had happened? She really didn't like to examine her feelings. Her feelings were just too confusing. In fact, about most things anymore, she just felt rather numb. She relived the memories in her nightmares, but it felt as if it had happened to someone else. She knew it had happened to her, but it didn't feel like it. Emma was interrupted from her thoughts by Ms. Sauve speaking.

"Spinner – why don't you go first?" Ms. Sauve asked.

Emma turned her head to look towards Spinner. He was the one person in the room whose every thought you could almost see on his face. She could plainly see he felt guilty about his involvement in all this and truly regretted what he had done.

"I feel guilty." Spinner said, and he looked at Jimmy, who avoided his eyes.

"Good, Spinner. That's a good start. It's normal to feel guilty after violence. Now can you tell us this? Why do you feel guilty?" Ms. Sauve questioned.

"Uhhh…" Spinner started to try to formulate what he was going to say, but Jimmy interrupted.

"Anyone of us here could tell you why he feels guilty. It was his stupid stunt that caused Rick to bring the gun, and then he and Jay told Rick I had done it, leading to my new set of wheels." Jimmy said, as he looked down at his wheelchair for emphasis, before he glared at Spinner.

Emma looked over at Spinner, who looked like he was going to cry, and felt bad for him. He was being blamed for everything, but Emma knew that it wasn't really his fault. She knew there was more to all of it than just a paint and feathers prank.

Jay spoke up next, surprising everyone in the room, including Emma.

"Spinner wasn't the one who brought the gun, now was he?" Jay said. "So what if we poured some paint and feathers on him – it was just a stupid prank." He said. "And besides…" Jay started, and flashed the room another one of his smirks, "didn't YOU bully Rick just as much as everyone else in this school?" He stated as he looked at Jimmy. "The only people in this room who didn't treat him like dirt were the geek and Greenpeace." He finished.

But Jay was wrong. Emma had treated Rick horribly. She had started by turning the whole school against him and she had tripped him in the Dot, and … she really didn't want to think about anymore more of that.

Ms. Sauve interrupted before Jimmy could reply. "Why don't we talk about that for a moment? Everything that happened before – the bullying." She said. "Toby, you were probably Rick's closest friend. Can you tell me why he was bullied?" she asked.

"He wasn't my friend." Toby said. But Emma knew that he was Toby's friend. She remembered the day their friendship had started, built on shared interests and a kissing bet centered around her. She had felt so good when she realized that Toby was following her example – but it was because of her that Toby was now here.

Jimmy answered Ms. Sauve's question for Toby. "He was bullied because of what he had done to Terri McGregor."

Ms. Sauve nodded. "What did he do to her?" she asked.

"He was her boyfriend, and he used to abuse her. It all ended when he put her in a coma." Jimmy said. "He didn't come back for a year, and when he did – everyone remembered."

"But he wasn't the same person when he came back. He had changed." Toby said, despite the fact that earlier he had denied that Rick was even his friend.

At Toby's defense of Rick, Jay spoke up again, again surprising Emma. "Yeah right." He mumbled.

Ms. Sauve looked over at Jay. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Nothing at all." Jay said, and rolled his eyes.

"You seemed to think he hadn't changed. Where did you get that idea?" Ms. Sauve pushed.

"Didn't mean anything at all by it." Jay said, and gave Ms. Sauve a look that seemed to be saying, "I'm not going to say another word."

Emma found herself wondering what Jay had meant – what he was thinking. But she didn't want to think about Jay – thinking about Jay was still just too confusing. She didn't want to examine what had happened just yet – in fact, she would be perfectly happy if she could forget about it completely, without dealing with the question of why it had happened. But it was rather hard to forget about it, with Jay sitting across from her at the table.

"You've been quiet Emma. Can you tell me if you thought Rick had changed?" Ms. Sauve asked, as she looked at Emma.

Emma was silent for a moment, as she thought of her answer. She really didn't know how to answer that question.

"I thought he had changed." Emma said. It was the truth. She thought he had changed until the moment he had grabbed her roughly in the hallway and forced a kiss on her. It was something she had never told anyone about – not even the police on that fateful day when they were asking her if she knew why he had wanted to shoot her. She vaguely remembered telling the person questioning her that he had a crush on her, which she had not returned. It was the truth, too – but it was a lie by omission. She didn't want to admit to the scene that had occurred between them after she had chased him down to give him the trophy and to try to make him feel better.

"You only thought he had changed?" Ms. Sauve asked, interrupting Emma's thoughts.

