IF I WERE A RICH MAN
(The curtain falls, and rises to reveal a new scene. Peter is sitting alone at his desk.)
Peter: (To the sky) Dear God, you made many, many poor people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so bad if we'd started this company and made a small fortune?
(Begins to sing)
If I were a rich man,
La la la la la la la la la la la
All day long I'd sprawl out like a bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
La la la la la la la la la la la
If I were a tiny bitty rich,
Idle, little idle, idle man
I'd build a big tall place with apartments in the dozens,
Right in the middle of the town.
A fine solid roof with real marble floors below.
There would be one big elevator just going up,
And one even grander coming down,
And one more going nowhere, just for show.
I'd fill my yard with chicks and hot tubs and friends
For the guys to see and hear.
Partying just as nosily as they can.
And each loud cheer and 'wow' and 'cool' and 'dude'
Would land like a trumpet on the ear,
As if to say "Here lives a wealthy man."
(He sighs)
If I were a rich man,
La la la la la la la la la la la
All day long I'd sprawl out like a bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
La la la la la la la la la la la
If I were a tiny bitty rich,
Idle, little idle, idle man
I see my friends, my buddies, looking like rich man's friends
With proper gear and rides.
Experimenting to their heart's delight.
I'd see them putting on new suits, and make new equipment.
Oh, what a happy mood they're in.
making the lab explode day and night!
The most beautiful girls in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to date them,
Like Hugh Hefner, I'd rate them.
"Oh please, Peter Venkman..."
"On your knees, Peter Venkman..."
Posing in ways that would cross poor Stantz's eyes!
(He sighs)
And it won't make one bit of difference if I know their names or not.
When you're rich, they think you're really great!
If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
To sit in on the couch and watch TV.
And maybe have a seat by the kitchen hall.
And I'd discuss out what's up in our lives with my friends, several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.
(He sighs, more heavily this time)
If I were a rich man,
La la la la la la la la la la la
All day long I'd sprawl out like a bum.
If I were a wealthy man.
I wouldn't have to work hard.
La la la la la la la la la la la
God who made the Slimer feel like a clam
You decreed I should be what I am.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
If I were a wealthy man?
(The curtain falls.)