A/N Wow! It's hard to believe that this is chapter 16 all ready! Thanks to everyone for feedback. I really appreciate it. Well, here it is, Spinner's chapter!
Chapter 16: Free Falling
"And some people were adding to the problem." Toby replied, and gave Jimmy a look. "Some people were throwing Rick into to dumpsters and threatening him in the hallways." Toby said.
Spinner felt Toby's words like they were rocks thrown at him – even though these stones hadn't been thrown at him, but at Jimmy. Jimmy, who was the person he had hurt the most with that stupid stunt. Jimmy, who would never walk again, because of him.
Jimmy – Spinner looked over at Jimmy, sitting there, and realized an inevitable truth. Jimmy wouldn't forgive him. Jimmy would never forgive him. How could Jimmy forgive him? He didn't deserve forgiveness. Spinner knew that what he had done was completely unforgivable.
"Toby…" Ms. Sauve said, as she gave him a sympathetic smile.
Spinner watched, as Toby just glared back at her. It was then that Spinner realized that Toby was just as much of a victim here as everyone else. Toby –nerdy, geeky Toby – had done nothing to deserve what had happened. Toby had never deserved any of the treatment that they had dished out at him – way back since the day he had come to Degrassi as a gawky seventh grader and Spinner had proceeded to put him in a locker. Spinner felt the weight of his guilt weighing him down – holding him prisoner as he struggled to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes. Toby was yet another life he had ruined – he might as well just add him to the list.
Spinner tried not to think, as he stared at the clock, willing time to go faster. Each minute that passed was one minute closer to leaving here – to find an escape from the pain. Spinner watched as the second hand ticked, as if in slow motion. The sound of the clock was the only sound that permeated the silence of the room. Fifteen more minutes until he could go and find his escape. Fourteen minutes and 59 seconds until he was free to go find something to soothe the ache he felt, deep inside. Fourteen minutes and 58 seconds until he could find his way to oblivion.
"You guys are quiet now." Ms. Sauve said. "Is there anything you would like to talk about?"
Spinner looked away from the clock, and looked at the two other boys left in the group. Toby was sitting, and staring into space, and Jimmy was looking at his desk, as if deep in thought. No one said a word, as Ms. Sauve looked around the group, like a disappointed puppy denied its favorite bone.
Spinner felt Ms. Sauve's disappointed gaze on him, as he avoided her eyes. He instead looked at the clock, hanging on the wall, and began to count down his minutes to freedom. He was counting down to those moments when he could down the bottle, and find a way to forget. Fourteen minutes and 1 second until he could be released from this joke. From this room where he was supposed to find a way to deal with his pain – where instead of that, he just found more pain. More pain, more regrets, and more things to add to his list of sins were all that he found here. Thirteen minutes and 54 seconds until he could go find his solution to his pain.
The room remained silent, as Ms. Sauve waited for someone to speak. She looked around at all of them, before she broke the silence.
"Jimmy, Spinner – don't you want to respond to Toby? Don't you want explain what happened between you and Rick?" Ms. Sauve inquired, as she looked at Jimmy, then at Spinner.
"I think I've kind of paid more than my price for anything I did to Rick, don't you think so, Toby?" Jimmy asked, with a pointed look at his chair.
Spinner said nothing, and just sat there. There was nothing more left for him to say, really. He knew that "I'm sorry" wasn't enough – he knew that all of his regret was not going to change a damn thing. All that mattered now were those 10 minutes and 23 seconds he had to wait to go find oblivion.
"Spinner?" Ms. Sauve asked. "Is there anything you want to say?"
Spinner turned his gaze from the clock to look at Ms. Sauve's expectant face. He shook his head, and turned back to the clock.
"What, Spinner? No more I'm sorry's? Good – cause I'm tired of hearing it." Jimmy said, with a glare.
Spinner tried to shut his words out, but he could still feel their sting, adding to his guilt – adding to his all-consuming desire for a drink.
He could almost taste it going down – he could imagine the numbness he would feel. All he needed was something to drink. Eight minutes and 13 seconds until he could go find a drink.
"Spinner?" Ms. Sauve inquired softly. "Do you have anything at all to say?"
Spinner looked back at Ms. Sauve again. "No, I don't." he said, and turned back to his minute count.
"C'mon Spinner – you have to do the whole "I'm so sorry because I put you in a wheelchair for the rest of your life" act again. You've only been going on and on about it like it would actually change something every time you talk to me." Jimmy said, sarcastically.
Spinner looked at Jimmy for a moment. "And it won't change a damn thing – will it? So why should I say it again?"
"Spinner…" Ms. Sauve started. "Just the act of asking for forgiveness is a very important part to healing."
"Well – I asked. End of story. Can we just shut up about this now?" Spinner asked anxiously.
"Spinner, you don't have to be here if you don't want to, you know." Ms. Sauve said.
"Yes, I do. It was a condition to me coming back. Weekly therapy with you." Spinner said.
"But it doesn't do any good if you don't want to be here." Ms. Sauve said.
"Then I can go?" Spinner questioned.
"Go – if that's what you really want." Ms. Sauve said, quietly.
Spinner thought for a spit second – did he really want to go? What were his choices? He could stay, and listen, and feel even worse, or he could go, and find a way to become numb.
"See you later, Ms. Suave." Spinner said, and he got up and walked out.
He walked through the hallways of the school, listening to his footsteps, as he walked through the empty halls. The halls – so empty. In his mind, he could feel himself walking through the hallways of the school on that long ago, never forgotten day. He could taste the fear – he could almost touch the regret. The hallway where Jimmy was shot – it was to his left. The hallway where Rick had died – it was back there. This was all because of him. This was all his fault.
