A/N: Following my sequence of character points of views, this is an Emma chapter. Recapping last chapter, Emma ran out of the room, upset. Now we take up with the Emma's story upon leaving the room. Thank you so much for the feedback and constructive criticism. I greatly appreciate it. I am trying to get this chapter and 2 more done this week before school starts – but after I go back to school, my updates are going to be less often. Thank you so much!
Chapter 13: Strange Connections
Emma ran down the hallway, with tears streaming down her cheeks. She couldn't get away from that room fast enough. As they were talking, she just kept flashing back to everything that had happened on that horrible day. She kept remembering when Rick had grabbed her, and tried to kiss her, and the horrible words she had said to him. Spinner was blaming himself for everything, but Emma knew the truth. It wasn't really Spinner's fault. Rick was upset and angry after that stunt, but Emma knew that he brought the gun back to school because of her. It was all because of her. Spinner was taking the blame for everything, and she was too much of a coward to admit what she had done – that it was more her fault than anyone else's.
Emma wasn't paying attention to where she was going, until she stopped suddenly in the hallway. How had she ended up here, in this hallway? She had successfully avoided this stretch of hallway since last year. Why had she ended up there, now? She could still hear the sounds of the students racing down the hall. She could still see Rick and hear his heavy footsteps, as he walked down the hall – she could still hear his voice, as he saw her, standing in the hallway. She could still hear his words.
"Hi, Emma. Sorry I kissed you," he had said, as he looked at her, with that blank look in his eyes. He was still there, in front of her, watching her with accusing eyes – like a ghost haunting her that wouldn't go away, no matter what she tried. It was like a movie that kept replaying through her head that wouldn't stop. Only it was worse than a movie – because when you watch a movie, you only see it happening. But for Emma, the flashbacks included the sights, the smells, the sounds – everything.
She looked around the hallway she was standing in, and felt the terrifying fear that had froze her on that day – the same fear she had felt when she had looked over Sean's shoulder, and saw the gun pointing right at her. She sunk to the floor in front of the lockers, and buried her head in her knees, as she tried to force herself to forget the memories.
She heard footsteps coming down the hallway, and tried not to jump, as a part of her that was still stuck in the nightmare thought that it was Rick's footsteps again, coming down the hallway with a gun in his hand, determined to shoot her.
"Emma…" she heard a male voice say, and in her head, she finished the phrase with "I'm sorry I kissed you."
"Emma…" the voice said again, and she forced herself to remember that it wasn't that day anymore – that Rick was dead, Sean was gone, and she had moved past this, just like everyone else.
She brought her head up from where she had buried it between her knees, as she sat, huddled in front of the lockers, and looked up at who was standing over her.
"What do you want, Jay?" she said, as she wiped the remains of her tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Of all people to find her like this, Jay was the last person she wanted to see.
He sat down next to her in front of the lockers, and looked out at the row of lockers across from them, and didn't say anything.
"Shouldn't you be back in the whole group thing?" Emma inquired, tonelessly.
"Shouldn't you?" he asked, with a raised eyebrow, as he turned and looked at her.
"Probably…" was all Emma said, as she continued to sit there, on the floor, in front of the locker, in the very hallway where she had almost been shot – where she had watched someone die.
Emma and Jay sat there, silently, saying nothing for a few moments.
Finally, Jay broke the silence.
"Are you ok?" he asked, quietly.
Emma gave a little snort of laughter. "Probably not." She said, and continued to stare at the locker in front of her.
"Did you know this is the hallway where Rick died?" Emma asked, quietly.
"Yeah, I remember." Jay said quietly.
"Why did you come find me?" Emma asked, as she continued to stare out at the lockers in front of her, noticing the scratches on the red paint and the dent in the bottom of the locker where it looked like someone had kicked it.
"Had nothing better to do." Jay said.
Emma looked over at him, sitting next to her. She didn't quite know what to think about this. Was he here because he was looking for some way to further take advantage of her when she was vulnerable?
"Emma…" he started, then paused. "Let's get out of this hallway." He pushed himself off of the floor, stood up, and offered her his hand.
She stared at his hand for a moment, before taking it to help lift herself off the floor. She quickly let go of it the minute she was standing up.
She stood in the hallway, looking around, then turned and looked at Jay, and pointed to a spot on the floor.
"Right there – that's where they fell to the floor. That's where he remained, even when Sean got up. His eyes – he was watching me, accusing me, the whole time. I should have been nicer to him – I shouldn't have said what I did to him." Emma said, quietly, as she stood there, staring at the spot as if she could still see him, lying there.
"Emma…" Jay said, and hesitated, as if he didn't know what to say. "C'mon, let's just get out of here – go somewhere else?"
"Why? So I can go down on you again? Is that why you're here? It's not going to happen again Jay – so just leave me alone." Emma said, and glared at Jay.
"Are we back to that again? I seem to remember you showed up at the ravine and offered that second time." Jay said.
Emma looked at him for a moment.
"Do you even know what it's like to want to be someone – anyone else other than yourself for just a moment? At that point in time, I would have turned to anyone or anything that would help me forget who I was for a moment. But it's not going to happen again. I learned my lesson – you taught me that lesson." Emma said, with sad eyes, and turned away from Jay.
"C'mon, Emma." Jay said. "I didn't make you do anything you didn't want to do." He angrily replied at her turned back.
"Look, Jay, I know that. Just leave me alone, now." Emma said, as she started to walk away.
"Fine!" Jay said loudly at her retreating back.
As Emma walked away from Jay, she thought about what had happened. Why had she revealed so much to him – why had she even talked to him? It was the same thing as last year – that strange connection that had pulled her towards him – that feeling that maybe he just might be the one who would understand, just a little bit, what she was feeling. Her mom and dad didn't understand – they just wanted to know what was "wrong" with her, and when the "old" Emma would come back. Manny couldn't understand – she just brushed the whole shooting away and never thought about it, and she had walked away from Spinner when she found out his involvement – so would she really be able to understand Emma's guilt? Sean might have understood – but he wasn't here any longer – he had gone back to his parents.
Emma pushed thoughts of that strange connection she had felt with Jay away – after all, he had used her loneliness and emptiness to take advantage of her last year and in the end, just made her feel worse about herself than she already had -- and she wasn't going to let that happen again. But she couldn't blame it all on Jay – because in the end, he was right. She was the one who came back that second night and offered. In the end, it was her choice. She couldn't allow herself to feel that connection again – because she just couldn't trust him – or herself.
Unfortunately, part of her wanted to give Jay the benefit of the doubt – maybe he did feel badly about everything, and in his own strange way, was trying to make sure she was alright. But she couldn't listen to that part of herself anymore. It was that trusting part that always ended up getting her hurt. It had happened with Sean, and then with Rick. But that trusting part of her just couldn't let it go – because in the end, it had been proved right about Sean. Sean had redeemed himself in the end. And that part of her that was still "Cause Girl" held out the hope that everyone could change for the better. But she couldn't listen to herself anymore – because too many bad things happened when she was wrong.