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Touch – Chapter 2I awake with a start and find myself still sitting in the window. Against my will, my head turns toward the clock.
8:30 am.
Not that I really needed to look at the clock; the sun streaming into the window serves as proof enough of morning.
And his bed is still empty.
I knew this day would come, but I didn't think it would be this soon; maybe in another month or so. But it looks like he's made his choice.
Dragging myself from the window seat, I head into the shower. I'm letting the water wash away my tears when I 'feel' him enter the apartment. A few minutes later, his trademark guilt precedes him into the bathroom. Several tense moments pass and then I hear him taking off his clothes.
"'Soka…" he begins quietly, stepping into the stall with me.
"Don't," I snap, pulling away.
"Wait, 'Soka. Let me explain…."
I throw open the curtain and storm out, slamming open the bathroom door. What does he expect from me? Explain what? Why he was out with Hijiri all night? I KNOW why he was out all night! And he expects me to be OKAY with this! I whirl to face him angrily.
"You just couldn't wait to have Hijiri, could you," I scream at him as he steps out of the bathroom. "You asshole," I spit vehemently.
"'Soka, you don't understand," he ventures.
"What's to understand? You finally got to fuck someone! Are you happy now? Was it good!"
He flinches at my words, but I don't care. I'm so angry and hurt that I can't feel anything from him, my own emotions overpowering my empathy.
He sighs and turns away.
"Nothing like that happened, 'Soka," he whispers. "How could you think I'd do that to you?"
"You-you…" I'm shivering now, from more than just cold. "But you were gone all night. And you've been out with Hijiri almost every night for weeks. What else was I supposed to think?"
He's quiet for a while.
"I wanted to," he admits, "but I'd promised you I'd wait. Last night I almost….we….we kissed, but that all. One kiss. I left right after and wandered around thinking."
"A-about what," I inquire shakily, teeth chattering.
Startled, he turns back to me and notices my unclothed state and dripping wet hair. Moments later, he is lovingly drying me off, soothing me with words and kisses. Our eyes meet and a mutual decision is made to skip work for the day and try to re-connect. As I allow him to pull me down onto my bed and into more physical contact, I notice that he didn't answer my question.
I'll finally be able to share with him what I wanted to four weeks ago, but it may be a pyrrhic victory. I know he loves me, but he doesn't really 'want' me.
No, that isn't quite right.
I'd felt a vague change in Tsuzuki these past few weeks, but I just didn't realize what it was until now. He does want me, but his desire for me isn't as strong as it used to be. Once Tsuzuki touched Hijiri that night at the restaurant, his desire for me began to wane.
A familiar pleading from Tsuzuki interrupts my introspection.
"Please, 'Soka," he moans into my neck, "Please."
His fingers linger at my entrance. I know what he wants, but I-I can't. And because I can't, I know I'll lose him; sooner rather than later.
But at least I can keep him from relieving himself alone.
Boldly, I push him onto his back, straddling him. Confusion and curiosity flow from him as I lean in and kiss him lightly. Taking a breath, I slide down to face that which I'd feared for so long. Remembering what I'd read on that website about what men like to have done to them, I close my eyes and lap at him with my tongue. At my touch, Tsuzuki nearly flies off the bed. I want to laugh, but I'm not sure how it would affect him. Instead, I wrap one hand around him and continue what I was doing, eventually wrapping my lips around him and sucking gently. His hands slide into my hair and he moans with pleasure. Slowly, I begin sliding my mouth up and down his shaft and he gasps. By his emotions, I can tell when he's close, so I stop and pull away. He groans with disappointment until I slide slowly up to nuzzle into his neck, pressing my body against his. As I predicted when I planned doing this, he wraps his arms around my back and begins thrusting at me, rubbing our arousals together deliriously. It amazes me how much pleasure I get from it. I'd expected something, but not this. I find myself moaning against Tsuzuki's neck and seeking his lips for a lingering kiss. His arms tighten around me as his tongue dances with mine.
While I'd planned for this pleasurable experience, I didn't plan to find myself beneath Tsuzuki's powerful form with him sliding against my entrance.
"Please, 'Soka," he whispers passionately, "Please."
"No," I mumble, trying to twist myself away.
"'Soka," he moans, "Please."
"No," I say more forcefully, now trying to get away from him. His lust is overpowering. He's scaring me.
His hands quickly wrap about my wrists and my arms are pulled above my head.
"Please, 'Soka! Please. Please!" He growls, pressing his forehead into mine and holding my arms apart.
"No!" I scream, now terrified. What is he doing? Is he trying to force me?
Suddenly, he pulls away with a hasty, "S-Sorry, 'Soka. I'm sorry."
I lie there trembling as the feeling comes back into my wrists and he closes himself into the bathroom. I want to just sink into the mattress and ignore him, but I know that he's tearing himself up about this. After throwing on my robe, I tip carefully to the door.
"Tsu-Tsuzuki?"
I hear his labored breathing and I know what he's doing. Again. Shit. I didn't want this. I had it all planned out. We were going to share this. I wanted to satisfy him for once. Instead…
I can tell he's done by the familiar wave of relief. The crash of emotions behind it surprises me. Leaning my head against the door after finding it locked, I hear his sobs.
"Tsuzuki," I call knocking lightly, but he doesn't respond. A few minutes later I hear the shower running so I sit down on my bed to wait for him to come out. 10 minutes pass. 15 minutes pass. 20 minutes pass and I decide to go make us some tea as I'm sure we'll need to sit and talk. When I get back to the bathroom, I don't hear the shower anymore.
"Tsuzuki?"
No answer. I try the door and find it unlocked. When I step into the bathroom, I find it empty.
"Tsuzuki, you idiot," I sigh to myself. He's gotten much better at shielding himself from me, but I wish he wouldn't. I hope he's gone to work and isn't out wandering around somewhere.
I take a shower, dress and head to work.
As I approach the door to the department, I prepare myself for the emotional bombardment I'm sure to get from the staff, as well as the probable lecture from Tatsumi about 'showing up on time, not when we feel like it'. After all, it is nearly 11 am and we didn't even call.
Turning the door handle, I realize that I don't 'feel' Tsuzuki inside. Stepping into the bustle of the workroom, I note with disappointment that he's not at his desk. I'm further dismayed to find that he hasn't been here at all, judging by the scatter of things on his desk still in the same places he left them yesterday and the half cup of cold coffee.
Once everyone notices me, all chatter stops and questioning eyes follow me as I stumble into my chair. Glances continue being thrown my way as I try to concentrate on my work. Not that I can concentrate anyway since I don't know where Tsuzuki is. I really hoped that he'd be here. I wish I knew where he…then it hits me; I know where he's gone. Or where I suspect he's gone; Hijiri's.