He had to get out of here, and he needed to find Jay. He headed out of the school, and to his car. Jay would probably be waiting for him in front of the liquor store, which was their usual haunt. This old guy named Bernie lived in a box behind there, and was always game to go in and buy them whatever they wanted, for a little bit extra cash to buy a bottle for himself.
He pulled up in front of the store, and was surprised to find that Jay wasn't there – but Bernie was. He didn't question Jay's whereabouts – there were more important things at the moment. The most important thing in the world to him was in that store – and Bernie was going to get it for him.
Spinner got out of his car, and walked over to Bernie.
"Hey Bernie, dude – what's up?" he asked.
"Where's your friend?" Bernie asked, with his gravely voice.
"Somewhere. I've got money – can you get me a bottle of vodka?" Spinner asked, quietly.
"As long as I can get a bottle of rum for myself." Bernie said, with an odd little laugh.
"I think there is just enough for vodka for me, and rum for you." Spinner said, and handed Bernie a wad of money.
"Be right back." Bernie said, and walked into the store.
Spinner stood outside waiting, and imagined he was already drinking from that bottle, every time he thought of Jimmy, the shooting, any of the people he hurt – he imagined he was taking a drink. He imagined the numbness that it would make him feel.
"Here you go, buddy." Bernie said, as he startled Spinner out of his thoughts, to hand him a paper bag, with a bottle inside.
"Thanks, dude." Spinner said, and he held the bottle in his hands, and watched as Bernie walked away, cradling his own bottle in a brown paper bag like it was a baby. Spinner understood the feeling. This bottle in his hands was his answer to his pain – and he wasn't about to let anything happen to it. He needed the oblivion it offered. He needed that numbness it would make him feel. He needed it to not feel. He didn't want to feel his pain, regret, remorse – he didn't want to feel anything anymore.
He got into his car, and drove to the ravine, and headed toward his and Jay's picnic table. He was surprised to see some other guys there – and none of them were Jay. He briefly wondered where Jay was, and then decided he was probably hooking up with Emma again or something. Jay probably thought he was too stupid to figure out what was going on between him and Emma today, and what had gone on between him and Emma last year. Everyone thought Spinner was too stupid to figure anything out. But he was usually able to figure out the obvious – and there were certainly enough clues to make it obvious to Spinner.
One of the guys standing around, looked up from whatever he was holding in his hands, as he saw Spinner walking toward the table.
"What are you doing here?" he snapped, and put whatever was in his hands behind his back.
"Just looking for a place to drink this," Spinner said as he held up the bottle of vodka, "in peace, dude."
"Well, well…" the guy said, with a smile, "My name's Kyle. And I wouldn't mind sharing what's in that bottle."
"Sorry, dude – but I don't feel like sharing tonight." Spinner said, as he sat on top of the picnic table, and opened the bottle.
"I'll share mine, if you share yours." Kyle said, with a grin, as he held out whatever was behind his back.
Spinner looked, and was rather surprised to see that Kyle had a bunch of bottles of cough syrup in his hands.
"So… I'm supposed to trade my vodka for some cough syrup? Sorry, man, but I don't have a cold." Spinner said, and took a chug from his bottle.
Kyle laughed. "These are not just any bottles of cough syrup, dude."
"What, is it magical cough syrup, or something?" Spinner asked, before he proceeded to give off a loud burp.
Kyle laughed again. "Or something. Haven't you ever been dexing before?"
"Dexing?" Spinner asked, and looked at the bottles of cough syrup. They just looked like plain old cough syrup – the kind you can get in any store.
"You know – dexing, skittling, robotripping?" Kyle asked, and snickered at Spinner's clueless look.
"I guess you'll just have to take my word on it – huh? This is magic cough syrup. Just drink a whole bunch, and wham… works as well as anything I could get from my dealer." Kyle said.
"Are they illegal?" Spinner asked, before taking another gulp of the vodka.
"You can get them at any drug store, without a prescription." Kyle said. "Want to share?"
"What the hell." Spinner said. He was up to try anything at the moment. And it was just cold medicine, wasn't it?
"Well here you go." Kyle said, as he handed Spinner a bottle. "Chug this down."
Spinner handed Kyle the bottle of vodka, and watched as Kyle took a big chug. He looked at the bottle in his hand, and took off the lid. He looked at if for another moment, and then put it to his lips, and proceeded to drink the whole bottle of cough syrup dry.
"That's the spirit!" Kyle said, as he handed Spinner back the bottle of vodka.
They proceeded to pass back and forth their respective stashes, talking little, as they watched the other people milling around. Spinner was blinded by headlights as another car pulled in. For some reason, they looked a lot brighter tonight, and whatever kind of vehicle it was had 6 headlights. He heard the sound of a slamming car door, and the noise of footprints, shuffling over the pebbly ground, as if they were from miles away.
"Spinner, my man, you would not believe the night I've had." Jay said, as he walked over to Spinner. "Oh, hey Kyle – long time, no see, man."
"Hey, Jay! Haven't been around much lately – my parents had me drying out in a rehab in the middle of nowhere." Kyle slurred.
"Sounds like that really worked." Jay said with a smirk, and turned back to Spinner, who was sitting with his eyes half closed, looking into nothingness.
"Spinster. Hey, Spinster!" Jay said. Spinner heard Jay as if he was from far away.
"Hell, Spinner – What the fuck did you take?" Jay asked.
Spinner wanted to answer, he really did – but he couldn't. He felt something dragging him down further, and he couldn't move. He couldn't think. He couldn't do anything.
"Spinner!" he heard Jay yell, as if from miles away. "What the fuck did you give him, Kyle?"
"Relax, man. He's just dexing." Spinner heard Kyle say.
"Spinner!" he heard Jay call, from even farther away.
Spinner felt himself slipping away, and then, he felt… nothing.