"I mean, he obviously hadn't, because if he really had changed, he wouldn't have done what he had." Emma clarified.

"What do you mean?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"She means that if he wasn't still psycho, he wouldn't have brought a gun to school." Jay stated before Emma could answer.

Emma almost gave him a grateful smile, before remembering that it was Jay who had just rescued her from questions she didn't want to answer. She wondered why he had done that – it wasn't as if she actually thought she had meant more to him than just another vulnerable girl he could manipulate for his own selfish pleasure.

"Thank you Jay, but I believe it was Emma's turn to answer." Ms. Sauve said. "So, Emma" she said, emphasizing Emma's name "what did you mean by that?" she asked.

"Just what Jay had said, only probably not in quite those words." Emma said.

"Alright. Let's go back to our original question, then." Ms. Sauve said, after she must have decided it was time to change the subject.

"What do you feel about when you think about the shooting? Spinner says he feels guilty. Be honest. Does anybody else here feel guilty?" Ms. Sauve asked, as she looked around with probing eyes at each of the students sitting around the table.

Emma felt like Ms. Sauve was looking right through her and seeing the true feelings lying beneath. She thought about the question Ms. Sauve had just asked. Did she feel guilty, like Spinner? So much of what had happened was her fault. She looked around at the boys sitting at the table with her – at Toby, Jimmy, Spinner, and Jay. Did they feel guilty, too?

Emma watched for a moment, as nobody spoke. Then she raised her hand. "I feel guilty." She said.

She looked around, as Jimmy and Toby also raised their hands. Spinner looked around at the raised hands – all indicating that they felt guilty also, and added his raised hand to the tally. Then Emma looked at Jay, and noticed he was looking at her with the same look of shock on his face he had last year, on the day when she admitted to him that she didn't have virtue – that she wasn't perfect. Then, their eyes met for a moment, and she again felt that tiny glimmer of understanding that had drawn her to him last year, before things had gotten so messed up and confusing. She quickly looked away, and found herself looking at Ms. Sauve, who was looking at the raised hands with a small smile on her face.

"What about you, Jay? Don't you feel guilty?" Ms. Sauve asked.

"The truth, Ms. Sauve?" Jay said. "I feel nothing."

Ms. Sauve shook her head. "Fine, Jay. Maybe you'll be more willing to take this seriously next week. I'll have Mr. Simpson discuss with you the importance of taking these sessions seriously." She stated.

Emma looked over at Jay briefly before she could stop herself. She was surprised to notice that Jay had a strange look on his face – if she didn't know better, she might have even thought it was a look of fear. She didn't have time to examine it more closely, as it was quickly replaced by Jay's trademarked "whatever" expression.

"Now, we all decided we feel guilty, which is a normal feeling for people who survived a traumatic event. We'll explore that another day. I wanted to find out some more shared feelings that you have about the shooting. Emma, can you tell me something else you feel when you think about the shooting?" she asked.

Emma didn't want to think about this. She didn't know how she felt about the shooting. She knew she was guilty, she knew she was afraid and scared and sad. But somehow, all of those feelings felt like they belonged to someone else. The truth was, Emma Nelson had felt numb – she had been fighting this feeling of emptiness since about a week after the shooting.

Emma sighed to herself, and wondered what Ms. Sauve would say if she gave the same answer as Jay. Because, in a way, it was the truth. She felt nothing – and she didn't know why.

A/N: Post Tramatic Stress Disorder (Following definition summarized from -- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a terrifying event. Often, people with PTSD have persistent frightening thoughts and memories of their ordeal and feel emotionally numb and detached.

The event that triggers PTSD may be something that threatened the person's life or the life of someone close to him or her. Or it could be something witnessed, such as massive death and destruction after a building is bombed or a plane crashes.

Whatever the source of the problem, some people with PTSD repeatedly relive the trauma in the form of nightmares and disturbing recollections during the day. They may also experience other sleep problems, feel detached or numb, or be easily startled. In general, the symptoms seem to be worse if the event that triggered them was deliberately initiated by a person - such as a rape or kidnapping.

See! I did research (google is a wonderful thing!). Anyway, this is just some information so you know where I'm coming from with the whole Emma thing. (Think about secret – detachment, emotional numbness, withdrawl from friends and family, sleep problems – sounds a lot like what we have here!) So that's the angle I'm coming from with my characterization of Emma, here. If you don't think I did PTSD justice her, please let me know. I struggled with this chapter, because of everything I needed to have go on and furthering the answering of the question "What's wrong with Emma?". Thanks!